4 Year Old Sleep Issues

Updated on March 07, 2008
T.E. asks from Bessemer, AL
23 answers

My son is a little over 4 1/2. He has started having major sleeping issues.

Most of his life he has been off and on in our bed. He would end up in our bed for a few weeks or month and then sleep on his own for a while. He had been sleeping on his own for a while, but then on Christmas Eve we let him sleep with us to make sure he didn't see Santa. Then we had a really cold snap and let him sleep with us for a couple of weeks because we have an electric blanket on our bed. Now, he basically refuses to stay in bed. For example last night I read him a couple of stories and he went to sleep. Within a couple of hours he was standing on my side of the bed crying and rubbing his face on my pillow. I told him to go back to bed, but it was like he wasn't even awake. He just kept trying to climb (unsuccessfully) onto our bed. I got up and put him back in bed and he went back to sleep. He was up again a couple hours later. I asked him this morning if he remembered coming to our bed and he said he didn't. Its like he never really wakes up. I don't think it is night terrors. A friend's son has them and this is not like that. Any ideas?

Please only respond if you have helpful advice or have been through this. Please no "you should have never let him in your bed to begin with."

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S.M.

answers from Nashville on

T.,
This is typical for a child who is used to a sleeping partner. When sleeping with a partner, you get used to be aroused a few times a night because of their sleeping, so when a child then is alone-yet still arouses out of habit-knows they are alone. It is known by research that a child who falls asleep, espects that as soon as they wake...if it is different, it is disruptive.
I had this with two of my three children...It tried many different things-each way for at least a week...I found that reclining with them in their own bed until they fell asleep was the best thing. When they woke up and came into my room, I took them back to their bed. It took a full two weeks with the on...and the other...hit and miss over a whole month. I had to get up several times a night, but it was worth it for their sleeping pattern!!!

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D.M.

answers from Memphis on

I don't know if this will help you or not, but my son was having the same problem. We moved when he was around 5 and suddenly he couldn't sleep in his own room, and I might add that he went to his own room when he came home from the hospital, so don't let anyone tell you it is because you had already let him sleep with you.

Anyway, I quickly learned that my son also walks in his sleep, but like you knew it was not always sleep walking. I took him to a counselor and we made a "deal". The first week he decided how many nights he would sleep with my husband and I and we negotiated 4 nights (I think) that two weeks. The next time we went back, he had to go down on the number of nights he could sleep with us. This went on until he was no longer sleeping with us. Some weeks we went down 2 nights and some 1 depending on how he felt when he went to the counselor, but we never went back to more days than the previous week.

I think it gave all of us some needed relief being able to "know" what nights he would be sleeping with us and what nights he would have to stay in his own bed.

I hope this helps.

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G.L.

answers from Huntsville on

T.,
We've been through 4 children who slept with us. I love Dr. Sears' advice for parents: the best piece of baby furniture you can buy is a king size bed! Our oldest is 19...on her own and very independent and secure. She slept with us off and on until she was about 3, and whenever she needed us. Number 2 is 16; he's an athlete (football and soccer) and a terrific, well-adjusted young man. He slept with us as a baby and toddler. As a preschooler and even in the early elementary years he would often come into our bed and not remember having awakened. Number 3 is 13, and she also slept with us as an infant and toddler. Even now if she feels really bad she will come into our bed. She was really sick last night and slept with us. But normally, like any normal teenager, she would rather be in her own room and have her space. Number 4 is nine. Like his siblings, he slept with us, and sometimes still comes in in the middle of the night.
All of our children are well adjusted and secure. They are well liked by their classmates and do well in school. My husband and I almost always go to sleep alone. We have a great marriage (23 years and better all the time). Like you, we find great joy in our children.
My advice to you is to get a bigger bed if you can, then recognize that before you know it, your little boy won't be a little boy any more and you will dearly miss the sweet snuggles. I know it can be overwhelming when you are in the midst of it, but in reality the time flies. Just be thankful that you have created a secure environment for him!

