8Th Grade Struggles - #Doingitwrong

Updated on January 17, 2014
T.V. asks from Milwaukee, WI
10 answers

DD is in 8th grade and has been having a rough few years of middle school. She doesn’t have many good friends, and seems to be coming up short in a lot of her extracurricular interests. She’s been scoring progressively worse in her competitive dance, which she loves and really works hard at, and just found out that she didn’t get a part in the school play after she felt pretty good about the audition. It’s been tough as a parent helping her rebound from all these “life lessons” this year. I hate to see her so sad.

On the plus side, she is an outstanding student, very focused on her homework and has a darn near 100% average in all her classes. However, she spends a LOT of time on her homework each night. She has a hard time embracing a ‘good enough’ mentality and wants to make sure her assignments are perfect. The other kids at school are not as interested in grades, which is probably more normal at this age, and so they view her as a ‘goody-goody’ and avoid pairing up with her on projects because they think she’ll take the project too seriously…which she usually does. This week, she had a paper due today, and has been staying up super late trying to get it done. Her evening homework time is limited by the amount of time she spends at dance practice, which averages about 4 hours a night including drive time 4 days a week. So when she gets home at 9:30 PM, it’s normal for her to stay up until 11:00 or 11:30 to finish homework. My husband said he saw DD’s light on when he got up at 2:45 AM this morning to go to the bathroom.

DH and I have suggested modifying/quitting dance, but it’s her ‘island of competence’ and has really been integrated into who she is. She’s been doing this since first grade, and is finally almost old enough to join the summer international touring group, which has been her goal since she began. I think she would be crushed if we pressured her to quit now or dial it down. When we bring it up as a possibility, she says ‘no way’. And unfortunately, we live in a smaller town, and there is really nothing similar here that she is interested in that would take dance’s place if she did quit. However, dance is a huge time sink, taking time away from schoolwork and friends. Additionally, she’s been sustaining small injuries since about this past spring after some teen body changes. Nothing too serious, but enough to see a chiropractor on a regular basis. She still has some minor pain that usually shows up midway through practice, which is worrisome to me.

I am proud of her hard work at school and at dance and glad that she wants to achieve. We’ve always encouraged her to work hard and pursue her dreams. But lately this hard work has come at a high cost and hasn’t resulted in the wins DD had hoped for. When my kids were small, I felt confident that I was supporting them in the best ways and matching up their abilities and interests with interesting opportunities. Now I feel like I’ve been doing it wrong! Help!

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So What Happened?

As always, thanks to everyone for the great advice and perspective. We actually had the opportunity to get away with just the two of us for a dance competition last weekend, and having that alone time with her away from home was really helpful. She opened up to me on the way down about not making the play and had a good cry. Turns out that the part she wanted went to the director's daughter...hmmm...coincidence?! And then we discussed dance and what she wanted to get out of it - to enjoy it. I could tell that she seemed more relaxed throughout the competition weekend and actually sought out her dance friends and relaxed and hung out with them instead of isolating herself and getting nervous about the competition and guess what? She placed 2nd overall, which was the icing on the cake! Hopefully this experience will help shift her perspective a little.

The school thing is going to have to be what it is for now. I think she will always take school seriously and pursue it relentlessly, regardless of how she perceives others view her. And I guess that is a good thing. Next year is high school, and the classes begin to differentiate more, and hopefully there will be more kids like her in the more challenging classes. Four more months of eighth grade...hopefully we can all hang in there!

More Answers

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M.O.

answers from New York on

Actually, honestly, I don't think you're doing it wrong. You're doing it right. And your daughter is too.

You've got a lovely, bright, very sweet-sounding young lady. And like many, perhaps all, wonderful kids, she is -- say it with me -- TOO GOOD FOR JUNIOR HIGH. I work in publishing, which means I get to have have contacts with scholars, authors, scientists, artists, all kinds of extraordinary people. The one common thread, in this community of artists and intellectuals? Abject misery in 7th and 8th grades.

Please don't take away your daughter's island of competence. Please don't question her work ethic. Please, please, please don't encourage her to stoop to the 8th grade norm, and stop being a goody goody. Goody goodies, with impressive work ethics, they're the ones who get into top colleges. They're the ones with the truly admirable, satisfying careers.

Your daughter is doing it RIGHT. She's just gotten to the stage where doing it right isn't easy anymore.

8 moms found this helpful

T.N.

answers from Albany on

Hi T.. I know exactly what you mean. I have one just like yours (well three actually but the other two are boys which is slightly different, and already away at college).

I could write a book, but mostly I just want to tell you, keep doing exactly what you're doing. You are doing all of it right.

For me it has been a wild and humbling trip raising these kids, who seem to be better than I am at everything right out of the gate. I must have been very good in another life.

In fact, I am still expecting a call from the hospital telling me there was a mistake, they aren't actually mine after all.

My daughter is the youngest, 17 in May, constantly thinking about how to be BETTER, how to find MORE things to know and do, all the while spreading sunshine wherever she goes (no sarcasm there, she's a joy). Cutting everyone she knows a lot of slack that she will not cut for herself.

