3Yr Old Behavior Change....

You cannot reason with an angry person even it that person is 3 years old. When anyone is angry it's human nature to strike out at the person trying to physically hold them. The logical thing to do was to put him down and stay out of his reach. This may mean returning to the house. Put him down and let him have his tantrum.

Instead of time outs, try putting him in a cozy place so that he can cool off. But only do this if he's not physically tantruming. The best way to handle a tantrum is to ignore it.

Have you tried diversion instead of saying no? "You can't have the TV control but you can have this truck with the buttons on it." If he starts to punch, kick, etc. ignore him. Stay out of his way. Once he calms down tell him that you can't let him hurt you. Then send him to his room or a quiet corner you've arranged and tell him it seems he needs some quiet time to get himself together.

He doesn't have to nap. He may have outgrown the need. But he can rest. Again have a quiet place for him to play quietly.

How do you teach him to stay in time out or in his room or in a quiet place? You spend several days calmly and consistently putting him back in the space. You do this calmly, unemotionally.

It's so easy to get angry when our child is angry. We also feel out of control. It helps to realize that you have all the power and he's wanting to be more in charge. Find ways that he can make decisions. He can choose toys. He can choose clothes. He can choose food. YOu decide on two alternatives and give him a choice.

This might work with time outs. First don't try to put him in a time out while he's throwing a tantrum. Wait until he's expended his angry energy. Then give him the choice of a time out on a chair or go to his room for some quiet time.

Sounds like you're having power struggles. Find ways to back out before you get upset. If he sees that you don't get upset and will enforce the rules he's less apt to throw a tantrum.

The hitting is caused by you trying to confine him. Do not attempt to touch him when he's angry.

Car seat: He won't allow himself to be buckled in and starts physically fighting, step away and wait for him to calm down. Don't expect an apology at this point. Just buckle him in. It's been my experience that preschoolers cannot out wait a parent. It may take 10-15 minutes but you've saved yourself a physical battle.

He doesn't have to eat. I suggest you try giving him choices of what to eat at least part of the time. Getting a child to eat is also a frequent post on this site. Fix one thing each meal that you know he likes. If he eats, fine. If he doesn't fine. No snacks later. He won't starve. He will eat when he's hungry if he's not engaged in a power struggle.

Your son is testing the boundaries and wanting more independence. Find ways to give him some control and he'll fight you less. It will also help if you can accept that you cannot force him to do anything. I suggest that some of your physical battles is you staying involved with the idea that it's your responsibility to force compliance. You cannot. You can provide consequences once the tantrum is over. You have to consistently provide a consequence that you can enforce every time he doesn't follow the rules. If you can't calmly make him stay in his chair by repeatedly returning him to his chair it's better to find a different consequence.

Hmmmm, it sounds like he has a lot of anger toward you. I don't mean to sound harsh AT ALL, but are you spending enough quality playtime with him and reading to him, etc.? I'm just throwing this out there from my own experience. My daughter is the same age and when I'm occupied with other things and my sister is watching her, she treats me horribly...like the red-headed stepchild! On a good note, he clearly has the ability to calm down, because your Mom was able to get him in a better place. So, he's not completely out of control. I would have some floor playtime with him and let him be in charge. Also, ask him why he gets so mad at mommy? And, does he need more hugs and kisses, to play with you more, help you with things (chores, cooking..) etc, etc. With a lot of love, patience and change I see this as a passing phase.

.

Setting Limits with Young Children
by Patty Wipfler
When children are under stress they lose their patience, their love of fun, their easygoing ability to make each day a good one. At these times, they tend to do things that don't make sense. They'll begin to squabble, to insist on having things someone else has, or to want one thing after another, without gaining satisfaction.

At times like these, we parents can play a very positive role. We can set limits on our children's behavior in order to help them relieve the stress they are under, and regain their innate good judgment and joy in cooperation. When you think your child is being unreasonable, here are the steps to follow.

Listen

Get down so you are at eye level, and simply ask what's going on. Ask your child to tell you why she's yelling, or why she has to have the blue dress that's in the wash. She needs to talk about the upset she feels, if possible, to someone who isn't upset too.

Limit

If she is insisting on unreasonable behavior, you must step in. Tell her what you think is reasonable, and then make sure that her unreasonable behavior doesn't continue. If your child is yelling at her brother, ask her to stop. If she can't stop, pick her up gently and bring her with you into another room. If she's throwing toys in anger, put your hand on the toy she's about to throw, and say, “I won't let you throw that.” If she is insisting on having a fifth cookie, bring her into your lap, away from the cookies, and tell her, “Not now.” Later, you can have another, but not now. No punishment is needed, no lectures are needed, and no harshness is needed. Simply step in.

Children who are under stress can't think well. They can't process what we tell them, so they don't do what we ask. You must expect this, and step in, gently but firmly, to see that they don't continue to do irrational things.

Listen

This is the "stress release" step—the one that will help your child immensely. After you have stepped in to prevent your child from doing things that don't make sense, she will most likely begin to cry, storm, or tantrum. This is constructive. It is your child's way of getting rid of the tension that made her unreasonable in the first place. If you can stay close while she cries or storms, she will continue until she has regained her ability to listen, to be cooperative, and to make the best of the situation at hand.

