A Soon to Be 18 Year Old Highschool Daughter

Updated on August 10, 2012
B.B. asks from Westlake, LA
16 answers

my daughter will be 18 next month and im concerned she wants to move out with her boyfriend,she is a senior in highschool and we are having trouble with rules i worry if she does move out she will end up coming back pregnant and ruin her college schlorships. what should we do?

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So What Happened?

We just had a discussion with our daughter it went very well I asked her to write down what freedoms she felt was needed ami I wrote what were willing to give there were a couple of things we have to come to a compromise on but we very lovingly let her know that we don't condone living with a bf and there would be no financial help if she chose that, thankfully she didn't seem to act as if that was her plan it was a little funny as she was reading off her list one was to stay out until ten on school nights I had 10:30 on my paper of course I didn't let her know so 10 it is. Writing down all of our concerns and what each felt they needed or willing was perfect I highly regimens that. Were also going to have all the house rules and curfew typed up for us all to sign. Thank everyone it was such a big help:)

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R.K.

answers from Appleton on

Talk to her about birth control. If she is 18 there is really nothing you can do. She is a legal adult and responsible for her life.

4 moms found this helpful
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C.N.

answers from Baton Rouge on

If she's 18 and wants to move out, you can't legally stop her. You CAN tell her that you will NOT be supporting/raising any grandchildren and that if she loses her scholarships, you won't be ponying up money for school.

3 moms found this helpful

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R.D.

answers from Richmond on

I was a pregnant 18 year old high school senior. I went to college, had 2 MORE kids, have a stable, steady job, own 2 cars, have a house...

... and I moved out at 16. I STILL went to school, graduated high school, and did all that.

What's the problem? Let her learn from her own mistakes. Cut the cord. Yeah, she could go way down hill... or she could end up a huge success like me. I'm proud of what I've done and how far I've come. I have more than most married mothers can claim as their own, and above all, WE'RE HAPPY.

Just because it's not your way, doesn't mean it's the wrong way, as long as the end result is the same: HAPPY, HEALTHY KIDS :)

3 moms found this helpful

M.F.

answers from Portland on

I am confused by all these parents that keep coming on here asking about their (basically) adult children.

As I have said before, all you CAN do is hope that you taught her right, believe that she is the person you want her to be, that you raised her to be, and wait and see.

In a month she will legally be allowed to do WHATEVER she wants.
Sleep with whomever she wants.
Get pregnant if she wants.
Go to college or not go, if she wants.

All that you can do is decide, if she does get pregnant, whether or not you will be involved in your grandchild's life.

Good luck.

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D.B.

answers from Chicago on

If she has college scholarships waiting for her, she must have a good head on her shoulders?

Just because she is not happy with the rules of the house, doesn't mean that she is going to pack up and leave. How is a senior in high school going to be able to move out and support herself?

I would talk to her and strongly encourage her to finish her senior year and then go away to college. Talk to her about how much more she can have with a good education.

If I were in your shoes my goal would be to get her to finish school. How are the rules at home? Do you think you are being fair with her or do you think that there may be a little wiggle room to let some slack out? The reason I ask is that there was a mom on here not to long ago that was over the top controlling. You don't want her controlling you and getting whatever she wants, but there might be some compromising that needs to happen.

2 moms found this helpful
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K.C.

answers from Norfolk on

I'm not sure what your financial promises to her have been regarding college tuition and living expenses, but I had a friend that I thought had a good idea. He told his daughter that he was happy to put her through college, living expenses included, but she had to follow three rules: 1) get good grades, 2) she could not live with a boy/boyfriend, 3) couldn't get a tattoo. This was a mutual agreement and worked well for both of them.

I think it's completely reasonable to withhold financial support if she wants to move in with the BF. If she's adult enough to make such a decision, she's adult enough to support herself.

2 moms found this helpful

L.A.

answers from Austin on

Welcome to mamapedia.

Wow, don't you wish she would just listen to you? Kids could learn so much from us if they would just be willing to listen to our experiences.

Really all you can do is tell her your concerns. No emotion just write them down and then tell her.

And then you decide what you are willing or not willing to do to support this.
These are just some examples.

I am concerned that you will not complete your senior year. I am concerned you are going to regret not getting to be a typical senior.

I am concerned you will not get into college because you are not going to fill out the applications and be able to afford to even apply.

I am concerned you are going to get your feelings hurt if this does not work out.

I am concerned you could get pregnant or get a communicable disease.

I am concerned you will not be able to support yourself.

I am concerned if you depend on your boyfriend for all of the financial support, you will feel obligated to stay with him or have to do whatever he wants you to do.

If you move out, I will not give you any money.

If you move out, we will need your key back to the house. Please call us before you come over to make sure we will be here. .

We will not pay for your cell phone.

We will not pay for your car insurance.

You will need to give us back the car you are driving or you need to pay us for the car. The car is going to be sold for $5000. I will need you to give me the keys so we can sell it.

We will pay for your health insurance for 6 months and then we will remove you from our policy. Remember you will not be able to be added back on, unless you are willing to pay us for it.

She wants to be an adult, cool.. She will be able to decide if she is really ready or not.

Tough love, it is tougher for us to have to put it out on the table and let them know the truth, but if she wants to be an adult, these are the things she needs to be prepared to take care of. Le her decide if she can and is willing to go for it.

2 moms found this helpful

S.L.

answers from New York on

Have a lot of talks with her about how having a child will really slow down her future. Dont spend all your time trying to push her away from her boyfriend, just encourage her to have this time to enjoy her girlfriends too.
Make birth control a big priority, offer to take her to a gyno.

