Adapting to House Rules

I get that each house has a different set of rules, but are they so drastically different? Maybe you can get together and discuss the lessons behind the rules and then agree on some level of consistency. If it's important to you that he have 10-15 minutes of quiet time before bed, then explain to them how you think that benefits him, and maybe they'll implement that in their homes, as well. That's what rules are for, anyway, right? To teach discipline and consistency. How does he learn that if the rules are all over the place?

I don't understand why you would ask "what happened"? His world has been turned upside down. He is in pain and confusion. OF COURSE he is going to act out.

I disagree that "punishment" is the mindset you need to have. Discipline is what your mantra should be. Which means your job as mom is to HELP him figure this out.... not punish him when he can't. Discipline means that you set clear expectations of what you want from him. Simple. Clear. Consistent. Structured. And then you HELP him to meet those expectations and you HELP him course correct when he gets off track.

Think about your life in the past 4 months. How hard it's been. How out of control you have felt.
Now remember that YOU are an adult. with life experiences. with some degree of control. Certainly with more ability to cope and process.

He is 5. He is confused and sad. He didn't ask for this did he? But tantrums and acting out at 5 will be least of your worries if you don't approach him with understanding and HELP. If you come at him with punishments and lack of sympathy you are going to have major problems because he won't be able to navigate all this.

Yes, there should be different rules at different houses. But part of your job is to limit the amount of differences. So, as the mom said below - try to make some of the rules at your house the SAME rules as at Dad's and Grandma's.

You left because you didn't like how things were with his dad. Things will be better for you. So you understand why you did what you did.
From his perspective you ripped his family apart. You are the one that left and took him away, right? So, help him understand an minimize the damage by providing him EXTRA communication.

When my daughter would come back from her dad's we had dinner.... just the two of us. It was like a de-brief. So she could move between worlds. It was ALWAYS at the same restaurant. Consistent. Structured. We went straight from the airport to the restaurant. Always. Every time. So she could have the same routine to help her movement between worlds so she could transition from one life to the other.

I can tell you this..... My ex and I divorced when she was 4 1/2. It took her YEARS to really get the hang of going back and forth between worlds. Because she would just get adjusted and become a different person. Developmentally..... 5 is VERY different than 8. Then Puberty hits at 10. He is a different person and the worlds have to adjust slightly EACH TIME. For ALL of you. How you interact with him. What the rules are.
YOU only have to adjust ONCE for each state. HE will have to adjust MULTIPLE times.

I know you have a counselor... please talk with her at length about ways you can make this easier on your son. Making it easier on your son needs to be your NUMBER 1 priority.

I wish you and your son luck and peace.

OK - this didn't just happen in a week. It sounds like a lot of stuff has been happening in his life and in the last week it hit the fan for him emotionally.

3 sets of rules for an adult is enough to make your head spin. Look at it from his perspective. Heck, kids need to decompress going from home to school and he has THREE homes? Damn! Imagine the stress for him.

Get all the adults together, because you all need the same basic rules for each place (or as close as you can get it). COPARENTING is the word of the day. Get on the same page with each other. Once you all figure out what you need to do and how to do it, have a love fest with the little guy and help him understand better what's going on.

Pictures may speak louder than words - combine the 2 so he has a visual and word reminder of what's up.

Kids that age lie to protect themselves. This situation is overloading him and he'll need help to get past it. Don't know if family therapy or some sort of counseling to help with the blending is available - maybe even talk to his school counselor - but that might work.

Does there HAVE to be 3 separate places for him? Is that really the best solution - not the "easiest" for the adults, but the BEST for him? Maybe re-examine that. Good luck!

Kids can adjust to different rules. Different rules is not the issue, in my opinion.

If he lives in three different homes, that's a lot of chaos for a little boy. Maybe he shouldn't be moved around so much.

Kids say I hate you, sometimes, and it's nothing to take to heart. And don't worry, his whole personality has not permanently changed in one week.

He's still a little boy. Be consistent with your time outs, and focus on rewarding positive behavior (with love and attention) and ignoring negative behavior, as much as possible. Only give consequences when you absolutely have to.

This little boy has gone through a lot with his broken home, so love and attention will work better than punishment.

How could the rules be so different at different houses? Don't be disrespectful, pick up after yourself.. etc.
Find out, if you haven't already, what is so different and try to get everyone on the same page, within reason.

Life happened. TO him. None of it by his choosing. Can you imagine his confusion?
Nor sure what your visitation/custody schedule looks like, but it would probably be beneficial to your son if you & his dad can set and agree on some rules that apply at BOTH places.
It's a beautiful thing when exes can put aside their personal feelings and both put their child first. I'll bet it would work wonders!
Is your relationship with your ex amiable? That would also be best.
I think CoMoMom summed it up very well.
Good luck!