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A.C.

answers from Dothan on

I am with the first comment. I like that you specified not to comment about you should not have let him in your bed. I am like the other post. We have have every possible sleep issue between the 3 of our kids. I think the answer is probably different for different children. My youngest is 4 and 1/2 also and sleeps with me. We are not stressing about this with our third child. I know that she will eventually get over it and want to sleep in her own room. These stages feel like forever when you are in them and then in retrospect do not seem that long. Good Luck!

I apologize to you for Bev's comment when you specifically asked not to hear this.

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T.D.

answers from Alexandria on

I totally know what you are going through. My son, thoughi s 9 1/2 years old. While he was younger, he used to sleep in our bed. Well, now I think it is a feeling of aloneness. He shares a bedroom with an older brother, but very rarely does he sleep in his room. I have just tried to deal with it as best as I can. When he falls asleep in my room, I do put him in his own room, but by morning he is back in my room. It is nice that he wants to be close with us, but we are also trying to find a way to "ween" him out of our room as well. Patience is a must, as we do not want to hurt his feelings. Good luck

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A.M.

answers from Clarksville on

Hey there - My 8 year old does the same thing. He gets up and comes into our room and mumbles. He always has his eyes open and he looks like he is awake, but he isn't. He never remembers it in the morning. I just get up and gently guide him back to his room and cover him up. He has never given me a problem going back to bed. I used to sleep walk when I was young and that's exactly what he is doing too. I wouldn't worry about it unless you are afraid he will hurt himself. My son enters our room which is right at the top of a flight of 14 steps but he never has any problems navigating his way around. My doctor has assured me that it is completely normal and actually common for kids to sleep walk. I would just make sure the floors are clear and any potential hazards your worried about are taken care of. Other than that you know you'll hear him, you have the "mommy ears" we all have in the middle of the night :)

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L.M.

answers from Nashville on

I would say, just keep doing what you're doing...putting him back in bed when he comes to your bed. It could make for some sleepless nights, but eventually he'll stay in his own bed sooner or later...maybe later. I'm sure it's just a phase and will certainly pass, just hang in there.

good luck

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C.D.

answers from Little Rock on

Hello I too have had this problem. I have three children all of which have been in our bed off and on. My ten year old has had night terrors but also just getting up a little upset but not really awake. If i put him back to bed he would be right back up not much later. So what I started to do was take him to the bathroom and turn on the light. Take a warm cloth and wash his face waking him up a little. We gently spoke with him and asked if he had had a bad dream or whatever I then took him to his bed and sang to him or maybe you could read the point is to make him feel comforted and secure. If you continue this process (hopefully) he will then realize that he is safe. Often times children have a problem mentally, you know in the back of their mind, and when they sleep these come to the for front they may not even know or understand their feelings of distress (especially a four years old). The important thing is to be reassuring and if you want him out of your bed then just be consistant. I would often give in because "I" wanted my sleep(and we mothers need it for the well being of everyone) but I find if I stand my ground it happens less and less. Of course there are times even when I was grown I wanted to crawl in bed with my mother for comfort....then you get married and often find that comfort there so children will always need that every once in a while, as we all do right? It's probably important not to let them hide behind it. I hope something I said helped. I'm not very good at this and mine are not grown yet. I have a tendancy to put my foot in my mouth.

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K.G.

answers from Memphis on

I also have a 4 yr old girl who has similar sleep issues.
As you can see from other responses your not alone. Not that it helps at 3am when you've been awaken & then cant get back to sleep when she has her foot in your face even tho you keep moving it!! =)
I have 3 girls. 9-7-4 . the 1st 2 have never had a big issue with this. But once they were both out of the crib they were in a bed together. (they got up every once in a while, but nothing regular)
NOw my youngest started getting up when she was 3. She was in a toddler bed. She started telling me it was b/c she wanted to sleep w/someone! SHe had realized that mom & dad sleep together, her sisters sleep together & she was the only one who did not have a sleeping partner!! I felt compassion for her b/c felt this was a valid reason! she was only one alone, in her own room.
So, many nights she came in & we just didn't do anything about it, b/c #1 we were too tired to care. That is until re realized how much moving around she does in the night. Even in a king size bed! ONe night it would be me, the next my husband. SHe is crammed up against you & not always the right direction!! =) SHe has "HIT" me in the face sevral times on accident by flinging her arms!
I can deal with it most nights b/c I can fall asleep pretty easy. MY husband however has a horrible time going back to sleep once he is woken up! so this became the biggest problem for him. Especially since we already have issue w/our neighbors dogs keeping him awake!!

