Absent Husband.

Although this is difficult, realize that it is quite a change for him as well. Sometimes a little time will help with the new feeling of being a parent. Perhaps you unknowingly portray feelings of frustration and anger when he is home and he is picking up on those feelings. So perhaps as an idea, have a special night planned for the two of you after you put the baby down and just have a nice dinner or dessert. But be sure to schedule it so he doesn't feel like you are cornering him. Tell him at a time that is appropriate how you are feeling. Leave out the word "you" if at all possible. Make it seem like you need his help... he may need to feel needed... who knows!!!
Good luck and God bless...

That sounds like a very frustrating, stressful situation. I'm sorry that you are experiencing this. Is there any support for you right now? Co-workers, family, church friends, even family or friends that you can call or email for a supportive shoulder? Don't be afraid to just call your mom/best friend to vent about your day, or to hear them tell you a story about their day. I find that sometimes getting mentally away from my life helps me to return to it. If you work full time, I'm assuming your baby is used to taking a bottle - is there anyone you would trust to babysit, even for an hour, so you could get away to get a coffee or take a walk with hubby? Just for one-on-one time?

Also, is there something big eating at hubby? Is his new job, new city, new digs, new baby just too much stress for him? My hubby just started a new job in a new city, our house is for sale, we hope to move soon, and newborn is 2 months old. My hubby gets home from work after long, stressful days, and just wants to watch TV. Doesn't make me feel too happy to see him, as my days are 6am-10pm as it is... But I understand that TV is his release valve after a long day, and I prefer to just chill in the afternoons when my toddler naps (I'm a SAHM) so I can keep going in the evenings. Perhaps you could gently have a conversation with him in which you express your feelings, tell him exactly what you want to see differently in his behavior while also listening to him vent as well.

Again, if your hubby is like mine, my hubby didn't show very much interest until our babies were at least smiling (about 5 weeks plus) and more interactive. I do most of the diapering and 100% of the feeding, and probably 80% of the holding/playing. This certainly changed as my now almost 3-yr-old started to crawl, walk, talk, etc. So perhaps time will help as well?

Congrats on the new baby, and that she is a thriving preemie as well! Hope things get better for you. If nothing else, hope you can find some good supports for you.

I wish I could hug you! Our situations sound so similar. I moved here and feel very alone and then we had a baby. Which only compounded the feelings, becuase I would love to share this little life with some of my best friends. The only suggestion I may have is to do your best to include him in everything, the feedings (take turns getting up in the middle of the night), the diaper changings, the picking up after the baby. It's not right that you are doing so much, especially if you both work full-time (though staying at home isn't any easier). I am so glad I pushed my husband to do the tasks equally with me, it made him feel more "needed" and he bonded with her at an early age. I have found some comfort in going to a local church and joining a small group bible study. It takes awhile to get going again, it's been 2 1/2 years for me. i am homesick still, but things are starting to come together. I would ask a couple young moms at your work to go to lunch, having someone in your similar situation is so comforting - even if they don't have all the answers. The first few months, and even the first year can be really trying. I would tell your husband that you desire to stay friends with him and keep the relationship healthy, but that you resent all the time away he is spending. It needs to change once a baby is born. Be gentle and persistent, and don't back down on the really important things. Nurturing doens't come naturally to men - period. But it can be taught. When he says he doesn't know what to do with the baby, say "neither do I" I am learning by spending time with her!. Love and prayers to you sister, hang in there! And make a push to make new friends.

I remember when our babies were little I sort of went thru the same thing. My husband just could not take the stress of the crying and getting up at night. So until each baby was about 6 months old I felt all alone too. He always found time to play softball and bowl or whatever he wanted and there was never any time left for me to get out. With a preemie I would guess it's even more stressful so maybe things will improve? After the kids weren't so helpless he turned into a great dad!

I know this is an old post and hopefully for you and your family things have improved. Here is what I believe. Men do NOT understand touchy-feely stuff. They just don't. A friend of mine was going through this after their son's birth. One day she met him at the door, handed him their 3 month old baby, and told him it was his night with the kids. She went out for the night and did not answer any of his calls (but she checked her vm to make sure everything was ok). The next day he told he that he didn't know how she did it all (the kids, the cooking, the cleaning, etc...). Now has turned into a completely different man? No, but he is A LOT better. He helps with the dishes, he takes care of the kids more, etc... If that doesn't work, or you still can't get through to him then you need to pack his bags, put them outside, and tell him to go bunk at one of his new "buddies" house until he decides to be a better husband and father. I am not saying divorce him, but men are like dogs, they need their nose shoved in their sh## when they misbehave. Good luck.

Hi J.,

I'm not sure what to say about your husband, but I would suggest getting out and meeting other new moms. ECFE classes are a great place to meet other new parents (usually mostly moms) if you live in a place where they are offered.

Best of luck to you!

