4 Year Old's Anxiety over Going to Preschool...

I've has the same problem with my now 6 year old daughter. It all started in Preschool, then in kindergarten and now in 1st grade. Let me tell you, I've came home crying , I did everything you did. Yes it is so frustrating. I just wanted to let you know that I feel for you and this does go away. From my experience of the past 2 grades it fades about 4 long months into the school year. I'm crossing my fingers I have about a month to go!!

Could be she needs more of a routine? Can you send her 5 days a week for just half days? My kids go 5 days a week and with the exception of Mondays, they drop off pretty well after having had hard transitions at first.

Something isn't right so get her out. I work in Pre-k and if she's been fine for 2 years but now having trouble, it's a sign of something wrong. Does she have to be in school? Why not keep her home to enjoy time with you before kinder. She's got a long school life ahead of her. A little one doesn't need to be stressed out. that will be worse than her not going to preschool. Kids honestly don't need it. You are her best teacher.

Something is causing this sudden change in her behavior and I think that you can do some investigating to see if you can find the cause. There are too many to list but you have to start somewhere. There may be another student that she didn't have in her class before that is bullying her or bothering her in some way for example. If the class is pretty full the teachers may not be aware of it. Like another poster said...perhaps these teachers are a bit more structured than the last classroom. Maybe something is overwhelming to her. It could be the # of students, some of the activities.. something must be bothering her. Kids that are having a sudden anxiety over something relatively known to them are experiencing something uncomfortable. It could be something as simple as new teachers, new classroom, new students or it could also be something much larger.
As a foster mom, I deal with this ALL the time and it is very difficult to figure out. Most recently, I have a 3 year old that suddenly would not go to the Sunday School class that she has been going to for months and enjoying. She had the same exact reaction as your daughter is having. The other day when my 15 year old took her to try again, she didn't return with her. I went back after church to pick her up to find that the SS teacher was a different person. The teacher that she wouldn't go to class with was a young man that was short and bulky. Interestingly enough, this little girls dad that was the violating parent is short and bulky. I didn't know all this to begin with, but with some investigating.... figured it out. So, my little one has a genuine fear of men of his stature and size. Now I know that this is an extreme case but I am using it to point out that she had a real fear/anxiety. She had been going to Sunday school for a long time. I didn't know that the church switched teachers every couple of months because my daughter was walking her to and from class. My initial reaction was of frustration. "why in the world are you doing this? You love Sunday School, just go and have a good time" Soooo.... take the time to do some research and see if there is a real reason for your daughter to be so upset and help her to work through it. It may be as simple as the rules but you owe it to her.
Good Luck!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't think responding to your daughter's tears in this instance means "cry and you get what you want" I think it means "your mother is willing to meet yout needs and understands your feelings." Talk to the teacher and see if she sees anything. Ask to spend time in the classroom so that you can observe what's going on. I think it is very important for both the child and the parent to feel comfortable in their school environment during the early years, even if it means choosing a private school. When most people go to college, they choose a school that meets their individual needs, but for some reason in the elementary and preschool level we have an understanding that one size must fit all. Good luck, tears are hard to endure.

Hello,
this story is all too familiar and that is why I felt compelled to write ya. I am a teacher at a local high school now, but worked as a pre school teacher before for years. Its such a story that pulls at my heartstrings about your beautiful little girl. I understand that it is difficult for some children to be apart from mom, and I am sure your daughter's teacher gets it too. It was usually the kids who acted out worse to mom when leaving acted beautifully for teacher. So take it as a compliment, as weird as it sounds. If your little girl is thriving and happy when you two re unite chances are the pre school experience is positive. Just make your departing experience as quickly as possible, be strong mama! And while you hear her whimpers as you are leaving just recognize it is NORMAL and she will get over it and be playing by blocks or with play dough and you will not be on the forefront of her pretty little head. Go get the errands run and the bills paid and the laundry done!! And for goodness sakes do not feel guilty! A happy mom who is re charged is better for the entire family! Trust me we all need a BREAK from our kids and it is healthy to do just that.