ANyway, we have tried using sticker charts for how long you can stay in own bed then at the end of a certain time period. (would get longer each time) I would take her to dollar store or something & she got to pick out something!
this worked well. but only for a few months! after it had been a little while since used the chart , it would happen again!!! BUt the time it worked was WONDERFUL!!
SO give this a try!

We still struggle with it now. but off and own & we make a really BIG deal about her staying all night in her own bed. Not neccesarily with "objects" but lots of praise to everyone we see that day !!

We talked my 9 yr old into getting her own room & bed back in Dec. & thought by putting my 4yr old in the same bed w/her other sister would totally solve the problem. But really hasn't.??
Definitly has helped some, just not solved it totally.

SO hang in there.. mine has gotten to where she sneaks in and crawl in the bed w/out us even knowing sometimes.

I will say, sometimes she will call out to us in the night (you as the parent of course have to decide what kind of cry this is from your child- don't always ignore them!) and we recognize it as the same thing- we won't answer & alot of times she will go back to sleep & not even remember it in am.
Even sometimes we say "what?" and she'll say "I'm scared" (this is her new reason for why she gets out of bed) and we'll say "it's okay" but thats it & then she'll go back to sleep then too.

ANyway, try a chart or something like that, or maybe like other response posted, somehow limit the nights if can get kid to agree (although mine would not) but maybe at 1st let em come in on the weekend or something ???
IN other words.......
I HAVE NO ANswers!!! LOL
Good luck!

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L.A.

answers from Clarksville on

set up a little bed in your room for him, like an air matress or something that way he can be close to you but not in YOUR bed. It's usually a phase they go through but if you let them get accustomed to your bed it's very hard to get them out of that habit. Or you can get him a "special" warm blanket of his own and let him pick it out. So he has his own warm blanket to cuddle up to (even though I'm sure you have plenty of blankets for him...)

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J.P.

answers from Alexandria on

I have my boys sleeping with me. Well one is the porta crib and the other camps out in the bed with me. I let him do this because he is scared to sleep by himself and as soon as he is ready he will go back to his bed. This always happens when his daddy goes on a trip. I believe that you have to listen to your children. If he or she is not ready or just needs the comfort of Mommy and Daddy you should listen. Somethings go on in their world that we do not understand and they come to us when they are most vunerable because they trust us. Now your little guy might be doing this because he might need you or he has gotten used to it. All I know is that my boy always goes back to his bed when he is ready and by that time I am ready for him to be in his bed. Listen to him and see if something is going on in his life and he just needs your comfort. Is he in preschool? Is he having any issues in school or daycare?
Jen

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C.H.

answers from Baton Rouge on

T.,
don't do anything. You said he goes to sleep in his own bed and comes to your bed sometime during the night. Tresure it. Soon he will be complaining if you want to kiss him goodnight. Welcome him in make him feel safe and loved. He will stop coming to your bed on his own and then you will miss him.

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R.P.

answers from Johnson City on

My son, who is now 28, did the same thing. He would cry but he "wasn't there", not awake. I would guide him to the bathroom, he would urinate and then go back to bed and that was it for the night.He outgrew it about age 6. I think that electric blankets are not recommended for smaller children but you might also try warming a small blanket in the dryer before he goes to bed and see if that might help. As for not letting him in your bed, I believe that it is good for children from time to time, increases their security to know that if they are scared, Mommy is there. Shame on the "experts"!

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S.S.

answers from Nashville on

Maybe he is sleep walking ? I would call your pediatrician and speak to he or her about it !

