My son is 4 and for some weeks now he’s gotten a whole new personality. He pretends he’s fighting bad guys, pretends he holds a gun and is shooting the bad guys (my husband I are wondering where he’s gotten all this… as we never let him watch violent stuff… he’s been on Thomas & Friends, Koala Brothers, Caillou, pretty much same stuff all the time ). He refuses to listen, he uses every opportunity to disobey and of course the more we correct him the worst it gets. I have not kept up my reading on development at this stage... it must be a phase... their sense of self getting stronger… testing limits. But we are getting quite frustrated and the whole dynamic in the house is off. Where is our old, good behaved son, we wonder?! Up to now we could convince him of things with patience and love, reason things out… but now he blocks off at a start, as if he’s thinking “oh, no here goes Mommy again.. yada, yada, yada!” I know he's only 4, but I need some new tactics as this old stuff’s not working anymore! We use time-outs, but they are not correcting behavior any longer… his behavior is plain annoying at times and he KNOWS it! It’s as if he’s looking for the reaction… Are there any new tricks I can learn? ;)
You said the more you correct him the worse it gets. Therefore, you should ignore it.
It's pretty typical and normal boy behavior. I suggest you keep him involved in activities, and don't worry about his pretend shooting. It's not the worst thing in the world, and it doesn't mean he will grow up violent.
It's normal.
The disobedience and limit testing definitely needs to be addressed. Love and Logic, as Angie suggested is great. As for the pretend fighting and shooting, that is normal development and will probably continue for a long time. It's not about violence, it's about facing "bad" things in the world and developing confidence that good will overcome bad. It doesn't mean you need to go out and buy him toy weapons if that's something you're against. But he will make a weapon out of anything (hands, legos, sticks, pretzels, sand toys, etc), and that doesn't mean he will grow up to become a violent criminal. Kids don't have the ability to work through their fears and concerns verbally like adults do. Instead, it comes out in play. The play fighting rules in my home are: 1. No pointing weapons at faces 2. If someone says stop, you stop immediately 3. No one person is singled out as the bad guy - either 2 even groups, or everyone on the same team fighting an imaginary bad guy 4. If they get too wild and/or someone gets hurt, I stop them immediately for a set period of time.
Get Jim Fay's Love and Logic books. There is one specifically for the toddler age too. (www.loveandlogic.com) Providing choices that are ok with you will allow your son to explore his new found autonomy and independence yet keep him within boundaries that are safe and acceptable. These strategies show him that everything has a consequence and he has some say in that control vs. the perception of mom and dad are always telling me what to do, which results in power struggles or resistance to comply. The best thing about these strategies is it isn't a way to "one up" or apply a band-aid for the moment until the next big challenge happens. It is a way to build a solid foundation that creates a loving and empathetic relationship that grows with your child into adulthood. Jim Fay is a phenomenal speaker and offers valuable workshops to parents and teachers often. Those would be great to look into as well because they really help train you to use the strategies effectively too. They have a great facebook page as well. Good luck!
HTH,
A.
I could have written your post--except I have a 2 yr old that is following suit and if not following suit instigating a lot of the chaos in our house. My once sweet little boy who was always willing to share, help his little bro is now shooting (which the youngest hates) throwing toys, being a little vindictive, emotional outburst I swear he's a teenager. I can't reason or even talk to him because he's screaming, crying so loudly!!! so he's had a lot of bedroom time. Seems to be the only thing that works for him--he'll come out when he's ready and say "I'm done throwing my fit and ready to listen with a happy heart = good attitude." Lasts for 30 minutes and he's back in there...lol.
Hope you find some good advice and I'm eager to see what works for those who've been there already...
http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/4017124414855512065
Here's a link to my exact same question. They all gave some good advice there as well.
I can give you good news: just when you think you're about to take up alcoholism as a hobby, he will turn around and be the kid you always knew you had.
Remain consistant. I found that when his teachers at day care gave him a choice to participate or to roll around on the floor/be disruptive and gave him consequences to his choices, it was like night and day. but I'm lucky in that the day care and I stayed on constant contact so that we didn't become complacent.
