That's one of the possible big problems of being married to a person with ADHD. Often they will be in denial about it. They don't understand their failings, so they blame others for them. To them, it's the only thing that makes sense.
If he is willing to accept that he has a problem, and agree to work on it, then you have a good chance of keeping your marriage together and eventually having a good one.
Two years ago, at the age of 54, I was diagnosed with severe ADHD. Up til that point, I had absolutely no clue. Neither did my husband. He admits now that he thought I just wasn't *trying* to remember to do things, and that I was being self indulgent when I would go and "hide" myself in a book or computer game.
Counseling, and the diagnosis, has caused great improvement in our marriage. When he calls me up to remind me of things that are important, I no longer get irritated and snap "I know! You don't have to keep telling me." I have learned to appreciate that I *need* those reminders. And when he insists that I start getting ready for things early, and tells me he is going to take control of a situation because if he doesn't, it won't get done, I firmly squelch any resentment because I realize that he is right and I meekly thank him for taking over. He deserves that. We both know that no matter how good my intentions are, something just gets short circuited.
If I was the sort of person to blame others for my own shortcomings, I could easily find ways to make these things his fault. It sounds as if that is what your husband is used to doing. Until he "grows up" and learns to take responsibility for his own issues, your marriage will never be what it should, or could, be. It may be that the threat of losing his marriage will cause him to be willing to do what he should. For your sake, and the sake of your children, I hope so. But if he refuses, he is saying that his own pride (and perhaps fear) are more important to him than his family. In that case, you may have no choice but to separate from him before your own exhaustion and anger robs you of the ability to be as good a mom as your kids deserve.
No doubt he threatens divorce because that is the only weapon he feels he has at hand. What he doesn't realize is that he's fighting the wrong enemy. ADHD is the enemy. It's this condition that makes him run and hide from things that he knows he *ought* to do. ADHD can be...overwhelming. Sometimes even the thought of doing something as simple as taking the garbage out or getting the mail can literally paralyze me. At times like that I have learned to tell my husband that I am feeling overwhelmed and I need some help. If I wasn't a self aware person, I'd get angry and feel sorry for myself and invent something else that I "needed" to do instead of the things that were causing me stress.
It's critical to understand the difference between things that you are responsible for, and things that he is responsible for. That's why therapy is so important. You should continue to go, even if he won't, if only because a therapist can help you not to blame yourself for things that aren't your fault. And to help you understand the things that are.
If you do decide to stay with him, it isn't going to be totally fair. My husband is a patient man, and a very considerate and loving one. I know I don't deserve him. He bears a pretty heavy burden of responsibility in our house, because I can't. Just to give you an idea of what I mean when I say I have severe ADHD...twice, in the past month I have driven to work, gone into my building, worked my eight hours, left the building only to find the car still running, with the key still in the ignition. The second time, there were two parking lot security guys standing there looking concerned and confused. When I explained to them that it was my ADHD, they nodded affably and told me to be sure to register my license plate (it's a new car and I had forgotten to register) with the security kiosk so the next time it happened they could call me right away. Problem solved. As much as it can be.
I could tell you a hundred stories about how many times I have forgotten things that normal people would *never* be so dumb as to forget. I hate that I forget things. I hate that I'm late to almost everything. I hate that my husband has to be responsible for most of the important stuff in our lives, but I Just. Can't. Remember. The funny thing is that I'm not dumb, per se. I have a 150 IQ. But I can't remember to turn off my lights. I can read a page of text and memorize it on the spot. But I can't remember my son's dental appointment. Go figure.
I've learned a hundred coping strategies. My keys are always attached to my belt loop. I wear a fanny pack because I know if I carry anything in my hands I will lose it. I never wear my wedding ring. I lost it twice in the first week I was married, and now it sits in my dresser drawer, safe and sound. When my daughter and I were out shopping the other day she had to remind me that I was going the wrong way. Three times. You can't imagine what a relief it is to be able to explain what is happening to me in a way that makes sense. My life never did before I got my diagnosis. Make sense, that is.
I don't know if this helps you at all, but I sincerely hope the train wreck can be averted. If not, I hope you and your (eventually to-be ex) husband will each be able to forgive yourselves and each other, and grow into better lives.
