42 Yr. Old Mom of 3...haven't Worked in years...but I Think I Need a Divorce..

Updated on September 26, 2011
R.M. asks from Cedar Park, TX
18 answers

I am a mom of 3 kiddos. I have a degree but I have stayed home for years. My marriage just isn't there anymore. I am at a loss as to what to do....where to turn..what steps do I need to take. I have so much fear. I haven't worked much in my life. I do have a teaching degree..but it is not my passion. How can my home happy again? Moms....anyone out there like me? I live in Texas. What resources are available for people like me?

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answers from Washington DC on


I'm sorry you are in this place....still.

I've read over your previous posts...you state you aren't happy but haven't stated what you are trying to do to change or fix it...

You posted December 2010 that you weren't attracted to your husband...what have you done to change that? ANYTHING? I know there are times when I'm not attracted to my husband - I use my imagination and pretend he's someone else...no harm in that in my book...

Then in October you posted that you know in your soul you married the wrong one...what have you done to change it? Is divorce your way out or are you depressed because it wasn't as exciting as you thought it would be? You state that you thought he would be a good provider, etc....however you never state WHY you married him then if you knew in your soul it was wrong...I can tell you if you don't know the answers to these questions - you aren't going to change anything by divorcing him. You have kids together so you will be attached to him in some shape or form for the rest of your life...and you will carry this burden (that's the best word I can come up with right now for it) until you can resolve what it is....

Can you work on your relationship with God? Go to your church and talk to your pastor, priest or rabbi....find a W.'s bible study group - here you will find like-minded women and you might find a friend that you weren't expecting...I know God will get you through anything...you just have to trust Him if you can....

You haven't stated if you love your husband. I can tell you after 14 years of marriage - there are days I look at my husband and say "OOOH I can't take this not another day - brraaaa - not another day!!" (you know the monster.com commercial? YEAH - that I can't take this...) And then there are days when he does something that just makes my heart melt all over again....

Instead of throwing in the towel on your marriage - I would suggest counseling...and date nights...

Marriage is NEVER easy...I know we are programmed for the "happily ever after" - when I hear someone say "My marriage just isn't there anymore" - that I say back - you need to WORK ON IT...my parents told me that marriage was a full time job that you didn't get paid for - man were they EVER right...I'd like to think of it as a garden that needs to be tended to daily lest weeds grow - but when "it's NOT there"? TO ME (i.e. MY OPINION) that means your marriage is stuck in a rut and one or both parties are bored...looking for something new...exciting...I can tell you that YOU CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN again....

You have sooo much on your plate - to be honest - it sounds like you aren't happy with YOU...no one can love you without you loving you first. You have to like you and love you...you have to look at yourself every day in the mirror...I don't want to say you are depressed because I don't know you personally...but with having an autistic child, 3 kids and not being happily married - you could be depressed or just on a pity pot...we are all entitled to a pity pot...but you can't stay on it forever....start writing a journal - your expectations, your dreams, desires, etc. then start opening up to your husband and TALK with him COMMUNICATE with him...

I wouldn't let fear rule my life either. I would take the bull by the horns and sit down with my hubby and say "I'm NOT happy"...I EXPECT...I NEED...and be willing to listen to his wants, expectations and needs as well....

How can you make your home happy again? Baby steps...attitude is everything. You think you've got it bad - your negative attitude will reflect in your words and deeds...which will cause short tempers and a bunch of unhappy faces!

I'm sure there are plenty of mom's like you out in the world. We are rarely ever alone....it's just a matter of HOW we handle things...if you just want to lament on how unhappy you are and do nothing to change it - not taking the advice of others but continually stating "I'm not attracted to my husband" or "My marriage isn't there..." nothing will change...and you will continue to be unhappy.

As to your job or wanting a job - if your kids are in school - can you go back to school yourself to get a degree in what you are PASSIONATE in? do you KNOW what you are passionate for?

There are a ton of resources out there for you - find your local unemployment office - search their job boards and see what jobs are open and that you qualify for or are interested in...

I would start volunteering places where your passion lies as well as looking for an intern position - so you can get some adult stimulation other than your husband...that will give you something to talk about other than the kids...

Go to Craigslist and look in their jobs section...while a minority of them may be scams - the majority of them are not...so take advantage and look...it doesn't hurt to look...

