Adding to the Brood

Updated on January 21, 2012
H.C. asks from Albany, NY
21 answers

Hi all - So, I'm having the baby itch. I have two daughters. One almost 6 and the other almost 2. Both the loves of my life. But, I really feel like I'm missing something and really feel strongly about adding to our family. My husband is DEAD against it. He works two jobs and is afraid of adding one more to our checkbook. We live in a small house and we would clearly need to do some rearranging. He's very much afraid of not being able to afford it and not being able to provide for them the way they deserve. But, doesn't it all just work out? Don't you just make it work? Am I crazy to think we could handle it? Yes it will be more chaotic, but we have two wonderful daughters now, we could do it. Clearly, they are doing GREAT and we are doing a GREAT job with them (so I've been told). I'm so frustrated. This isn't just a spur of the moment thing either. I've been bringing this up for quite a few months and still, he gets angry. I really think that once a new baby were to come, he would be overjoyed. Thoughts???

******ADDITION********** Lots of great comments and thank you. However, I forgot to mention that I too, have a great job and we are FAR, FAR, away from being on assistance. We could afford another baby. We are very frugal, but we both drive newer cars, our kids have all that they need and a lot of what they want. We have very little debt. His biggest concern is that he won't be able to give what each deserves if we add another - not necessarily financial the entire reason. Does that change things?

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answers from Des Moines on

Address his concerns-- not with words but with actions. Spend the next year or two living a frugal life. Start following the frugal mom blogs and seeing how they make it work and adapting it to work for you. When he's feeling less money stress and you're all more comfortable THEN discuss it again, assuming you still have the itch!

4 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

If he is not on board, I would not do it. You can think once a new baby came, he would be thrilled, but it does not always work out that way. A
baby deserves to be loved not resented because of the financial aspect.

1 mom found this helpful

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answers from Spokane on

He very well could be overjoyed at a new baby.....or he could resent you for pushing him into another child and distance himself from it.

Your first clue to back off is that he's getting angry about it. He has every right to be upset - he's out there working TWO jobs and stressing about money and you keep harping on him about another baby. Give the guy a break!

We have 3 daughters. Yes, adding our third filled a void we didn't even know was there....but BOTH my husband and I wanted a third. There was no bullying, no giving in....we agreed and were happy to make that decision.

I would give your husband some space. Stop bringing up another baby for a while. Save some money so that he's not so stressed and see how he feels about it in 6 months.

I want a 4th, but my husband is done. He got a vasectomy, so *we're* done. But I'd much rather miss out on a 4th child than have HIM resent me and the child by forcing or tricking him into having one he didn't really want.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Detroit on

It REALLY upsets me when people ask this question to always see TONS of responses saying to give up what you want and defer to your husband. Seriously?! Basically that kind of response assumes that what your husband wants totally outweighs what you want and that you are silly for even trying to change his mind. Babies are a BIG deal, and wanting one is not like wanting a sports car or jewelry or something extravagant. It is a little life and addition to your family -- the most meaningful thing you could ever want.

There is nothing wrong with your desire for another baby. You're not being foolish by wanting it. If you and your husband don't agree on it, there is some work to be done, but you should NOT just simply roll over and say, "OK honey, forget what I want. You're the boss." (Sorry -- seriously frustrated right now!!!)

Now, my husband and I were in the same situation a while back. We are currently trying for a baby, and he is fully on board. So it CAN work out. What I did was wait. We had a very frank, planned conversation in which I let him know how important it was to me to have another baby. I gave him some compelling reasons. Then I told him, "I just wanted you to know how strongly I feel about this. I am not going to bring it up because I know it stresses you out, but I want you to know it is always on my mind and I would like you to seriously consider it." We had that talk two or three times. Eventually he realized that our whole life revolves around him and that I've given up so much to support him and his "baggage." I never said these words to him; he came to this realization himself. He wanted me to be happy and when he really thought about it, he was excited for a baby.

I also started saving money in a separate account to prove to him that we could afford it without really affecting our lifestyle. He knew I was doing this, but I didn't tell him about every time I made a deposit. I never said, "There's another $25 for my baby fund" or anything like that. I started cutting coupons and planning shopping trips based on weekly sales, and then I'd put the amount I saved into the other account. I'd also do this if I declined lunch with a coworker (another $10!) or shopped for my son's clothes for the following year at the end of the season clearance sales. He basically forgot about it until I showed him a pretty remarkable bank statement.

