Hi,
My 8 year old daughter said to me this morning she did not want to wear her winter coat because she was afraid people would think she was fat. I looked at her and told her she want not fat and it was cold outside. Then I stopped and said, have your been called fat when wearing your coat (it is a regular winter "ski" coat). She told me yes. Now, last week while we were eating dinner she told my husband and myself that a girl came up to her and said something about her being fat. My daughter does not have a weight issue. She is 4' 3" and weighs about 65 lbs.
EDIT - Yes, she exercises. She is into dance, gymnastics, bike riding, roller skating. She even likes to have fun with me and follow my Zumba moves (ha ha). She is an active little girl. She is slender and not an ounce of extra weight or dimple except for her cheeks, on her body.
My question is does anyone have an alternative way to speak to her about her body weight and image? We have sat her down and discussed her body and healthy eating. My husband, other daughter and myself do not have a weight problem, so we do not talk about dieting, just healthy eating. We have all the American Girl books about growing up and girls bodies. I do not know much about eating disorders or how they start, but I want to catch it early if this is how it starts.
I know kids can be mean, but since she brought it up again, I believe it is really bothering her.
Thanks everyone!
Ugh. Very sad.
Not much advice except: O. very positive thing you CAN do is to point out differences in body types of different women. And the fact that strong healthy bodies are beautiful bodies.
My son is almost 8 and he has a good 20 lbs on his best friend. Neither is under OR over weight. They are just different.
Just tell her coats do make us all look fat, at least the thick winter ones and its because they have to be that way to keep us warm. The girl that said something to her obviously has weight issue problems. Tell your daughter that someones opinion doesnt always mean they are right about something. Show her some pictures of what fat really looks like and tell her to compare herself to that. AND that telling someone they are fat is just mean and rude on top of it! Everyone has a different body style, sort of like cars. Maybe use different style cars as fat cars and skinny cars but that they are all good cars and get you where you need to go. Some fat cars are very pretty and some skinny cars are very not so pretty. I think that would be a great analogy that she could maybe wrap her mind around. Mostly instill in her not to listen to other people when they are mean, it's only because they have problems inside themselves and they want other people to be mad or sad like they are.
OH -I hate reading about this still being a problem. It seems that the more we try to instill the idea that we need to help kids have a positive body image, the more little brats like this grow up with big brats as mothers who think anyone over a size 2 is "fat." OR they have the total a**hole type dads who can't go anywhere or watch anything on tv without commenting on every single woman's body they view. These folks sound like stereotypes, but I've sadly run across them on a number of occasions.
Anyway, for you daughter, print out the height/weight charts that show she's a perfectly normal and healthy weight. Tell her that unfortunately some people grow up in households where their parents are a little nuts when it comes to body image, and they teach their kids all the wrong things. Let her know if the girl says anything else to her, to just say, "No, I'm not fat and I'm not sure why you feel the need to say that to me, but if you have some issue then you should come up with something a little more intelligent to say." Coming from one 8 year old to another -I almost guarantee the other girl will be rendered silent. If it persists, you need to call that girl's mother and ask what the problem is and why her daughter would feel the need to say that to anyone -regardless of their weight, since it's just rude. Don't let it go on and on because unfortunately these things can "grow" in a class or school and it doesn't matter what the kid who is the brunt of it "is" or "isn't" -there can be a snowball effect.
Sit down with her and visit this site, plug in her info so she can see she's healthy and in no way overweight:
http://pediatrics.about.com/cs/growthcharts2/l/bl_ibw_cal...
Why don't you hand part of this over to an expert? Make an appointment for her with her doctor. This isn't the first such question your doctor has had. Let him/her explain to your girl about what being healthy is and how to think about weight. Doctors often have a way of doing that so that youngsters not only understand it but believe it! ("You're not fat" from a mama sometimes get a mental response of, "You're my mom and you have to say that.")
Your daughter's real problem, I suspect, is the girl/girls who call her fat. I wonder what they call other kids. You don't say that this other girl is a buddy, so I'm assuming that it's not a close friend. If I were your daughter's mama, I'd talk to her about why kids make the comments they do - and how they're usually not made out of love or friendship!
(I'd also take her with me next time I went shopping and point out ALL the ski coats - showing how they don't make anybody look good.)
She needs to know that this sort of people-trashing is nothing but a power game; if you say something to me to make me feel bad, and it does make me feel bad, then you have power over me and you feel more like a Somebody. It's a pathetic way to feel like a Somebody!