Best of luck,
Ange

Maybe she is not ready for Pre-K, why not wait until school is mandatory to start her. You are lucky to be a SAHM, take advantage of it, I bet you can teach her more at home than they do at that school. Enjoy your Daughter, once she starts school full time you will miss your time together.

I agree with Kathy F.'s response. Find out why & what is bothering her.

For my daughter, I know that if she tells me something like this, it IS for a REAL reason. I know she isn't just pretending. One time for example, my daughter for a period of a couple months, refused to go to PE class or school. And she was crying/clingy/fearful/upset/tantrums and the whole 9 yards. Instead of dismissing her as a "hissy fit" queen... I told her I would find out why & we talked about it together... I talked with her teacher, I talked with the school counselor, I talked with her PE teacher etc. It took some poking around on my part and keeping a dialog going with my girl...then one day, she finally told me that she HATED school/PE class because "the Coach has a loud voice... and he's scary.... and it's so hot and he doesn't let us drink water... and he doesn't let us use the bathroom... and we have to do everything PERFECT- trying our best isn't enough- it has to be perfect...." SO, this is why my girl was basically getting major stressed out just from this one PE Teacher. AND it took at least a couple of months for me to learn this and figure it out. Apparently, as I later learned, it wasn't just MY girl having this problem... it was other kids too. And later, after my trouble-shooting it and making mention of this to the school... and other feedback from Parents... the teacher was disciplined. So, you see, kids do have real reasons too.....

You've tried everything else... so why don't you try the route you haven't tried...and actually try and "see" what may be the issue.
Just hang out at the school... see what goes on there... sometimes parents don't really know what happens in class, how the teacher is, what the kids do, what the classmates are like, or what the "problems" are, because they don't even "see" the class or observe the classroom.

Next, once you find out the why's for her not enjoying school, and it can be "solved" and happily....have you considered sending her to school maybe 3-days a week and then gradually, everyday?
This might be a good thing. Because, if only going 2 times per week...a child is basically having to "catch up" and re-adjust to school each time... simply because their exposure to the school/class routine is so limited. Then they don't really get a chance to make friends or get in the full swing of things, so to speak. So, perhaps this also affects the child's ability to "get used to" the newness of the "new" teachers and kids and classroom. And it can stall things.

A great book is called : "Your 4 Year Old" (you can get it from Amazon.com).

I'm sure it will be fine...but this age, it's not easy. Girls too, are emotional little creatures and so tender. Sure they cry... but they also need to learn that if they cry, and IF it is for a good reason, their Mom will listen to them and do something about it too.

Good luck,
Susan

Do NOT pull her out of school. How about this approach. In a quiet moment of non-conflict, explain to her that everyone in the family has a job to do. Daddy's job is to go to work for the famiy, mommy's job is to stay at home and take care of the house (or however you want to explain what it is you and your husband do), and your daughter's job is to go to school. Tell her that sometimes, Daddy doesn't want to go to work, but he still does. Sometimes, you don't want to do your job (fold laundry, whatever), but you still do. And that sometimes, your daughter may not want to go to school, but she still needs to go. Maybe explaining things in terms of job responsibility to the family might work. Good luck.

I see you got a ton of responses, so i will keep it short. First, try not to personalize any of the advice you got here. It is hard enough trying to be a good mom let alone hearing people question you even putting your child in preschool to begin with. You know your child best and being the mom of a 3 year old myself, I know all about the dramafest. I understand how that feels exactly and wondering if you are "giving in". There isn't any mistake to be made here. Either way, she will thrive and be fine. One suggestion to you might be going to a Meetup type of moms group. This may help socialize your child and allow you to be there and observe her with others and in different situations. I am in a few groups and it has been a good experience. www.meetup.com

So, good luck to you and just don't let other moms get to you...I have in the past and it feels bad. ...so much for keeping this short.