You might also want to listen to our recorded teleseminar Setting Limits without Saying "Time-Out!"

Tough to keep your cool when this happens. Try to stay calm, keep your distance and consider if maybe he's hungry, thirsty, tired etc. Ask him "How can I help you? What do you need sweetie?" If that does absolutely nothing, then he needs a place to let out his anger until he calms down (usually place of choice is their room). Ask him several times throughout the day "How are you feeling?" Along with that, start expressing how you feel when certain things happen (the whole monkey see monkey do... he'll catch onto new ways to express himself). It will help increase communications, especially with frustration. Children get so frustrated because they don't know how to express how they feel, so they resort to a tantrum to get the message across.

Now naps and meals... He might not require naps anymore. See how he does a couple days in a row without naps, unless you know he still needs them SAVE YOUR SANITY! Meals... This is what you get, take it or leave it. If he leaves it, don't be pushy. Simply save his plate and wait until he approaches you when he's hungry. Serve him the same plate of food. He will eventually eat it I PROMISE. Once he realizes that's his only option, it's chow time.

Timeouts are difficult to get established as punishment at first, but it's all a matter of consistency. Set him on the TO chair and stay close by because he's going to get up. Set him back down without a word and again stay close by. It goes like that until they finally learn that they are not going anywhere unless they sit there for awhile. Once they understand TO's introduce a kitchen timer (handheld ones with the dial you turn). They learn they can get out from TO once it dings.

Finally, if this behavior gets worse and you are uncomfortable with it... I would try (I'm using "try" loosely) to record it and get with your pediatrician or a child psychologist and see what they suggest. Good Luck Mama ((HUGS))

If that were my child... he'd have gotten a good 5 swats on the butt, a good loud stern reprimand to "Stop it this instant or you will get another spanking" and if I were to implement time outs, it would be in a chair with a harness - like a car seat. I don't play when it comes to harmful and inappropriate behavior. Annoying behavior is a completely different matter.

Your passive parenting, he's not taking seriously - like most children would not.

Do not try to offer excuses for such extreme raging tantrums by saying he's loosing out on sleep and eating. If he was hungry, he'd eat, as for the lack of a nap, many children stop napping during the day by 2 years old.

This sounds to me like an accident waiting to happen. If he is allowed to continue in this direction he just may run out into traffic and end his own struggles. I have only had a few children that have ever thrown fits like this in the daycare. I wasn't having it and I would put them to bed and I would make them stay. They will stay for me because I will hold them tight enough they can't move and I have the good sense to protect myself from head butting. Let a child spend all their energy while being held in your arms and they will decide that that kind of huge emotional fit is not getting them anyplace with you.

I'm not saying they will stop tantruming. Once I have a child throw a couple fits where I have to hold them, they will go to a nap mat and say there and scream and make the fool of themselves without running around. When they act like that I can and I do ignore and pretend it doesn't matter to me. I have a good poker face. So these emotional fits end with me. But I just keep hearing how they keep going with the parents.

One child in particular was just recently put on drugs to handle his tantrums at home and it breaks my heart because I don't agree that he needs to be drugged.

But another child that used to behave that way left for school and has been out of my daily life for I think 3 years. He's 11 now and he spent some time in a mental institution recently. He's depressed and he wants to die.

There is no good excuse to allow a child to behave this way and spiral down into a place where he ends up being a suicide statistic or drugged into oblivion.

If you can figure out what he needs now and do it you can avoid this long and terrible downward spiral. But if you are not willing to take this boy in hand and unable to do so, you may as get involved with the psychologists now and get him on the drugs early so that you can at least have some peace and maybe avoid the big emotional downward spiral.

I honestly believe that you being his mother are the only one that can end this thing while he's young enough for it to matter. A couple of well timed spankings (after you and he both calm down) would make it crystal clear to him that he is not going to be allowed to behave this way.

But, as I said, I've been able to control these tantrums in my house without the spankings. It takes a very strong hand to make them understand they will stay on their tantrum spot, wherever you choose. Whatever you do and however you do it, DO NOT LET him destroy things. There is no good reason to EVER allow a child to destroy things because he's throwing a tantrum.

You are expecting way too much from a 3 yr old who is not even developmentally mature enough to understand your logic. At this age, all he knows is his needs and wants them met. Likewise you want your needs met but if you are mature adult, you would need to model the behavior to teach him, which is showing him respect, listening, validating his concerns and redirecting him to something else which in turn will teach him to divert himself when he gets angry. You can take all drastic measures using your parental power (time outs, spanking, punishing, taking away toys, denying food, friends, etc.) to bring him into compliance, which may work but these will break your child's spirit or make him more defiant, feel unloved, and resentful towards you. These will not teach him long term value that you really want him to teach - respect, understanding, love, kindness, consideration. He will learn that people who are bigger than him can use power to control and he might try the same with kids younger than him to bully them.

I highly recommend that you read:
- How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk by Elaine Mazlish and Adele Faber.
-Raising your spirited child by Mary Sheedy Kuricinka
- Punished by Rewards and Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn
- Smart Love by Martha and William Pieper.

Best,
-Rachna