J.,
I'm so sorry. That sounds awful. He should understand how alone you feel. Being alone with your baby is great, but can also be very isolating. He is just thinking about himself, making new friends and all. What about you? When I was home on my maternity leave, I took a class through the hospital called "Mommy & Me" where a bunch of new moms got together, and brought our babies, and talked about being a new mom, sharing our problems and ideas, etc. It was great just to get out and to talk to other moms who are going thru the same things I was going thru. Plus it was a safe place to vent and to breastfeed, etc. If you have any other moms in your neighborhood, maybe you could go for walks with your baby and go talk to some of them, now that it's getting nicer outside and not too hot for baby. But you really need to make your husband understand your feelings. You have every right to want and need him to be with you and baby right now. And you need to get out too & make friends! There are Mom's Clubs in most cities too. You could check into that. Have you considered you may have a little post-partum depression or just post-partum blues? That happens too, and it nothing to be ashamed of. I remember feeling very blue when my first baby was just an infant. It's a HUGE change and you feel very alone, and like you've lost your independence.

Vent all you want. I would expect that you're exhausted (maybe not as much "fun" as you used to be in his eyes.) I think as long as you keep the communication open and do your best to look at what you can do rather than expecting him to fix it, you'll be in great shape. One bit of advice that I got early on is that with babies and marriage, things really go through stages and we should enjoy each stage for what it has to offer, because you can't get it back once it's gone. And I have seen real cycles and stages as my kids have grown.

It's hard to figure out how to split caring for a baby with two people. We found after a lot of trial and error that a tag team approach with the other completely hands' off worked for us. My husband and I are so different and we found different ways to balance our own interests with the kids. I am the food person and my husband is the play person. I felt very separated by the fact that I was never really the play person, but my young toddlers used to call us both mommydad.

Talk to your husband and reassure him that you do have support from people and don't depend on him for everything. Find out what his hopes and dreams are for spending time with the baby. I had that talk and my husband said (at the time) you take the lead the first 10 years and I'll watch them when you need me to and then I'll take over the second 10 years. It all seemed like a reasonable plan to him, especially since he couldn't relate at all to them as babies. Honest to goodness, I think he was really scared that he'd do something "wrong" but wouldn't admit that was his problem. He is happy when he's with people/children who talk and respond verbally about what is going on. It hasn't exactly worked out like that, but I think as the mom, you need to baby him a little bit too.

I hope I don't alarm you, but it isn't a good sign when guys start doing this type of avoidance behavior. It's one thing to veg in front of a t.v. every night or to drag his feet to get the diapers or help clean the house, it's another issue if he's spending long, late night hours on a regular basis with others who aren't family or someone he's obligated to spending late hours with, such as a work related client etc.

Granted, there are many guys who "get weird" when a new baby comes along and unfortunately don't help out much, or leave the daily baby duties to you, because they're freaking out or overwhelmed, but don't worry. Nature will intervene, and short of some serious psychological issue that needs to be professionally addressed, they can and most do come around. Just realize it may not be in a way we ladies like. Just chock it up to they're guys.. they're not built or wired with mothering instincts like us. But I make a big distinction when guys start acting as though they are still single and free to do as they please with their time. This has nothing to do with clumsiness in the nursery or nervous-dad syndrome. This is about shirking on crucial responsibilities as a husband and father. In short, I view behavior like you describe as a critical warning sign that he's probably doing something he shouldn't be, and probably hanging with "friends' that will lead him astray.

First of all, let me explain where I'm coming from. I'm not meaning to judge but rather point out an observation. IMO I've always thought it was a bad idea for married folks to get into this whole idea of "girls night out" or "guys night out" on a regular basis. I mean, what's the point of getting married if you're still going to hit the streets with your group of pals like your single? Only one thing can come out of this sort of free unconstructive activity...even if it innocently seems fun and like you're bonding with friends. You will eventually encounter temptations....and if you're like many of our friends, you might encounter regrets. By now, you've had time to have fun making friends and hanging with friends. Now more than ever, your focus as a couple should be on bonding as a new family.

Don't get me wrong, once in a very rare while, these get togethers are nice to reconnect with friends, but when it gets into a regular activity you're asking for trouble. And having outside hobbies and interests is healthy for both of you. But not when they start to interfere with your marriage and family life.

A sad example is the recent divorce in my own family. My brother in law's wife left him after a "girls weekend" and ended up marrying some guy she met at the resort's bar. I have two aquaintences in miserable marriages because one's husband is alcoholic, another friend's husband is cheating and hanging out at gentleman's clubs all night. One BF has had an affair with a married guy she met at a bar during happy hour. And yes, one of dh's buddies "hooks up" while he's traveling for work. He even "pre-arranges" it by calling his paramores to let them know he's coming into town.

My husband freaked when he found out and I'm happy to say, we both agreed that we won't and don't socialize with these folks anymore. Neither of us wants the bad influence. We try to hang with and cultivate friends who we feel have the same values as us and I think we're better off for it. IMO Couples who are social together as a couple, do much better than those who hang out as two singles who happen to be married. Or worse as one single who happens to be married. Those Vegas ads aren't popular in a vacume.

