9 Year Old with No or Very Few Friends

My 8 year old son is similar, he has ADHD, some bipolar tendancies and is gifted. He does have a lot of friends because he is so social-unlike me he talks to everyone. If you live near me we could set up a play date, he is very nice to everyone. Also, I would recommend inviting the whold class somewhere fun where the kids will want to come because of the location-like Chucky Cheese or Castles and Coasters. Make them RSVP. You will probably get about 5 kids to come that way and you will know ahead of time if there is no RSVP so as not to ruin the actual party. Otherwise plan a family party those are fun too!

Hi,
Does he have to have a Birthday party? Can you do something special like go to a movie or ice skating or something that won't amplify the fact that he doesn't have friends?
G. Hunjan

I went through the same phase when we moved here, from CA. My daughter will be 9 soon. What I did was to enroll her in a Gymnastics team and girlscouts. I love the GS because that's what they do get the kids involved and help get comfortable with themselves. If the budget allows why don't you try to enroll him in Boyscouts?

Hello. Your sons not the only one out there...reading your post is like a review of the story of my life with my oldest son. Omar is 12 and in 6th grade. We are in our second year of homeschooling him. There are numerous reasons, but mainly because I couldn't bear to see my son year after year being left out, picked on, teased, and having no self esteem. In school as the kids get older they get meaner and I felt I needed to rescue him. Omar is also a very bright kid. He is above his grade level in most subjects. He is slow at processing information, but give him time and he can accomplish anything. He not into sports and enjoys reading and board games and hot wheels. I also have a 9 year old son, a 2&1/2 year old daughter, and I am due with our fourth child in 8 days! I am 31 years old and have been married for 13 years. Feel free to respond...maybe our sons would really enjoy eachother.
S.

I think you have just told my story, except that I have a 8 1/2 year old daughter, but the rest is the same!! I have been trying to get involved with all her school stuff, and the only activity that she enjoys doing is swimming, I think it has something to do with it being kind of a one on one sport not so much a team really. The more time that I spend at her school the more parents I meet, then it makes finding a child with the same intersts as mine easier and we can set up play dates, with me there she seems to be more comfortable with the other child. I had the same fear about her birthday in July, so we took just a few "special" friends to build a bear. This way I new which girls to ask and knew that they would attend and not give my daughter any heartache. I try to remind it that in life it is more important to have a few very close friends then a bunch of so so friends. She is also a manic depressive so keeping up her self esteem is important, and it helps her to make new friends, outside of school as well as at school. We have just started attending a new church, and I hoping she can form some new friends there. Good luck and keep me posted if you find anything that helps, I can also use the suggestions. Thanks for letting me know that I am not the only parent with this problem.

Dear K.,

My heart goes out to you, as my daughter who is now 24 HAD ADHD, and was treated like an outcast when she was your sons age.

At 7 she was diagnosed adhd & oppositional defiant and put on Ritalin, and a year later some other kind of cocaine drug. I took her off of it when she was 11 BECAUSE I was told these drugs have nothing to do with behavioral issues!
A friend of mine whose grandson had ADHD was used as a test subject without drugs. The doctor used strong coffee in small amounts and it worked.

As for the kids being mean...Have you tried a Christian school? Or a Discovery school? Southeast Christian Church on Jordan Rd in Parker has a wonderful school, where one of things they teach is love and respect. I hope that you can reassure your boy that there are always going to be mean people in the world, but there are many who would love to be his friends..

Blessings to you at Christmastime,
C.

For my sons 5th birthday I invited about 12 kids and no one turned up. I was devastated, and ever since have been EXTREMELY wary about "parties" and "invites". Its always hard when one of your children has little to no social contacts, as a Mom it tears our hearts right out.
Try setting up playdates with someone with similar interests. Maybe it will extend to the schoolyard. And sports teams "off" school, city teams and community teams etc. Its such a hard thing to deal with, but remember kids are very resilient, I hope everything works out for him. :)

As you can tell you are not alone. I have been through the same problem, as have several of my friends and their kids. First you stress because they don't seem to have any friends, then you stress when they pick 'the wrong' friends. Who ever said being a mom was easy, must have been a man! :}
Hang in there, like I told my daughter, I didn't make any 'true' friends until I was in middle school. I'm sure your son is a great kid and will soon find friends who apprectiate him.

Hi K.,

You already got great replies, but I just wanted to say that it was the same for my brother when he was a kid. As his older sister, it was heart breaking to watch, and my friends would let him play with us (I was 6 years older). I just wanted to reply to let you know that it DID get better for him when he got older. I'm not sure when it became easier, but I think he had a nice group of good friends in high school for sure. Hugs.

S.

