Ah yes a perfectionist.
I also never had to push our daughter, she did that on her own.
There were times she did not succeed as she had hoped, but she continued to work on the things she loved.
Our daughter realized her average work was considered excellent for other people.
I finally had one of her favorite teachers speak with her about expectations, pacing herself and picking where to place her energies.
Our daughter worked out that if she started most of her homework from her morning classes at lunch, she was not so overwhelmed at night.
Your daughter needs to list her priorities in order. Then she needs to make a plan that can actually be accomplished.
She needs to remember her only job at this point in her life is her education, the rest is icing on the cake.
I would explain to her that her drive, and her tenacity is what is going to really help her in the long run.
She should be dancing for the pure joy. Not for the competitiveness.
It is good to have goals, but everyone else also has that goal , that is dancing for her.. The difference is that sometimes, some people are born with different natural abilities, talents, while others have to work at it and may never be able to do some of the things others can naturally can do.
It all boils down to admitting to ourselves, IF we are doing our best, we need to be proud of that.
When our daughter did not get first place, the highest score, did not reach the goal SHE had set for herself (remember we never pushed) but she still did not reach her personal goal, I would ask her.
Did you work hard?
Did you do your best?
Is there anything you would change or could have changed?
If she answered no, then I told her , "good job, no regrets!"
If she said,
"I wish I had...."
"I did not do ... . "
"I should have..."
Then I would tell her, I" am glad you figured out what you need to do next time..." "Lets try to remember. let me know if you need help with that."
Our daughter has continued to be an extremely high achiever, she is her own harshest judge and critic. To everyone else she looks so together, so successful, but to herself she can be very insecure.. and a bit hard headed when she does not reach or meet her own goals.. or not reach them in her timely way.
I suggest you ask her, "What do you need from me? "
"How can I help you reach your goals?"
"How can you get all of this done and still be healthy and happy, but also meet your school responsibilities, without all of this stress and drama?"
Allow her to make the plan. If it works great, if it needs to be revisited, go through this again and have her revise her goals.
Hang in there mom, keep the communication open. She knows what she needs, but you can give her your ideas and what you are considering so she can also hear your concerns and what you are thinking she needs to do.