A Child Who Steals and Lies

Does he display any other issues? Was he adopted?
I read a book called "Beyond Love, Consequences and Control" that talks about lying and stealing but these kids were adopted and suffered from Attachment Disorder. I never know if my son is telling the truth or not either. He has lost so many (privileges) and I feel like it doesn't get through to him.
Sorry I'm not any help.

I'm gonna have to go with your husband on this. This is very serious behavior, and it sounds like your son is developing a pattern. That requires a very serious intervention. I would strip every privelege, down to the sheets on his bed, hell, take his bedroom door off the hinges because privacy IS a privelege, until he can start modeling more responsible behavior.

Further, don't protect him from school consequences. No one will protect him from real-life consequences when he's an adult.

I think its time to get serious about a very serious problem.

Having said all of that, my heart goes out to you. I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. Prayers, thoughts and hugs to you.

I agree with Nikki - take it ALL away. Then with a week of no lying/stealing he could earn back 1 thing at a time. Make sure he knows that if he lies or steals then everything (not just one thing) will get taken again and he will have to start over.

Make sure he gets nothing special. Trip to Target - no treat/1.00 toy/nothing. No bedtime treat, no dessert, no sips of soda. Let him know these are special things that can only be had by kids that obey the rules.

Constant positive praise. Praise for sitting quietly, praise for a day at school with no bad reports, praise for using a nice tone of voice, praise for taking a bite of food ;) just make sure he knows that his good behavior is also recognized.

You may want to punish him but in reality you SHOULD NOT.Please take a look at this article - the original book is Nurture Shock by Po Bronson

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=1122...

Unfortunately while it may satisfy our adult concept of justice to punish - it just results in kids who are better liars. And this is true of children in cultures where our concept of 'severe' punishment would be laughed at - kids in cultures where lying and stealing are punished by amputation behave the same way.

Whoa,

It's too soon to worry about his future. You haven't said how old he is, but given that we're talking toys here, I would imagine very young.

1a. The ability to really understand the concept of lying and stealing develops at different ages for different kids. Sometimes lying is a sign of a very high IQ.

1b. Not being able to identify right from wrong after a certain age can be a sign of Aspergers, adhd...etc. Albeit mild forms of it. Again, age makes a difference.

2. Children don't behave poorly because it's just "in" them. Something is off here. And please don't think it's you. If kids came with a handbook and you weren't following that handbook, then fine, you could take the blame. But it's hard to parent, and asking questions is the right place to be.

3. Has it always been this way? Or has something changed or gotten worse? Even if he's been this way for a long time, does he have a cousin, friend etc that has this behavior. OR did something similar happen to him that went uncorrected and he wasn't able to vocalize it? He may be vocalizing an old wrong or hurt done to him.

My suggestions?

1. Talk to the school counselor. Right off the bat, have him evaluated and have the usual things eliminated-adhd, autism. Talk to a counselor, therapist, etc -- get some answers about what to expect developmentally. Is he ahead? Behind? etc.

2. Talk to him -- ask him if anyone ever did this to him and got away with it. Maybe he experienced a wrong and is acting it out.

3. Consider reading a book called "The Five Love Languages of Children" by Campbell. it's been amazingly helpful in figuring out first how to nourish your child's little well. Once you figure out how to nourish them, believe me, discipline becomes much easier.

Best.

How old is he?

It may also be that you should get a counselor involved. My stepson's friend who not only stole his cards but sold them and was caught did not learn - and he ended up in juvie and dropped out of school. Found out later he was diagnosed with ODD.

I would contact the school guidance office or pediatrician for recommendations on who can handle this and help you and DH learn how to direct your son on a better path. Right now he's been caught stealing from peers. What if he pockets merchandise? That's not going to be so easy. Most shoplifters can afford to pay for it, but get a thrill out of doing something illegal. Find out what's what here.

I do agree that severe consequences need to be delivered, but what that is depends on the kid. My SD could watch you pack up everything and shrug. But if you took away time with friends....My SS was motivated by money and video games. What motivates your son?

How old is he? I know for some kids (and even adults) stealing can be a compulsion, one that is very hard to control.
I'd ask to meet with the school counselor or psychologist as I think it sounds like you could use some professional help. It sounds like the cycle of punishment is not very effective and honestly I think you want to work on PREVENTION anyway, he needs to learn how to stop himself when he wants to take something, just like an abuser needs to learn how to stop before he lashes out. I'm sure the lying is just a defense mechanism, he lies because he doesn't want to admit what he did because he KNOWS it was wrong, and of course he doesn't want to get in trouble. I think a counselor would be very helpful in this situation.

Okay I am going to ask a strange question, is he ADHD? I had issues with stealing change from my dad as a child and lying about it. It is an issue but the nature of kids with ADHD makes it harder to deal with. At the time they are doing it they are unable to access the part of their mind that says bad idea! Imagine if all you had to rationalize right or wrong was what happened in the past hour. You would make some really bad decisions too.

What I did with my kids is making lying the worst offence on earth. By doing that telling the truth becomes the norm. So if they want money they are better off coming to me and saying I was about to steal a dollar out of your wallet to buy gum at the store. Okay, so you really feel you need that dollar how can you earn it?

I will tell you ADHD kids are tough nuts to crack. :)

Oh the other problem is you appear to not care that you are doing something wrong. They do care, it just looks like they don't.

I think your husband's suggestions re punishment fit the discretion. Let him give away some of his toys that he loves - so he can know what it feels like to lose something you like/care about.

Make him do community service - if he were a bit older and he was caught and before a juvenile judge, you bet they'd make him do community service. He needs to give back to the community he's stealing from.

I would also make him do extra chores around the house to pay restitution to his victims.

He will be doing all of this and more once he turns 14 and can be prosecuted.

He will care when he's losing toys and his own money. If not, you have a much more serious case on your hands than we mamma's can deal with and you should seek professional help.

I know how heartbreaking this must be for you. Don't blame yourself or take on any guilt over this. Your son is his own person and he's making these decisions. You are not responsible for them!

you don't say how old your child is - this is important info.
Sounds like you and your husband could use some professional help.
YOu both need to be on the same page, and you b oth need to get your child some help to deal with these behaviors. If the lying has been going on for a long time but the stealing just started, his behavior is escalating. The other suggestions to have him evaluated for ADD sounds good.
These behaviors are significant, and you could benefit from some support in handling them. Good for you for being concerned and for wanting to help your son the best way you know how.
Check your insurance, they can help you find a counselor who is experienced with these kinds of issues that you feel good about and comfortable with.
Good luck to you, sounds like a challenging situation!