3Rd Grade Frenemy

I love Doris' idea! Also, would it be awkward to tell the parents casually about her comments if you hear them directly as a troop leader, not a mom)?

I love the I statement ideas. And I also love the idea of speaking up as the troop leader as soon as the girl does or says something disrespectful.

Honestly, I'd focus less on the need to "stand up to" this little girl and more on guiding your daughter on how to think critically through the situation.

"Prissy said I'm 'lame' because I don't have these sparkly shoes like she does."

"What do you think? Do the kind of shoes you wear make you a better person?"

Let her think it through, gently guiding.

We didn't have much when I was growing up. And we certainly didn't spend money on trendy clothes or things. I'll never forget the realization I had in high school when it came to me, after being picked on by some girls from wealthy families: They didn't buy those clothes, their parents did. They didn't choose to be born into wealth any more than I chose to be born into poverty. I never said it, but I wish I'd taken the opportunity to say, "You didn't buy that or earn it, your parents did. Quit acting like you're better than everyone just because your parents have money. That isn't YOUR money."

I'm not saying your daughter ought to say any of that, but I think helping her to understand that, rich or poor, kids don't get to choose the familes they're born into, is important.

Finally, there's a good book out there called "Little Girls Can Be Mean." It's about setting healthy boundaries and knowing how to deal with tough situation. I think it could be helpful for your daughter.

When my girls were a little bit younger, I can remember watching an episode of Little Bill that kind of dealt with this issue. Little Bill was getting picked on by another kid at school, calling him a baby or lame, things like that. Little Bill's father advised him to respond with "so?" He said the next time the boy calls you a baby, say "so?" It will diffuse it because it takes the power right out of his criticism. His comment doesn't have any power or meaning if you don't give it any. I thought this was a tremendous lesson and I think it applies well to your daughter. So what if this other girl thinks your daughter is lame? And so what if she really was "lame"? So? So what?

Tell your daughter to give it a try. It is certainly less confrontational than other ways she could respond but will also work to diffuse the situation. There's nowhere else for that other little girl to go with it from there. And if your daughter doesn't react, I bet this girl moves on to another target.

She is in YOUR troop? Are you the troop leader? If so, easy. Get some COOL, good looking, teen to come give a talk to the girls about being mean. A high school or middle school girl who is a cheerleader and trying to get Honor Society points can do this for you. As a bonus--maybe she can wear her cheerleader uniform.

Empower her. Teach your daughter to use "I" statements:

• I want you to stop calling me lame.
•I don't like it when you talk to me like that.
•I'd like you to stop talking to me like that
•I don't think you're a nice friend.

Why does your girl HAVE to be friends with her?
Talk to your daughter about friendship and how we treat friends.
Ask her to identify the people that she likes the best and the people that are nicest to her. Encourage those friendships.

I like the idea of finding a teen to come talk about "mean girls" (or just mean kids) and bullying and how it's not cool. I would also be sure that the speaker addresses the fact that mean/bullying behavior comes from kids who actually feel insecure and "less than" and that's why they use those tactics to try to feel powerful. It will give you child some understanding of why bullies are bullies and may give the frenemy something to think about. I highly recommend two books for you to read together: Wonder and the sequel, Julian's Chapter. The first deals with a child that has physical abnormalities and how he makes his way at school, who befriends him, who doesn't. It's funny and touching and perfect for your daughter's age. A "frenemy" in the story is Julian and the second book tells the story from Julian's point of view. Beautiful, awesome books. Good luck to you! www.goodreads.com/book/show/23302416-wonder
www.goodreads.com/book/show/20878809-the-julian-chapter

By not having any. Your child doesn't simply need to stand up to her, she needs stop spending time with her. Make sure your daughter knows that she needs to respect herself by not putting up with people that treat her poorly.

Also, your troop = your authority. If she is a brat there then you need to take her to task and require better behavior as a condition of remaining in the troop. Kids behave like this because no one is willing to step up and take care of business.

I don't like the term 'frenemy'. It implies a person who is a sometimes friend and sometimes enemy is a friend.
Friends -- REAL friends do not treat each other this way. Instead of teaching your daughter to stand up to this girl, teach her to walk away. Teach her she does not have to put up with rude behavior.
You can do this by stepping up at scout meetings. When this girl is disrespectful to adults call her on it. Look at her and say, ' I don't put up with that behavior from my own kids and I am not going to put up with it from you.' If this doesn't quash the behavior, then talk to her Mom, if this doesn't work, expell her from the scout troop.

Roll play with her. Get your daughter to react differently to this bully girl and things will change. It takes time, but I saw it last year with my daughter (5th grade). Now she and the bully girl are good friends! Go figure...and the bully isn't really such a bully. Definitely help her figure out what to say.