Good luck! Please don't give up.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

Oh my god...if everything just "worked out" would ANYONE be on assistance, struggling every week, poor, not able to adequately support their family, etc? OF COURSE, it doesn't just "work out." I'm sorry if that seems harsh, I'm really not trying to be. You are coming from an emotional point, and he is coming from a logical one. It's a common occurrence in marriages with many things. Few things carry the weight of another child, though.

If both don't desire a child, you don't have a child. It's that simple, and that difficult of a pill to swallow. Who provides for the children? Who carries the stress of being the bread winner? Who is responsible for paying for food, clothing, transportation, activities, health care, college education, things for you, things for him? Who actually HAS to bring in the most money, to raise this family. Who is the most relied on? Since he has two jobs, I will assume it's him. (Correct me, if I'm wrong!) If he feels he can't provide, what is he supposed to do? Work three jobs? Quit and get a really good paying job, that could in on possibility never come? You are bringing it up, you are making him angry. Are you listening? Are you respecting how incredibly hard on him 3 children would be? Men are different. So much of their self worth and purpose is tied into how well they can provide. He doesn't think he can. Listen to him, and respect that. You can not and should not try to force a child on someone. Not only is it wrong, it breeds deep resentment. I have seen it end marriages, or simply result in terrible ones. Here are the facts. You do not HAVE to have another child to survive. He HAS to provide for your family, for it to survive. If he is dead set against it, it should not happen.

Do not continue to pressure him. He is angry, and he will continue to get angry. His requirement as your husband, is not to give you a child when you want it. It's to provide for your family in many different ways, including financially. If you don't mutually desire another child, it can't be forced.

Yes, things have work out for many since the beginning of time. It also hasn't worked for many. In our world, our economy, the financial's getting harder and harder for things to just work out. Sometimes, down right impossible. I don't think the fact that things just end up working out for some, should allow anyone to overlook, not plan, and not think about what would happen if it doesn't.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Minneapolis on

You know, you have to not bring it up. Your poor husband. I can't imagine the pressure of TWO jobs trying to support a wife and two kids...and here you are talking about adding to his already immense pressure and getting all emotional and being "frustrated" about it. He has a right to be angry. When you boil it down to a paragraph your "desire" sounds very selfish.

Let the issue die for a bit and start focusing on other things--a career, an at home job...or budgeting/couponing, increasing your savings, paying off debt, etc. etc. See what you can do to address his concerns before getting upset about him not addressing yours.

Update to address update: If that's the case, then you need to work towards being in a place where you can shrink your expenses as well. Whatever the case, working two jobs is stressful. Save for a family vacation, work towards one job for your husband and build the nest off debt... set up college accounts for the kids and focus on the family you have for now. Don't bring up the baby thing and try to address your husbands needs for now. Revisit the conversation in a little while.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Cincinnati on

Perhaps you could talk to him about a compromise. Tell him how much it means to you and that you understand his concerns about it. Maybe you could revisit it in one year and see where he's at then. You don't want to force him to do anything he's that uncomfortable with though and then hope it's all gonna work out. No tricking. ;)

I understand baby fever. I have one beautiful 4 year old and have been trying for 4 years to get pregnant again and haven't so far. So I understand wanting it so much you can taste it and it being just out of reach. However, what get's me through it is knowing everything happens for a reason. Always. And it will work out the way it's supposed to.

I wish you luck and hope you and your husband can find a compromise to make each of you happy. :) Lots of luck

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Milwaukee on

You BOTH should want another child. Maybe he would be happy if the new addition comes BUT he could also become more stressed and resent the new addition if not on board with having another.

His fears are very real, do not dismiss them. He is already working two jobs and worried about how to provide for everyone. Things some times just do not work out.

You are not crazy to think you can handle it, many have done so whom I am sure were/ are in a similar position as your family. The thing is it might drive him crazy, it is hard to say that is why you BOTH have to agree to try for another.

My husband and I made a deal that I not bring up having a baby till our anniversary. So it gave us SIX months to take a break from talking about, sure I thought about it almost every day BUT I did not way him down with my thoughts. In the end we have decided to not try for another at this time, we already have a 5 1/2 year old daughter who we love dearly. Sure we can cut back on some items, but the reality of the economy, house repairs, car repairs, unexpected hosptial stuff can happen (and are happening to us) so for now we are going to just be happy with the family size we have.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Albany on

No, it doesn't just "all work out." People do the best they can based on the cards that are dealt to them, but that doesn't mean that it will work out. Sometimes that means missing out on the "extras" like sports or vacations or being able to treat your daughters or yourself once in a while. Sometimes it's more dire, like having to go on welfare or foreclosing on your house because you just can't make ends meet. If your husband is already working two jobs, why add to that stress and make life harder on him? I'm sure he would like some quality time to spend with your children but his time is already limited with two jobs. Believe me, I understand wanting another baby and I always thought that finances shouldn't be a main factor when making a decision like this, but the reality of it all is that it's one of the most important factors that people should consider. Focus on what you have- two wonderful daughters! Enjoy the life you have built for your family. Wishing all the best for you and your family!

