3Yo Daughter with Asperger's That Refuses to Potty Train.....

My son has Aspergers. He wasn't fully potty trained until 4. The regular toilet seemed to work best. He didn't understand the potty chair idea since he was a little too big for it. He also liked to watch an adult and kids at daycare. One day, it finally clicked, although going poop in the toilet took a little longer. I think you have done all you can do. Keep trying. The way their brains are wired, and the way they get easily distracted, it takes longer.

I have two daughters with autisum. My youngest is Asperger's. What I ended up doing was putting them into big girl underware, and putting them on the toilet offen. They both potty trained that. I found that they like to be thought of as big girls. Hope this might work for you.
E.

Hi C.,

My grandson is also 3 1/2, autistic, and is suspected to be challenged by Asperger's. We are fortunate that he his potty trained, except for night-time, although you never can predict when he might take off his clothes, pull down his pants, or pee on a tree outside. Aren't these kids interesting?

These kids for sure pick up on and react to the energy and stress around them. What's the saying?... Kids, dogs, and bees can smell fear. Our kids are doing the best they can to control their environment, and where they pee and where they poop is an important last hold-out for them.

As hard and frustrating as it is, don't react to poop or pee in a negative way. As much as possible ignore offering any reaction to what is not working, and over-celebrate what is working.

Share an ongoing conversation about how cool it is to go on the potty, and allow her to watch you in the process. Celebrate others in the house going potty in the toilet. Don't force, but keep the invitation coming.

Find a way to make it a game. Look for an interest or stim she might have and associate it somehow with the toileting process. Back off at the first sign of resistance, and allow it to be a process. The more you insist, the more she will resist, so remain calm. These kids are so sensory sensitive that the noise of the whole bathroom thing can be overwhelming for them. Summer will help, too, when she can run around with little or no clothes on.

Gut related issues contribute to all their symptoms, so if you haven't already, consider adjusting her diet to GF/CF. I highly recommend Jenny McCarthy's books, and I just read a great free (free is good) downloadable book (as if we have time to read!) that explains the food/autism relationship. You can access it at: http://www.scribd.com/doc/12842657/Gut-and-Psychology-Syn...

I would be happy to imagine more possibilities with you if you want to email me at ____@____.com can then determine best how to connect.

Take a deep breath. This is a challenging hurdle to clear. It seems so important we collaborate and ask. We are blessed (gulp) to have these kids who seem to be here to tell us how broken our environment is. We have to link arms and apply what they are teaching us.

Hope that helped.

R. (Grandma Tutu)

If you are concerned that her Asperger's may interfere with her potty training then speak to your pediatrician or whoever you see for early treatment of Aspergers.

I can't speak for children with autism spectrum disorders, but my niece, who does not have any developmental issues and is other wise perfectly healthy, wasn't really interested in potty training until well after her 3rd birthday. She flat out refused to use the potty until she realized that her friends in pre-school were already potty trained.
She is almost 4 now and still in diapers at night. Her pediatrician said that there was nothing to worry about and that some kids just need longer and advised not to try to force it.

She is likely just not ready - usually once a child is ready they start to show some interest. My older daughter has sensory delays and showed no interest...ever. We did all the tips, tried everything, grandma bought her forty (yes, 40)pairs of panties that my daughter picked out, we promised her pierced ears.. anything. Finally a teacher was able to get her interested in sitting on the potty when she was 4 1/2. She still refused to work on it much. One day, a couple weeks before her 5th birthday, my child who had refused panties and only wanted diapers until that point, woke up and refused the diaper and wanted panties. She's been potty trained ever since with only a few accidents.

I think, for my daughter, her sensory issues may have played a part. It's hard to know when you have to go when your body gives you insufficient sensory info. If your daughter has sensory issues in her Aspergers, you might want to ask her OT about the potty training.

Either way, until she shows interest, don't put too much pressure on her as it will just create a struggle and more difficulties. Keep trying to get her to sit on the potty, read books about potty, talking about how fun it is to use the potty... eventually, she's show some interest or let you know when she's ready.