Much like parents of teenagers, in a situation like this, you need to be vigilent to protect the welfare of your family by getting more information on what's going on when he's away, and now. Im not saying to become paranoid, or controlling. But I feel it's perfectly within your rights as a wife and mother of his child to demand more from your husband. Without knowing his temperment or your history, how to approach it is up to you. If he's a particularly difficult person, perhaps seek the advice of a counselor or pastor.

I know you're new in town, and finding a babysitter right now may be a challenge, but you could suggest to your husband you'd love it if he invited you along sometimes. I strongly suggest you get more involved in your husband's activities and more informed about the people he's associated and the places they go. Getting to know these people will help on many levels. You will either make new friends and create a new community for yourselves, or you'll know whether an intervention is in order.

Find out for yourself what these new friends values are, and if they're really a bad influence on him. In a casual and non-threatening way, find out what he's doing when he's gone. See how he reacts to these questions: What are these friends are like? What are their interests? What do they consider a "good time"? Are they hanging out at a bar everynight or someone's house where their wife and kids are hanging too? What's the scoop with the place they're hanging out? Does it have a reputation? Are these friends single or married? (This is a really important question because he could be coming in contact with people who are into cheating, or someone he can cheat with). Perhaps asking him to invite these new friends over to your home for get-togethers sometimes. Ask if they have wives and children too. Find out where their families are hanging out, while they are out hanging with your husband. Ask if you can spend time with their wives, while he's with the guys?

Depending on the answers you get, you will hopefully get a better picture of the situation you're in. This should help you decide the next move. If from his answers he's not straightforward, isn't going to change, he won't bring these people around, you find out they're single or alcoholic (partiers), he's hanging at a bad place, etc. you should strongly consider getting family counseling.

It's unfortunate, when some husbands take their wive's openess to give them time with their friends for granted. Depending on the state of level of communication and openess with each other or the lack thereof, you run into the risk of your spouse becoming influenced by the behavior and value of those friends. The more he is away from you, the likliness of him turning his loyalties to those he spends his time with will increase. Couples need to be upfront and communicating with each other, and be careful not to invite others into your "sacred space" as a couple. Especially during times of stress and hardship. His not spending time with you, could turn into a situation where he's dishonest by omission. It seems you don't know anything about where he's at right now. That's scary and unfair to say the least, especially at such a vulnerable time in your life.

If it's getting to the point where he no longer checks with you to see if it's okay he's out late, he is more than likely now feeling less accountable to you. Somewhere you lost communication with each other, and it might be because you've allowed him too much freedom before the baby, and now that the baby's here, and there's the added stresses, he feels he has license or is entitled to "get away" rather than come to you to help him through his difficulties. Right now is a critical time, that is bigger than just the stresses of a new baby and the recent move to a new town. You need to find a way to communicate with your husband. You need to find a way as a couple to build a new community of friends and warm and inviting home. Your goal now should be to find things that will make home feel like a place he would rather be, and that you're the person he wants to confide in during times of stress. Once again, I suggest counseling. I also have some other suggestions:

In the interim, try to find ways to bring things home if you can't get a babysitter. Have a big BBQ at your house and invite everyone you can think of: Your pastor, people from church, neighbors, his "new friends". If family aren't too far away, even invite family to the new house, and tell them you're missing the comforts of home. Maybe they'll "warm" it for you, to help ease your transition. The important thing to consider here with this suggestion is if you can't get out to survey the land, bring the survey home and do some serious sizing up. You might even get some new friends yourself to help you with baby sitting. Also, find out if there's a mom's group or something like EFCE (early education programs for mom and baby) in your area.

Lastly, while he may blame the move, some sort of outside stress, or even the new baby, the bottom line is, something is wrong and the person he should be solving that problem with (you) is being left out of the loop. I can't stress enough as this issue being the most important more than the more big and obvious things like the baby and the move. Try to get him to open up, and perhaps you can work on it together. But more likely, it will be better if you both seek someone outside of the situation to help counsel you. This may be a tough situation, but do try to find a counselor or minister in town that can help you both. It is clear your husband is not dealing with something... and he's using his new friends to do that avoiding. Save him and save your family by intervening now.

Hi J., I know it doesn't help with Burke being out in the middle of nowhere, but if you can join groups, church classes, mothers groups anything that would get you around to make friends. I am from Wyoming and we know all about the small towns. Best way to make friends is get out and work on meeting them. Ask about others who have new babies so you could lean on each other.

As far as your husbands behavior, he is missing out and maybe some time he will realize that, hopefully not to late. She needs that bonding time with him now or she will not be as close to him when she is older. You don't mention your ages and if he is pretty young and his friends are all single it could be that he doesn't want let his friends know that he isn't "his own man" so to speak. They do grow out of this and sometimes we have to do a little threat. When my husband and I first got married his best friend always found things for him to do with him without me and my son. I finally told him that either he tells his friend to back off or I would. It isn't fun to be newly married and feel so alone.

Now may I suggest asking the doctor about the baby blues. A lot of women have them after the baby is born, your's is even more stressful with a move and a premie. If you are feeling depressed, crying a lot and even getting sad alot, please talk to the doctor. My daughter in law cried alot after the baby was born and when I heard about it I insisted she mention it to the doctor. She was put on something for a very short time, enough to get her passed that blue stage.