Your daughter does not have to take seriously any comment like that; in fact, if she could come up with some sort of standard reply (like, "Thank you for your information"), she might feel more equipped to handle such barbs and might even be able to help others handle the same sort of words.
She also needs to know that any teasing or bullying is something Mom and Dad need to hear about, because it means there's a problem. No, she's not the problem. It's something going on at the school.
It's too bad that eight-year-olds have to learn emotional defenses along with arithmetic and spelling, but that's the sort of planet we live in.
Try watching some older movies, where a heavier size was more popular and very attractive. You can compare these women to women today and talk about how bodies change throughout our lives and throughout society over time. It helps to just talk about it. Marilyn Monroe may be fat by today's standards, but when you look at her, she is clearly still beautiful, and 20 years from now, things may change again. So it is better to be frank about bodies changing, but who you are inside will be eternal. Good luck.
Have a chat with her pedi.
I don't know what I would say in a conversation that would help... Maybe ask her what she thinks is fat. Like by asking what she thinks of mom, dad, sis.
One thing I would talk about is how mean other kids can be and why they are like that. And that she only needs to be happy with herself (not to worry about what others think).
Unfortunately, in our society (today), body image seems to be everything. The days of the 'Pinup' girls, they were seen as curvy and beautiful... Not stick people. I'm more the curvy girl and my husband loves me for it. Sure, I've got some extra 'fluff', but I am happy with me.
Good luck! This is a tough one and a really touchy subject.
Have you considered talking to the school? Most schools have a counselor who talks to the students about social issues. This may be a lesson the counselor can address to the classrooms.
Additionally, I would find out the child that is calling your daughter fat. My daughter told me about kids at her school who were teasing her and it was addressed. The kids have not bothered her since. In fact, one of the kids was at a birthday party we attended recently and they all played together and got along fine.
I would have her stand in front of a mirror in her panties and maybe an undershirt, help her to look over her body and show her she is not fat.
You say you eat healthy but does she get exercise? She may need to tone up. What the other child saw as fat may just be flabby muscles. Get her involved in a sport so her muscles get a workout and she is more toned.
I am only guessing here. (not enough information) I know doing a 'real' workout with stregnth training is bad for kids. However running around a soccer field or swimming or even dance will tone her up and slim her down.
I wonder if the other little girl said it innocently? You know, how sometimes kids just say what they're thinking without stopping to consider how it sounds. It's hard to say since you don't know the little girl in question. But if that's the case, then it may be as simple as talking to the teacher about it, and having her keep an eye out for it so she can address it when it happens.
If it's not the case, then you have to feel for that girl. What is she being taught at home?
Not that either scenario excuses her behavior. It should be addressed, but that's no guarantee that anything will change. Probably the best thing you can do is build your daughter up. Sure, it'll be coming from mom and dad (or, is there a family friend your daughter looks up to that could help out, too?) but it will still mean something. Give her sample responses, both verbal and nonverbal, that can help her when confronted by negative people.
Something that might help, and could be fun for the two of you to do together, is an "I am" poem. I used to teach this to teenagers and they always liked it. Here's a google search: http://www.google.com/search?q=i+am+poems&ie=utf-8&am...
Good luck!
Unfortunately lots of research is starting to show that young girls are concerned about body image even earlier than 8. Things that contribute are media (television, movies, commercials), unrealistic toys (Barbie dolls, etc) and peer and parental expectations. I'm not really sure how many of these you can counter at her age - although this is certainly an issue parents can be involved with on a political, consumer and community level.
It's tough to be a girl today. The girls today will make fun of any weight, they'll make fun of a girl for being too skinny and there are girls that weigh next to nothing and still think they're not thin enough. My friend's daughter was going through this when she was in 5th grade. I'm not saying this is the case with you but my friend thought that they did not talk about dieting, etc in the house but I heard my friend talking about it ALLLLLLL the time. She just didn't realize she was doing it. My advice (which of course may not be right) would be to really lay off all talk of food - even talking about healthy eating because it's still putting too much emphasis on the topic. Just make sure you're offering healthy choices and let that be enough. We have a great pediatrician, who is female, that my daughter feels very comfortable talking to whenever she's in for her physical. That might be an option for your daughter. DO keep an eye on it so that it does not become a problem but really try to take the emphasis off the topic. Drawing TOO much attention to it could make it worse. Your daughter is young and it's hard for kids to solve their own problems at this age. If these are "friends" of hers that are saying this, then I would think about who the parents are and gently approaching them. Again, I would really try not to dwell on it and hope that it resolves itself.