I scratch my head and wonder how she does it.

Well, damn, I wasn't gonna write a book.

I just want you to know, she's gonna be ok, it's all good.

Just enjoy her, she's amazing!

:)

5 moms found this helpful

L.A.

answers from Austin on

Ah yes a perfectionist.

I also never had to push our daughter, she did that on her own.
There were times she did not succeed as she had hoped, but she continued to work on the things she loved.

Our daughter realized her average work was considered excellent for other people.

I finally had one of her favorite teachers speak with her about expectations, pacing herself and picking where to place her energies.

Our daughter worked out that if she started most of her homework from her morning classes at lunch, she was not so overwhelmed at night.

Your daughter needs to list her priorities in order. Then she needs to make a plan that can actually be accomplished.

She needs to remember her only job at this point in her life is her education, the rest is icing on the cake.

I would explain to her that her drive, and her tenacity is what is going to really help her in the long run.

She should be dancing for the pure joy. Not for the competitiveness.

It is good to have goals, but everyone else also has that goal , that is dancing for her.. The difference is that sometimes, some people are born with different natural abilities, talents, while others have to work at it and may never be able to do some of the things others can naturally can do.

It all boils down to admitting to ourselves, IF we are doing our best, we need to be proud of that.

When our daughter did not get first place, the highest score, did not reach the goal SHE had set for herself (remember we never pushed) but she still did not reach her personal goal, I would ask her.
Did you work hard?
Did you do your best?
Is there anything you would change or could have changed?

If she answered no, then I told her , "good job, no regrets!"

If she said,
"I wish I had...."
"I did not do ... . "
"I should have..."

Then I would tell her, I" am glad you figured out what you need to do next time..." "Lets try to remember. let me know if you need help with that."

Our daughter has continued to be an extremely high achiever, she is her own harshest judge and critic. To everyone else she looks so together, so successful, but to herself she can be very insecure.. and a bit hard headed when she does not reach or meet her own goals.. or not reach them in her timely way.

I suggest you ask her, "What do you need from me? "

"How can I help you reach your goals?"

"How can you get all of this done and still be healthy and happy, but also meet your school responsibilities, without all of this stress and drama?"

Allow her to make the plan. If it works great, if it needs to be revisited, go through this again and have her revise her goals.

Hang in there mom, keep the communication open. She knows what she needs, but you can give her your ideas and what you are considering so she can also hear your concerns and what you are thinking she needs to do.

5 moms found this helpful

A.G.

answers from Dallas on

You're doing a wonderful job!

She reminds me of many of my AP students in the junior and senior classes I teach. They are so driven! I tell them all the time that although having goals and being focused is important, they need to have some FUN sometimes.

Do you watch Modern Family? Your daughter sounds like Alex on the show. This weeks episode was about how stressed out Alex was. It was a great episode. You may want to watch it - with your daughter.

5 moms found this helpful
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L.R.

answers from Washington DC on

Oh, T., are you me?

Very similar things going on here, so know you are not alone and neither is your daughter.

Daughter is in seventh grade; dances extensively (ballet, not competitive); very grade-oriented; staying up too late these days to get homework done largely due to dance on weeknights. So I get where your family is.

Differences that help: Daughter is in an "advanced academics" program at her middle school, so most of the other students are also very academically engaged and want to work hard, so we don't have your issue of a child who gets treated as a "goody-goody" or gets left in the cold on group assignments. Nope, not every kid is super-driven in her classes, but on the whole there's a lot of value placed by these kids generally on academics. So: Any chance that next year and onward, your daughter can find some form of program within her school (at HS level it likely would mean advance placement classes, or international baccalaureate if that is available, or whatever the HS "gifted" program is there) where she is with peers who give a darn about learning like she does? That peer group DOES help, a lot. If that is not possible -- she is going to have to tough it out like she is now.

The homework time--I do feel for you and for her. We have late nights too and that is even with a kid who does work well in advance. Is your daughter doing homework/projects on weekends? Does dance eat all of Saturday and Sunday to the point where she ends up cramming homework onto weeknights? Weekend homework time is critical for my daughter to get things done, especially in advance. Maybe work with your girl - and her teachers! -- on longer-term planning and working farther ahead - for instance, if a teacher tends to assign certain things every other week (in our case, it would be history vocabulary, English vocab, certain writing assignments) see how early she can get those. I bet she is working ahead already, from what you describe, but maybe the teachers can be persuaded to put more assignments online earlier? Ours all use an online system and post things there.

The dance is tougher in a way. Your daughter's in competitive dance and I have to be frank that I'm no fan of making an art form competitive, but I do understand that there's a whole world of competitive dance out there. I know what you mean by having a kid who sees herself as a dancer first and foremost and has made it part of her self-definition, so the idea of ramping back is pure anathema to her as it would be to my kid. Is the "time sink" of dance something that can be altered in ANY way? I'm sure she's at a level where she must take certain classes for which there's only one single class each week at her studio (so she can't say "I'll just take that class on Saturday at 9 instead of Tuesday at 7," right?). For us it has meant getting better at getting away from the studio quickly so there's not hangout time (but more homework time) and trying to do at least some homework in the car. Not fun but it does help -- I knew high schoolers at her studio who did lots of their homework on the long drives to and from dance.

