I am having a hard time with my 4 year old listening. Tonight my request was that the playroom get cleaned up before we watch any tv and get ready for bed. He just stayed silent when I asked him questions and yes I gave him time to answer without yelling at him. We are doing the Elf on the shelf for christmas so I was saying the elf is going to leave early and tell Santa that you are being naughty. He did not flinch or care that Santa was not going to bring him even 1 present. . He got sent to the corner because that is usually time out punishment and then sent to his room. I called him down for dinner and after he was done eating I told him he has one more chance to help clean up or he will spend the rest of the night in his room. I am really stressed and don't know the most effective way to handle it.
I want to clarify that I was in the playroom and helping and telling him what goes where and only doing one thing at a time. He chose to not listen and just started playing after picking up like 2 toys while I was cleaning. I was at eye level and talked to him calmly before he got sent to his room. No tv was on or other distractions. He just stood like a statue and did not respond to me.
I stuck with my decision to keep him in his room. And then he went to sleep. Today he woke up and said I am ready to help clean up. And so we cleaned up and then got rewarded with a cartoon and a hug. I explained to him that if he wants to be rewarded then he has to do his chores which is keeping the play room clean and putting away the toys he brings in the kitchen, living room etc.. so we don't trip on toys. I like the idea of setting a timer and making it a game though. I do also plan on making a good job board like at school and making sure we clean up toys as part of a routine.
At 4, I think they really need help and guidance to clean up a room like that. It can be an overwhelming task when everything is scattered everywhere. They don't have the organizational skills or the attention span to do it completely on their own. They also have to learn how to tidy up and organize their toys. Try telling him that you are going to go clean the playroom and then help give him direction and where he should start.
Ask him to do one thing, like put away all the cars, then go in and praise him when he's done that, then ask him to do one more thing, put away the blocks, etc give a hug when the blocks are done, then ask for one more thing and help him finish up. Otherwise its too overwhelming. in a preschool or Kindergarten he would play in one area then clean up that one area before leaving that area, they would never ask them to clean up a whole room. At home we allow them to play with lots of toys but they cant handle vague directions like clean up.
a young child like this, if told "clean your room...." often gets overwhelmed. They do NOT "know" instantly, how to clean the room, nor where to start, nor where 'you' want things, nor to do it just like you, the Mom.
So, they sit there.... either flustered or frustrated or tantrum about it, or just nothing, No response, because they are processing it... in their head... and TRYING to figure it out. But they do not know... that they can talk to you about it or ask for help or ask you to explain or ask you... for company while doing it. They assume... they cannot ask anything, nor for help... because then, they are being "naughty." THUS, their self-expression and communication.... in learning how to "ask" for help or clarification... is censored.
For YOUNG kids like this... they need encouragement... they need assistance even on 'how' to do it... they don't know, how to clean an ENTIRE room.... On their own, as though they were 12 years old. Not even a 12 year old, can do that, well... nor proficiently enough like an adult.
To me, this is a problem of "expectations" of the Adult... and it NOT being, age-appropriate....
all the best,
Susan
OK... time outs in the room are not time outs :( they just play unsupervised in there....he is thinking...sweet I get to go to my room and play. Time outs need to be in one place, I.E kitchen or chair where you can keep on eye on him. And they should only be 4 minutes! You should tell him after the 4 minutes are up why he is there (at his eye level) and then have him say sorry for xyz. Then hugs and thats it, let it go.
So for the presents... are you going to stick to not giving him presents? Then why did you say it? Bribery doesnt work...well it does but it WILL NOT produce the behavior you want to stick around.....
1.) Make a set of rules and explain the rules to him. I.E Rule number one(in the play room) is must be clean before dinner.
Instead of having him "spend the rest of the night in his room" you need to say something like "Im sorry honey its dinner time but the play room isnt clean yet. I know you're hungry but we have to do things in order."
2.) Remind him that he has XYZ time until dinner is ready. That way he chooses to pick it up on his time BUT always before dinner. Or you could ask him what time he would like to pick up the play room and then hold him to it. Just say "Honey remember you said that 4:30 is when you wanted to pick up the play room" And then make sure he knows the consequences for not doing it. Consequence could be if you have to clean it up then the next day he cant play in it.
AND "one more chance" has to go.... you get them to set a time limit for when they want to do it and then if that passes then the consequences apply.
The object is to get them to feel like they have a choice. When really we are setting the boundries with giving them 2 choices that we can live with. It helps them feel like they have achoice in what they do and we dont have to threaten because the consequences are clear.
And then you dont lose it you just say "im so sorry honey I know you must be upset but remember what we agreed upon with the playroom. It had to be cleaned by dinner."
Supernanny is an awesome show!!!!! It works like a charm
I don't feed any of my kids when the toys are out. First of all, I never ask a child to do something I won't help with. I will pick up some of the toys. I won't pick them all up. They WILL NOT eat until they get their share picked up. If they go hungry for hours, it will only take once or twice and they won't do it again unless they know you'll cave because you have or do cave all the time.
YAY Mommy B. !!!!! Exactly what I would say!! Super Nanny is the best!!!
sounds like he heard but didn't comply. If he's not listening, I advise you to got to him, get down on his level so that you can look him in the eye and state your request. Then, in the case of picking up toys, begin to pick them up with him by handing him a toy. If the TV is on or there is any other distraction turn it off. Usually,if there is nothing to distract a 4 yo and they have heard you they will do as asked.