Hi, J.!
I'm not sure where to start exactly... Men have a very hard time with very new babies. Especially when they are premies. They are so tiny and men feel very helpless and inadequate when in comes to the baby. He may be struggleing with a lot of pent up feelings right now. I know with our first, my husband was afraid he was not holing him right, bathing him right, handed him over every time he cried... When our daughter came along 15 months later, he was like a total different man! He wanted to be the first to bathe her at the hospital, and he pretty much jumped up everytime there was a little noise out of her. There have also been plenty of times when I have not felt like my husband wanted to spend time with me. But it was ME feeling that way, not HIM! We are very emotional as women, and tend to over analize everything. Sometimes we need to take the initiative. Plan a date night yourself. Make his favorite dinner. Sit down and watch whatever he wants to watch with him. Find fun things to do when he is home. Play cards. Go for walks. But make sure it is something he enjoys too. I get out plenty by myself. I play volleyball and softball, I sell Mary Kay so I get girly time with that, and I plan girls nights out once in a while. So when it is Mike and I, I try to make it fun for him and enjoy whatever time I get with him. It is not always my dream date, but I am with the man I love and that is enough for me. Mother's Day was also my birthday, and my husband just got a new postion which has totally overloaded him lately. He did bring home flowers, but had no time to go out and do anything else for me or plan something for us to do together. I had the choice to feel sorry for myself or make an impromptu plan and have a great day. I said "Let's all go pick out plants for my garden together!" So the five of us went and each picked out a different plant, came home and we all got little shovels and planted our flowers. It was fun and cute to watch the kids get into it. Later on, my husband hugged me and told me he wished he had done more. But seriously my day was perfect and I told him so. Sometimes it is all in the way we look at things. I hope that you soon get out of the funk you are in and things start getting easier. Be careful to watch for signs of post pardum depression. If you are feeling this alone and sad all the time, please please please talk to someone about it. So many women go through this and it is not easy to get through on your own. You need help. Congratulations on your beautiful new baby. I hope things get better soon! God Bless!

Hi J.,

It sounds to me your husband is overwhelmed by everything right now and needs some time but keep trying to get him to open up a little bit on what he's feeling and make sure you tell him how you are feeling. Now is a special time for both of you and he might be scared on how to handle things and many men don't know what to do with a baby so small - they become distant until the baby is more responsive. I am not sure why but I went through it with my now 11 yr old - her Dad is not in the picture with me since she was 2 months old due to him needing some growing up to do but I am not sure why he's blowing up at you - that's not fair. Things do change when a baby is in the home and hopefully he will get over whatever it is he's going through and realize how lucky he is to have you and your baby. I also suggest you try to find a group to get involved with even if it's on the weekends only for infants the same as yours and be able to socialize. This will help as well. Good luck!

Looking from the outside in, it sounds like you need to find some friends and get out yourself independant from your hubby. My hubby and I have been together for 19 yrs(married 10), and during the time when we were dating, I overtime had alianated myself from all my friends depending on my boyfriend for all my friendship and love. We broke up for approx 6 months because of it and we both dated others, but remained friends. We (especially me) leared sooo much about the importance of frienships outside of our relationship. It is important to people individually and it defined me so much that when I had no friends, my boyfriend didn't see me the same way as he did when we first dated because I had changed. I wasn't as independant, strong willed or confident...which were some of the things about me that attracted him to me in the first place. I would NEVER take back that learning experience, even though it sucked...but it was one of the most enlightening things I've learned in my life. We got back together and I've always maintained my friends and would NEVER let them go again. Not that you let them go, but it sounds like you really need some now. Get out and make some...and get your independance back. That's probably what he loved about you before and probably blows up knowing that you are loosing yourself...so DON'T let it happen. Get out, make and keep time for yourself. Protect that time...it's more important that you probably realise.

Hi J.,

I highly recommend you read the book "Babyproofing Your Marriage." (see link)

http://www.babyproofingyourmarriage.com/

I checked it out from the library myself b/c we don't have a lot of money. But you will find that this book covers everything that you just talked about. The ladies have done a great job of uncovering the reality that ALL of us face when becoming parents - and it's done with humor to keep you from crying! (ha-ha) I think it will help you immensely and your husband too.

Hang in there - it WILL get better.
Grace and peace be with you.
A.

Maybe you should quit your job.

J.,

Rachels post hit home with me. My husband also felt the need to hang around with his friends due to all of the new stresses of having a child and family to provide for. With our first, he equated it to "an end to an era." As if he would never be able to do these things again, so he wanted to make a real push to get everything "out of his system." If your husband is like mine, he will come around. They get better with age ;0)

C.

HI J.
My DH and I went through pretty much the exact same thing. It took a lot of patience and a lot of prayer. I found other moms through a MOPS group (Mothers of Pre-schoolers) and have since made some great friends. I'd suggest calling around to some area churches to ask where you might find a group! Also lots of church groups offer play-groups both w/ and w/out dads. For my hubby, he was simply feeling the stress of an added person to provide for, and men really need time out with "the guys", but somehow struggle with balance! It helped us to agree on one night a week for me that I could leave to shop, work out, get coffee, whatever, and then another set night of the week for us to be together, no matter what. You'll get through it, don't give up! Sometimes even dads get some post-partum depression!

