6 Year Old Son Is a Perfectionist and It's Causing Problems at School.

Oh this sounds familiar. My son is 8 and very much the same way. I home schooled him starting at the age of 3 and if he got things wrong he would fall apart. I assumed it was just because I was the one teaching him but when he went to kindergarten it got even worse. He would look at the other kids work and, even if his was better, would find some way that they did something better then he did. If he makes mistakes on his work he starts over from the beginning (he will not use an eraser because it "looks sloppy") I've met with social workers, chaplains, and guidance counselors to no avail. His teacher this year is fantastic and we've seen a considerable improvement in him because she doesn't praise the work. She is very big on praising the effort. She really stresses that and makes sure that we are also stressing it at home. Maybe this will work for your son. Instead of saying things like "wow you got all of these right" or "everyone makes mistakes" change your praise to "look how you used ___ to show ___, that was really clever" or "it was really creative the way you expressed ____" It may seem silly at first because we are all so programmed to worry about the grades but it's also been a real help. I can't say because I don't know your son but most times gifted children will put this kind of pressure on themselves and it isn't really lack of confidence. It's more an inability to express the emotions involved in learning new concepts and wanting to succeed. Try to reinforce what makes him special and unique and hopefully he will stop worrying so much and enjoy learning. Good luck.

My son was this way when he was little but chilled out a bit later. This isn't necessarily a bad trait, but there are things you can do to encourage him to be a more relaxed person. Here is a link:
http://www.amphi.com/~psych/perfect.html

Just surf the web and see what sounds right to you to get ideas. If it gets out of hand seek help, but I am betting he will grow out of it a little bit if you can help him to focus on certain things. This is probably his makeup though.......which could help or hinder him later depending on whether it gives him drives or makes him so afraid of failing that he won't even try......if you see signs of that then seeking help might be in order.

For example, we always tell our kids just to do their best. What in the world does that mean? If I did my "best" my house would be a lot cleaner and I would eat perfectly......etc. My house is clean......clean enough, and I eat pretty darn good, but I am not doing my best. If I had to always do my best I would be like your little boy to the extreme. I am trying to give you ideas on how to take the pressure off. Saying, "Do a job you will be happy with" Instead of ......."just do your best."

Hope this helps.

Does he have any particular interests, talents or hobbies that he is ESPECIALLY good at? Perhaps you could use that to your advantage in a discussion about abilities. Point out to him how great he is at ___ , which is wonderful. But 'Billy' (or mom or dad or whoever) doesn't do that as well as he does. And that's okay, because 'Billy' (or mom or dad or whoever) probably has something that they do much better than he does. No one is the best at everything. We all have strengths and all have things that we aren't as great at. We do our best at all of them, but our best isn't necessarily going to be perfect - and that's okay.

My biggest thing is this: "Mistakes are how we learn". If you build a plane that works the first time, how do you know what DOESN'T work? You don't. You can learn a lot more from mistakes (the wrong amount of baking powder in a recipe?) than you can from doing things correctly the first time. It doesn't mean that you TRY to make mistakes.. but when you do (and you will... it's how we learn to walk... by falling down) you look at it and figure out what can be done differently the next time. Then the NEXT TIME (not re-do this one) you try another approach.

Be sure that when he does something (a drawing, writes a story/letter, makes up his bed, puts his dishes in the dishwasher, etc) that you praise him for his efforts, and that you don't make a big deal out of any imperfections in his work. It is OH so hard not to always find one little thing that could be "adjusted" to make it "better" (at least for perfectionists like myself).. so if you see something, unless it HAS to be done better (who really cares if there is a big wrinkle in the middle of the blanket?), keep your mouth closed about it... and hurry him on to some other activity. If HE sees the imperfection.. you can tell him... "yes, but that's okay.. the room looks neat enough that you can go out and play now", and shoo him out to play. You have to set the example that it is okay for things to be "just" "okay" sometimes. With time and maturity he will learn what he needs to spend more time working on and what will suffice to be "just adequate".

Hopefully, you are already doing that, but that is my own little quirk that took me awhile to realize I was doing. I felt really bad when I figured out how I was belittling my son's accomplishments without meaning to. I was "helping" him learn how to do stuff properly in MY mind. It doesn't always have to be "just so"... encourage him by acknowledging what he HAS done, and then move on without commenting about anything that could be changed/adjusted/fixed. Even a messy art paper.... just ask him what he likes about it, and say how interesting his choices were and move on to something else.
I hope this helps.

I've been like this my whole life, and it can be really frustrating and cause people to really misunderstand you.

Have you spoken with your pediatrician about it? Both my husband and I believe we have OCD tendancies (but have never been diagnosed per se), and we've mentioned it to our pediatrician. He wants to keep an eye on both our kids should they start showing those signs (perfectionism is a sign of an anxiety disorder).

Sometimes, people with the desire to do everything perfectly really do struggle with self-esteem which can almost become a disability in adulthood.

I'd recommend speaking with the pediatrician to see what they think/recommend and perhaps look into counseling if it is a concern. My niece went through counseling (group) when she was about 8-9 to help with her ADHD and social anxiety issues. It helped dramatically and has made school much more enjoyable for her.

Good luck! Being a perfectionist can also be an amazing gift in the desire not to settle for mediocracy.

To add to the very practical suggestions you've already gotten, if those don't work, there is more help out there than you might realize. I didn't know how to help my daughter for a long time.

