A Guy I’ve Recently Started Dating Has a Pregnant Ex Girlfriend.

Updated on July 28, 2019
N.L. asks from Baton Rouge, LA
27 answers

I met a guy thru an online dating site and talked for a few weeks before we decided to meet. He’s a great person and father to a kid that is a year apart in age from my own kid. Once we met there was an instant connection and comfort level I’ve never experienced with someone & he’s communicated that he felt the same way. after meeting he wanted to tell me in person that he’s got some baggage. I never considered his child and ex Baggage bc they have a great co parenting relationship like my ex husband and I do. His baggage was that he dated a woman for roughly 4 months before he started talking to me. They broke up multiple times over the 4 months but she would always guilt him back into a relationship. The final time he broke up with her (3 months before we ever started talking) he got a text from her 2 days after breaking up that she was pregnant with his baby. He told her he’d be there for whatever she needed and obviously would support in whatever way necessary but that he didn’t want to get back together because they weren’t right for each other. At the time he told me about this situation (the first time we met in person) they hadn’t been in communication since the initial notification of her pregnancy. Not for lack of his reaching out, but for lack of her responding. After he told me about everything- and I found out I’m the only person in his life he’s told yet, I had to do some reflection over whether or not it was something I could handle. He reached out to her and it is very evident she wants him back. She’s guilted him constantly as to why he doesn’t want to marry her, or try to make what was already a dysfunctional relationship work, for the sake of the baby not having split up parents. he knows he doesn’t want to be with her and has point blank said that even though the easy route would be to get back with her, he knows he’d be setting himself up for a life of misery and that wouldn’t be beneficial to their future child anyway. he’s a very good man and a very good father and at this point he’s trying to keep the peace with her at all costs, without telling her he’s seeing someone else, even though we’re exclusive, it’s been too soon to define the relationship. Personally, I believe this is something I can handle, as I’ve had step kids before with someone who had a horrible relationship with his ex... but I’ve never been through this baby on the way situation. Which is also ok because I don’t want anymore children of my own (neither did he and she knew that but she was older and felt she was running out of time.) I’m not blaming her bc it takes two and while he wasn’t very smart with not wanting more children, it’s pretty blatantly obvious that she figured getting pregnant would get them back together or get him to marry her. I can handle babies. I can handle crazy exes. What I’m worried about is being with a man that is easily guilted into doing things that aren’t even in his own best interest, by a woman that isn’t seemingly going to want to let go of the idea that they’re not going to be together just because she’s pregnant. I’ve read lots of other posts on this and I know a lot of people are told to walk away, but when I took my time to think about everything, I don’t want to look back and regret walking out on what would potentially be an amazing relationship just because the man has baggage. I’m not a jealous person and I totally believe his future kid should come first before any relationship with me. But I’m just confused on where I should set my boundaries or when I’d be even allowed to feel disrespected when it comes to his relationship with the mother. I’m well aware he’ll be at the birth of the baby and I’m sure she’ll want help afterwards. Which I understand to an extent, but as someone who went to every dr appointment alone and was alone with my baby 90% of the time (at 14 years younger than she is), I don’t really feel like he should feel guilty, especially since he didn’t break up with her before he knew she was pregnant. between even talking to and meeting me he had 3 months to get back together with her if he was going to and it didn’t happen. Has anyone else been in a similar situation with the pregnant ex wanting the man back & piling on all the guilt possible to get him to come back? I’m just worried that when the baby comes, if we continue this, we’ll be 5-6 months into a relationship and if that’s the case I feel like at the very least she should know that he’s seeing someone, at least before the baby comes.

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answers from San Francisco on

An "amazing relationship"?
Girl. Please.
Walk away from the dick. I don't care how big it is there is another one around the corner.

9 moms found this helpful

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answers from Washington DC on

N. - welcome to mamapedia.

Now, if this were me? I'd wake up out of my stupor and say to myself "self, he might be playing us both" he's not being honest with HER - why would he be honest with you?? come on. He's getting it at both ends...I'd actually go and get tested for STDs...sorry. But I would. He was careless in having sex with her. How many others was he careless with?

Why do I say that? Because he hasn't told her about YOU.

This relationship will be one of strife and constant pulling because he 'is easily guilted' into things. Sorry. He needs to stand up and say "paternity test, please" and then hire a lawyer to get everything ironed out NOW and not later.