This is your first child, so he may be doing what a lot of first fathers do; he might be running away. The father of my first born still isn't willing to grow up. Not all dads are like this, of course, but I've still seen many of them go through a "second adolescence" after having a child because they are having problems adjusting to being a dad and they feel they can rely on the mom to do what they won't. They usually pick up again after baby is potty trained, but still! The first few years are critical for bonding. Your life is hard enough knowing you have a preemie, so it's even more important for him to be there. I would suggest making him trade places with you for a day or two so he could understand how you were feeling, but this can be hard if he's the only one working and/or you are nursing baby.

Honestly, all I can say is I hope things work out with you. If he's blowing up at you he's got no right to and, remember, abusive behavior of any kind is not acceptable. Check out the Power and Control wheel and see if his behavior has a trend: http://www.turningpointservices.org/Domestic%20Violence%2...

Wow...I can really relate to a lot of what you're going through!!!
My husband and I moved up here from San Antonio, TX, we had ID theft two days after I found out I was pregnant, so we needed to move to a less expensive area...that and the crime rate had gone up considerably...anyhow, sorry...
I was on bed rest for 4 months right after we moved and so I never got out to meet anyone either...my son was born 10 days early, not a preemie, but wound up not breathing four days later and turning blue, we had to go up to Sioux Falls, SD for the NICU where he was later diagnosed with Bacterial Meningitis...
My husband and I are each other's best friends and we hit every stressor I think possible...it did make him a lot more edgy at times and he blew up a few times while I was pregnant...I found that the best way for us to communicate during times I was sure he'd just get mad and not be able to listen was to write to him...I was also careful with my words and this way he was able to read it uninterrupted by me and really get the entirety of what I was communicating about...
In doing this I learned that he was afraid he was going to fail me and Evan, our son, by not making enough money and he also had a hard time trying to figure out what to do with a baby so young...I've heard from a lot of women that men usually are a bit nervous and unsure with young babies but as they sleep less and play more they get a lot more involved...
My husband works 76 hours a week and we have had to adjust a lot due to my health and our son's health...
Did your baby stay in the NICU? There is almost like a PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, its not that exactly, I can't remember what its called...sorry, that can happen to parents of babies that stay in the NICU...where they are either detached or over protective after...I had a problem with things for a while after and it took me a while to realize it since we almost lost our baby...I was over protective and fearful of losing him...
As for friends I still am having some problems meeting people at times but I found that some of the everyday people you run into, at the store, bank...may have things in common with you and also churches usually have some sort of program...The friend I made works at our bank and she's great...went in there enough times and we talked...went to lunch...
Things will work out...its hard when you have a new baby especially if they have extra needs...try writing to your husband and see how that works...It really helped my husband and I and now we are able to TALK about things again calmly and we enjoy each other....let time also tell as you guys get into a routine with your baby and start getting more sleep the edginess seems to fade...
I hope that I helped you out a little...I'm new to the mamasource thing so send me a message if you'd like to talk sometime, anytime...I understand what it feels like to be alone during a lot of change...I send you a hug...
Take Care
J.

I am sorry to hear about your situation. I don't know what to tell you about your husband, but one things I would suggest is for you to create a circle for yourself. It sounds so hard and we lived in a neighborhood where I felt isolated too, but when we moved into our new house, I made a point to make it different. The first thing I did was put flyers in other families mailboxes asking if anyone wanted to start a play group/mom's group. Even with a little baby, you have a great excuse to socialize and learn more other moms while making new friends. From the play group, now we have just a mom's night here and there and I really feel like I have people I can count on. It sometimes feels like it is hard to make new friends in adulthood, but taking a bit of initiative, you may really find that you aren't alone and there are lots of people who can fulfill different needs of yours. Good luck!

sounds abusive, are you exagerating? Maybe you need an escape plan.