Sometimes perfectionism is a sign of anxiety. It's hard to believe a 6 year old could be anxious, but it is possible. It's also scary for the child, since they don't understand what's going on. Watch his breathing. Is he breathing faster? Is his heart racing? Put your hand on his chest or back to check. My 5 year old daughter did biofeedback to learn some breathing and muscle relaxation techniques and cranio sacral massage therapy to help the insomnia which is also related to the anxiety. She is a much happier kid now at age 9, and we all appreciate having tools we know how to use when she gets upset. If it is anxiety-based, you should also be seeing dis-proportionate responses to other situations. For example a temper tantrum or weeping when you change plans suddenly.

Good Luck,
S.

Hi K. - I could post the very same thing you did. I apologize if this turns into a novel. My son has always been a fast learner and most things came easily to him. He's in 2nd grade now and all that's changing because his teachers challenge him more and there are other kids who are a lot better at things he wants to be good at too. He can be very h*** o* himself when he makes mistakes and unfortunately very h*** o* others too. I have a very dear friend who used to pull out all of her eyelashes and eyebrows from the stress of having to be perfect all the time. She was able to learn to channel that desire and now she's earned a doctorate in psychology. (and she has eyebrows again) :)

Our kids have the drive and ability to do great things but it's up to us to help them channel their energies and teach them that great achievements are always born out of great failures and lots and lots and lots of practice.

We take a multi-prong approach with our little perfectionist. First off, perfectionism is a spiritual issue so we talk to our son alot about mercy, grace and forgiveness - towards others but also for himself.

We understand that our son will even be a perfectionist about not wanting to be a perfectionist, so we dont talk about it specifically. We use movies and interests to talk to him about people who have accomplished great things and he can see in for himself how success is accompanied by hard work and failure.

My son LOVES basketball so we use that as an opportunity to help him grasp the concept of practice and mistakes. Michael Jordan isnt a great basketball player because he never made a mistake. He had natural ability and worked hard to develop it. He missed 9000 shots and lost 26 games because they gave him the ball and he missed the winning shot. Yes, he keeps score but he doesnt look back and live in his mistakes, he looks forward and uses them as a way to learn and get better. He says to "just play, have fun, enjoy the game" and that if you hit a roadblock "to find a way to climb it, go through it, or work around it"

My daughter was very much a perfectionist when she was in pre-k and kindergarten amd then slightly in 1st gr. The teachers all told me that children do tend to be this way at such a young age. I do agree that they can pick this up from home. My husband tends to expect them to do things perfectly. I do want them to write legibly so their work can be read, but a little crooked is not a big issue for me and i make sure to enforce this with them. Cleaning things up should be done thoroughly but does everything really have to be lined up perfectly in a box? When my girls were little, they would get so upset if they did not finish a project the class was working on. They were given time at the end of the day to finish but if their friends were done, they would refuse to give their papers up or would cry and get so upset. It does take time to have them understand that it is okay--for some stuff. One thing I do agree with another poster, the kids do [pick up from home. If you or hour husband tend to get upset or cannot go out with out totally finishing something, then he will do the same. I would purposely say that we have to do such and such and we will finish this later. I think it did help a bit.

for me, that's like in sports, kids need to learn that sometimes someone else does better, sometimes you win and sometimes you lose.
if it were me i'd talk to him about everyone does their best, and sometimes you're on top, and sometimes you're not. he needs to learn and accept that, or it will get harder for him as years go by. healthy competitiveness is good, but not to the point it gets in a way of enjoying the day and school.

You've already recieved many good responses, but none that suggested his parents look into the way he's been raised and see if they have encouraged this imbalance. We parents can be so eager to instill 'goodness' in our children... that real life messiness becomes unacceptable.
How did he come to be so competitive at his young age?

I ask this... not so that the parents regret, but rather that they observe and assess their own attitudes and behaviors... and adjust those that may contribute to the boy's predicament.

Talking to him only does so much... children learn what they live. My suggestion would be to undertake some sort of volunteer position where he is around mentally and physically handicapped children... where he is in a position to step out of himself and help others less fortunate. Let them teach each other...

I agree with the others that said this is a learned behavior. My son tends to be like this and he totally gets it from me. I like things neat, organized and I get angry with myself if I make lots of mistakes. My son has seen this and modeled his behavior after me. I,also, believe he had these tendencies to begin with, too. I have just eased up on myself by saying things like "oh well, everyone makes mistakes" or "maybe I'll do it better next time." I,also, talk with my son, ongoing, about doing your best and what that means. If a B is your best , then I'm proud of you. I think it takes time and effort, but just keep working with him and look for teachable moments when you can point out that others don't always do things perfectly either. Good luck!

You've gotten a lot of advice and much of it is good. My middle daughter has been the same was since she was very little. She is almost 11. When she was your son's age, everything to her was black or white, right or wrong. And she has always had a very competitive nature -- both internally and with others. And while she still always works hard and is very competitive, she has let up on the need of total perfection. My oldest daughter has never been that way, and although my youngest is only 3, so far I don't see signs of that in her. So for those folks who say it is a learned behavior . . . well, I'm not so sure. Yes, I get mad at myself for not doing things right, etc. and all my kids have seen me display that frustration in myself. Yet why is it only my middle child who seems to have similar traits? So I truly believe it is just the way she is made (which happens to be how I am made!).

So my point is that it sounds like you and your husband are doing the right things but that it will take a little time and growth for your son to really grasp it.