6 Year Old Attitude - Carpentersville,IL

Not every decision is a battle that you need to control and win. Put a couple choices of outfits on the bed and let her choose which one she wants to wear. A fight over shoes? Please as long as they match and are on the correct feet then all is good. She's old enough to start having some input in things so start now letting her decide on small things. It'll make it easier as she gets older to make good decisions.

She just sounds like a strong person to me. I have a boy like that. I just learned to fight the fights that are worth fighting and that has worked out good for us. As long as you agreed to the clothes she wears, she should be able to pick what she wants. Get ready though, puberty will probably be tough with this one! :)

Mom, she's 6. Why can't she pick out her own clothes?
Why can't she brush her own hair?
Why can't she wear the same shoes?
These are not things to fight with your kid about. It is a hill not worth dying over!
Give her some freedom to make decisions in what she is wearing.
And if a child does not behave in public or do what I say then the child is plucked up (picked up) and moved to another area...be that the car or time out.
You are the parent. You don't get to be afraid of your child mom! She is a product of your parenting.
L.

I find it odd that you're afraid of your own child. And a small child at that. What is it about her behavior that frightens you? I find my children exasperating, annoying, unreasonable etc when they're being stubborn and willful but scary? No.

Why can't she choose what to wear to school? Give her reasable choices (meaning modest clothing and practical shoes that are appropriate for the season and good for playing in) and let her have at it. Same with her hair - keep it to a length that she can brush and style herself.

I guess without more info on how she reacts - other than being stubborn - I can't really give any more advice other than to say pick your battles, don't engage in power struggles over things that aren't important, and it's odd that you are afraid of your child. From what you wrote, it could likely be the case that she's being totally normal and you're anxious, neurotic and controlling. If there's more to the story, you may get more helpful answers but something is very off in your parent-child dynamic.

You have to pick your battles, and you have to let her have some control over the things that she SHOULD have control over.

First - why are you scared? Is there a reason to be scared. What you describe isn't scary... We need an example of the scary thing to help there.

Re. getting dressed for school - Clothing, unless it's for a special occasion, is not worth fighting over. WHY are you selecting what she wears? If she has to wear certain clothing for school that is different then weekend clothes, separate them so that she can pick ANYTHING from the school clothes and wear them.

WHY can she not wear her favorite shoes? WHY does it matter that she wore them every day? I wear the same shoes every day. They are HER shoes and HER feet.

As parents, we need to give our kids freedom and flexibility to learn how the world works, how to make good choices, etc. Let her make choices where there isn't a life-or-death, or adult reason that an adult has to make the decision. If you are controlling what she wears, etc., that's going overboard.

These are definitely not worth fighting over. Give her choices that you both are happy with.

NOTHING to be scared of here. Write us again if she starts throwing chairs at you or threatening to hurt you if she doesn't get her way!

It is okay, momma! ;-)

Give her more choices and pick your battles. Instead of telling her what to wear either let her pick anything out or you choose to outfits and let her choose which one. As to shoes, let her wear what she wants. This is a battle I would not choose to fight. Really, what does it matter that she's worn them everyday this week?

What is scary about her behavior? She sounds normal to me. She just needs to have more control over the things you mentioned.

As to not obeying in public. If you tell her to stand in line with you and she doesn't, then go to her and hold her hand while you bring her back to the line. If she fights you, take her out to the car to sit until she's able to say she'll stay with you. Is it that sort of thing?

At 6, I would get her input about what clothes to buy but the decision to actually buy it would be mine. She may like it in the store but find it's uncomfortable to wear. It's too much responsibility to expect her to wear something just because she chose it at the store.

She may just want to wear something different on this day and will wear your choice a different day. Again, give her choices everyday. Let her be in charge of as many things as possible. Short term choices. To choose to buy something last month and expect her to then wear it today because she chose it last month just isn't reasonable.

Also, try to think how she might feel in this situation. Would you wear what someone else chose for you everyday? You bought an outfit last month and would you wear it today because you chose it last month or would you wear what you felt like wearing today?

We give kids choices, based on their maturity, so that they will learn how to make choices. You chose her clothes for you when she was a toddler. A toddler doesn't know about the weather or the factors that go into making the choice. At 6, she needs to learn how to make the simple choice of what to wear so that she has practice making choices. The consequences of a poor choice in clothes is minor. Perhaps she'll be cold when she chooses to wear shorts and a t-shirt. She'll know better next time if you don't turn it into a battle.

