3 Year Old "Talking Back" - Littleton,CO

Children at this age are learning so much. It is important to give them two choices. Usually both are what you would like them to do. A win situation for you both. Children at three are trying to take in A lot of information. No is a word they see has power. So they use it. Usually if you respond positively and distract them by saying, come and let me show you this fun thing, they forget they have actually said "no." I remember the story of the Mother who spanked her child because after the Mother told her not to go to the corner of the street, she went anyway. After the spanking occurred, through the little girls tears she said, "Mommy what's a corner?"
Children are learning and our world is big to them. It is important to listen, be patient and divert while they are young. They will learn through us and through our patience.

I have a 3 1/2 year old. She used to tell me all the time that she didn't like me, at first I was really hurt by that and cried myself to sleep a couple of nights. Then a few of the Mama's here suggested that I tell her "I love you though" whenever she said she didn't like me and eventually she stopped saying it.

As far as the other ones go, we give her choices. For veggies at dinner we ask her if she wants corn or peas and let her put the bag on the counter. At bed time she gets to pick which two stories she gets to read and which end of the bed she wants her pillow. Giving her more choices to make gives her more security that she has some control over her environment and cuts down on the arguments.

It may be a normal behavior and a development stage but you don't have to deal with it. Life will be a whole lot easier for all of you if you get the mother-child boundaries set up right now. Just tell her that if she can't use nice words then you don't want to listen to her and send her to her bedroom. You don't need to yell but use a very firm voice. A child's sense of logic is not fully developed at that age so the shorter the reply is the better. My mom says that I am "barking orders" but kids need to know boundaries. That is the way it is. I have an 18 year old daughter and I could see how things would have been much different if I hadn't taken this stance. She never gave me problems because she knew were the line was drawn. Some people aren't as open and aggressive as I am so YOU think about what works for you. Lots of love is the most important thing because you are the strongest example for your daughter. Being firm but loving is the best behavior strategy. Counting always worked great for me and it was a timeout for me to think as well as time for them.

Check into some "Love and Logic" parenting books. The big thing is to give the child a choice between 2 items. If your daughter says no or asks for something else, then you simply choose for her. It may be a rough first day, but she'll catch on quick that you are in charge and if she plays by your rules, she will earn some responsibilty and control. It will also have advice on how to handle undesirable behavior like the "I don't like you" comments. Hope that helps!

It's developmental yes, but my husband's ex has said on several occasions that she lost control of their one son around that age (how sad is that, that a 3/4 year old runs the house?) It's good for you to find ways to answer her w/o arguing back w/her or caving in. You'd hate to be one to say you lost control of them at age 3! "I don't like you" has always been met with "I'm sorry you feel that way, I still like you". It's not an option to not eat the food that's served in our house: "you don't have to like it, but you will eat it". "I want" can sometimes be headed off with "here's what's on our list & we're only getting that & nothing else"-sometimes they don't listen but stick to the list & walk out w/o extras. Even for yourself-make a note of what it was & get it on the next trip.
Tell her that you'll listen to what she has to say, but your answer will be "x", but you'll give her the courtesy of listening to her. From that, with consistancy, she will understand that you should always listen to what somebody else has to say, even if you don't agree & that you don't have to change your mind/beliefs/convictions because somebody else says so.
Good luck!

I got a lot out of the book "How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk." I highly recommend it. One of the things in that book is that it's OK to validate without agreeing, and it's OK to wish-grant without budging on your policy. So you can say "I can tell you really wanted more cookies! You really like cookies. If cookies were healthy, I would let you eat 100 cookies." This kind of communication pattern can diffuse tension and tantrums amazingly well. It really is OK for your three-year-old to have opinions, it's just not OK for her to always have her way because you know best how to keep her safe and healthy. Hang in there!

Dena,
If you ignore it now, it will get worse as time goes on. When mine did (and at 5 and 8 sometimes still do!) that, I would firmly tell them it is NOT okay to talk to mommy that way - or anyone else for that matter. And tell them a better way to say it... for instance, instead of "NO!", please say "Mommy, I don't like that." And then I'd have them say it the right way. It took some time on occassion, but works wonders and not only explains the wrong way but gives them the right way.

Sometimes, they'd have to sit in time out until they were ready to talk to me the right way.

Good luck!
C.