I am not sure what else to say -- we are living kind of parallel lives just now, you and I, your daughter and mine. Sorry you can't PM me via Mamapedia! But know that her dilemmas are not uncommon. The fact that the dance is competitive adds a dimension we don't have though all serious dancers do pressure themselves a lot once they're tweens and teens, I think.

2 moms found this helpful
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E.B.

answers from Beaumont on

First be easy on yourself. Seems like you've done a terrific job. When my son (8th grade also) turned 12 he wanted to quit Tae Kwon Do. He'd done it most of his life but he just wanted to try something new. It's been a huge positive for him, he's more social and more relaxed. Since then he's kept his grades up and overall become more well-rounded. Sounds like her identity is closely associated with dance??

Also, my son rarely does homework at home and he makes A's. She seems to be under a lot of pressure?

Maybe a Saturday afternoon with you, lunch and something she'd enjoy would allow you to get her to open up about her dreams. It all seems concerning to me as well. She needs to enjoy and relax!

I wish you guys the best. You'll get it figured out.

2 moms found this helpful

D.B.

answers from Boston on

This is such a normal age for kids to question themselves, and for parents to question themselves.

Your daughter has a heavy schedule of dance, but if she loves it and is good at it and is enriched by it, that's fine. I think starting homework at 9:30 PM is NOT a good plan for any child, let alone one who is so self-critical. If driving/dance takes up 4 hours, that's from 5:30 to 9:30. So what is she doing from 2:30 to 5:30? Is that all taken up with chiropractic appointments and play tryouts? Is there a study hall she can take advantage of?

It's extremely unhealthy for her to be sleep deprived. She's not focused, and her body isn't going to heal. She may well be driving herself too hard, and she's now injury prone. If she's in pain midway through practice, something's wrong with how you/she are treating this condition. She either needs a good supplement to help repair her muscle or joint (I can recommend something if I know more), or she needs some change in her chiropractic care, or she needs to take some time off.

It's good that she tried something different like trying out for the school play. She's working at higher levels, which means greater chances for success but also greater chances for disappointment and rejection. That's very hard for someone who has achieved all along.

She should probably have a meeting, with you, with her guidance counselor about expectations. No way she should be up at 2:45 AM, no way she should be so stressed about being perfect. This is NOT going to help her in high school, and it's going to finish her off in college. In fact, colleges worry a lot about kids who have never failed at anything - the straight A+ students adjust poorly to college-level competition! They work hard to get into "top" schools, where they then are thrown in with a few thousand more A+ students - somebody's GOT to get a B, you know?

Working hard is great, pursuing dreams is great - but not being able to accept yourself is a huge problem, particularly in the teen years. It doesn't matter that she doesn't have a ton of friends, as long as she has a few GOOD friends. If she's isolating herself by being too demanding or by not being able to be part of a project team, that's a big red flag. I'd get some outside help on this, either through the teaching team or guidance, if they are competent and helpful, or through outside counseling if you need to. It may be that the teachers tell her she's only allowed to spend X hours on a project or assignment. That's going to be hard for her, but better now than continuing down this path.

You're a supportive mom and I commend you. Sometimes in middle school we need to adjust our styles. "Work hard and achieve your dreams" works for younger kids, but your kid already has a work ethic, almost to a fault. So "be content with who you are" and "embrace your flaws with grace and humor" and "celebrate other people's success without seeing yourself as a failure" may be more what's needed now.

1 mom found this helpful

C.T.

answers from Santa Fe on

Hi there. I don't have too much advice except to say I was like your daughter at that age....and high school. I was considered a "goody-goody" or nerdy type in a school where being a jock and being in football or cheerleading was really important. The whole school revolved around it! (This was in TX). You know, she just has to find her own way. She hopefully will find other kids like herself. I kind of had a mish-mash of friends then. But then I went to a very academically challenging university and it was an AMAZING environment for me. ALL the kids were brainy and like me. Academics and working hard were the norm. I bonded with so many wonderful friends that I still have today. I also relaxed, gained confidence in myself and learned how to let loose. Your daughter is who she is and she sounds great! It's ok to not be the best at dance but if she loves it she should keep doing it. It's great exercise and something she loves. Is there a way she can do less...dial it back a bit? Keep talking to her about not being a perfectionist. I remember I would stay up till midnight doing art or schoolwork. Also, encourage her to do some brainy kid activities/camps/opportunities/internships in the summer.

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A.M.

answers from Washington DC on

I know this is a radical idea from a public school teacher, but...
consider homeschooling.

Seriously.

Use an online program that can be completed at the student's own pace.

Your daughter needs sleep to grow properly and heal the physical demands of dancing on an adolescent body.

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G.B.

answers from Oklahoma City on

I'm going to say let her dance as much as she will. It seems to be the one thing she is successful at. Even if her scores are lowering she still loves it. Maybe pay for some extra privates so she can get over this hurdle.

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