3 Year Old with Potty Problem - San Francisco,CA

Your daughter is trying to meet her own emotional needs in the only way that occurs to her. It's not easy for a child to have a new baby in the family, and if you were expressing great eagerness, or anxiety, during the pregnancy, or were sick a lot and less available for your daughter, she was almost certainly feeling anxious about her status in the family.

After a baby arrives, older siblings are often feeling left out, or like a third thumb, unloved, confused and angry. Potty regression is extremely common under those conditions. She needs you, your attention, your time, your cuddles, and in her immature mind, the way to get those needs met is to be more like that new baby, incapable of bodily control. Even if it makes you mad and earns her punishment, that's still attention.

Your daughter sees your anger as a confirmation of her fears that you don't love her as much, and she's simultaneously punishing you for giving so much of your time and attention to that baby. It all makes perfect emotional sense to the jealous sibling.

A couple of moms I know made extra efforts to find one-on-one time, and include the older child in everything, helping with the baby, helping in the kitchen, so they would see themselves as useful and valued contributors to family life. Make a point of noticing a dozen positive things every day: "You brought me my shoes, sweetie! Thank you!" or, "I love those colors you picked out to wear today." or, "I see a young lady who is sitting up straight at the table!" or, "Do you know how much I appreciate your sweet voice?" or, "I feel so happy when you laugh like that!"

Noticing the positive will have her wanting and working for more. Not punishing for the negative, though it seems like it would only make things worse, may actually help, once you understand the child's internal processes. One mom I know offered to let her child wear diapers again, and the little girl took her up on it for a couple of weeks, then decided she liked being trained better. But the acceptance from Mommy apparently helped. No more accidents.

I agree w/ Peg. I am very surprised your Pediatrician didn't warn you about regression.
One little addition to Peg's advice - as a big sister and mom of 2...make a point of showing baby #1 that she is still important. Find moments in the day when you can let the baby fuss while you do something for #1 and announce it. "You have to wait Baby! Mommy is fixing Big Sister's lunch."
It will show #1 in a way you can't explain to a 3 year old that you are still taking care of her. When our daughter was newborn I would tell my son that all the stuff he sees me do for Baby, I did for him too. The anxious look on his face would melt. My son is 5 so it's easier to explain stuff - I try to do things with just him every day.
Hang in there - it'll get better. Expect more regression when baby starts getting cuter and more entertaining.

Hi N.,
I have potty trained 2 children now. My first was 2.3 when I had my second and he was potty trained before that. After I had number two, it was like he was never potty trained. I got frustrated, and started getting him in trouble with time outs, because I knew he was capable. The more I tried, the worse he got. I just didn't know what to do. I backed off and kept him in pull ups and told him that he couldn't go to preschool if he wasn't fully trained. On his 3rd birthday he told me okay mom, I'm potty trained now, and we never had a problem again.
My point is that your daughter is probably just being stubborn and if you just encourage her to go and make everything positive....not negative, because then she wont want to do it at all. Give it time, let her make you proud.

Hi N.

I try not to criticize parents, but I must tell you that your actions only cause more potty training stress for your daughter. She is being punished for having accidents. Being punished for a bodily function will only cause anxiety related to urinating. Please stop!

First, you must understand why accidents happen. Sometimes, they are accidents because they didn’t make it on time. Sometimes the child becomes distracted and forgets. Sometimes the child feels like they are being ignored and wants attention.

Next, you must understand the 3 year old mind. 3 Year olds like to have control over themselves and what they do. When they feel they are not in control, they seek control over the things they can control, which are what they eat and when they pee. I think your daughter is feeling like she doesn’t have control over what’s happening right now and is expressing that through her potty regression.

To solve this problem you’ll need to do a couple things, first no more punishing. Next, put your daughter in control of when she pottys. I recommend parent give their child a watch with a timer. Sent the timer for 45-60 minutes and it’s your child’s responsibility to go when the timer goes off. The timer also is a reminder to her to stop playing. The choice to go or not to go is HERS. If she has an accident, there is no punishment, yelling or lectures. All you do is tell her, “it looks like you had an accident. I need you to help me clean-up now.” And have your daughter help with cleaning the floor, cloths and herself.

The most important step is to allow your daughter to talk about her feelings regarding the new baby. She is probably feeling jealous and doesn’t know how to say, “Mom I miss our time together.” Or “Mom I don’t like the new baby. I never get to play with you anymore.” Allow your child to be honest with you about their feelings is important for the parent/child bond.

The key here is to allow her to openly talk and to make her responsible for her potty times. Set the alarm, and don’t remind.

R. Magby

I believe 2 is way too young for potty training and that is why she has regressed. I introduced my son to the potty chair at 2, did not push him, and he let me know when he was ready.