3 Year Old Temper Tantrums

There is nothing wrong with just ignoring the tantrum, but some mothers
I know have bought the video of baby sign language and let the child
learn this. The idea is that the child needs better communication skills the the
use of signing helps. It is fun and worth a try.

Some children are just more interested in - and more talented at - tantruming than others.

Tantrums are part of some toddlers' job descriptions. I think some of it is because they don't communicate verbally well enough to express their feelings when Mama or Daddy says something they don't want to hear. The other part of it is that they get to scream and yell and kick their heels and get lots of attention. That's the fun part.

Tantrums are not Mama's or Daddy's fault. They're usually power games - or can turn into power games. If having the tantrum works, then of course it will be done whenever necessary.

What you want to teach your sweet boy is that this behavior is not, N-O-T, the way to get anything he wants. When my toddler granddaughter decides to pull one, her mama simply leaves the room. A tantrum without an audience is much, much less fun.

Try it. Just leave. It may take time for your boy to get the idea that it's not working. That is to say, he may try it more than once. But you'll probably find that, without an audience, the performance ends. When he comes looking for you, you can be friendly (because you're not mad at him!) and ask him if he'd like to use words.

If he tries screaming again, well, that's what extra rooms in houses are for. (Sometimes this turns into a fun game of hide and seek and the tantrum is forgotten.)

If he tries this in public, then you have to abandon your to-do list and take him to the car. The dinner ingredients may have to be abandoned. But it shouldn't take too many times for him to get the idea, if you are consistent.

The best way to handle tantrums goes as follows...........
eye to eye
I see you are really upset and I hear that you are really angry when you calm down we can talk about................
Then walk away and do not engage further
If he comes to you repeat above and walk away
it make take once or a 100 times but the message will come across that when he is calm THEM and only then can you both talk to each other
It will be VERY hard at first but after a few times he will get the picture. Should this happen out in public do exactly the same thing and NEVER worry what others think of you it doesn't matter he is the only one that matters. So no yelling back no trying to reason while tantruming no time out no punishment get on his level and say the above and trust me it will work but probably not the first time.

Penny Amic CEO/Clinical Director
Special Beginnings, Inc.
An Early Intervention Network
FYI....my first two had one tantrum each so I know it works

Help him find words to express his feelings – this will eventually replace the tantrums, which are expressions of frustration he doesn't know how to talk about.

Meanwhile, many childen recover from tantrums fastest if you can empathize with them. If that doesn't work, then ignore them and give them time to work it through. I would not try to hold him unless he is seriously hurting himself or others, and then that can be a calming approach if you sit quietly and non-reactively until he gives up. That can take some time.

You can also watch a few quick videos about how to empathize with tantruming toddlers as taught by Dr. Harvey Karp, author of The Happiest Toddler on the Block: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJ1428uYs2g&NR=1&a.... . He demonstrates exactly how he "speaks" the toddler's language so they know he's heard the need they are expressing. This calms them and makes it easier for them to cooperate.

Plop him in his room with a calm "come out when you're done" then walk away. Then when he's done say "I know you were mad/sad/frustrated, but we don't act like that. Got it?" He'll get it that his tantrums don't work for him (i.e get him what he wants) soon enough.

He just has a different temperment than your daughter does. Is he upset because he's a perfectionist? Because things don't go his way?? I have a son that did something similar. I tickled him and when he giggled and was over it we talked about it and how he could maybe handle it better. Try to figure out WHY he gets upset...I don't think he could tell you. Mine couldn't articulate it at that age. Good luck!

i always did hug it out..still do..its made my son, who is now 5 a very sweet boy..he's still a wild child but he's a doll..i also used to put my foot on his butt when he'd have a tantrum and help him ..and we would both wind up laughing...so now he has developed a fun sense of humor..try to hold him..and talk to him..explain why things are..like for instance..if he's upset b/c you took something away that was dangerous..you explain that its your job to take care of him and make sure he's safe and this makes owie's..(sp?)
and if it were ok to play with you would let him..they need to be told why..so many parents just ..time out or slap..i saw a woman slapping her son for going into the street..he was around 2..instead of telling him why..just hit him..
so hold him..if he doesn't like it ..keep trying..sometimes i used to act so shocked..i'd open my eyes super wide..like "WTH?" and my son would look at me and laugh and stop..and i'd also make a pouty face..i always try to be on his level..life is so much easier now that he's 5..but once upon a time..i had a colicky baby..who threw tantrums..and now i have a little funny buddy..and when he does get mad i say.."a oh..the angry elf is here" and i start making a play on words w/ that..and he'll laugh..

well hope this was helpful..xo

D.

Can you imagine if someone ignored your anger or tried to tell you that feeling angry was not ok. I agree with Peg to a degree. Kids absolutely need to feel that we can empathize with their emotions but I would think that ignoring them would be hurtful. Marshall Rosenberg wrote a fantastic book titled Nonviolent Communication. Since you're in L.A., I highly, highly recommend checking out the Echo Center for parenting classes. Their website is http://www.echoparenting.org/who-we-are. It's been an exciting learning experience of a kinder, gentler way of parenting. Your questions are normal and it's so hard to know what to do in these sort of situations. I suppose modeling the sort of behavior we would like our kids to use makes the most sense to me. How else do they learn to communicate their feelings and treat people with kindness and respect? We can't just tell them, we have to show them, right? Best with everything M.!