Hi,
I Totally can relate to you in many ways. For one, when my first baby was born my husband was so distant also. We moved right before the baby was born(now 7) and I felt completely isolated. In retrospect there are many things I could have done differently. First, and foremost I wish I would have let him know that I need help with the baby. I did not know how to ask for help and support and had more of a passive agressive approach. That didn't help anything. Next, I would have found a way to get involved with a Mom's group or women's group. Anything to keep me feeling uplifted and social. Did you say you work full time? Are there people at work that are potential friends?
I thought I had it all figured out when my second child was born and guess what? Same reaction from hubby and I still felt a bit isolated. I think having a baby is a huge transition in so many ways and rarely do we handle it well.
I would suggest first communicating with your husband and letting him know what you want and need from him. If he doesn't seem responsive I would suggest finding a counselor. If he still doesn't seem to be on board then you can start thinking about if he is the right one for you.
Me and my husband have been through alot of good and bad times. I know that we are in such a better place now because we did put alot of time and energy into counseling and trying to work it out. A huge issue we have had is him going out with his friends. He claims he needs that outlet in his life. I used to fight it and it got me nowhere. So now we set up a plan...he goes out once every two weeks. Sometimes it turns into more but ususally not. This way we can plan for it and I actually look forward to the time alone at home with the kids sometimes.AND I get my night also. Don't forget about yourself. The only person we can truly change is ourselves. If he can go out, explain that you deserve the same break. If he doesn't comply which he totally should if he is going out..look hard for a babysitter not only for your alone time but for the two of you to go out. Call schools for a list or local churches. It will be well worth it. Even to go the bookstore for a cup of tea for an hour or two. Even if you are alone it will be better that sitting home resenting him.
Good luck girl. I know it may not seem so, but it gets better. Remember to communicate. I still get upset sometimes when I think of all the things that were hard after our first baby was born...I always keep in mind that I had a part in it too and that was my lack of asking for what I need. Good luck.

Is he saying you are an obligation or are you saying that in your head? When we are feeling sad and depressed we tend to project what we think on others. When he gets home, how do you explain you are frustrated? If you are accusing him because you are upset, he will get defensive or feel backed into a corner and that will drive him even further away. If he feels that you are being too clingy (which may not be true but that might be how he feels)he would try to run away. Tell him that you want to schedule a time to talk to him within the next 12 hours and make sure you keep it. During that time, sit facing each other and hold both his hands so he has to look at you. The first thing out of your mouth should be how much you love him and what he is doing right (take time before you talk to make a list) Tell him how much you enjoy it when you get to spend time together. Tell him that you are feeling lonely and stressed out with all of the responsibilities of the baby. If he gets defensive tell him that this is about you and that you just need him to listen and not try to fix anything. Make sure that anything you say does not have the word "you" anywhere in it. For example. I feel lonely when "YOU" go out every night. Instead say, I am feeling really overwhelmed lately and that makes me sad. Remember that you are not angry about what he is doing you are sad about what expectations you have that he is not doing. If he tries to make suggestions, gently remind him he is just there to listen and be there for you. When he asks what he can do to help, tell him that you need a hug and for him to help you be strong. Men need to feel needed. Once you have reached this point then you can discuss curtailing boys night to one night a week. I agree that you need to get out of the house and meet people. When you both are home in the evenings take the baby for a walk around the neighborhood (great exercise and you can meet people as a couple) Also get out and join a mom's group. Many churches as well as community centers have mom's groups. I just googled and came up with http://www.twincitiesmom.com/playgroup.html.
If you try this and are not getting anywhere, I know of some great couples communication classes that worked for my husband and I. You can email me at ____@____.com

Jen

There is probably a mom's group in your area. Join that so you can meet some new friends of your own. They generally have playgroups, bookclubs, craftclubs, moms night out... A lot of activities you can do with your baby along.

J. - Where are you located? I'm in the Quad Cities, in Illinois, and we have a great QC Moms group you could join! I would suggest finding a mom's group local to you and joining so that you can make some friends where you are at. Then too, I would talk to your husband about your feelings and ask him if he could spend more time at home with you and the new addition. While it is a change for both of you and moms just have more of a natural care taker instinct in most situations, dad still needs to realize that he should be home helping with baby and giving mom a bit of a breatk once in a while. Good luck to you! K.

This is a tough time for the whole family and generally it DOES get better. Being in a new place and feeling alone is no picnic. If you can find a group of moms with babies of the same age, it can be a huge support. Meriter has a great group, but it is durin the day, so if you're working. Try the Moms in Madison website too.

Good Luck.

Hi J.,

While technically my daughter wasn't considered a preemie (she came three weeks early, but I spent 2 weeks on bedrest), I hear you on how stressful it can be with a new one, especially when they arrive a little earlier than planned. If you're feeling sad, blue, crying a lot, or generally just feeling down, talk to your OB/GYN about postpartum and getting on some medication. I had to take something for about 9 months after my daughter was born. It helped immensely.

It's stressful moving at any point in your life, but having a child right after you move has to be the biggest stressor of them all. As if not becoming a new parent already weren't stressful enough! I do agree with some other posters, your husband is probably feeling totally overwhelmed at the moment, not knowing anyone (having to make new friends), probably being the only breadwinner at the moment (that's stressful), having to start a new job and fit in, having the baby come earlier than planned, having the baby take up all of your time (and probably feeling neglected that he can't have you all the time to himself, like he used to). And, if you moved away from family support...that doesn't help the situation, either. I know; family lives over 5 hours away on either side for us.

As for meeting new people...I can't remember how big Burke is...is there a library in town with kid hour? Any other type of community get-togethers? Our school has "open" gym for families in the winter and open library in the summer for families of small children; contact your school district or your community education services and see what they can tell you for what your community has to offer. Or, like someone stated, you can make forays into Madison, although that is a bit of a drive, though not too bad.