First of all, anger and frustration have no business in this issue. I'm wondering why on earth your daughter has been in school for the past 2 years when she has a stay-at-home mother. It also seems odd to me that she obviously does not wish to go, yet you are insisting she does so. She told you that she wants more time with you. Is that a crime? She will soon be in "real" school and your time together will be limited. Why not enjoy your last chance to have her at home with you? You are setting the stage for a dislike of school. Not a good thing. Pull her out - what is the big deal? And enjoy your child. You are seeing this all wrong. By forcing her to stay in yet another unnecessary year of school, you are not teaching her that crying won't work, you are teaching her that her feelings and desires are completely irrelevant to you, and that her wishes mean nothing. That will backfire on you in a HUGE way. Treat your daughter's feelings and desires with the respect they deserve. Give up your two free days a week. You will have plenty of "me time" once she is in school for real.

Try the Fallbrook Montessori School. It is a wonderfully peaceful learning environment. She will love it!

My 2 yr old has a similar situation - he cries before hand telling me he doesn't want to go, then has a great time while he's there. I was given an idea to include a picture of my husband and I in his backpack, so we're always "there", but I wasn't sure that would work with him. Finally today was the first day he didn't cry as i dropped him off. We talked about how much fun he had doing the crafts at preschool (crafts that we don't do at home), and how much he enjoyed showing them to me when I pick him up at the end of the day. He agreed that a little bit of sadness at having to be separated was worth the fun of meeting up again and having things to show/tell me about. I know how hard it is!! Good luck, keep talking to her (tell her how much everyone at the school loves her, etc.) and just continue the calm conversation. In my opinion these fears/anxieties need to be honored, not bribed or threatened away. Once they are heard and addressed they may still take some time to disappear completely, but you will be giving her the skills to handle tough situations in the future without simply suppressing her feelings.

Y.,
Go sit in on her class once and a while. Just show up, don't let your daughter know you are going to come by. She is probably doing just fine, but this way you can see for yourself. The fact that she comes out in a good mood, is a good sign. You can let the teacher know you are coming if you want too, but sometimes it is better to just walk in unannounced. You can observe quietly, what goes on and how everyone is treated in her class. Observe everyone that helps in the class, see if there is any favortism, etc. Most likely, your daughter just wants to have her way. She preferred the other class. Does she like change? I know some children have difficulty with change no matter how good it might be for them. It sounds like you have tried everything else you can. After trying the things I mentioned above, don't have anymore discussions with her. Tell her she has to go and you are not going to discuss it anymore. If she throws a fit or cries, ignore her, get a latte and get away from her. If that means having her go to her room, or you doing laundry, etc. You need to stick with what you say and not give in. She won't give in easily, but this is one battle you need to succeed at. Otherwise, the more difficult ones in the future will be harder. You will be able to nip it in the bud now, and stand firm.

Our children know what buttons to push, we need to find a way to not respond the way they want us too. Not easy, but it is possible. Two steps forward and one step back, you are still making progress.

E.:)

When my daughter started pre school i was there every day all day for 6 wks. My husband was in the hospital and she'd never been away from mommy. Is there anything else going on at home that may be affecting her? Is it a longer day. What helped my daughter was this. She was going 3 days. The school suggested she come 5 days (and so i went 5 days) She responded to the consistency. Her fear was 'What if mommy doesn't come back?' So I asked her things like "Has mommy ever not come back?' 'Does mommy pick you up right after school every day?" See mommy always comes back. I have to say the consistency helped alot. Now 2 yrs later she's in kdg from 8-3 (in pre-k it was 9-2:30 the year before 9-12:30). I don't know if this helps at all. Speaking to her teacher or the school director should help as they see this all the time. It sounds like you've done that. Best, H.

Hi Y.,

I have a mixed message for you. My five year old twins started a new school separate classrooms. They were not happy about going, anxiety as well. One much more than the other, I ignored it and later learned that her teacher, now replaced, was not managing the class. The kids were disruptive and she was unhappy because her class was chaos. I feel bad that I ignored her pleas.

They still don't want to be in school and the other child has now called to picked up with a stomach ache 3 times.

I found another girl in each class with a receptive mother and have started play dates. It seems to have helped them with new friends and getting attached to their new surroundings. Maybe if you help her become friends with someone she will be acclimated faster?

Good luck,

S.