Did you stop to think of the drama you are inflicting on your own child? This constant pull and back and forth is not going to be good for your child. I'd tell him "thank you so much for the good times and I know that finding someone who makes me feel like you do will be hard, but I need to move on and allow you to deal with this situation."

Good luck!

17 moms found this helpful


answers from Denver on

Your entire focus is off. Your post is about previously being a step-mother, about having a new boyfriend who's got one child with an ex and who now has another ex who is pregnant. You're debating whether to continue in this relationship, and how the new baby will affect things. And you're stressing over your new boyfriend is mentally and emotionally strong enough to handle all of this and commit to a relationship with you.



Your post barely mentions the child you have.

What you should be is a mother to your child. Where your boundaries should be set is around you and your child.

I don't know how old your child is, but that doesn't matter. Your child has already had a father in her life, and some random "mommy's boyfriends" and mommy's boyfriend's kid and now another one of mommy's boyfriend's kids. "Mommy's boyfriend has to leave now and go help his other girlfriend because she's having his baby. Mommy keeps wondering if her new boyfriend can be a boyfriend to her and help his last girlfriend with her new baby and Mommy is babysitting her boyfriend's kid that he already had with his other other girlfriend. When I grow up I can have lots of boyfriends with lots of kids and they won't have time for me but that's what Mommies do I guess."

Do you want your child's story to read like that? Or do you want your child to be able to say "Mommy loves me and even though it's just the two of us, we're a family. She reads to me every night. We don't have a lot of money but we have a lot of love, and our house is a happy place. She's always home when I go to bed and when I wake up. I know she loves me and I want to be a Mommy like her when I grow up."

Stop being a girlfriend, or anything else. Be a stable, loving, committed Mother.

16 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

You have met and fallen for a very charming man. He is charming with you, charming with his child. Apparently you are both great with your exes.

But here's one of many red flags. You have a great deal in common with the other woman - you are both smitten by him, you feel a tight connection, you both see fireworks and rainbows.

As you say, he is easily guilted into a relationship - which means he gets into bed with someone he knows he's not suited to. He gives in to emotional guilt.

And how much do you really know, vs. how much has he told you? What if this is just his spin, and it's not entirely true? Charming people are highly skilled, and you fell hook, line and sinker for him, his charisma, and his stories. Yes, he's convincing. But just a few months out of relationship with her, he's suddenly seeing you as the be all and end all?

He's not ready for you. He's not free. You're not - or shouldn't be - ready for him. Just because you went to every prenatal appointment alone doesn't mean she should - if that's what you're saying. He knowingly got in bed with her, and he did nothing to protect himself from paternity. So he's got blame here, whether she swore she was on birth control or not. He knew - or should have known - that the relationship was tenuous, and he has to bear every responsibility for allowing this to happen. No way this is all on the woman.

Take a break. You don't have to end it all. Just slow way down. Stop dating and sharing deep confidences. He does not - and he should not - have time for you right now. Let his baby come, and let him figure out how to connect that baby with his older child. Let him navigate all those adjustments. Including you and your child in this is a terrible idea. Your child doesn't deserve to get attached to someone who is already tied to 2 children and 2 exes.

And does he have a spine? He couldn't resist someone who played on his sympathies? Guilt is something she dishes out maybe, but he willingly shouldered it. What in the world makes you think he wouldn't let guilt (or temptation or the glow of an adoring woman) get the better of him again? Why don't you think you deserve better?

If this is meant to be, you'll know when he spends the next year dealing with his obligations and his new child. I don't know what your hurry is or what your assurances are that he's legit.

14 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

You don't need this drama in your life. At this point the baby may or may not exist. If it does it may not be his. And if it is he'll need time to figure out how this all works so he can be there for his new baby. Your child doesn't need to be put into situations where his crazy ex is making life miserable and you using your time to focus on that situation instead of your child's well being.


Get your head screwed on straight and start thinking about you and your child before dealing with his drama. Soooo not worth this.

13 moms found this helpful


answers from Atlanta on

Did you ever see the movie "Forrest Gump" and Jenny is yelling to Forrest "RUN!! FORREST RUN!!!" well, that's what I'm saying to you! RUN N. RUN!!

He's not being honest with HER. He's got you hook, line and sinker and yet you make excuses for him. WHY? I wonder what he's telling HER. My guess is that he's slick and getting it from both of you.