My daughter is now 8 years old, and loves babies! I would be willing to get to together ###-###-####), or exchange e-mails (____@____.com), and my daughter would love fussing over the little one. Don't be afraid to contact me if you need to reach out to someone. (I like babies, too!) I have my own business at home, so am flexible with my hours.

A. C.

Oh hugs! I feel your pain, I really do. My daughter is now 5 months old and we have similar issues (although we haven't relocated). I think we have expectations toward how we think things will be after the baby is born and then reality sets in. I am nursing so my husband automatically thinks I am the primary caregiver because of that. I hope some of the others have some tips for you.

i hope that you know it is entirly possible for men to suffer from postpartum depression. i feel that because he is a man, he might have more trouble expressing these feelings and getting the help he needs. encourage him to go to your baby's next doctors appointment, as i think that the doctor is also there to pay attention to moms and dads. if you cant get him to go to the doctor, mention it to your doctor. it really sounds like he is really suffering here and trying to adjust to the baby. its hard for him since moms usually take full care of baby. encourage him to change diapers, burp the baby, when he is around in hopes of increasing his instincts and confidence in caring for baby!

i really hope that you guys can get through this. the first few years of a baby's life are the hardest because they are so dependent on mom and dad and that is NORMAL and FINE. there is NOTHING wrong with your baby needing you, you only have to find a way to balance taking care of baby and taking care of your marriage. can someone take the baby for the day and you and your husband spend a whole day together? i know men usually dont 'talk' the way women do, so maybe take a drive together? something where he can talk while doing something else. a walk even. something where its not just 'one on one' pressure to talk.

anyway, i am also 'concerned' with you referring to your son's age as "adjusted age of 2 weeks". every baby is different and will grow and develop differently. i wouldnt want you to use prematurity as a 'crutch' of sorts to feel better about him developing slower than other children his "real" age. just remember that your son isnt dumb, or slow, he will just develop differently, and that isnt a bad thing. baby might surprise you though and do some things earlier than expected, so dont hold baby back either. let him or her develop as he or she needs to! dont feel like you have to excuse behavior or development as a result of prematurity. its not a handicap! i suppose there are times where it might need to be brought up, say if you are attending an early childhood class or something with your child and the teachers express concerns about an age specific development. however, you only have to say that your baby is just developing at a different pace but that his doctor is confident that he or she is on target developmentally.

so yeah, i know it is TERRIBLY hard to get husbands to pitch in or seem to care. maybe he just feels like baby doesnt like him because when he holds baby, baby cries, or is otherwise difficult to warm to. you need to stress that it is NOT that baby doesnt like daddy, but that baby needs to take time to get used to daddy.

i still have concerns sometimes that my husband doesnt want to spend time with our son. our son is 17 months old and it is hard when mom is the cure-all for everything. i have certainly stepped back and let my husband respond to our son more often, and let him take over. it is still hard to get him to do things like change a diaper or give a bath, anything that requires real "work". so it is still frustrating sometimes. but realize that it is a HUGE adjustment for a dad.... i feel that because us women carry the baby around with us for 9 months, we prepare every day for baby, talking to baby, touching baby, always literally connected. dads dont have that, and maybe once baby is born it is a sudden thing, and pressure to connect right away is pretty strong, when maybe the feelings just arent there. just wait until baby starts interacting with dad specifically, in a good way. do things like get excited with baby when dad does come home. i always took our son to the window and said, "whos here!! is it daddy!! yay! daddys here!!" and now our son always rushes to the window in the evenings when i tell him "whos here" and he gets really excited and waves and squeals... it seems that they are much more connected now that our son is actually connecting to daddy!

but remember that it is sometimes a slow gradual process for dad to connect to baby. but express your concers with your doctor, and see if you cant get your husband to come to the doctor with you. it isnt dads fault if he feels unsure! its normal!

I'm sorry you feel this way it can't be easy to go through this. I know when you first become a mother you often feel very lonely even when your husband is around. I think you need to talk to him and NOT attack him. There are many different ways to approach things if you start off mad they will immediatly become defensive. Tell him how it makes you feel. Ask him (nicely) why he doesn't want be with the baby or you. Maybe he feels like he doesn't know what to do with the baby bcs. he's so small. Maybe he feels left out becasue you two have such a bond. I think you should try to get to the root of the issue. If that doesn't work maybe you should lock the door? Hope it helps. I just know it easer to talk about how you feel about issues rather than having the same fight over and over. Good Luck. Do you live in the fort area? I have two kids, (2 and 10 months) who love to go to the park. We'd love to meet you some time if you're feeling lonely. ____@____.com

Hello J.,
I see that others have given you some great advice about getting involved in your community or with groups...BUT I think that the friends issue will get better once your baby is older and moving around. Summer is here and that gives you the opprotunity to go to parks and meet other moms. I think that the only thing you really need advice on is how to handle your husband. If you are as good of friends as you say you are then he will listen to how you feel. Tell him that the baby needs both parents to take of her and not only financially. He is not a single..not a care in the world guy anymore. Time to grow up and be a husband and father first and foremost. If he can not hack it you'll know right awayfrom his response to the TALK you will be having about this issue soon. Defensive and degrating behavior is the first sign. If he blows up at you..evaluate this type of blow up. Does he yell loudly, does he hit things, does he leave and not come back for hours, does he return drunk or high???? all questions to think about. If he does all or even one of these things it is time to think about what you really want for yourself and your child!!!!! It could be that he is just trying to meet friends and when you talk to him he will understand, but if he doesn't..be prepared to follow through with what you wither say or threaten!!!
Good Luck, H.