I think that you can write down the rules and just like he has rules to follow in school, you have rules for him at home. Your rules are your rules, and it doesn't matter if Daddy or Grandma have different ones. In your home, you do x. I also think that you may be seeing the phase that often happens with kids where they need time to be reminded of where they are and how to behave. Many was the time my sks would return from their mom's and need to shift gears and act differently than when they left. It was worse when they were younger. A problem I have with DD is not being entirely truthful and we have talked about the boy who cried wolf -- many cartoons have a version of this, Charlie and Lola did one recently -- and we discussed why Lola was not believed and what she should have done instead. Remind him what he should do and praise him when he does.

If you can get all three households on board with these rules:
1. Respect eachother!
2. Respect our home!
3. Clean up after yourself!

Each household can "interpret" and "apply" these differently. The idea here is to have the same overall expectations in each household so that he gets the very clear message that everyone wants him to be a respectful and responsible person.

I haven't been following your situation 100%, but your son has had a lot of changes in his life, right? This separate house for mom and dad is new?

In that case, that's what happened right there. It's a completely normal, predictable reaction to a major life change.

Writing down the rules sounds perfectly appropriate, but I also think you should recognize, adjusting to three different sets of rules, on the basis of a move that was not his idea -- that's hard for a kid. Of course he's going to act out. If you can make the rules more consistent, even if you have to adopt stricter rules at home, to match grandma's, then do so. For example, if grandma says "no eating anywhere but the table," then try to make that the rule everywhere he goes.

And be sure to empathize with him. Say things like, "I know, all this moving around is confusing. And sometimes, when everything feels all mixed up, you start to feel mad. But we'll get the routine figured out, you and me, because we're a great team." He needs to know you're on his side, even when he messes up.

Sounds like maybe the adults need to get on the same page with the rules. He didn't ask for different rules. For us it helped to speak with the other set of parents and try to keep the rules as similar as possible to make it easier for our child.

I would start by getting dad and grandma together and trying to come up with some consistent rules. Yes, different homes, different rules, but if he is spending a significant amount of time in these places I think it would be fair to try and tailor the rules a little to give him a chance at being successful. The adults in his life need to be working together. When the rules are different between the different home, evaluate why. Is he allowed to walk to the playground himself at one house, because it is a quiet neighbourhood with sidewalks, but not at the other house because there are no sidewalks and busy streets? If grandma doesn't allow food in the living room, why not make that a rule in all of the homes. Yes, do write down the rules for him, and remind him regularly. Also write down dads rules and grandmas rules. Explain why they may be different from one place to the next and he may be able to remember them better.

Just keep on enforcing the rules. The rules are ALWAYS different in different places. That's the way life is.

When he complains or says "Grandma lets me do this," or "Dad lets me do that at his house!" just be a broken record. "The rule at our house is ___________."

I suggest reading "Love and Logic." It will help to use some of the tools found there.

He is not too old to have the rules written out - he may be too young to read them!

I doubt that he's getting confused by different rules. Most kids have different rules in the various places they go - school, home, grandmas, daycare, etc. Your post doesn't seem to address which rules are confusing and him saying "I hate you mom" does not translate to difficulty keeping the rules straight, unless you think in one place he's allowed to say he hates you.

I think you've got a little boy who perhaps thinks your rules are too strict, but that's pretty typical as well - rules at home are tougher than the rules at grandmas.

I am guessing that you are separated and/or going through a divorce?

It is not easy for kids of any age to adapt to this type of life style. I think you should talk to your ex and son's grandma and try to have similar rules to help him with all of the transition.

Kids this young have trouble verbally telling you what they are feeling and will act out. He may also be testing to see how far or how much he can get away with at your home. You can make a list of your rules and put in on your fridge so it can remind him, but he is young and will test his boundaries.

No, he's not old enough to write them down and remember them. He's got 4-5 different sets of rules. He can't even read yet, or if he can not well enough to get by.

So, have 3 rules. That's all. Hard core rules that bring swift consequences if broken. Short, simple, easy to follow rules.

No swear words. If you don't know if it's a swear word ask mom or dad.

No hurting others. If you feel like hitting go hit your pillow.

No running around the house with food in your hands. Food stays in the dining room.

That's 3 easy to remember rules that are good general conduct rules. Find your 3.

It could go up to 4 but they have to be specific and short. To the point, not ambiguous like "don't say bad words"....then you have to list all the bad words so he'll know which ones are bad. If you are specific then it's easy for him to remember and easy for him to follow.

He's going to say he hates you each and every time he's angry or frustrated. He knows you're safe and you'll take it. He can take his frustrations out on you and you won't hurt him. You won't say it back, you'll still love him. He's feeling very very very frustrated and confused. Make it simple for him. Just remind him that you will always love him no matter what he says. Then when he's calmed down you can sit with him and talk about how it makes you feel when he says that.

He's simply taking out his anger and frustrations out on you. He has to get them out somehow. Find a better way if you can. My little grandson does this to me too. His language is a lot more naughty though. His older brothers come visit and they teach him really really bad words to yell at me. They don't get to come but once or twice per year.