By having consequences for her choices she will learn how to make better choices. Start with the choices that have minor but safe consequences so that she'll make good choices when she's older and the choices are more serious.

Please, listen to me - I had a mother that was very controlling - she picked out what I wore to school EVERY DAY, she fixed my hair because it was to be perfect, she ironed my clothes the night before if they needed it or not . . . and I remember walking into school crying so many times, because I could never pick out what I wanted to wear or my hair was so tight my head hurt, or I accidently got something dirty on the way to school, so that set her off. Sometimes it wasn't even the actual clothes, it was the freedom of making my own choice! I was AFRAID of HER, not the other way around!

Now, because of all that, I am still in therapy (obviously not just the clothes thing, it goes much deeper than that) but that was a severe negative memory for me of my childhood.

Now, my 3 girls have picked out their clothes since they were old enough to do so. They are always happy with how they look and I am happy as long as they are dressed and have their shoes on the right feet. And, often they ask my opinion of what they've chosen and I help them with their hair if they ask. It is a much calmer morning than the one I remember as a child. You don't want to "boot" your child out of the car upset, as Gramma G said. I always make it a point to make sure my kids and I are on good terms when they leave, and the "I love yous" are always said!

Good luck and let us know how it turns out . . .

First, "she is so good, outstanding at school and at friends' places."

So be very happy with that. If our kids do well with others -- at school, out in the world, around other adults and other kids -- then things are going well. When they get home, they tend to relax their behavior and that can mean more conflict than you see elsewhere.

Do not make this issue a conflict worth battling over. Yes, you let her help choose the clothes at purchase time, but let her start choosing clothes for daily wear now. If you cannot have time each day to go over it, then get a closet divider that has the days of the week on it (easily available online or at places like Bed, Bath and Beyond and other closet-supply stores) and work with her to pick out outfits for each day and put them in the right slot. Go online with her and figure out the week's weather predictions and make her feel responsible for knowing "Wednesday is likely to be rainy, so I should put long pants and not shorts in the Wednesday cubbyhole" and so on. Praise her a LOT for doing all this. Tell her she's a big girl and is doing a good job of deciding that the sandals are not right for a chilly, wet day but the sneakers are great. And so on. Do it over the summer to be ready for the school year.

If she goes out the door with hair that is not perfect, it is not a big issues.

You mention only in passing that "she does not listen to us when we ask her to do something in public" but you don't come back to that comment or give any examples. Is that also about clothes and what she wears in public? Or is it about something else? Hard to tell from the post, so update us if you can. If it's about your telling her to do something like recite a poem she learned at school, or tell someone about her latest test, etc., well, kids at this age can start feeling like they do not want to "perform on command" especially if they are being asked to show off things that we parents would love them to show off! Let it go if that's the case. But if that's not it, what's going on there?

And please don't be "worried and scared" over something as truly trivial as clothes and hair and her resistance on those issues. That is the very least of your battles. Choose more important things to dwell on. If her school behavior and effort is good, if she does her homework willingly and gets it done, if she is well-behaved overall except on dress/hair -- work with her to give her more control over those things because that's what's behind it all, and then focus on her "outstanding" behavior otherwise.

Love and Logic. Please read it. It's going to change your life.

It's time to let her make some choices. She can choose her clothes and shoes. Who cares if she wears her favorite shoes every day? Pick your battles, momma. This is not the hill you want to die on.

S.:

I'm confused. Why would you make this a battle? Really.

Have HER set her clothes out the night before. that's HER choice.

What is wrong with her wearing the same shoes every day? Do you think it says something bad about you? If so - sorry - it doesn't. So what if she wants to wear the same shoes every day?

She might be so stubborn because she feels she has no say in her life. You control everything. GIVE HER A CHOICE! Let her pick out her clothes.

They say "pick your battles" - you seem to have picked EVERYTHING as a battle. Lighten up. Let your daughter have choices and a say in her life.

At 6 years old, I would allow her to choose her own clothes, shoes, etc. It just isn't worth the fight.

As part of our bedtime routine I will have my kids pick out a shirt to wear the next day. I give them few guidelines other than short sleeve or long sleeve. They hang it on the knob of their dressers. My son (5 years old) will stop at that. My dayghter (3 1/2 years old) will pick out her underwear, shorts or skirt, shoes, and socks and have them all together. In the morning I wake them both and then they get dressed. I will sit my daughter down after they brush her teeth and ask her if she wants her hair down, ponies, or braids. She tells me, and I have her comb it, then I style it.