I would have him pick out a few kids he likes in class and invite them anyways, parents sometimes do the RSVPing and I don't know many kids that don't like parties. Then maybe if they see your son in his environment and not at school with the peer pressure it may help. Other choice is let him pick to have a special day all about him and his interests with just family.
Also, find support groups in your area where there are other parents in your same situation, maybe then make a connection with another boy his age with the same issues. Kids can be so very cruel, just constant reassurance from you that he is awesome will help him. Maybe even find a computer club, chess club or something that he is interested in at your local YMCA or community center that has classes he can join and maybe he can make friends that way. Don't make a big deal out of it though as he will pick up on you thinking it is important. Some of the most genius grown ups that are super successful were reclusive children. If it isn't bothering him, don't let it bother you.

I would have to agree with the mom's that responded already about getting him into something outside of school. From my own experience when my mom put me into Teakwondo back in the 9th grade it was a great place to make friends. Not only did I make friends but when I did have to quit because of reason's I still have those friends to this day. So try putting him into something like that and yes it will help with the ADHD cause I have ADD and that helped me out a lot.
*hugs* Things will start getting better for you and your family.

I was always told growing up it isn't the quantity of friends it is the quality. Church youth Groups or sunday school classes are a great place for kids to meet other children outside of school. Activities like boyscouts or 4H are good too. Sports outside of school are good- Karate is especially great for children with adhd. The rec centers have classes too that are fun.

Instead of having a friend party - have a Family party. We started doing that a few years ago- we did all the big birthday parties - but my son didn't like the big parties and do to finances one year we had to cut the parties and just have a small family party. We went to a movie or whatever they chose. It became a new tradition for us as a family and we just keep doing it that way. Sometimes we have different parties throughout the year- like halloween or Christmas- a time for kids to get together and have fun.

Hope this helps.. Talk to your son and see what he would like to do for his birthday- toss out options... OR maybe just do a couple of friends and go to a movie and pizza.

Hope that helps!
Have a great December!

K.,

My heart goes out to you. This is truly the hardest part of being a mother. Maybe you could explain that it is not quantity but rather quality that counts in this world. He will find his good friends when the time is right. As for the party, prayer always seems to work for me, not only prayer but positive thinking. No matter what the outcome of the party is make the party extra fun/special for your son and family. Maybe have an extra special gift after all is said and done or go to a favorite restaurant. I guess the main thing is don't dwell on it. If your son sees that you are worried he might think he should be worried. Smile and let him know that family is number one and he is a huge part of the family.
You might ask him what his take is on this situation. Best of luck to you and your family! Keep up the good work! :)
Stefanie

I am 23. I was diagnozied(sp?) with ADD/ADHD when I was about 8. Maybe earlier. My parents sat me down and explained (and kept reminding me when ever I felt down)that everyone is made differently and IT IS NOT a disability. They just said that I may be different but if we were all the same we would be very boring. I can do anything that I set my mind to even though sometimes it might be a little harder or a little frustrating. If they can't see your little one for the special boy that he is than it's their problem. Not his and not yours. ADD can be very rough and I have been through a lot of teasing even to this day. Sometimes ADD can be very funny and loads of fun. You learn how to laugh at yourself and not really care about other peoples differences because everybody is different not just your son. We ADDers are extremly smart and we get ahead in life a little bit easier(I love my ADD)Just let him be him. He will learn differently and think differently then most people but thats what makes humans unique. I love to be on the computer because it has the stimulation that I cannot produce on my own.(It's a neuroboligical disorder)I have researched ADD because I don't like the thought of me being different on meds. So if you have any questions google ADD and there is a national site dedicated to the research of ADD and how it effects the people that have it. There are also tons of books and let him talk about his feelings because we learn by our feelings but it might be difficult at first for him to express how it makes him feel. You can private message me back and I will give you my e mail address if that is a help. I have an ADD dad and 1 of my brothers also have it. Hope that helps

Hi, K.. I'm new here, and new to CO as well. We have a 9-YO son as well, and he sounds SO similar to your son I had to respond. Not sure I have any answers for you -- to the contrary, I'm pretty sure I don't, as we have been stumped with pretty much the same issue/s as you.

From the time he was in kindergarten, his teachers would always tell us that they thought he had ADD and needed to see a doctor for some medication. (I have had previous experience with this with my non 18-YO son and refuse to go that route, especially because I don't see him as really having a problem that requires such.) Second grade was an exception, though, once his teacher got to know him and figured out his learning style. Everything went really well from that time on that year. He excelled and was also tested as being a 'gifted' child.

Last year was the worst, though. He started having other boys pick on him at school and he started fighting back. Not exactly what I'd hoped, but you really can't blame him. We had moved that summer, so he was with a whole different group of kids, but it just didn't go well that year. His teacher wasn't willing to help him whatsoever in the classroom, and repeatedly suggested he needed meds.

