4 Year Old Anger and Bad Behavior Issues.

I agree with the moms who recognize that kids need some time to relax and refresh at the end of the day. They've been on good behavior and someone else's schedule all day. They are tired, hungry, and often in need of a quiet cuddle with mommy, but they may still be too on edge to recognize what their needs are.

Even as an adult I can't bear the thought of running additional errands right after a demanding day at work. I think that's why "Happy Hour" is such a successful concept.

Is this consistently happening, as you note, in "the first 10 minutes" after she comes home from preschool?

First, she very possibly is hungry and has low blood sugar making her very cranky; offer her a snack immediately in the car when you pick her up. She may say "I'm not hungry" but offer anyway, every single time. Offer something high-protein like a cheese stick along with a few crackers. Don't wait until you get home to give her a snack. Does her preschool's schedule have her snacking or lunching there, and if so, what time exactly is she last eating before pickup? Is there a long time (for her, not by adult standards) between her last food at preschool and her pickup time? Do you send her preschool food/snack yourself or does the preschool provide it? Is the snack sugary (cookies, gummies, sugary punches and juices)? If so, the sugary snack is burning off way too fast, leaving her even hungrier and crankier -- simple sugars burn up in the body much, much faster than slow-burning proteins. Change her snack at preschool and give her a snack in the car and see if that helps.

Second, she may be tired and at the same time very wound up immediately after preschool, both weary and over-excited. Again, what is the exact routine of the preschool day? Examine it, observe it if you can, and see what she's doing most days in the hour or so before departure. She may need more sleep at night, or a shorter preschool day, or some other adjustment.

The one incident at the dog park is unfortunate but if it's not typical, it's possible she was melting down because of hunger or tiredness. She was angry and embarrassed and so were you. Did you ask her later -- when she was calm and you were too -- whether something in the bathroom frightened her? If the toilet seemed dirty to her? Some kids are very picky about clean toilets. Did you ask if someone else was in there (NOT talking about molestation here at all -- just about how some kids become too embarrassed to "go" if there is anyone else around who is a stranger who might even hear them pee). She may have had a reason why she was frightened, even a little bit, to use the bathroom. Letting her go alone is your choice, and I am NOT slamming it; but you need to explore gently with her whether she dislikes going alone; she may actually still want you to go into bathrooms with her. It's not "backsliding" or making her babyish if she wants that at four. It's nice if you feel she's independent enough to do it, and she may say "I'm grown up and don't need you," but kids often will say that when they really do want their parents closer.

The swats, well, I am against any swatting or spanking, even taps. That's your choice too, but ask yourself how swats teach her anything, any changes to her behavior, in this situation. They punish but don't teach.

Wow, I wish this was a phone call instead of a post.

Your daughter has to hold it together all day in preschool. She needs an outlet. Right now what is happening is she is tired, hungry and just needs to be able to be "herself" when she gets out of school.

Lots of parents make the mistake of thinking the moment their children are back in their presence the child will be able to answer a million questions.. How was your day, what did you do, who did you play with?

Imagine being in a new stressful job all day long where you are totally learning new things all day long. Your spouse picks you up and immediately starts asking "what did you do today?" "How was your day?" "What do you want to do for dinner,?" "I need to run some errands so you are going to go with me." AAAAAhhhhh!

Then when you balk, he "swats you (firm tap on the butt) not hard spanks" to get you to change your attitude. It would not end well here.

She is 4. She has feelings. They are frustration, exhaustion, and hunger after the long day of being good, happy, attentive and busy.

You can fix this first by, having a snack and a drink for her in the car on the way home. Give her a few minutes to calm down.. maybe have a rest period at home. Maybe she still needs/wants you to go with her to the potty at the park. At least to know you are next to the door or the building.
We can all get spooked at times.

It is good to have an independent child, but keep in mind she is still a young child. Always ask her or say to her. I know you can go alone to the potty. Give her a moment. but do you want me to stand over there.. Or.. do you want me to walk you over there?

This is a good time to work out what works best because next year in kinder.. it will be even more exhausting for her. She will be wiped out at the end of her day.

Look into love and logic. They have cd's and books. Jim Fay is the author.

It works a lot on giving choices, and punishments fitting the crime. Example, coloring on stuff other than paper.. Crayons go up. Can't play nicely (you get to spend some alone time). Plus of course simple stuff like (I will listen when you talk nicely). The car is leaving in 5 minutes. If I have to put your toys away, I'm putting them in 'storage'.

The not wanting to pee in a porta-potty (if that's what it was), can't say as I blame her. I'm sure she didn't care for the natural consequence of peeing her pants (being wet). But it may have been the lesser of 2 evils at the time.

Just remember, she is a person with feelings too and she still has a lot of learning and growing to do. Next time she has issues going in a specific toilet, find out why she didn't want to use the toilet. She's probably got reasons that seem mighty good to her.

Wow, you have received amazing advice!

Read the book, give her attention - and remember, "Don't sweat the small stuff, and it's all small stuff." The beauty of washing machines is, when a 4 year old wets her pants on purpose, you can just throw them in.

Breathe, relax.

Now go cuddle your daughter and play games with her for 1/2 hour.

Have you tried just some one on one time with her alone, maybe not taking the Dog for one of the walks? It sounds to me like she is seeking your attention, whether it be negative or positive. Four year olds, as we all know can be very demanding! I give you credit for trying all of the different methods that you explained. You didn't mention if there was a Daddy involved in her life? I feel that kids (in most situations) are going to immulate the behavior that they are exposed to. At four, just about everything she does is learned behavior. How do you and those around you communicate with each other when times are challenging or stressful?

Read the book "Raising Your Spirited Child." My daughter is 4 1/2 and is quite spirited. The scenario you describe is familiar to me. "Spirited Child" gave me some great insight into both her behavior and my reaction. It made me feel better about myself as a parent and about my child's behavior and has really improved the way we interact with each other. Get the book! You will be happy you did! Good luck.

Like some others commented...sounds like she is seeking attention. My son was having accidents on purpose for attention because we have a 10 month old that, of course, requires more attention. We have also found that he goes through stages where he wants to be independednt and the "big" brother but then reverts to wanting more attention. Maybe she wanted more help, or at least you to offer it. I know it's impossible to know what they are thinking at times...so I always ask!