1 mom found this helpful
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L.M.

answers from New York on

As a legal adult she can do whatever she wants.

I think you need to make some decissions/rules that you are willing to abide to no matter what. For example, if she does move out, how will she support herself? Are you willing to offer any fiancial support? If she wants to move back home, is that an option, under what circumstances?

After you talk this over with your husband and you're both in agreement, sit down with her and discuss your concerns.

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D.P.

answers from Sacramento on

As someone said she will be 18 and legal, but you are still and always will be her parent. Let her know if she does move out and she doesnt finish school, she cannot come back, or if she does get pregnant she cannot come back. Tell her if she thinks she is adult enough to move out she most be adult enough to face the consequences of any of her actions. Were you planning on helping pay for any senior year trips, pictures ect? If so make it clear to her she will beed to be responsible for al that herself as well as for her college education, should she chose to continue her education. Although in the eyes of the law a child is an adult at 18, many 18 year olds still need the guidance and finances of their parents.Good Luck to you!

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G.B.

answers from Oklahoma City on

I suggest you lighten up on her, she is an adult whether she acts like one or not. If she is living with you and making her own choices you are seen in a different light. You are her mom and dad but not the bossy rule making ones. You are the supportive caring one. Then she may not make as many mistakes since she has a safe haven to stay in.

On the other hand, I would get her on birth control, get him to promise to use alternative birth control, and make sure he knows he has to treat your daughter like the best thing he is ever going to know. Maybe he'll treat her better and more respectful because of this talk.

L.P.

answers from Tyler on

My oldest will turn 18 in Nov. We have had many conversations about her goals, where she wants to end up in life, what she is looking for in a husband, what obstacles can and will interupt her plans and what she needs to do to be proactive and prevent those obstacles from blocking her from achieving her goals.

That all sounds like cold coach speak, but we want to be clear spoken with her when it is her FUTURE we are discussing. We're the same with driving priviledges, she needs to be a responsible driver to have the priviledge to be on the road. Dealing with that issue more now than we want to :)

Communicate, plan and what-if with her, I am usually in tears during these VERY intense conversations with my precious girl. I cannot imagine sleeping at night once she is legally on her own without knowing that we had these talks.

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S.W.

answers from Amarillo on

It's all about becoming and adult the 18 like the 21 to drink milestone in a child's life.

As parents we want the best for our children. But we forget many times that they are adults and see them as the 6 to 10 year old child. As my husband said recently, "They are my babies even if they are 39 and 35. They will always be my babies."

You hope and pray that what you have taught your child(ren) will stick with them when they reach this milestone 18. You hope and pray that you have taught them right from wrong and that they have a good amount of common sense to go along with their potential smarts.

There are some students who do leave home for variious reasons before the age of 18 and succeed and there are those who don't. But the bottom line or lesson is that we all have to learn how to make it in this world. Some will struggle and find their way and others won't. There is no way to tell which way they will go.

My hat is tipped to you Rachel for being a determined, driven person to see where you wanted to go and to go for it. Many others are not as driven and fall away.

Now is the time to treat daughter as an adult and as you have mentioned in your SWH that she is responsible for her actions. All actions have reactions -- just part of life. There are always problems with children they just change as the child grows even into adulthood.

Be there for her. I feel that she will listen and do the right thing. But always be there and don't criticize her for her mistakes as that will send her packing or moving far away from you.

My daughter at 17 told me I was her best friend. I told her that I was very honored to have that title as I thought one of her other friends was her best friend. We share a bond to this day as buddies and chat about all kinds of things. So do keep the door of communication open and put trust and faith in knowing that you did your best.

The other S.

PS Your daughter will be fine as referenced from your SWH. Welcome to the new world of adult child and what life brings.

L.M.

answers from Dover on

Talk TO her...not AT her. Listen to her. If she wants to move out, you can't stop her once she turns 18 so don't try to force her to do anything.

I would find a way to tell her the following (in your own words, sincerely)...Suzy, I ask that you hear me out and truly consider what I have to say before you make your decision. You are almost 18 but you are still a high school student. I can not force you to stay here in our family home but I do hope that you do and will be very disappointed if you don't. I am very concerned about what is in your best interest. While being 18 does make you a legal adult, moving out changes other things too. How will you support yourself? Rent, electric, phone, food, health insurance, car insurance or other transportation it is all very expensive especially for young adults. How will you support yourself (and these expenses) while finishing school? Is college on your radar? How will you handle that expense while living on your own? I hate to see you struggle during what should be the best time of your life so far...senior year, college etc should be a time for enjoying yourself not struggling so you can live elsewhere. Please consider staying home, save your money, enjoy these milestones. We can work out some house rules that will give you more freedom while taking into account your age.

Good luck.

F.H.

answers from Phoenix on

Great first question! Welcome to MP!

Change the locks and start to pray! Good luck!

A.L.

answers from Dothan on

I am sorry to say that when she turns 18 the choice is out of your hands.

Try to not confront her, ask her to talk with someone she trusts that you think has common sense, offer to help her continue her studies in any way you can, etc..

As far as pregnancy, have you talked with her about birth control? By now if she is sexually active with boyfriend you should be aware & involved with her protection from not only pregnancy but STD's, it's a scary place to be sexually active in this world of so many diseases so easily spread.

I hope she makes good choices for herself as well as for her future. Good luck!

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