Anyway, this year is a different story. I wouldn't go so far as to say everything is all better or perfect by any means, but it is definitely a BIG improvement. We moved again this summer (we plan to stay here in Fort Collins, so that won't happen to the kids again -lol), and somehow at the last minute I decided to homeschool him and his younger sister (she's in second grade). I am a stay-at-home mom so figured there was no better use of my time right now than to give this a try. It definitely takes a big time commitment from me, but the benefits to our whole family have been so worth it.

There are pros and cons to this, obviously, but the pros have far outweighed the cons for us. Our son is no longer having his teacher tell him he needs medical help; he is no longer being picked on by other kids in class, the lunchroom, or on the playground; he is no longer being made to feel weird because he's not into sports. He is also making new friends with other homeschoolers (even those who have similar interests...and a commonality in not being sports-minded). We also have more hours in our day to do extra-curricular activities (which before was a problem because of the late hour school was let out, and then having to do homework after that). My kids are now being exposed to more opportunities than I ever dreamed of. And best of all, he's not made to feel like an outcast anymore. He's enjoying life for the first time in a very long time and his attitude is so much better all the way around. We do still have times when he's not paying attention to his work so school can take longer than it should, but when there's an activity planned, you can bet he finds a way to get his work done on time. lol

All I can say is you have to let your son be himself (even if it means he doesn't like sports and is more of the intellectual type, like mine is). The world needs all types of people. Unfortunately, kids can be and are cruel to those they perceive as 'different.' And if the teacher isn't going to be any help, you're going to have to step in and do what you think is best for him. If you don't, no one else will. (What about getting a part-time job as a duty aide on the school's playground at lunchtime? Maybe that might help the other kids be nicer to him?? I don't know. I know you won't always be able to be his 'guardian angel' like that, but maybe at least until he gets into high school...unless he'd die of embarrassment having his mom on campus. lol)

Well, sorry I don't have any real answers for you. I just thought I'd give you a little insight into our story and hopefully encourage you in that you're not alone in this.

Blessings,
C.

I'm sorry to hear that about your son... my sister was gifted and she had trouble making friends too. in middle school they would bus her to the high school for math, and when she would get back, no one wanted to be around her. and the "friends" she did have, would tell her they would be right back and then hide from her for the rest of the lunch period. Kids can be just plane mean! Her teacher told my mother that she needed to buy my sister more in style and name brand clothes so she wouldn't look so weird, but my sister didn't want that... it just wasn't her. but, when she got to High school, she became sort of popular with the geeks! :) I know it's hard. My sister spent a lot of time when she was home in tears. But in the end, it was the other kids problem and there was nothing wrong with her. There is no reason to change your son when he's wonderful the way he is. If the other kids can't see that, it's their loss!

If he's really into computers maybe you should see if there is a computer club in town. If there is, you could see about getting him in that, that way, he can be around people who are into the same stuff he is. Besides, the club will probably be full of kids with the same problem he has when it comes to friends and they will need him as much as he needs them.
As for the birthday party, I suggest having a combination family/ friends party. Then, even if no kids show up, the party can still happen. most of my sisters Birthdays she had maybe 1 or two kids show up but it was still fun.

Another idea is to go to an amusement park, or have a day out at the movies with pizza and ice cream, the whole 9 yards... you know, sort of pricey stuff, and tell him he can only have one friend come. That way, he still has his party, but you don't have to worry about lots of kids not showing up, and kids are more likely to go when they are the only one invited... plus, it will give him some one on one time with the kid he does pick, and it will give that kid a chance to see how great your son really is!

good luck and hang in there. just keep letting your son know he's wonderful just the way he is!

So hard... I'm going through a similar experience with an 8 yr old girl. She is frequently disregarded on the playground. Just wanted you to know your son is not the only one. I too am getting the same response from the teacher/principal.

I have a 19 year old with ADD and a 16 year old with ADHD. The 16 year old was diagnosed with ADHD in kindergarten. We took the child to a neurologist and had extensive scans and waves done. We also ran blood tests to rule out another organic or chemical inbalance. She has been on medication under the care of an ADHD specialist, along with behavior modification techniques. She is an honor student, athelete, club joiner, and has many friends. I understand your emotional pain, as when she was in preschool and elementary school the parents of other students thought she was "too much of a handful" to have over for parties, sleepovers, etc. Our daughter has always been told that her ADHD is NOT a disability, but a gift. She is very kind hearted and alturistic. Without the care of a qualified physician and the ability to monitor and adjust her medication, I fear what would have become of her. Her friends accept her the way she is, loving, creative, free spirited,and an endless bundle of energy. They accept that she takes medication, and some even remind her to take it. She had to accept herself, before others could accept her. I strongly urge you to seek out a professional who can guide you through this process, and also to read legitimate books and research on raising children with ADHD. Love your child for who he is, work with him to learn through behavior modification the social rules, work closely with the teachers, and seek the assistance of a qualified health care professional.