Get yourself out of this "relationship", sorry, but it's not really a relationship. And focus on your child and raising.

He's got your smoking over the fires and panting. But I would put some water on that fire and let it go. I think he's playing you. I don't think she's an "ex". I think she's one of two or more...

13 moms found this helpful


answers from Reading on

That is not a hot mess I'd willingly put myself in the middle of. No man is worth that to me. I'd rather be alone and at peace than inserting myself into that mess.

(honestly - nothing anyone here will change your mind, so I don't know why you're asking. You know the answer - you say it over and over in your own question. But if you were willing to listen to those warning bells, you wouldn't be here in the first place.)

13 moms found this helpful


answers from Miami on

I’m sorry, but I think you would be crazy to stay with this new relationship with so much drama. Your child doesn’t need this drama. You should care more about your child than this man.

12 moms found this helpful


answers from Pittsburgh on

not only no but oooohhhh hell no.

You are being played. He is lying to her and basically lying to you.

Focus on your child and yourself. Stay away from this.

11 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

Your priority should be your child. HOW ON EARTH can you justify allowing this type of drama to be introduced to your child.

He must have some good bedroom skills that you value over using your brain and seeing clearly that you are being played by a player who knows how to talk to someone wanting a a good piece.

RUN unless you just love drama and want to live in it. Look at the behavior you are modeling for your young child's eyes??

11 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

WALK AWAY. I have been in your shoes, I stayed, and it was a huge mistake. I met a guy when I was in college who was in an extended circle of friends. After knowing him for a few months, we started dating. About 6 weeks in the relationship, he learned that a woman he had been hooking up with before we started dating was pregnant. Like you, I didn't want to "punish" him for "doing the right thing" and encouraged him to be there for her and the baby, etc. We were together for almost two years and it was a mess in retrospect. He was never really straight with either of us about what was going on...he was telling her one thing and telling me another story. I later found out that she didn't know about me, and for all I know he was still with her for at least a while, I don't know. At the end of the day, I got pregnant as well, he left the state before my son was born and it's been 21 years.

Even if your guy isn't the shady loser that mine was, he's not available right now. He needs ot be single, he needs to figure out what his relationship with his child and the child's mother will be, and then when he really has his act together and they have a clear sense of their roles, their relationship, custody, support, living arrangements, etc., he'll be free to date. If you're still single and interested in a couple of years when things settle down, date him then. If you're meant to be together, it'll work out. But right now, extract yourself from this mess and let him focus on getting his life together.

11 moms found this helpful


answers from San Diego on

Wow, this guy is slick! He’s got a single mom, hooked and baited.

The pregnant women is his girlfriend not his ex, he is just telling you this so he can justify cheating on her while she is pregnant. There is no “guilt” just lies. Perfect con.

Do you think he could pull this nonsense on a childless women? No way!
He is using the fact that your a single mom to justify this and that you can “handle” things and disrespecting you in the process.

This guy has a kid from one women, a baby on the way from another, who “wants him” and then wants a relationship with you?

Why put yourself and your kid through this mess?

11 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

My son is 16. His childhood went EXTREMELY fast. Raise your child in a calm, drama free home. Send him to college. Then invite all the chaos into your home that you want.

10 moms found this helpful


answers from Philadelphia on

The fact that he is not honest with his baby mama by telling her that he is in a relationship with you tells me all I need to know. Personally, I would be grateful I dodged that bullet. He has too much baggage and he’s certainly leading her on by not saying he’s in another relationship...of course he could be leading you on and telling her what she wants to hear. You really can’t know. In any event, I would not trust him if I were you. Move on before you invest another day/week/month into this mess of his life. If nothing else, I at least hope you use 2 forms of birth control to protect yourself from being his third baby mama. Seriously, how very irresponsible of him to get her pregnant after only a 4 month rocky, dysfunctional relationship. What was he thinking?? What are you thinking??? You can do better!!!!

10 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

i suggest you use paragraphs to make your posts readable. i skimmed the second half of this, since the first half was basically you swooning over your new crush and making lots and lots of excuses as to why it's terrific that he's got a baby and a half and it's all the fault of those hos he used to be with before he lucked out with you.

i expect this will be a drama-filled and contentious situation with much anger, yelling and accusations flying from all quarters, with a bunch of kids stuck in the crossfire.

have fun.