My younger daughter, also with delays, is 3 1/2.. also no interest in potty training. We'll get there! So will you! Good Luck!

HI C.,
My daughter has high functioning autism and so I know what you are going thru. My best advice is to let her do it in her own time, but what did help for my daughter is that we never used pull ups. She did not make the connection that they were any different from diapers. I had to clean up a lot of potty with her, but it did not take her too long to use the toilet. She did not want to use a little potty, she wanted to use our potty as that is what is normal. These kids are extremely smart and so sometimes things for them are a big more tricky for us to find out what will work. SHe just turned 5 and we recently trained her to poop on the potty too. I had told her the only way she could get this toy she wanted is she had to poop on the toilet. After much hesitation she went poop on the toilet, but she only pooped out one turd! So we went to buy the toy and later that day she had to poop more and decided since she had the toy she was going to go in the diaper. SO we again had to tell her is she chose to go in the diaper the toy would be put away. So away it went. ( that was hard for me, but I had to stick to it) she would ask for her toy all the time and we kept telling her the only way to get it back was to poop in the toilet. About 8 days later, she did it. Then the smart little girl says we go to toy r us and get new toy? I made a deal with her and brought out a sticker chart and told her when she had 10 poops in the toilet we would buy her 1 more toy and that was all. She after three poops, she went in and pushed out 7 turds and said, we go to toy r us? Little stinker! Anyway, it was funny and it finally worked. It tooks us awhile too. Feel free to email me if you want to connect and talk. I know how it is!!!!I will also give you my number if you want to talk too.
____@____.com
Good luck!!
B.

There are three things you cannot make a toddler do, eat, sleep, and poop on command...(sigh) other wise they have trained you.

I would suggest, and this is just a suggestion, that you back off. Leave the new potty in place, put the pull-ups in a place she can reach them, and don't say a word--not a word about the toilet training. If she is smart, she will begin to bug you about the toilet training after a while. Let her.

But don't reward her. Going to the toilet should be it's own reward.

Good luck.

Hi C. - I agree with the other moms. When dealing with a kid that has disabilities regardless of what kind we all have to remember they function/think "different" than a typical kid. For my youngest he took much longer than my older son. We did try the sticker chart & other things but it again was when he was ready. I also have friend that has a 15 yr old son with disabilities and she still has to help him in the bathroom. It will all depend on where each child is AT and IF they are ready to try something "new". Just give it time and it will get there, I know that you are tired of diapers/pull ups but it will get better.

One question... with her particular disability (all Asperger kids are different) do "dirty" things bother her? If so maybe see about moving her to the potty training pants that lets the child get "wet", she might not like that feel and force herself to try the big potty on her own?? But then again some kids don't care yet or put 2 and 2 together. Just remember to not put too much stress on her or you and it will happen. God Bless

My daughter is 12 and has been very recently (within the past 2 weeks) diagnosed with HFA (High Functioning Autism). I remember when she was little trying to get her to potty train. Looking back, it makes much more sense, the challenges we faced with the whole issue. She basically refused to fully potty train until she was ready... almost 5. Every time I expressed concern over this to her pediatrician, I was waved off as the over-reactive mom. Now that I know a little bit about how Autism works... very little, admittedly... I know that her body and brain do not communicate like yours and mine. She may have had much longer time for her brain to learn the signal for having to potty. I still know that she has to pee before she does and need to remind her to go use the potty. She will tell me she doesn't have to and I will have to point out the cues that her body is giving to let her know that she does have to go... legs crossed or knees pressed together and crouching down a bit and hand on or near her crotch or bottom. She honestly doesn't recognize the signal until it is almost too late. Take heart, it will happen that she will learn how to potty train, but it may take much more time than that of a mainstream kid and you may need to help her even into her teens, as I am finding myself doing. What worked for us was just consistancy and we kept her in pull-ups for quite a while. Even after she had the routine down, we kept her in pull-ups because she would have multiple accidents if we put her in underwear (probably had something to do with the different feel of the fabric) and when we did go to underwear, she wore pull-ups at night until she was 6. I still even have extra clothes for her at school and she is now in the sixth grade. It just generally takes longer for kids with Autism and Asbergers, so I hear, and that seems to be our experience. Good luck to you. It gets better, never easy, but much, much better... or so I'm told... lol.