Hi Y.,
I have gone through this!! The one thing that helped the most, besides time, was arranging a few playdates with the other girls in her class. Almost instantly, my daughter looked forward to seeing her new friend(s). I went through about a year of the separation anxiety, and it almost killed me. SEemed like my daughter was the only one. Her teachers said the same thing, she stopped crying a few minutes after I left. They also recommended signing her in and "running." The longer I lingered, the worse it was. I have also seen success with getting to school a little early. It can be overwhelming once everyone else is there. Good luck, and hang in there. It will get better. You are doing everything right!

I agree with Harriet S. and Anna Z. If she stops crying after 10 minutes than it seems like it is an adjustment issue, especially because this is only a new class, not one that she has already been attending and all of sudden she does not want to go anymore. You stated that she recently switched and only attends 2 days a week. Since she is still attending the same school, 2 days a weeks does not seem enough to completely adjust to the Pre-K class.

My daughter recently (August) switched to the Pre-K class at her school and even though she is still at the same school, it is a different classroom with different teachers and teacher's aids and more students. It took her a solid 3 weeks to adjust, but she is also in that new classroom everyday. I had the same issue of her not wanting to go. She would cry when we dropped her off, but everyday she would cry for less and less time. When I picked her up, she was in a great mood. At the beginning of the third week, I was told that she would stop crying as soon as I walked away from dropping her off. At the end of the three weeks, she was telling me, "Bye" and would walk into the classroom all by herself. She just came off of a week break and could not wait to go back to school. She kept asking to go during her vacation.

In light of that, I do agree with S H that 2 days a week is probably not enough. My daughter attends every day. You may want to gradually increase it, so that she is eventually attending fulltime. Then she does not have to readjust 2 times a week, every week. I hope that this helps.

I agree with the other mom(s). If you are blessed to be home, let her be with you. You can teach her, and her feeling secure and safe is worth way more than the preschool environment. If she's having that much anxiety too, there is something going on (even if it's "just" aggression or anger from too many kids). Trust your instincts and give her the benefit of the doubt. You want her to feel safe enough to try new things and places in the future and to know that you trust her feelings enough to validate them (so she'll come to you when something happens in the future).
My daughter had the same anxiety at a daycare the came very highly recommended. I left her because I was a first-time mom and "everyone else said it was great", and another little girl ended up abused, with double skull fractures. Extreme example, but scary and I wish I'd trusted my instincts.
Good luck.

If she seems to like it when you pick her up, perhaps you might want to put her in for more days.

Hi Y.,
I run a preschool in Redondo Beach and have a 4 year old daughter, too, who goes to the school I run. I've got a masters in education and have been in the education field for 18 years. I also taught kindergarten last year in Seattle, WA. I share this just to let you know where I am coming from. Believe it or not, the best thing you can do for your wonderful daughter, especially at this age, is to put her in school for NO LESS than four days. Part of the difficulty is that it's too hard for her to figure out where to put her energy and, at this point, educationally, she needs to be in school for at least four days. If you wait, next year in kindergarten will be MUCH harder on both you and her. This year (the pre-k four year olds) is a huge year of transition and preparation for our soon-to-be kinder kids. Kindergarten is a demanding and exciting phase. It may take a couple of weeks to transition her to more days and it will definitely take your making sure to find some quality time with her, but it will be worth it in the end. Please trust me on that one. I've advised MANY moms with this same situation, all completely successfully. If you have any questions at all, please email me as I'm happy to help. I know, from personal experience, how difficult this can be. You are a wonderful mom and a woman of strength. Good luck! (By the way, if you do decide to send her to school for more days, make sure to explain to her that she's getting ready for kindergarten, BE EXCITED about it, NOT apologetic, as she will take her cues from you...also, really play up the special time you will spend with her each day, even if it's just 20-30 mins, as this will help the transition, too).
Be strong and laugh often,
L.

I had a similar issue when my 5-year old started kindergarten in August. What helped me is writing out a special note to my son each morning that he can take with him to school. He usually wants me to write down his schedule for the day, which goes something like this: "1st school, 2nd Mommy picks you up, 3rd lunch, 4th . . ." And if we have a big event coming up such as our trip to Sea World (which my son loves) in December, in wrote that on his schedule as well. He would then take the note to school and hold it in his pocket throughout the day until I came to pick him up. After a couple of weeks of this, I was able to phase this out and he's a lot more cooperative about getting ready and off to school in the morning.