I don't know if this would help your son or not, but my son in 5th grade sounds simular to yours. We have our son in lots of sports... the best seems to be pop warner football... this helps him fit in with other boys and also gets out a lot of energy. His behavior is so much better during during football season! (It also is a very dislined sport) What school do your kids go to? I also am a stay at home of 4 kids.

My son is ADD and he was having the same problems. I moved him to a small charter school with only 155 students and multiage classes. What a difference! He has made some great friends and really feels a part of things now. Public school was a very discouraging, lonely place for him.

Good luck.
J.
www.livetotalwellness.com/janislanz

have you thought about being a soccer mom? or youth football mom, or basket ball league mom? htis is great way for kids to meet kids and participate. my husband and i started pop warner football when my son was 9. it is now called youth football or soemthing like that but the rules say everybody on the team has to play so many minutes of each game so there is no picking or choosing. i dont exactly know how scoccoer is but im sure it is the same way. or join the YMCA . my sister used to be director of the one i queen creek and they have so much stuff for the kids to do and ist pretty inexpensive. my youngest son volunteered in the summers and they had swimming and all kinds of activities. that may be a start. you cant force kids to play with him or be friends , it will make things worse for him but maybe if you encourage him to get involved he will find better friends away from school. for his birthday maybe you can make a snack and take it to school to share with his classmates. for a birthday party try taking him to a museum or science factory. something he will enjoy by himself or with a few kids.

I have a very similar story. I'll share my story with you and hopefully it will help. What is your email and I'll send it to you. Hang in there - help is on the way!

Hi K.. I am sorry about this situation. As mothers we only want our children to be happy. I would suggest you find friends just like your son. Get him involved in activities related to the computor or chess tournaments. He may like student council. I have a 9 yr old girl. She is a social butterfly. We were new to this community last year. I just told her to be herself. You want friends who like you for you. Children need to have confidence in themselves for who they are. He needs to be were he will fit. I believe their are a lot of children just like your son looking for friends. You can check with your school and city for ideas in you area. Good luck.

I so understand your concern! I had a son with ADD type problems. His older brother was the social bug, and he always only had just a few friends. They are grown now. (my baby is 10). What I learned is that it doesn't matter that he doesn't have a ton of friends. What does matter is that he has a couple closer friends. And, you want to guide him to friends you know you can trust rather than ones he may gravitate to as he tries to fit in. I would suggest beginning to allow him to invite a friend or two at a time over for play dates. Keep doing this until you find someone or two that "click" for him. Remember, it isn't about finding the "coolest" kid to be friends with. It is finding someone he likes, has similar interests with, with values similar to your own and parents you can trust. All it takes is for one kid at school to connect with him and others will start to back off of teasing him, or even begin to like him too. You just never know. Having at least one close friend will help him learn the social skills that he needs that will help other kids find him more "acceptable" as a playmate as well. I would be very aware of how he interacts on those playdates and offer parently advice when the children are gone to help him understand how what he does affects the way others perceive him and their desire to play with him. Using lots of "how would you feel if..." type questions will help him identify with the other kids perceptions and feelings. Follow up with questions asking what's another way he could have done that? It will take time, patience, and persistence, yet it will be so worth it. Make the process fun for him, like you are going on an adventure to find good friends. Now is a great age to do it.
As for his birthday, rather than a big party, maybe invite one or two closer friends (or wanna be closer friends) to do something extra special than a traditional party? Make sure to get RSVPs in advance from their parents so there are no surprises on the big day. The truth is, most kids this age are excited to go to a party no matter who is giving it.
Good luck and I hope this helps!
L. B.
(Simply Life Coaching ...see my business listing)

K.,
I feel for your son. My daughter was an outcast and has never gotten over it. Kids are so mean sometimes.

Invite another outcast to the party. It will make their day that you invited them and will help your son make a friend. One kid who wants to be there is better than a room full of nasty kids who will not realize what a great kid your son is until he owns a big company and they are nothing but mean.
C. B

Have you ever thought about homeschooling? Seems like he is a perfect candidate for that. Although I am not a homeschooler, I know some people that do it and are happy with it. There are many opportunities for socialization with other homeschoolers, and maybe he would make friends more easily in smaller groups. If you read up on homeschooling, I think you will find anyone, regardless of background, education or number of children, can do it if they really want to.

Ask the social worker at your son's school for some advice. She might have a social group your son could join.
As for the birthday, why not keep it small. Ask your son to choose one or two friends to do something really special. Follow up with the parents to be sure the kids he chooses can make it.

I don't really have any advice for you, but there is a website you can check out http://www.denveroptions.org
I had someone come to my house to do physical and speech therapy for my daughter. They might have some services that will help your son find some friends.