10 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

Any man who is interested/focussed on dating when he's involved in that mess, and not focussed on the child that is coming .. seems like a jerk to me. And why he would drag a woman with a child into that - is selfish in my books.

And why that would appeal to you - not sure. You say you've been involved with crazy exes who were high drama. Seems like you feel you can handle the situation. Why would you want to? Plenty of good men, great relationship, wonderful fits - without any baggage.

That's what you and your child deserve.

He's part of the equation here. He went back - not from guilt, but because he's drawn to it. Speaks volumes about the man. At the very least, he has problems. He hasn't addressed them - and you can't fix them. He should have sorted ALL that out before looking for love with someone out. Too soon, hasn't dealt with any of that, it's still ongoing - and at the very least - I would say "You know what, I value myself and my child so at this point - no harm in us taking a break until you sort all this out and I think you should focus on the baby that is coming."

Personally, I would untangle myself (and child) from it altogether, but if you can't do that - say you want to take a break, and use that as an excuse if you need to - that he should focus on his child coming (and his other one). His life is chaotic and stressed at this point in time. It's the truth.

Good luck

ETA - I missed the part where he hasn't told her about you. So he's not even honest? You have low standards or can talk yourself into believing what he's saying. Either way, stop focussing on this guy and his ex. Focus on yourself and your little :)

10 moms found this helpful


answers from Atlanta on

I suggest you read the responses below carefully and notice that none of them say 'Sure, keep on in the relationship with him.' Most of them tell you to get the heck out, and a few say to put the relationship on the back burner for a year until things shake out. I also suspect that the least negative post (right below mine) would have been more negative if she had had a child of her own already who needed her full-time as a parent. You need to think about the impacts of all this drama on your own child based on the likely actions of the other adults involved, the other children involved, and your own emotional state as you deal with the other parties' actions.

It also may help you to get clear by re-reading what you wrote yourself. You end by saying he should at least be honest with this other gal about being in a relationship with you. You also say that his willingness to be 'guilted' into actions is a concern for you. If a friend came to you and said she or he was considering a relationship with someone who has these two problematic tendencies, what would you say? I think that's your answer. Good luck, and please do think with your mama heart rather than your girlfriend/partner heart.

10 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

I just wrote a long answer that disappeared. I'll synthsize it now.

I see him having not told his pregnant ex that he has joined a singles web site and that he is dating as a red flag. No wonder she thinks she can get himback. She did get him back 4 times before. I would expect him to make a CLEAN break from that relationship before starting another relationship. A pregnant girlfriend is more than baggage. It's a trunk with the lid still open.

You haven't known him long enough to trust what he says or to know this will be a good relationship. I've felt I clicked with several people, men and women. I'm still friends with some of them. I didn't marry any of them. Unfortunately, I endured much pain and drama before I realized that marriage wasn't going to work.

He, as nearly everyone does, shows the best parts of him. I see you making an argument with yourself for why you should date him. This suggests to me that on some level it's not a good idea. You are thinking rationally while being led by your feelings. Perhaps making a list of potential good qualities and then make a list of his actions that might indicate there's a problem. Then compare. Use rational thinking. That you felt comfortable with him is a rational thought. Be open and honest with yourself.

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Springfield on

I think you've met a guy you really like, and you want to see if this can work. The relationship is in the new stages, and it really feels good.

Right now you are looking at this situation as less than ideal and trying to figure out how you can make it work. What you need to be doing is accepting the fact that this situation is way less than what you deserve. The alternative is to be single again, but you just never know what might be waiting for you around the corner. Sometimes when we experience great disappointment (a break-up, not getting the job we want, etc.), it's easy to focus on what we thought we wanted and how disappointed we are that it didn't happen. But don't forget that the right guy (or job or whatever) could be waiting for you to let go of this one.

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Norfolk on

I wouldn't continue this relationship.
I would not want to risk becoming an additional bag in his baggage collection.
The man will be paying child support for 2 kids with 2 different women.
If he's a part of his kids lives - which would be commendable - how much time is he going to have for you and your child?
I would not want to be introducing him, his kids, his exes to my kid.
Relationships should not be this hard or so full of drama potential.
Walking away is good advice - you'll not have regrets about dodging a bullet.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

You say you can handle crazy exes, but why do you want to? I think you are right to be concerned about his vulnerability to being manipulated, although it isn’t clear to me if that is the truth, or that is what he is telling you.