Although my son, who is now 9, does not have Aspergers, he too had zero interest in potty training when he was your daughters age. Realizing there were some things beyond my control (I couldn't MAKE him go on the toilet), I finally asked him when he thought it would be a good time for him to start using the potty. He told me he would be ready when he turned 4. Although I was a bit horrified by the number, I recognized that there wasn't much I could do about it. So we made a little agreement and I stopped working so hard (which was actually quite a relief), and sure enough, one week before he turned 4 he started wearing underwear. I think he had two accidents at night, but other than that he made the change in an instant. It just took 4 years to get there. Long story to say . . .you might just want to ask her when she thinks it would be a good time. She might surprise you!

Hi C.,
I have read the post from other Autism parent and supporters. I am also a parent to a 5 yr old high-functioning autistic child. I also have 4 older kids. Most kids take up to a year to potty train, if not longer. My son who is 5, I started potty training him at age of 2. What I did was got him a potty chair and let him use it to sit on and watch tv or at the coffee table to color. Being the bathroom is on the second floor and his legs are short and takes longer to climb the steps. I then would start stetting him in the potty and let him choose a movie, then I would watch closely to see when and how often he would potty. When he would potty accidentally in the potty, we would make a big deal. I let him lead me with his clues on going potty. It took a year but he did it(trained by age of 3). He still has accidents (mostly gets to busy to stop and go)
You may want to get her enrolled with the Early childhood program with the public schools. My son goes 2 days a week, he has learned how to make friends and I have learned tips on how to teach him. If you would like you can contact me and I could hook you up with some more info.
Good luck

If you're okay with waiting until your daughter wants to potty train, then all of the other recommendations here will help. But, I think there is a valid reason that a generation ago, children were potty trained much sooner. (And I don't think it was because parents were willing to traumatize their children.) There is little or no discomfort today in having a wet diaper. Back before the days of modern disposables and high-tech cloth diapers with diaper covers, children were aware of the sensation of wetting, and were not comfortable wearing a wet diaper. Now, technology was improved things so that is no longer the case.

The weather is going to be warm and beautiful this weekend. You could spend most of the days outside, and have your daughter in training pants, panties, or even naked, if you have a private yard. She would immediately experience the sensation of wetting herself . She probably won't like it. She might decide she is motivated to use the potty, rather than be wet and uncomfortable. Just an idea.

Hi C.. Has your daughter actually been diagnosed with Asperger's? I know that with most of the Autism spectrums that some delays or regression behaviors are quite common. Many children with varying forms of Autism are very late to pottytrain. Some are well into childhood (6, 7, 8 years old) before they will train (though these are usually the more severe forms of Autism). My son is almost 3 1/2 and he has not started to potty train either. He actually did start about a year ago and was doing quite well, and then suddenly stopped and now refuses to even attempt. We have questioned whether or not he has a form of Autism (as he has some of the characteristics) but it is not believed that he truly has the disorder. We have spoken with his preschool teacher and pediatrician, and both reassure us that he will eventually get it, that some children just don't want to. We did the same thing you did, we bought him a cool potty chair that sings when they go, the cool handsoaps, really fun big boy underwear, pullups, etc. We even bought Hershey Kisses to reward him every time he tried. None of that worked and the more we pushed the issue, the more upset he got. So, our pediatrician recommended that we do not push the issue. We simply ask him if he wants to try and if he says no then we let it go and try again later. Our pediatrician told us that if we force him, he will have a negative association with it and will only delay the process. So, my advice is to just go with the flow. I know it is frustrating as the bigger the kids get, the yuckier the diapers get, and the more inconvenient trying to change them in public places. Just be patient and realize that your daughter is achieving other milestones still and try to focus on those momentous events. Best wishes, we're all in this together.