You do need a little attention... Mothers who have just given birth to the most wonderful person in the world deserve some recognition and praise for bring such amazment into the world. Knowing that you are loved and appreciated are so important to women most importantly to mothers.
Telling him you need the support and attention is not getting through to him so you are going to have to treat him as I do my own 5 year old. They react so positively to praise... if he helps me set the table I'll say "Andrew thank you so much for helping me get that done. I couldn't have made it all come together without you." Treating your husband as though you can't live without him is sometimes what our men need to see. Well it's not the greatest of advice but know that you are not alone, we women have to support one another DAILY!

I think a mom's group would really help you a lot too. You could check out http://www.momsclub.org/welcome.html to see if they have one in your area. There are quite a few in my area so you might want to try an internet search. Also one of the hospitals in my area has a mother/baby hour class that I've heard is wonderful. Maybe there is something like that in your area too. Good luck and I hope the communication with your husband improves soon.

J.,
I had a similar problem until I went looking for similar people. MOPS has groups all over the twin cities that meet - look for one of those. It stands for Mothers Of PReschoolers, but it is really moms of children Kindergarten and younger. There are also local chapters of Moms Club. When your little one is a bit older, ECFE would also be great for you! See what your city has to offer! :')

Have you considered making some plans to do things in the evening by yourself? Going to the grocery store, the library, just anything to get out of the house? This would force him to be there for your baby. It might go a long way towards getting his head in the right place.

Hang in there. You have had two major stressors in life moving and parenthood. It is not easy being alone and trying to figure out parenthood. We moved to Alexandria, VA after my son was only 18 days old. We did not have any family to help out. Things will get easier as your baby gets older.

Dear J.,

It's Spring!!! Get out!!!
Free Friday night and Saturday night concert series.
Go to the kids' section at the local library- look for other nursing Mom's to talk to.
You can join La Leche League and make othe Mommie friends.
Whether you can get your husband to tune in to the rhthyms of the baby and be as attentive as you want him to or not-- You must support yourself by finding a community of Mothers who get it!
I understand that you are very vulnerable now as is your baby.
The reality of how much a baby changes your life is scary for everyone and relationships can suffer-
You can grow through this but the intensity that you are feeling about being dependant and needy is natural.
It just doesn't get discussed much in our feminist emancipated, post modern world!

Your baby will never need you so constantly as she does now and for the coming months.
Giving your self over to her is a devotion and holy act!
Finding other parents who honor you, laugh with you and understand the difficulty and joy-
The ones who are currently discovering it- are your greatest resource.

Hopefully, there will also be Daddy role models that your man can relate to, too.

You can try the Belly Dance for Birth Workshop at Old Brick this Sunday as a place to meet community and make connections.

Call me K. ###-###-####.
Anytime.
My kids are 8 and 10 now.
I will be eternally grateful to the Mom who reached out to me when I was in a similar place.

Gathering your strength to focus on the baby may or may not help your man to tune in but you will never be sorry for how this will nourish you and your baby.

Hi J. -
Finding a good church is an excellent way to meet people. And it is an hour a week when you and your husband can have someone else watch your baby for a bit (the nursery). I don't know what part of town you are in, but Eagle Brook Church in Lino Lakes is awesome! It is big, but if you get into some bible studies and/or a small group, it is really great and you can build life-long friendships. Check it out - their messages are online so you can get a feel for what it is like. www.eaglebrookchurch.com - take care & God bless - D. ____@____.com

There is so much going on right now for both of you. The isolation can make it even worse. I know it must feel like you have no time but could you get to a counselor once a week? It could really help you survive this tough time and may help you decide when and how to broach the subject with your husband.
Best of luck,
A.

Dear J.,

Yikes! I was reading some of the advice people are giving and it scared me to death! I don't respond to very many people but it sounds like there is a shift in your life with the way your husband is acting towards you and you need to do something fast! Making new friends in town for him is great but invite them over, let your husband be at home with you and with his friends. If that is a problem, there is a problem you're not aware of. I am not trying to scare you. Just trying to nip a problem in the butt before it blows up in your face. I read a response about writing to him. Great idea. It gives you a chance to get your feelings out, but have him read it when he is alone, not with you, and he has time to think about it before he responds to you. Also, in the letter, point out good points about him and understanding his point of view also. But you've got to get it out and get things back to normal. As far as friends, you have a computer, you always have a friend to write to and say howdy. I don't have many friends I do things with, my kids and husband consume my life. I keep myself very busy and remember how lucky I am to have the things I have. But your relationship with your husband needs to remain strong or it will make you unsure. Also, watch the alcohol if that plays a role. It can be a BAD role. Hope this helps!
C. H