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on


I'm disappointed to see so many people telling you that it doesn't just all work out. I am here to tell you it does. After we had two kids, my husband was done. Like in, put a fork in him, DONE. This didn't jive with me because we had previously agreed to have 3-4 kids. When my second child was about 2 yrs old, I started talking to him about a third. He was dead set against it. He felt like we couldn't pay enough attention to the kids we already had, that it would be hard financially, that we live in a small house we'd have to do rearranging and so on...and so on.....and so on.... We had many conversations, I wrote him a long letter, I cried, and most of all, I prayed. I don't know if you're religious and if so what affiliation you are, but I prayed constantly and I prayed to Mary, because she's a mother. After about a year when I was starting to lose hope, my dream came true. We had our third child and he's now 2.5 years old and is a wonderful addition to our family. My husband tells me all the time that he can't imagine life without him. Are things chaotic at times? Yes. Do I feel pulled in all directions at times? Yes. Would I trade it? Not for a million dollars.
I made it work, and you can too. Kids can share rooms, kids can share clothes and toys, they don't need everything brand new, and they don't need everything handed to them including a college education. I have a good friend who is the oldest of 4 kids. Her parents told them that they would give each of them a set amount for college, and that they'd have to take care of the rest on their own. They all went to college, they all got degrees, and they are all successful adults. None of them are resentful that they didn't have everything handed to them on a silver platter.
Don't give up on what you want. I told my husband that I would regret not having a third for the rest of my life. I think that was what really resonated with him. He gets to fulfill his dream of having the career he always wanted, and my dream has always been to have a big family. As long as you can afford it and nobody is going to go hungry then your husband should give you what you want.

Best Wishes!

2 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

Realistically, most people manage to feed all the kids they have, although that may include GA. However, it doesn't just magically "all work out." You have x amount of money to support your family. Another child in this area probably costs upwards of $300,000 (I've done the calculators :) even before college. It sounds like you could definitely afford to feed, house and clothe another child, but all of that is money that would not be able to go to your other children. If your husband wants to make sure you can provide certain things for them -- not even just material things, but educational opportunities, travel experiences, etc. -- he may be right that having another child would interfere with that. Not that your kids would go hungry, but there will be less money to provide them with the things you presumably want to. That's fine if you both agree that you want a third child and you're okay with the lifestyle that results in. But it sounds like your husband isn't okay with that.

Or, maybe he just doesn't want any more. I have heard from men who are the primary provider that it is very stressful to add children to their families because of the added pressure on them to provide. Maybe he just likes your life the way it is.

I am of the mindset that you must only try to add to your family if you are both on board (it's not that you ought to defer to your husband -- your husband should defer to you if opinions were reversed). Guilting or pressuring him into fatherhood is not a situation for your family. It's too bad that you're not on the same page, and hopefully you will be soon (whichever of you changes your mind). However, you should never try to create a baby that isn't fully wanted by both parents.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Philadelphia on

If there is a will, God's will, then there is a way is what I have come to believe. It is important though, that you and your husband agree. Men worry so much about the logisitics and I like the advice from Sarah C for sure.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from New York on

It doesn't magically "just work out." Sure, you manage, but do you want your kids raised by someone who is "managing"? Money and time don't fall out of the sky. You have to figure out how it is that you want to raise your kids and how a third would change that. I would have loved a third kid! Now that mine are 12 and 16, I realize that all the kids would have suffered for a third. Will you have money for the things that you find important for all three - braces, college savings, sports/dance classes/ski gear, prep courses for the SAT or ACT, instrument rental or purchase for band/orchestra in middle and high school? With tiny kids, it may be hard to think ahead, but I am at that stage of parenting and can see the effect a third would have had. Sure, we'd have loved him/her, but we wouldn't have been providing all the kids with what we'd want them to have. I have so much going on with the 16 year old - college visits and teaching her to drive, that I often feel like I'm giving the 12 year old the short end of the stick, I couldn't imagine having a 7 or 8 year old too.
You say that you feel like you are missing something. What is it? Is it a boy? You know that a third child isn't guaranteed to be one. A sweet, cuddly baby is easy to imagine and want, but imagine having three school aged kids, and every day after work, it's something - pick one up at ski practice, take another to ACT prep, third one to the orthodontist, while in that same week, paying your $200 monthly payment for the braces, half of the $550 fee for the 8th grade Washington DC trip and two $91 payments for AP exams.
Good luck. It was hard to let the idea of a third go. For several years, I dreamed of babies, and it was hard to accept that the third would not happen for me, especially when many friends were having their thirds, but really, it was for the best and now I am glad that I have just my two.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Eugene on