Is there a reason you select her clothes, didn't let her wear her favorite shoes? I just I just don't understand the need to have that be a battle.

I've learned not to fight my daughter too much on the clothes thing - I just make sure it appropriate for the weather and the occasion. I've had to put my foot down about her wearing her long-sleeved velour Christmas dress to a Memorial Day BBQ, and when she started to whine and complain about it, let her know she could just stay home if she wasn't going to listen - and I was prepared to back that up. Otherwise, if she wants to wear the same stuff again and again because she has her favorites, as annoying as it may be, it's her choice, not yours. Sometimes I have rotated items in and out of her closet just to encourage some variety, and kept the stuff that is not for the current season out of sight to make arguments less likely.

I don't see anything here to be scared and worried about - she's a strong-willed kid, just like my strong-willed kid, and she's testing your limits. Set some reasonable limits in place and discipline her appropriately when she crosses them. I posted on here recently about my daughter backsliding a bit in her behavior and I've gone back to using "1-2-3 Magic", to try to gain back some control and make it clear to her that things like arguing, talking back, whining, etc. don't work on me - they only end up sending her to her room. If she pulls a fit in a public place, she goes in time-out as soon as we get home - I have also revoked computer and TV time as consequences. If she can't be good about leaving someplace where she's been having fun (like the playground or a friend's house), she doesn't get to go back for a very long time.

"1-2-3 Magic" by Thomas Phelan has worked well for us - I would recommend checking it out and also realizing that some things you should be willing bend on (like the clothes), and some things you cannot (like not listening). "Love and Logic" is a good one too.

Why are you scared. Pick your battles. The night before let her pick out what SHE wants to wear. So she was wearing her favorite shoes every day, why battle over this. We all have our favorites right. She is. O different. She is growing up. Give her some choices when you can.

If she wants to dress like a sexy 21 year old. That is different. My granddaughter thinks she can leave the house with an off the shoulder shirt or a low cut tank top. Good God she is 10. I make her change. Her parents leave me I. Charge, she has to abide by my rules. Can't stand a 10 year old trying to be se y. As soon as her Mom leaves she pulls down the tanktop so that the V is lower. I have conversations with her about what kind of a person she would attract if she dresses Inappropriately as opposed to dressing appropriately. She will be respected if she dresses like a lady.

Let her pick out her clothes the night before. Then put it on her and pick her up and put her in the seat belt and drive her to school and boot her out. One or two times of this and you won't have to do it anymore. She needs to understand what you say is the final say. That she has to listen.

I had this issue with my granddaughter a couple of years ago. She was still wandering around in just her underwear when it was time to leave. I booted her out the front door in her underwear and she about went apoplectic. She frantically tried to get back in the house. I told her if that was what she wanted to wear to school then so what. It was time to go.

From that point forward she has, 90% of the time, been ready within 5 minutes of getting up. She never wants to go through that again so she gets ready.

BTW, we live on a dead end street with a lot of trees and shrubs in the front yard so there was absolutely no way anyone driving by or even walking could see her. No one even has windows that can see into our yard. She was safe from being seen by anyone.

Unless it's inappropriate in some way or they'll freeze/be super hot because they don't understand the weather that day, I have let my kids pick their clothes for the most part for quite a while. They're 7 and 8.5 now. I can tell certain clothes kind of upset them or others are a comfort etc. Why is it so impt to you what clothes she wears or which shoes if it's not a matter of PE day at school and she wants to wear sandles... It's worked well, knock wood, for us. My girls get up and get dressed easily almost every morning. Once in a while there's a fuss if they're tired I think and having trouble but usually it's smooth. I've read to let your kids have control over some things and I figure clothes, within reason, is a good spot. THey have to be in them all day, not me. This morning my oldest was wearing pants that are too small now and ironically when they fit 6 months ago, she went on a kick of not wearing them. Whatever. They're not horribly small and her school is kind in that I don't hear about any clothes teasing and now I'm getting my money out of the pants a bit. I do understand the frustration of spending $ on clothes and then they don't wear them but I"ve learned now to make sure I have very good buy in before we purchase or keep something. If I sense any hesitation or I have to talk them into something, forget it. They'll never really like and want to wear that piece of clothing. Pretty sure most 6 year olds go through this period of asserting their opinions. I'd let her so long as it's not breaking school rules etc.