I try to explain that the "mean" girl is mean because she feels less than, so she tries to make everyone else feel like she does. I try to evoke empathy for the "mean" kid. If your child can start seeing her from a point of empathy, her comments won't hurt, they will just evoke more empathy. Your daughter could say something to her like "I feel sorry for you; you obviously aren't a happy person." and then just walk away. Bet that shuts her up, at least temporarily.

I don't think standing up for yourself is being "mean."

Does your daughter mind these comments of the other girl? If she does, then I think she should certainly role play a come-back she is comfortable with, and then say it to the other girl. That is NOT the same as being mean in turn.

When I was young, I let people say mean things to me without responding. It's really not fun. I thing your daughter needs to retort to this brat.

Take the girl scout troop to volunteer at a soup kitchen, afterwords talk about how lucky they are and how they should never belittle people with less. Maybe even take the two girls aside and tell them they need to talk about their differences and sort things out otherwise they both miss out on a fun activity.

By saying nothing your daughter is saying she is ok with the bulling.

I'm not seeing why they need to be friends at all.
You can have boundaries without being mean.
Your daughter needs to get over caring about this other girls feelings when this other girl clearly does not care about YOUR girls feelings.
The 'proper' response to 'lame' is 'what ever' and then ignore her.

Taking a taekwondo class would be very good for your daughter on a lot of levels.
Half the kids in my son's class are girls.
Your girl will learn to be a bit more assertive AND she'll meet other people to be friends with besides this hot and cold running 'friend' she has at school.

Do the girls only interact in Girl Scouts? Or are they in classes together at school? As a GS leader too -- If their interactions are all at GS, then you and any other co-leader adults can stop what you're doing, the instant you hear this girl talking to your child or any other child like this; turn to face her directly and say, "That's a word we don't use in this troop. It's disrespectful." Then move on with the activity. I've had something similar go on years ago in our troop when the mix of girls was different, and an adult facing the girl directly and calling her out in a calm but firm way can nip it. The girl may be furious -- she doesn't want to be called out in front of everyone -- but it can do a lot of shut it down, at least during meetings, frankly. (If she has parents who would kick up a fuss if she comes home and complains that you corrected her, you have a bigger problem than just the girl, unfortunately.)

You can't make this girl stop being materialistic -- she's either learning that at home, or sadly she is so insecure about her own real worth that she falls back on talking about her stuff -- but you can run the meetings and events in a way that make clear to all the girls that you do actually hear what they say to each other, and you won't let certain things pass.

I also agree that your daughter does need some tools to use with this girl (and with girls like this, in the future). Practice with your daughter how to respond next time. Rehearse it so she has actually said the words out loud before she actually encounters this kind of talk for real. "Hey, Sally, what you just said was not nice, and not true either. Please don't say that to me again." "Sally, I know I don't have the things you have. That doesn't matter to me. Please stop teasing me about it, NOW." And so on.

I do like the idea of having girls from an older troop come to give a talk to your girls about being a good friend. Through your Girl Scout service unit, or your council representative for your area, you should be able to hook up with leaders of Cadette, Ambassador or Senior troops and can talk with them about creating a presentation on real friendship and how to treat others, and you can ask that they emphasize things like materialism. I would not say "I want this so one particular girl will shape up." But afterward you can guide your girls in discussion. Girls your troop's age will respond well to teens. If this girl continues her ways during meetings and events after such a presentation, you'll have that hook to use -- "Remember when the Cadettes did the exercises about friendship with us?..."

Finally -- go back to the idea that this girl may indeed be doing this from insecurity. While you do need to call her out appropriately, and work with your own child on tools, please also give this girl some extra responsibilities and praise her a lot when she does them; give her some extra attention when she's supportive of others -- "I noticed how Sally really helped Jenny with the posters for the cookie sale--good job, Sally." It's hard to be positive toward a kid who is not nice to other kids (especially our own) but she is still young, and needs to know both that you don't tolerate certain things, AND that you can "catch her being good."

I feel for you and your daughter. Our niece has always been raised as if she's an adult on par with her parents so she has never really been made to be polite to others, or to curb what she says much. Raising kids as if they were miniature adults doesn't do them any favors.

Unfortunately, drama among friends/frenemies will persist (we are dealing with issues in our house too!). Sometimes I think the best thing we can do is to listen and keep lines of communication open. It can be heartbreaking at times, but the truth of the matter is parents cannot fix all friend issues. Continue to talk to your daughter about being happy for what she has and confident in who she is. The other girl might even stop saying things if your daughter doesn't appear bothered (e.g. if she doesn't get a rise out of your daughter she might stop bothering her).

Are you the troop leader? If so, I would encourage you to address any negative behavior during meetings. Your troop should have a list of rules they all agree on and you can tie behaviors back to the Girl Scout Law. I have a troop of 4th graders and I have been teaching them about being kind to each other since they were in 1st grade. I'm hoping some of it will stick. You can't change behavior all the time, but a Girl Scout meeting should be a safe place for all the girls.

Good luck!