I wouldn't use a threat, even of Santa's elf, to get him to do something. He needs to do it because it's the right thing to do. Sending him to his room when he doesn't comply is good. Just do it soon, before you run out of patience.
No need to stress. Tell him to do it while being sure to capture his attention and making it easy for him to comply. If he doesn't do it, he goes to his room until he's ready to come out and do it. In my daughter's house he could come out for dinner but he'd go right back to his room if he doesn't agree while at the table to pick up the toys. This is done calmly and in a matter of fact tone of voice. Either he does it or he doesn't and spends the time in his room. No stress.
You cannot make kids do anything. You can only set it up so that they choose to do it. And listening is a learned skill. We have to teach them to not only listen but to also hear what we say. That often means interrupting them when they're busy and getting down on their level and in their face so that they can see us.
My daughter has been doing this since her youngest was around 4 (he's now 7) and it's now rare that he spends any more than 5-15 minutes before coming out to apologize and do what he was told. Sometimes, all it takes is saying, "guess it's time to go to your room" and he immediately apologizes and does what he's been asked to to.
Tell your son ahead of time that this is the new plan. Then be consistent in enforcing it. He'll learn. My grandchildren can do whatever they want in their room but yet they come out and apologize and do what they were asked to do in a very short time.
I think your problem is 2 fold. First, I agree with the other moms that you need to give very specific directions. I try to keep it light with my kids, I say Bianca you clean up the dress up clothes, Bennett you clean up the cars and Annika you clean up the coloring stuff. Then when those are put away, I move on to new "assignments". It makes them feel more important by having a "job" that they are in charge of.
Secondly, your child is 4. My middle daughter is turning four in a few weeks and she has been the number one terror in our house. She is exerting her independence all over the place. She thinks she is in charge and can do what she wants and get what she wants all the time. She is back talking and has a terrible attitude most of the time. I think she is trying to find her place in this ever changing world and with the holiday hustle and bustle she is just outright confused. I try to reiterate that she's only 3 and that what mommy and daddy ask of her she needs to listen. It's a long tough road, but you just need to be consistent, despite how much they drive us crazy. Just hang in there, it will get better.
Uh huh. Been there. I feel your pain. Someone once told me their way of dealing with it and it was pure genius!
Give him 1 minute to start picking up (I usually start with a specific item: I want you to put all your blocks in the basket). Let him know that if he doesn't start picking up, you're going to throw away 1 of those toys. Pick up the toy that will be "hostage", then walk away or sit back and relax for 1 minute (if you have timer, even better). At 1 minute, without fanfare, simply walk to the big trash can (the one that goes in the street) and dump it in. Give him less amount of time each time, and be prepared to lose some toys to the trash, and deal with a major tantrum or two. He'll need a couple of examples of oh-yeah-I-guess-Mom-really-is-boss treatment to get the idea. But I'd be will ing to bet you won't have to do it more than twice. Then, when it's time to clean up again, take a hostage and keep it until everything's cleaned up.
Heartless? Absolutely. But you're not in this to win friends; you're in it to civilize your little guy so the rest of the world can stand him. It's in the parenting job description.
Worked great for my 4-year-old barbarian. I'm sure it'll work for you, too.
I have a "strong willed" 4 year old as well, and it amazes me how well she knows how to control situations. I'll tell her she can't play with a certain toy if she has bad behavior, and she responds by saying "I don't care, I don't want to play with that anyway..."
What I find works the best for getting her to pick up is #1 - try to make a game out of it. Maybe say, "I'm going to set the timer for 2 minutes, if you can pick up 10 or 20 toys, you're the winner!" You don't even have to have a prize, it's just the idea of making it a game.
#2 - I explain that if she can't pick these things up, then she's not responsible enough to play with them and I will take the toys that she doesn't pick up away. I have even thrown out small toys to prove my point. I don't like having to throw things away, but I can tell you that it DEFINITELY makes an impact. Then, the next time I threaten to throw something away, she knows I'm not kidding.
Personally, I don't feel that time outs are effective when it comes to getting a child to help clean up. Just find what works, and stick with it - Consistency is the key! :)
Good Luck!
At 4 he isn't sure what cleaning is, true! BUT, in your explanation, you were pretty clear on the directions and what you needed. Yeah, maybe telling him to put all the blocks away first, then all the cars, then the legos might have helped clarify for him. At 4, he is also testing what you will and will not allow him to get away with.
I have bagged up items lift laying around and done an inventory of them and taken them to Goodwill. I have no problem with them not cleaning when asked or removing the items from the home. I have even checked a game that was in the bag for all the pieces and if missing, had the child find them and add them to the box. I take the kids with me to donate the items, letting the person receiving them that my kids aren't keeping the items picked up therefore another child may have the items.
I never gave my kids empty threats or "one more time" stuff. They were given till 3 on 1 and 2 it was only fingers up. If I had to get to 3 it was done very silently and obviously. The boys learned very quickly that when the finger came up, Mom meant business.
Helping clean up is great and will teach him the way it sould be done. Good luck!