I wish you much luck and peace..

10 moms found this helpful


answers from Albany on

Hi RM, I hope you don't mind, I took some time to look over your previous posts. Hard to respond to this one without more details.

In a post from last year, you said you 'knew in your soul that you'd married the wrong person'. Other posts explain other marital disappointments, but NO post suggests you have tried everything in your power to make it better and STILL need to end it.

Also, there is no mention of whether you and your husband regularly discuss these feelings you have, or whether you've tried counseling.

So without more detail beyond he always forgets Valentine's Day, I suggest that this marriage is maybe not over, that maybe neither of you have invested in it's renewal.

In addition, I think you might be feeling isolated, struggling with issues with the kids, feeling like you're alone with it all, feeling like you've lost a sense of self.

It'd be nice to know whether you've actually reached out to your husband.

Really, maybe if you did something for YOURSELF, you'd feel invigorated enough to then get busy on your marriage. Like go back to school, get a fun, no stress PT job....something to help you remember who you are besides Mom and Wife.

So, I'm not a professional, of course, just another mom who has lost myself in taking care of others and grown accustomed to letting my own needs go, then wondering why I feel so BLAH all the time, you know?

One thing you can do that will make that statement 'I think I need a divorce' IN YOUR FACE, is go for a free consult with a divorce attorney. Then you will be able to have a better sense of that way might be WORSE then how it is now.

Wish you the best. Hope you'll keep us posted.


9 moms found this helpful


answers from Phoenix on

Well... have you addressed the marital issues with your DH? Has an effort been made on both sides to work on things? I think leaving should be a last resort, after you've exhausted all avenues of repairing your marriage.

ETA - to the post that claims that hardly anyone answered the OP's question, you must've missed this part: " How can my home happy again?".

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Colorado Springs on

I'm so sorry you find yourself at this place. Are you sure you cannot salvage your marriage? My advice would be to maybe try something new in that area. Of course, I have no idea what the issues are there, but I would encourage you not to give up. Divorcing doesn't tend to make things better for anyone, especially the children. Of course, if you are being physically abused, that is different. You need to get out. But, if it is just that he is an oaf, please try to hang in there and seek help for your relationship. I wish I knew more so that I could speak specifically to your problem. If I were in your shoes, and found myself a single mom with my children, I have no idea where I would begin either. I suppose I would have to really build up my company to more full-time with a major advertising campaign.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Kansas City on

i really think "it's just not there anymore" isn't a valid reason to end a marriage. i agree with Kiki, have you tried to work on this WITH your husband? does he have any clue that you are so miserable (which comes from YOU by the way, not him) we all have a responsibility to ourselves to be happy, it's not on other people. if you're not, before devastating your entire family, look within and see what you can do to fix it without hurting them. good luck...you didn't give a lot of details but maybe a counsellor or your pastor can help you.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Minneapolis on

I would start with career counseling, before you make any decisions about leaving your marriage. Also, as others have suggested, marriage counseling. Whether you go together or alone, it might help you make the decision whether that turns out to be stay or leave.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Appleton on

You need to do what make you happy. I looked over the other posts and it seems as though the other posters want you to work on your marriage and stay. If you are unhappy and you don't think counseling will help then it's time to move on.

Many companies hire teachers to work in their training department. Since you already have the training to put together lesson plans and how to teach those lessons, you have what they are looking for.

You can go to a local continuing education school or tech school or state job service and see what they offer as far as career planning they offer. I have taken placement tests and I was suprised at the outcome.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Oklahoma City on

If you choose to start over there are many ways to do so.

1. start seeing someone that you can talk to so you can make the decisions to better your life. Perhaps with him and perhaps without.

2. Call the Office of Financial Aid at the nearest college and ask them if they can find out if there is still funding available for "Displaced Homemakers". It was a big thing back in the 90's and around 2000 so I don't know if it's still there. The funds were avail. to pay for SAHM's to go back to school after becoming a widow or having to reenter the work force.

3. Going to school is always good, if only to give you some sense of well being to feel great about yourself. You get good grades and get compliments that you don't always get at home.

4. You4 kids are 4, 5, and 11 so they are old enough to know things aren't right at home. I think making strides to improve your own life will effect them in such a positive manner. They will learn to take care of themselves as they get to be parents eventually too.

