4.5 Year Old Ruining Dinner

I wouldn't change her dinner time or not set a place for her. That's kinda rewarding her and she will likely just keep up the unwatned behavior.

I tell my almost 3 year old and almost 5 year old that they do not have to eat what I cooked, but they do have to sit down with me and stay at the table. I don't argue with them, don't even hardly respond if they say they don't like it, don't want to eat anymore, etc. The only rule I have is that they get nothing else to eat that night if they do not eat enough dinner. (I don't make them clean their plate, just make an attempt to eat some of everything).

I used to argue and fight and lose my temper sometimes and all that. Finally I learned just to state the facts and leave it at that. Dinnertime has become more relaxed for me and they don't argue with me nearly as much as before. Now, if I could just get them to sit still!! lol

My 3.5 year old was the exact same way. What i started doing is when i saw he wasn't going to eat i put him in his bed for dinner. He was to stay in his bed, no toys. When dinner was over we get him up. I make a plate for him and if he says he is hungry later thats what he would get, nothing else. When everyone else was eating something he wants like ice cream or even fruit he can't have it untill he eats his dinner. Don't feel to bad about the spanking, we have tried that also, it didn't work for us either.

It's hard to be a kid and have no say. But - Stop the power struggle. Just set the table as usual. Let her sit there and ignore her. She can eat or not eat, no big deal. When the drama is removed, and she is hungry, she will eat. If she's not hungry, she won't.

I had four kids in my family. My mom didn't cook anything different for us, but I remember that there was always bread, peanut butter, cheese on the table. We could always just make a sandwich if we didn't like the main dish. But no drama or any extra effort from her.

I still don't always want to eat a "real" dinner, sometimes I have a bowl of cereal...

As my girls pediatrician has always said, kids will not starve themselves to death.

If she doesn't want to eat, then put her food away to eat later (if possible) or tell her that is all she gets for the night until breakfast time. Your making this to stressful on yourselves. She will eat when she's hungry enough.

Edited to Add:
The more you calm down about this the more she will probably be apt to eat her meal. Like I said, put it out for her, if she doesn't eat, she doesn't eat. Put it away and don't let her eat anything else for the night.

I'd say you have to ignore it completely and stop making it a fight. You've already figured out that she likes to push your buttons at dinner, so just stop responding at all. She is eating breakfast and lunch, so she isn't going hungry. I would just give her the dinner and let everything go on as normal - don't mention the eating, don't comment if she eats or doesn't eat, nothing. Then when you are done, say "OK, dinner's over" take her plate and clean up. If she whines she wants it back, tell her that dinner is over, she should have eaten when she was seated.

You could also serve her before or after you eat so you take her audience away completely. But again, I wouldn't respond to the not eating. If she enjoys her freedom too much, then let it go for 6 months and tell her that 5 year olds eat at the table. Good luck! Kids really know how to drive you crazy don't they?

UGH -I know it! I have a 4.5 year old mess as well. IF (and that's often a big if) I get it together to have dinner ready for everyone in time, we sit down and eat, but we have to constantly go over the rule -"You cannot get up and leave the table until you're finished. If you have to use the restroom, say 'May I be excused,' and go." We have to repeat this several times a meal. Often I will serve my kids dinner an hour or so before we eat so we can eat in peace. I try to include them as often as possible so they get used to it, but at their ages of 4 and 2, sometimes it's just not worth it and sometimes we want to eat something really spicy they won't eat. I'm a firm believer in the "no short order cook" philosophy, but if it makes my life easier to serve them a veggie burger w/ grapes or something at 6:30, then I do it! We have PLENTY of time for family meals together in the future!

When my 4.5 year old doesn't want to eat or eat right then or whatever the case is, we set a timer. We let him know he has X amount of minutes to finish his dinner, NOT get up and roam around the house -and then the food is gone. We remove the food after the time limit, and if he hasn't eaten it -too bad. He's not starving to death or malnourished, but he has gone to bed hungry a few times! This has worked better than anything else. We enforce it calmly for the most part, and he's really starting to get that HE makes the choice about eating dinner or not, and if he goes to bed hungry -it's his own fault.