The biggest red flag is that he hasn’t told her about you. That should be your line in the sand. If he can’t do that, he is not ready to be in a relationship with you while co-parenting with her and with his other ex. If she wants him back, she will definitely be needing him for things for the baby constantly. If he can’t be clear with her now, how is that going to improve once the child is born and there are legitimate expectations on him.

Please, protect yourself and your child by putting some brakes on this. If he is able to be honest with her and you really feel like the relationship has more good than bad, then move slowly. Maybe seek counseling for yourself to better understand the choices you have been making with regards to relationships. You don’t say how old your child is, but when you expose a child to all this drama, you make it more likely that they will find drama in their own relationships because drama will seem normal.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Miami on

No way, this is a bit more than the traditional sense of "baggage." He has a child on the way with a woman who still wants him back, and he seems to be gullible, considering he went back to her more than once because she "guilted him" (Can't he take responsibility for his OWN choices and decision to jump back into the sack? It takes two). That is a bad sign. It makes me wonder how often he goes back to prior relationships and quickly jumps into new relationships if he is unable to be on his own for longer than a few months. It also sounds like he cannot keep his willy dry, and must constantly be plunging it in someone (sorry to be so crass). He's playing you. Why is he scared to tell this woman about you otherwise? Because he probably is still screwing her or gave her hopes of getting back.

Not only does he sound co-dependent and unable and afraid to be alone (I'm sure he's used those smooth lines about an amazing connection on other women, including the pregnant one), but it sounds like this guy loves drama and there will be plenty of it if you stick around as the other woman is going to get in your face and try to ply him to stay and he can't keep his zipper up and why should he, when you both want to sleep with him. You say you can handle drama and have done so, why do you keep becoming attracted to these troubled men? It's time to look within.

I feel bad that your son is going to be forced into this as well, it's one thing if you crave drama, but young kids should not be exposed to that. I honestly hope he hasn't been exposed to the "crazy exes" drama from your past as well, this can be very traumatic and confusing to a kid to witness, and to have different men entering his life, then leaving. In the future, date someone for a long time before introducing them to your kid, so your kid doesn't end up attached or confused. As to what I would do? I would distance myself from this man, before YOU end up pregnant yourself.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

I would put the relationship on hold until he gets a paternity test done.

You are already writing a future with this guy as evident by all your ‘what ifs’ in your post. You do not sound ready for any long term relationship.

The ‘once we meet....instant connection....never experienced with someone.....he felt same way.....’ is a red flag for me.

Move on.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

This HAS to be a joke. An application to the Jerry Springer show maybe?
If it happens to be real I feel sorry for your desperation and lack of self esteem. I mean COME ON, this is so embarassing...

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Erie on

This happened to me, I was that other woman who got pregnant and broke up with her boyfriend before I found out about the pregnancy. And you know what I did? I told him that it was my choice to keep the baby and he could either step up or walk away and stay away. I wasn't going to tie him to a decision I made all by myself, I wasn't trying to manipulate him into a relationship that went bad. THAT is how a real woman deals with her choices in life, she takes responsibility for them, regardless of how anyone else responds to her choices. (The fact that we eventually got married and had three more kids together is irrelevant, but my maturity at the age of 23 played a large part to it all working out well in the end).

The woman you reference may not even be pregnant with his child, how does he know it's his? Her say so isn't enough. She may have told him she was on BC and poked holes in the condoms, I've known women like this. She obviously manipulated the situation for an advantage. I do not think you need to break up with this guy, but I also think you need to slow things way down. The very fact that he can't be honest with her about your relationship is a huge red flag that there is even more drama to come, so be forewarned. But I don't think that dating a guy under these circumstances is necessarily a bad idea. He needs to be honest with her about you and get a paternity test, then let the chips fall where they may.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Anchorage on

Sounds to me like he would be a great friend, and maybe later after the baby has come, he has his co-parenting figured out, etc, if you are still clicking you can give dating a try. I would put on the breaks and let him figure out his stuff before adding a new relationship to the mix.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

Wow. Your scenario makes my head spin. I don't know why you would want the additional stress/unpredictability this situation brings. Why not simplify your life and take things at a more even stable pace? Just a thought...

2 moms found this helpful
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