5 Year Old Having Accidents at School

I hope this doesn't sound harsh but I will give you my thoughts. If you ignore her at home when she tells you she has to use the potty, maybe she thinks the teacher will too? And taking marbles away, to me, makes things worse. Maybe extra marbles or a different reward when she goes accident free at school. Maybe a trip to the playground, an extra bedtime story, a trip to McDonalds at the end of the week? When she came down from her room, she told you the solution was no more accidents because that's what you wanted to hear. I would talk to her pedritican and see what the doctor has to say. Maybe they can offer futher advice. Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear.

I think your heart is in the right place...but even I am confused. She only gets a marble at home if she doesn't ask you to use the potty...but at school she actually has to ask/tell somebody when she has to go. Maybe you should turn it around and encourage her to ask you...so that you model the same behavior at school...just a thought.

H. Z. (SAHM 5, 4 and 15 month old boys)

Talk to the teacher!!!!
Find out if she thinks the bathroom is scary or if they have to go down a hall by them selves, or if other kids do watch. Also, many kids are just too busy and don't want to miss anything. Ask the teacher to prompt her a few times a day.... usually transition times work best (ie before or after recess, or after lunch, or before music etc)
If you feel the need to try to reinforce it, try to use incentives rather than punishment if possible. Maybe an extra book or treat on the days she is dry. Or a star chart and when she gets five stars (dry days) she can get a treat or play date or something special with you. Remember to tell her it's her choice how quickly she gets the prize and on an accident day, don't make a big deal about it, do say, "oh I see you chose not to get a star today, hopefully tomorrow will be different."
I know this is frustrating for you, but getting hooked in isn't helping any of you.
Good luck.

I am so sorry for you and your child.... This is no fun. Poor baby! Since this is a long standing problem (happened last year,too), have you spoken to your daughter's pediatrician? I think you have to rule out the physical first and then deal with any emotional stuff.... Her pediatrician should have some ideas. Good luck.

Hi N.,

Don't take this as a reflection of your parenting because it really isn't. It's obvious that you care and that you're trying your best. However, I can certaintly understand your frustration.

My recommendations would be similar to that of the other moms (and an extension to what you're already doing). First, change the rule at home about telling you that she's going to the bathroom (although I understand why you're currently doing that because I'm going through that with my son). You may even want to explain that your changing it so that she can practice what it's like at school. Once she stops having problems at school, you can go back to the reward system you currently have where she gets the marble if she doesn't tell you.

Your idea about coming up with a code that she can use with the teacher is a good one. However, since that hasn't completely done the trick, I would ask the teacher if she would periodically and discreetly (or using the code) ask your daughter to go use the bathroom preemptively (like maybe every two hours). Basically like all of us moms had to do when first potty training our little ones.

Eventually your daughter will get used to going to the bathroom on her own in a strange place. Your teacher will find that she probably doesn't need to keep asking her. Perhaps the teacher can work out a reward system of her own to encourage your daughter to ask. Right now, she's so used to having an accident that it's probably not traumatic for her. However, once she stops having the accidents, she probably won't revert back.

And by the way, I think your reaction of getting angry with her is normal. If she doesn't think it bothers anyone, then why would she stop doing it? You're making sure to regularly use positive reenforcement and I think it's healthy to every now and then balance it out with a little negative too. So don't beat yourself up - it has to get better some time, right?

N., i could feel your frustration...ugh. how about asking your pediatrician for some advice? i bet you've done that already though. good luck.

Hi N.: Sounds like you are really frustrated and I wonder if it would help for you to get some advice from your child's pediatrician or a child psychologist. I think it probably does more harm than good to punish your daughter. Toileting issues are complicated and guilt trips, punishments, etc rarely pay off in a positive way. Clearly your daughter is struggling, so patience and proactive strategies is what she needs. Not trying to come down on you, I realize this must be really hard for you to deal with. I think though that you need to enlist the help of adult professionals so that you can better understand how to help your daughter.

My 6 yo had accidents at kindergarten last year for the first 3 months or so. I'm not sure what he was thinking, but I think he got too engrossed in what he was doing to stop to use the bathroom. We went through the same frustrations and I know I showed the same disappointment when I would hear he had an accident. I finally tried to focus on him being proactive changing his clothes after the accident (he had been trying to hide them). Eventually he grew out of it. I have no magic solution for you, but I share your experience and know that in time she'll work this out.

I agree with a previous post. Definitely acknowledge the fact that she's telling you she needs to go to the bathroom at home. Keep it simple and just say "OK" & let her go on her way.
She does need to let the teacher know at school if she's not using the bathroom at break time for privacy issues. A secret code between her and the teacher should work too. Maybe hold up 1 finger? and teacher would just nod for her to leave the room.
Reward her at home with a marble or two for not having accidents at school for the whole day and give her a small token (pencil or sticker) at the end of the week..And when her jar is full she gets lunch out with mommy?
hope this helped
ps Is her marble jar small?? Baby food jar worked for us

What kind of reward system do they have at school? do they give stickers? Do they have regular bathroom breaks so that all the kids have a chance to go even if they don't want to admit that they have to go. I also noticed that you said you reward her for not telling you at home and ignore her when she does tell you. Perhaps you should reward her for telling you and praise her and let the teacher know that she is working on telling someone when she has to go and that hopefully between you and the teacher you can work out a reward system. That way she is more comfortable telling the teacher she has to go. Perhaps the teacher can give her a reward at school for going in the potty and not having an accident after 1 day something small, three days a little bigger, and after a week something special from you. Just ideas that I hope will help, even though you probably have exhausted all of them. ;)