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B.X.

answers from Tulsa on

Unfortunately, I can't offer any good advice. I can't get my own 4 1/2 year old out of my bed! Most of that is because of DH, but I'm interested in reading the responses you get!

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H.C.

answers from Monroe on

I'll be honest... All 3 of my children have slept in our bed at some point. My daughter who will be six soon slept with us for the longest time. It all started when she got sick and I was afraid to have her all the way on the other side of the house. When we decided that we had had enough, we had to make ourselves get up and put her back in her bed. We made sure that we had a bedtime routine that we could stick to as much as possible and we would praise her every morning that she woke up in her bed. There were times she would get up four times during the night but still wake up in her bed (b/c we put her back)and we would still praise her. Like your son, she never realized that she was even doing it. Occasionally she will still come in our room but we tell her to go get back in bed and she does with no problems. I don't think you need to worry just be consistent with making him go back or putting him back in his bed. Good Luck!

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K.V.

answers from Memphis on

He will get over it on his own. I have 5 children and they have all been back and forth from our bed at one time or another. The best thing to do is just keep putting him back in his bed. As he gets older he won't want to be in your bed at all.

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M.S.

answers from Tuscaloosa on

Hey T., when i was younger i use to get up and go to my parents room and have conversations with my parents but i would be still asleep. Sounds to me like he is just sleep walkin. If he is still waking up refeshed in the mornin and acting right during the day that is what it is. Maybe the older he get the more he will get outta of it. If u r really concerned about this i would talk to his doctor and see what he thinks. Hope this helps u some.

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J.M.

answers from Clarksville on

T., I have a five year old daughter who did the same thing. Wake in the middle of the night and come to our bed and want to get in. She would answer me if I asked her somthing (sometimes I could understand what she said and other time not) and her eyes were open. So Ithought she was awake. I told the Doctor about it one time and he told me she was sleep walking. I bought a CD pack called the Delta Sleep Progam. It palys tones and sounds that help to trian the brain to sleep, a type of hypnosis but no words are used. So you dont have someone speaking into your childs brain. In about 1 month time after playing it all night for her she stopped it compleatly. She still likes to sleep in our bed on occassion especially when her Dad is gone but she is not sleep walking any more. The whole pack cost me about 20.00 for 3 CDs. She ask for her "music" to be on now when ever she is going to bed at night.

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J.I.

answers from Little Rock on

I am the mother of 4 daughters and one of mine had similar issues when she was younger. I would sit him down sometime during the day with you and your husband and tell him in a kind but authoritative way that after he goes to bed tonight, you expect him to stay in his room until morning. It might help to put a clock in his room and tell him he is not allowed to come out of his room except to go to the bathroom until whatever time you set....7am or whatever you choose. Then tell him if he can't take care of it on his own, you and your husband will have to help him take care of this problem by leading him back to his bed every time he enters your room. I think the key to this issue will be the consistancy that you lead him back. You might have a few nights without a lot of sleep so it might be best to begin this on a Friday night.
I hope this helps.....

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T.S.

answers from Little Rock on

You can try a homeopathic remedy for kids sleep problems called "Calms Forte 4 Kids".

You can also either just keep putting him physically in his bed EVERY time he gets up, letting him fuss some if need be. It's rough for a few nights, but usually works. You can also try making a pallet on the floor next to your bed and letting him sleep there a while and then putting him back in his own bed. Good luck.

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B.L.

answers from Memphis on

Sorry but I can't help it......you should have NEVER let him in your bed and should NEVER let him in it again. Lie down beside him in HIS bed if you HAVE to until he goes to sleep. After a few (long and terrible) nights, he will get out of the habit of sleeping with you. But you have to stick to it!! And stop feeling sorry for him because you have an electric blanket and he doesn't. Give him some special covers and he WILL stay warm without being in bed with you.

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T.T.

answers from Montgomery on

I say when he comes to your bed, let him sleep with you the remainder of the night. He may just need the extra security right now, but not know how to express it. He'll likely outgrow it on his own and then you'll be wishing he was back in your bed, instead of all grown up. GOOD LUCK

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