You may also want to talk to your daughters teacher(s) to see how she is once she is dropped off at school, whether she has established any friendships already with the other little girls, and it they can give you any input on the source of her anxiety. If your daughter is on the shy side and is the new kid in class, the cliques may have already been formed and she may be feeling like the odd girl out in her class. Maybe it will be beneficial to pair her out with a couple of other kids in class during class and playtime so that the other children can get to know your daughter and your daughter will be able to develop some key friendships at school.

Hope this helps.

Why on earth are you making your child go to preschool. Your child does not need to go and anyone who is telling you that she does is wrong. Take that same amount of time your little girl would be in preschool and give her some focussed one on one preschool time at home with the most important person in her life and that is you. Dramafest?? More like a plea for you to listen. If you don't listen now she won't believe that you are the one who can trully help her when there are serious dangers she is faced with. Listen up and be her mommy!
I am a mom of six kids and trust me I know we want a break now and then, however this time slips away much faster than I can possibly descibe. Enjoy her, be creative read stories, sing songs, puzzles, playdough, and holiday crafts are memories in the making! Go for it!

OMG I know exactly how you feel!!My daughter cried the first year of preschool every single school day. She was 3 1/2 and I sent her Tue and Thurs. The same thing, teachers said she stopped crying after I left and she participated in the activities and made friends. The second year, I decided to go and visit more preschools with her. We must have visited 6 or 7 preschools and I watched her reactions. The school that I wound up sending her to was the dirtiest oldest preschool in the most economically depressed area of town (probably would not have been my first choice but it was where she was most comfortable). She thrived that year and grew tremendously into her own. The teachers were magnificent and so dedicated. She had a diverse group of friends. When the time came for her to go to Kindergarten, she was ready.

Is it possible for you to find another school for her? My daughter was very reactive to the "vibe" of the schools that we visited. Some places, she would cling to me and not want to see any part of the school, even though she had friends attending the school who were asking her to play! Maybe her classroom is a very poor learning environment for her and she does not feel comfortable.

This is so hard, we want our kids to love school and thrive. If possible, I would investigate other options and visit them with your daughter. She may not be able to articulate how she feels about each place, but you can tell when she feels comfortable - she will be interested in playing with the toys, she might talk to some other kids/teachers, etc. Good luck to you and your daughter.

Dear Y.,
Since she settles down after 10 minutes and seems fine when you pick her up, it seems like just the beginning of the new year adjustment to changes. It is better to go through it this year than the year she starts Kindergarten. Assure her you love her and will do things with her on when she is home. I would not add extra days at this time. Tell her you are going to do things that she would not like to do especially when you drop her off...clean house, do laundry, go clothes shopping, or grocery shopping. If she insists she likes that item, tell her you will save that then to do tomorrow when she is home (and then make sure you do and include her in that activity). When you pick her up take a few minutes to look at anything she has done such as papers or crafts and complement her on them. Ask her what she enjoyed doing most that day and who she played with. Focus on only what she liked.
At night help her to lay out clothes and tell her how special she will look in them tomorrow. Then read or bedtime story and/or sing some songs before you tell her goodnight. Great her with a big smile in the morning and tell her it is a beautiful day and, as hard as it is, ignore the tears. Sing happy songs she enjoys (even if she is crying) or have her count with you as you drive to school.
If it continues, see if you can observe the class setting, possibly without her knowing, so you can see if it is too structured (some teachers are...my one son had one in Kindergarten and he had a rough time). If you can get an idea of what she does not like about the classroom setting or teacher, you may be able to remedy it or at least avoid it in kindergarten, but looking at the classes and asking the principal if she can be placed with a specific K teacher giving her the reasons. They will usually do it if the request has a logical reason and is made well in advance.
I hope that she will adjust soon for you.
H.

You got so much advice already that there is not a lot to add. What I did with one of my boys is switching his schedule to two consecutive days. This was much better for him because there was no gap in between. It got better almost immediately. I ultimately enrolled him for the full week though (something to consider if you can afford it).