We use this fun 'dinner game', to encourage good behavior - "if you don't get up on your chair and sit nicely, we won't be able to play a dinner game" and "three more bites of your veggies and we can do another one". It has a lot of fun cards in it and we laugh a lot and she learns a lot too.

Family Time Fun Beginner Dinner Games
by FamilyTime Fun
We got it at amazon.com

http://tinyurl.com/28rw6z4

Also, we were having problems at bedtime for awhile, and started going down the path of taking things away and punishments and it just got to be a habit of frustration. I decided, instead of taking away books (she usually gets 2-4 books read to her a night), I would reward good behavior with those same books. I made a chart that had a picture of a toilet, a plus sign, and a toothbrush equals ONE BOOK from dad. And a place for her to check that. Next line was a pic of jammies and bed equals one book from mom. a place to check that off (that is her favorite part, checking that off). Then i laminated it so we can use washable markers and use it every night. It has helped for a couple weeks now! Everything has been so much more pleasant. You could try something like that for dinnertime. I like to use books as a reward and she loves being read to, so it works well for us.

GOOD LUCK!

YES!! And not only is my almost 5 year old a pill, my 2.5 year old is a pill too. Here's what I've started doing. Since family dinners are not that enjoyable now, I've started feeding the kids an hour earlier. They seem to have a window when they will eat and if they get too tired/hungry (which by 6:30 they sometimes are) they are much less well-behaved and cooperative. If I feed them between 5 and 5:30, dinner is much less stressful and hubby and I eat later. I hate to skip the "family dinner" but when it is so stressful anyway, I figure that it can wait til they are like 6 and 8. Another thing I do, is to tell the 5 year old, "You don't have to eat. You just need to come and sit with the family and visit." She eventually starts picking at her food but since I choose not to "battle" she thinks it is her own idea. GL. I feel your pain!

stop stressing. Just set the table and ignore her. Perhaps she doesn't like to eat when everyone else is eating. My son eats his dinner after everyone has eaten theirs. He is 3 and half is just just now eating when we eat but only when we don't make a fuss or a big deal out of it. Maybe she just isn't hungry yet. You could leave her plate out for her and that's it. If she eats a good breakfast and lunch then be happy!! be very happy. Some kids just don't eat much dinner. You could try serving her what you made for dinner for lunch the next day... perhaps she has an afternoon snack. If so, maybe she will eat an hour after your meal. So eat with your husband. Then ask her if she would like to eat. If she says no, then no big deal. The less comotion you make the more likely she will eat it (even if it on her own schedule). Just don't get so worked up over it and things will get better. :)

When I make dinner for the family, places are set, we all sit down and are served the meal. Whether anyone actually eats is up to them. If people are hungry, they'll eat. If not, they'll just sit there and spend time with the family, but they will NOT be watching TV in another room just because they don't want to eat. If you think your daughter is refusing to eat just to push your buttons, she's obviously succeeding very well. Trust me, she won't starve just because she misses dinner if she's eaten well at breakfast and lunch. SHE'S not making this into a battle, you and your husband are. Just set her a place, serve her some food, and have your meal. If she eats, great, if not, whatever. Just don't make the mistake of giving her a sandwich 2hrs later when she complains of being hungry. If she does that, promptly present her with her plate of food from dinner, which you've covered with plastic wrap and put in the fridge. She can eat it cold...it was warm 2hrs earlier when she chose not to eat it. She will get tired of this routine eventually. This is not a battle worth fighting - there are bigger battles to come, trust me!

Ha! HA! Sorry K. but she sounds JUST like my 4 yr old daughter! My daughter does the same thing and I think it's a total power struggle. She is just the kind of kid that likes to be in control. I solved it by giving up the fight...done. She would come to the table, the tantrums would start and I'd ask her if she was done and she's say yes and then off she'd go to play.
Some foods I will modify for her(no spaghetti sauce on her noodles, give her choices of dips, etc.) but for the most part I just breathed the sigh of relief and gave up. My kids all have the choice of PB&J at dinner if they don't like what I've made. I agree I'm not a restaurant but I also understand that some people don't like some things so that is there only alternate(and easy) option.
So for the most part my daughter doesn't see the fun in the power anymore so she's stopped and sits and generally eats. I've found putting foods in the middle of the table, like veggies, bread, even cut up fruit that she can choose for herself while we eat helps her feel some control.
So my advice from one momma of a control obsessed child to another....is let it go:-) Sit and enjoy your dinners with your husband and let it go. This too shall pass, she won't refuse to eat forever! And in the meantime provide her with healthy wholesome snacks,breaksfasts, and lunches! Good Luch!
M.