I have talked to my ped. and she says it's a phase if there is no other underlying issue. I'd also consider making sure he's not hypoglycemic. I found that when he ate smaller meals (he eats breakfast, then a yogurt or babana then lunch and then another snack and then a snack when he gets up) throughout the day, he seemed to focus better. Might wanna try that. My Dr told me that it is plausible that he was going too long without eating therefore dropping his bloodsugar and then voila...rambunctious kid.
Good luck to you. I been there. I'm sending good thoughts your way.
Post House Rules in the kitchen.
Review the rules with him 2x per day.
Give O. warning, then give the consequence (whatever that looks like in your house).
Repeat until he's 18!
At 4, timeouts were a joke with my son. A better alternative? Take away something he really likes (toy, show, game, etc.) for the day.
Don't forget to "catch him doing something right" as well! And praise that.
I think all boys are natural born soldiers. It is very normal for boys to run around and pretend to shoot bad guys. In my opinion this is not a behavior you need to stop. But if it bothers you perhaps just make sure you are introducing him to other things as well. You also might suggest he goes and plays it in another room. Please don't punish him for using his imagination. My 3 1/2 year old was drawing a picture the other day and I said "oh honey what a nice guy you are drawing". 3 1/2 year old proceeded to draw on the picture I asked "what is that?" his reply... "those are his blood and guts" um yeah typical little boy :) as for his disobedience that is a problem. In my house three strikes works pretty well. After they get three strikes and a time out with each strike they lose a bigger priveledge.
You said it yourself - he's looking for the reaction. He's looking to see where the boundaries are and what the consequences are going to be. So, IMO you need to clamp down hard right now so he can find those boundaries. From now on, you tell him one time. No 1, 2, 3 BS - one time and then swift and sure consequence. Until he figures out that you mean business, his "experiment" will continue.
Good luck!
My son is 5.5 and we have had the shoot'em up stuff going on for awhile. He was raised on Caillou and Thomas too. It's normal. They can pick up this stuff thru osmosis almost. He has picked up some of it thru preschool/kindergarten-often kids with older siblings know about this stuff earlier than kids who don't have them. He would also start playing with slightly older kids at parks (like 5-6 yr olds when he was 4) and got some o f it there too. It's really almost everywhere if you look closely. I did also notice as he started to age out of Thomas/Caillou etc. and we started letting him watch Tom and Jerry/Scooby Doo (he saw them at his cousins) that the cartoon network stations (as opposed to Sprout/PBS) have far more commercials for all age kids and that they are specifically directed at kids. He has taken a keen liking to all commercials, particularly ones involving fighting. Ah well. My son has also gone through a very rough patch regarding behavior as well. Not necessarily related to his increased interest in slightly more mature cartoons or interest in fighting. I have posted questions here many times! I came to realize that he was aging out of time outs too. He was refusing to go and I was having to put him there kicking and screaming.He was no longer upset by being "out of the play loop" like when he was younger, he just stayed pissed that that I was not recognizing that he feels should be able to do what he wants. We have started a more effective tactic of taking important toys or priviledges away, whether it be no markers for two days(he loves to color/draw), no Scooby Doo, no bike riding, no playdate with a friend, no wearing his 49ers hat for 2 days, no dessert etc. He is also sent to his room until he calms down if he throws too much of a tantrum when he hears what the consequence will be. Just be clear what behaviors will result in a severe loss of priviledge. It will get better. It slowly has been improving over the last year. What we are faced with now that he is in kindergarten, is that he is drawn to the out of control kids who are always in trouble, and therefore he has been in trouble at school a couple of times. Again he gets a consequence. He is talked to about using his own brain and if he knows something is wrong then to stop it, even if others are doing it. We have not forbidden him to play with whomever he wants at school-that would make these kids even more appealing. Practice, practice-he won't learn appropriate behavior without making a few mistakes. He is improving. Your kid will too over time. They are really starting to develop minds of their own and we shouldnt' squash that unless the behavior is truly unacceptable. It's hard because as parents we want everything OUR way. Hmmmm, I guess some things never change even though we are grown!
I would say try to figure out why he is misbehaving...is it for attention or are you involved in a power struggle? It also could just be the 4 year old boy thing:)
