9 Year Old Daughter Is an Angel for Everyone, but Just Rotten for Mom

I think part of it is the age. They are preadolesent. Some 9 year olds are starting to develop, their bodies are changing as well as hormones. At least that seems to be the case with my 9 year old and her cousin. Same deal both sweet girls, and do well in other situations but at home can snap if you look at them sideways. Hopefully it is just a stage. I'm trying to give my daughter extra praise and love but still try to follow through with discipline as needed. If you haven't talked to her about why she is starting to have mood swings etc. I know you didn't mention body changes but I just introduced my daughter to the American Girl book The Care and Keeping of you. I also noticed they have several books on emotions etc that I will probably be looking into.

Good luck

Hi S.-

I know what you're talking about. Kids tend to be great for others, but when Mom is there it all goes away. Here is a word of comfort for you, they do that because they feel they can let go, because you'll always love them. Acting out is how they "relax". Fun huh?

Obviously, this isn't great though, so let's fix it.

First, consistency, and when I coach parents with similar issues, I strongly suggest making household rules & consequences. The first few are based on safety & respect and will not change and are not negotiable. Then you and your daughter make rules together, these are negotiable and will change over time. Creating consequences at this time helps, because you do not need to come up with something on the fly.

Second, let me give you a phrase I learned from the Love & Logic series of books. "You're draining my energy". When you have to fight with your daugher, it drains your energy, so you do not have energy to make cookies with her or take her to her friend's house. She must do ____ to restore your energy.

"When you fight with me about the dishes, you drain my energy, and I cannot take you to Sue's house. If you finish the dishes right now without a fight, I'll recharge my battery."

It sounds silly, but I bet you do feel drained.

I hope this helps. You may also want to visit the Love & Logic website, they have a lot of great free flyers/info about parenting at different ages.

R. Magby

I have a daughter who will be 9 this month and although she's not a temper tantrum type of child, I'm noticing her behavior getting much harder to handle and she's going through a very jealous stage with her lil brothers who are 4 and 2. My husband and I put together this really nice, well planned age appropriate chore chart for her this past Sunday that will reward her at the end of each week with a prize or money, her choice. I thought that was a great idea, we never got "rewarded" for chores growing up, we just did them, and she still complains!
"why doesn't christopher have to do this much" " why am I always having to clean" and so on.........SO I told her she can stick to the chore charts w/out getting any prize or money and that changed her tone real quick!
She makes everything worse than it really is, there's no more than an hour of chores for her to do on the chart and they're very basic but she acts like it's the hardest thing in the world!
And she can't seem to understand that brother is almost 5 years younger and isn't going to be required to do what she does. I don't think we've spoiled her too much, I was over spoiled as a kid and grew up very disrespectful towards my Mother, not my Father and I will make sure my kids don't turn out that way.
Your daughter is testing her boundaries, pushing your buttons and seeing what she can get away with. I'd get it under control real quick before it goes to far and you're dealing with a teenager with these same issues. I am one of 4 girls and I know NOW what we put our Mom through growing up, it wasn't pretty. : ) and it was mostly because "we knew we could get away with it!"
My dad was a dfferent story, he didn't tolerate any back talking and we always just knew to behave with him so it was possible for us to be good growing up just like it is with your daughter.
Don't ever give up...ever ever ever, she is going through a phase but it needs to get under control and step up the discipline. Stick to groundings and don't give in to her tantrums and make sure when you take her things away, to keep them away for at least 24-48 hours.

Good luck to you and I pray that everything works out the best for you and your daughter.

It sounds like you two have fallen into a pretty common pattern. Your daughter almost certainly craves more attention from you, and this is how she's settled on getting your undivided focus. As hard as this is to believe when she's acting "crazy" toward you, she probably loves and depends on you, and unconsciously trusts that she can let loose with her own unhappiness around you. But boy, it can be hard to take.

I'm a strong proponent of compassionate and empathetic parenting, because it gets super results with my 4yo grandson, as it did with his mommy when when I was raising her, and several other young families I know have happy and positive results with this approach. You can find out more about it in How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. If it's not already in your parenting library, I recommend it enthusiastically. If you have it, I hope you'll read it again and start incorporating the simple and sensible examples into your everyday conversations.

I think you'll be really glad when you try this approach, because it will not only help you deal effectively with negativity, but your overall communication will improve – so terribly important as your daughter approaches puberty. This book teaches you how to listen to your daughter's issues in a way that will help HER identify her issues, and give her an opportunity to come up with her own appropriate solutions (yes, kids can do this!). And it's not an excessively lenient approach – you can also learn how to present your own needs and limits in a way your daughter can hear better.

Sounds like you really need to just stop the screaming and start taking away, i.e. TV, phone, toys, whatever she truly likes. She can yell at you all she wants and carry on but if you keep your cool and just stop privileges (no discussion, no argument) you might find she starts to come around. My neighbor even went so far as to take their daughter's door off her room and removed everything except her bed and desk for homework. They slowly put things back as she showed respectful behavior. It worked!

Just remember, your daughter is coming upon the preteen thing so this craziness is just the beginning which is why you have to get a handle on it. As much as you punish for poor behavior be sure to follow through with good also.

This is a phase but it is a long one so hang in there. Just remember, you are the parent, don't let your little girl take over.

Good luck!

You know, it might just be the weather! I was just commiserating with 2 other moms and we all have daughters around age 9 and they've just been HORRIBLE lately! They don't listen, they just do what they want, they sass, argue and throw fits. Today I was at my wit's end too!

You know what I did today and it worked? I told her that I was sick of the way she was acting, and that she was probably sick of the way I was acting too. So we were both going to go into our rooms and do WHATEVER we wanted for 20 minutes. We were BOTH going to forgive and forget everything bad that happened that morning in that 20 minutes.

She went in her room and played Barbies and I settled down with a book. I set the timer for 20 minutes. After that we both came out, she hugged me and I hugged her and then we were fine.

Sometimes I think both moms and daughters need Time Outs from each other. And we both need permission to forgive and forget. And sometimes we just need to do whatever we want for a little while!!

I can't say it's a permanent solution, but it certainly made today a little better!

I have similar issues. Well behaved at friends house and in school, but at home......

I think that part of it is hormones. I also think that it can be very difficult for kids to be really good all day at school and put up with so much that when they get home they need to release.

Unfortunately, I don't have much advice. I try not to yell or raise my voice, which can be very difficult at times. I also try to choose my battles and realize that sometimes they just need some space or a chance to vent.

Know that you're not alone. Good luck.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice .. But I want you to know you're not alone. I'm a single mom as well, my daughter is almost 8 and I swear she is always sassing me!!

S., have you ever watched Worlds Strictest Parents on CWT network? It is a program about how these 2 teenage brats are sent to live with a couple and their kids to learn respect and to mind and do what they are asked to do. I say that because it will get worse as time goes on. It might be time for counseling for the two of you. There is a book called Back in Control by Gregory Bodenhamer that sells for about 10-12.00. You have to remain very calm, cool and collected while she is screaming and having a fit, but if you can do it, things should change rapidly.

Good Luck to you. Action by you now, will save you years of anguish and hurt.

M. in boise ID