If the baby were guaranteed to be a boy he would be dancing. But, it is an 87% chance that the third child will be a girl. Your youngest is two years old. Shelve the desire for a while. Your husband is working as hard as he can to bring in the money. Maybe you could find something to do to make some extra money like care for another person's child while they are at work.
If there is more money coming in it might change his mind.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Pittsburgh on

I think if a COUPLE wants another child, yes, you can make it work. But until you're on the same page....bad idea. Just my .02.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Oklahoma City on

I met a wonderful friend in 7th grade. My friend was one of 12 kids in the family. They lived in a 3 bedroom very very very small frame house. I bet it barely had over 1000 sq. feet. The kids had a girls bedroom, a boys bedroom, and mom and dad's bedroom where mom and dad plus all the toddlers slept. Also, only 1 bathroom, no shower, just a tub.

They were dirt poor, she was a SAHM and he was a house painter and alcoholic. The mom and kids went to church every service and there was more love in that home than anyone can imagine. They wore each others clothes, took care to show respect and love to each family member. They had plenty to eat and had plenty of love and heart for each member of the family.

Today they are all loving brothers and sisters who all married well and have given many grandchildren to their parents. They almost all went to college on academic scholarships and a couple did add some financial aid to that as well for higher degrees.

So, if a family wants to have lots and lots of children I know it can work, it has worked for generations.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from New York on

Yes, you are crazy. No, things don't "just work out". Your husband is working two jobs to make ends meet with your current expenses. Adding another child with all of the expenses associated will not bring him immense joy. It will likely bring immense stress to your household.

I'm sure this is not what you want to hear, but think about your husband and two healthy little girls right now. It sounds like your resources are stretched pretty thin already and pressuring him into another child just because you want one is quite selfish.

Let it go. The itch will go away. Find other ways to occupy your time and enjoy the children you have. Respect the fact that your husband is the one providing financially for your family and that he is NOT comfortable adding to the "expenditures" without adding to the "income", which means more time away from home and less time with "his brood".

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Utica on

If you say that its really not about the money then maybe he just doesnt want another. Think of it this way - maybe he is content with the fact that the baby stage is over now and you can start planning real outings and look towards no more diapers and not have to deal with middle of the night feedings and he is at a place where he can relax and truly enjoy the family that he has. I know I am the one between my husband and me that always worries about the finances when we are as you say very far from assistance and I know that I would be stressed to the max to add a third to our brood. We are expecting #2 in a few weeks and we both are very content that 2 is just enough to round out our brood. I hope all works out for you
Good Luck

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Amarillo on

You are living in a fantasy world. I am sorry to say, "it doesn't all just work out."

Take a good look at your financial situation. You say you both drive newer cars do they have notes for payment. Your kids have nave all they need and a lot of what they want.

Do you and hubby spend quality time together alone without the children? Do you have date nights? Do you really know who each other is?

Should you have a child now you may be raising this child all by yourself without any help from hubby. He could/may resent the child and never come to like or care for it. He could leave you to raise your two by yourself.

All the women who tell you to go for it are not in your marriage. Is your husband's job secure? Have you got a road map of where you want to be as a couple and a family in 5 or 10 years? Look at the long range because after the kids are gone it will be just the two of you.

The other S.


answers from Columbia on

If your husband is completely against it, then should not do it.

Get a puppy or kitten. When I got the baby itch here recently, that worked for me. :-)



answers from Reno on

It can work out!!!! For the first 5 years of my life Me, my 2 siblings and parents lived in a 900sf(yes 900sf with 5 people) house. We were so happy. I grew up most of my life with only one bathroom for 6 people. My parents were totally there for me and my siblings. Maybe your husband is just overwhelmed with work, wondering where he is going to get more time to spend with another baby. Can you guys pay off your cars or other debt-once we did that my husband went from not wanting any kids to wanting 2 more(for a total of 4). He may not be against it, just trying to figure out where he will get the time, energy and money.

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