I hope things work out for the best for everyone. It's always hard when a relationship doesn't work out.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Charlotte on


3 moms found this helpful


answers from Tulsa on

Junior Leage and some Christian groups have job counseling and hook women up with jobs. Teaching jobs are hard to come by now and I was so burnt out when I quit, I will never go back.
You could be a companion care worker for the elderly and make $15 per hour. Then you could be home for the kids.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

PLEASE give it a long and hard thought before you get divorced. I know you didn't go into a ton of detail as to what is wrong, but divorces are rough, especially on kids. Then if your hubby gets remarried, then enters a step-mom. Or if you get remarried, then enters a step dad. Neither are easy for kids to figure out. And, if you're anything like me, the thought of my kids having a step mom isn't the most appealing to me.

I don't know your situation and don't want to come across like I'm telling you what to do. Just wanted to impress upon you the difficulty a divorce is on kids. I went through it as an older teen. It was rough.

Can you go to counseling to try to figure out how to rekindle your marriage? If you feel a need to work, be sure to consider how to accomplish that, regardless of whether you get divorced or not.

I hope others give you the info you're asking about. I'm not sure what resources would be available to you. But to make your home happy again, I think counseling might be very beneficial. It'll help you see what things you are in control of - whether hubby is on board or not - as well as things you can do within your marriage to improve it...or how to go about getting divorced in a way that is least damaging to your kids.

Good luck.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Austin on

Read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. It will give you some great suggestions to make your home happy again. As long as you aren't married to a psycho path, things can go back to where they once were. As a teacher of high school kids, I will tell you that your kids will do better if your marriage becomes happy again. If you follow the suggestions in the book, it will not only make you feel better about yourself, but your children will see what a good marriage should look like. You've got nothing to lose but everything to gain. Besides, do you really want to go to a job and not be there to the degree you are now for your kids?

2 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

Wow... I just love how like 4 out of 13 people actually responded to your question.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Pittsburgh on

Well...marriage counseling for O.. Either for yourself or with your husband.
Not sure how many years you've been married, but with 3 kids, I would probably want to make sure I knew with 100% certainty that it couldn't work. Are you willing to give counseling a shot?

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Spartanburg on

Just in case, take a class/course that will turn you into some kind of professional, so you can get in the job market. Married or divorced, is important that a woman has her own financial independence. If you can study while you are still married that would be great, could you postopone any decision?

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Beaumont on

When you are in that bad place and all you can see is what they are doing wrong, the best thing is to begin focusing on yourself. What can you do to make yourself happier? What skills do you need, what is your passion and begin developing it. I did this and am now working on my doctorate and teaching and lo and behold my marriage is better. But even if your marriage does not get better and you eventually divorce you are more prepared.
this website is good also.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Austin on

I don't live in Texas, but I have seen Fireproof, a DVD about marriage....how to improve it. There is also a book called, Love and War. Both would be starting points for me. Try to save your marriage before you give up. Sorry to hear about your difficulty. Marriage is hard work.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from St. Louis on

R.M. (I feel odd writing to a non name person...)
I have not read other responses H., and I just wanted to give you my thoughts H. after responding to your other post. I think there are many times, when a woman, a mom feel the way you feel now. I don't know your specific problems or what is actually happening in your marriage or to yourself. I just know that in marriage couples go through many stages, difficulties and plenty of sweet times. I think that most of woman H., including myself have been going through difficult times, and the key is calm down and now who you are, what you want, what you want for your kids and for your family; it is important to know how much you love that person, your husband and understand that men and women are SO different so to keep the balance, the spark, the communication, the love,... it is vital, to me, work harder and harder on what he needs and expects and what you need and expect from your relationship. There is no magical recipe for a happy marriage; marriage is not easy and it has never been. In my humble opinion, marriage is difficult but beautiful and even when it should be nurtured by the couple itself, it is mostly our job, as women, to nurture, to speak out (nicely), to make home a home because we have in our nature to nurture..that is. men think differently from us, and it is very vital we learn that. We have to "explain" to them several times what we need as spouses, as partners; we have to give them more than clues... You may want to re think why your marriage is not there anymore, probably there is still something to do about it. Try, talk, communicate, find help....and then make decisions about the children and then think of something else. Make your marriage a priority and try harder. Just my thoughts. Blessing for you and your family.

1 mom found this helpful
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