I agre with the post below that has the daughter with Autism. My niece is now 8 (almost 9)and she too didnt potty train till she was at least 5, and she to is autistic. She was late hitting all of her miles stones as and infant and toddler. Their brains are wired differently than ours, and a delay is most likely the case in your daughter. We too tried everything imaginable and nothing worked, not even when my daughter (who is a few months older) started using the toilet.
Anyway, I believe that it is most likely the Asbergers and wouldnt worry to much about getting her potty trained right away.
Best of Luck, and enjoy your very special child!!

Maybe try letting her see that her friends are doing this and see if she is interested. Then maybe suggest that it's something she can do when she is a certain age, like 3 and 3 quarters. My son started off just peeing in the potty and pooping in a diaper, but then decided that at age 3 and 3 quarters he would use the toilet and since then he has been doing really well. Good luck! I would also suggest taking occasional breaks from pushing this. In the end it will be something inside her that will change and cause the breakthrough.

My son does not have Asperger's, and actually is very social, but decided after a successful week of using the potty, he was going to stick with diapers! I was beside myself, trying desparately not to pressure or stress him out. The Gramma's reasured me that he would surely be potty trained by the time he left for college--very helpful. Better advice was to remind him of the option occasionally, and just hold tight. On outings with friends or around other children, we would talk about them using the potty, but not in a peer pressure way, more of a logistics, pride focus. (lots of potty talk in our house!) So, We were facing a trip to Europe for two weeks and I couldn't imagine packing all those diapers, (plus little sister's) in addition to hearing about it the whole time from my inlaws who were going with us. Still I held my breath. Out of no where, just days prior to departure, he informed me he was done with diapers. He even put up with all the weird toilets throughout our trip!
So, my advice is to give her time, information, tools, but not pressure or shame. I really feel it is best for their self esteem to acheive this huge step on their own. Hang in there!

Here's another awesome resource for you. It's a forum with lots of helpful mamas all about potty training...

http://www.diaperswappers.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=173

You may need to sign up, but it's free and just basic info. Hope it helps

Hello C.!

I have worked with children for 25 years. I'm not sure why your daughter refuses to potty train, but I wouldn't blame it on the Asperger's.

As a nanny, I watched a lovely girl that just didn't want to potty train. She wasn't fully trained until 4-1/2 years old. I also watched a brilliant little boy that was 5 before he was fully trained.

So.....take a deep breath....and let her decide when she is ready.

Good luck!

~P. G.
Portland Preschool Directory
http://www.portlandpreschooldirectory.com

When a child is interested in potty training is usually when their body has matured sufficiently to be able to hold back urine. Potty training isn't jusst a matter of doing it. The child's body has to be ready.

I also think potty training is the most successful when there is not stress to make it happen. Because of all of the things that you say you've done I suggest that the issue has beome an emotional one for both you and your daughter. You may not be aware of the emotions involved but IF your daughter's body is ready she may feeling anxious about it which will interfere with training.

One of my friend's daughter was not potty trained which made it difficult to find a preschool program. In her AZ community the child had to be potty trained before they could attend. My friend hadn't tried to potty train before that.

She put a child size potty and a couple of toys and books on the floor in the bathroom. Whenever she, the mother, used the bathroom she took her daughter with her. Her daughter sat on the potty fully clothed at first. She also went into the bathroom on her own to sit and play. Then she wanted to do what Mommy does she took her panties off. Within a couple of weeks she was trained sufficiently to go to preschool. She was approximately 3 1/2 to 4 in age. She was ready physically and emotionally to learn. The only reward my friend provided was praise. My friend explained what the little potty chair was for but didn't tell her daughter that she had to use it.

I, also, don't know the possible effect of Aspergers on potty training. I suspect that the children have the same issues as any other kid but may mature at a different rate. What does your pediatrician or Asperger therapist say?