Whatever you do, don't pull her out of school. If you can trust her teacher saying that she's o.k. after a little while she just has a hard time letting go in the beginning. Staying there for the first few minutes until she's settled in might help a lot too (it did with my son).

I agree with L.. Have some of the kids(one at a time) over for a playdate and they will establish a friendship and then she will look forward to seeing them.
I understand your desire to have her go and learn to socialize and be familiar with the school day-there is nothing wrong with that. Sounds like maybe she has not made any new friends yet.
Good luck!

Dear Ynonne

I didn't have time to read all the responses, but here is my experience. I went thru the same thing with my son when he moved from 2 yr old class to 3 yr old class. Same school, different teachers, and dif. classroom. I spoke to the principal, and she suggested that I take him to school everyday for 2 weeks (for no extra cost to me). I know that most people may think that it's better for the kids to get used to 2 days, then gradually increase the number of days. Well, the reality is that when you do that, everytime you add another day it is another adjustment. Anyway, the principal's suggestion worked. The school became a routine, and he was able to make friends by going everyday. After the two weeks, we returned to going Mon/Wed/Fri, full days. Now, a year later, he is in pre-K, and I am thinking about letting him go 5 days a week in a few months. The kids that go everyday in his school seem to form a tighter bond with one another, and the other kids are like part-time friends of theirs. Even though I will miss him, I think it is better for him to go everyday and establish his community and identity there at school.

HI Y.,
I read many of your replies and I didnt not see this suggestion. Role play with your daughter. Have her be the mom and you be the child going to school. (This will open your eyes to her perceptions). So she drops you to school...cry and throw a fit just like she does when you drop her off. After doing some role playing...she might think you crying is funny...after role playing talk about "happy" goodbyes or "sad" goodbyes. Ask her to demonstrate for you the difference. Then you can talk to her about why she has "sad" goodbyes. The next time you take her to school, on the way to school ask her if she will have a happy or a sad goodbye. This worked for my son (he had issues with change and still does). He went to a homeday care where I know he was well taken care of (probably better there than at home). He cried every single day until the last two weeks of school...then he had happy good byes....for the last two weeks of school. I did not start talking to him about the happy and the sad goodbyes soon enough! Well, in the fall, we had to start all over again! But, it didnt take him long to realize that he was in control of how he started his day at school/daycare.

I do believe there is some validity to listening to your child...my children have gone to schools where they just did not feel valued or important...basically neglected. You need to be aware if these are some of her issues...because if they are, she needs to know she can count on you to help her. It might not be the teacher, it could be her peers. Is there a child that picks on her or is there a bully that she is frightened of?

Another idea is that you could maybe find a different school to take her to that has less children in the class...this might be overwhelming to her. If you decide to research other schools, you should involve her in the process. If role playing sad and happy goodbyes dont seem to make any difference, I would talk with her about the idea or possibility of changing where she goes to school. The school where she is at might be fine for many children, but you need to think of your daughter's needs. She might need a smaller setting. I would not take her out of school completely, I would just try to help her understand that you are on her side and that there are many options open to her...but staying home from school is not...unless of course you really want her home with you. Also, how are you feeling about leaving her? Do you really want her away from you? Children are very perceptive and can sense any anxiety their parent may have.

Best of luck...I know by communicating with her and role playing with her that you will figure out what to do that will be best for you both. Also, maybe you could take her to some kind of program where both you and her attend a preschool setting....my kids both loved that chance to have mom all to themselves once a week...a great opportunity for you both...you away from the house and chores and her with you...the best of both worlds.

Take care,
T.

Be consistent, respond the same way each day. Calm and loving and persistent in the facts. She has to go to school. Stick with one behavior and she will take you seriously.

This is very common and very easily rectified. I used this for YEARS with many of my students (and parents)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aQp0kA5a5OI

It is simple, it's fun and it works. We use phrases like "even though I find it hard to go to school easily, I deeply and completley love and accept myself." OR "even though I am afraid of being away from mommy, i deeply and complete love and acept myself." Stuff like that.

Good luck, if you have any questions, just ask. We just rid a 12 year old girl of her nightmares of about 5 years. Mom finally asked for help, can you imagine, torturing your child for 5 years before seeking help? Bless you for asking now.