Dinnertime is supposed to be enjoyable, but sometimes with children it's hard to enjoy :)
I have recently established a 3 strikes you're out rule for dinnertime. My children KNOW the dinner table rules and have been blatantly disregarding them lately! So, if I have to 'remind' them 3 times about the same rule (ex: sit while you eat, no talking w/food in mouth, etc.) they are told to leave the table and go to their room until the rest of us have finished our meal, there is no reason for the rest of us to not enjoy our meal simply because one person chooses not to use their manners. My kids really do seem to enjoy the family togetherness at dinnertime, and so far this 3 strikes rule has been very successful-we haven't gotten past 2 strikes because nobody wants to have to leave the table/conversation/fun early :)

If she doesn't eat, oh well, another meal is coming in a few hours. I am a big believer in NOT making food a battle because it gives children a sense of power to know that they can control their parents emotions by simply not eating...control over anyone's emotions is too much power for anybody, let alone a small chlid.

How stressful!
I am in agreement with previous posters, ignore her. Put the dinner out, have a nice chat with your DH, ignore any whining or attention seeking behavior. Let her know when dinner time is almost over and then take away her plate. If she complains of being hungry later, then remind her that she had food earlier and she chose not to eat. She won't starve. It will be irritating to listen to her complaints, but I promise you that if you don't respond and stick to your (very reasonable) guns, she will knock it off.
At my house I have a three bite rule. My kids must take three bites of whatever it is that they "don't like". Then I let it go. If they get hungry later, they can have water but no milk and no food. They can have a snack or milk only if they made a genuine effort to eat dinner.
Good luck!

We have nights like this as well with our 6 and 4.5 yr olds. One thing that helps sometimes are some dinner table games we have learned. We received a box of cards with game ideas last Xmas. Some encourage eating, some just encourage everyone to be at the table and enjoy the time. It's not perfect, I know, b/c sometimes I'd like to actually talk to my husband and not just be playing games to keep the kids at the table, but if you want family meal time at least some nights, it can help.
One game is "what's missing from the table?" Everyone closes their eyes while one person hides an object, then tells them to open eyes and guess. (Our table is pretty cluttered so it's a good challenge for us!) Or the Oven Mitt game where one person hides an object inthe oven mitt and you have to guess what it is by feeling, not looking.
It doesn't necessarily get them to eat, but takes attention away from eating and back to being family time.

I think you just need to be OK with her not eating if she chooses not to. I know it stinks when you work hard to make a meal for someone and have them reject it, I hate that too. But consider your job done when you've put her plate in front of her. Talk about anything and everything at the table except the food and coaxing her to eat it. If she says "I don't want to eat" and it isn't that she doesn't like the food, she may not be hungry, or she may not want to stop doing what she is doing to come to the table. I wouldn't punish/reward her for eating or not eating, but I would require she come to the table and sit at meal times. Try to make it enticing for her by drawing her in to a conversation that is of interest to her. "It is OK if you aren't very hungry, please come to the table and sit with us for family meal time, Dad and I would like to hear your ideas about what kind of Halloween costume you want to put together this year" or "after we have our family meal time, we can walk to the playground" When my kids were that age, they would only eat a good lunch or a good dinner, but never both. If they ate a decent lunch, dinner was picked at. If they picked at lunch, they usually at a pretty good amount of food at dinner.

my dad would make us sit at the table until we ate what was given to us... (if we were just being stubborn about it... he did give us lenience when it was something he knew we honestly didn't like) If we didn't eat it within an hour or so, we were sent to bed until we could come out and eat it. If we didn't come out and eat it, guess what was for breakfast? eventually we would get hungry enough to eat it... At 4 years old, this isn't starving your kid. It's making THEM make a choice between going hungry and eating what they get.