3 Year Old- Nightly Tantrums

Ugh, that happened to us too. I started using a eraser-board-type calendar, to show him things that were planned for outings, and included bedtime on each day and just talking and staying consistent. The hardest thing was getting my husband on board who wanted him to just fall asleep watching tv :/

Oh, and it happened around the time he stopped eating well (he used to eat everything and went to practically nothing). I guess it's just all part of the independence stage. Which, I think, lasts forever? haha

good luck!

If you want your child to not go over the top angry tantrums, then as parents, you need to model that behavior. You and your husband are having "tantrums" about her tantrums. STOP - YOU are waking up the baby, not her. Stop rewarding her behavior with attention - it doesn't matter if it's not positive, it's still attention.

Sometimes kiddos need to feel safe, and that bit of time as they drift off can be just enough. One thing that helped me is telling my son I would sit in the room with him as he fell asleep, and I had my laptop with me. I did computer stuff, he fell asleep, everyone was happy. Maybe it'll work for you - I got the idea for another mom here.

Look into the parenting style called Love and Logic - there are books at the library, and you can call the website and ask about facilitators that have classes in your area. loveandlogic.com

EDIT: just last night, my 5 year old didn't want to go to bed. I gave him some choices, but he wanted to be mister kick the floor. So I told him in a very gentle tone, that when he was done stomping, to let me know and I would tuck him in, and that I had things to do downstairs. I left him safe in the room. About 3 minutes later, he calls gently "mommy, i'm done stomping" (he'd stopped after the 1st minute), and I went up and tucked him in. This "new" parenting style is HARD, but it gets your emotions out of the picture and puts it on them to make better choices. And the earlier they do that, the better off they'll be when the BIG choices come along.

You've tried a reward system.

May I suggest a discipline system?

Time for bed. End of discussion. She cries - let her. She throws a tantrum - let her.

Yes, you might wake the baby. But your daughter will learn that she can't manipulate you (she's doing that now). A few days of ignoring the tantrum and refusing to engage - no more tantrums.

A side note - I grew up with yelling, so I have a bit of a bias. But I find it disconcerting that a) she's yelled at, and b) that you and husband yell at each other. You didn't ask about the yelling - so I'm not going to offer any unsolicited advice. But I just wanted to bring that to your attention.

3 and 4 is a hard age.

Her bedtime routine seems kinda long.
ie: 2 Disney shows (that is 1 hour at least), then yoga poses, then 2-3 stories. That all takes a long time.
Then there is brushing teeth and changing into jammies. That can take time too.
Sure, have a wind down period.
But make everything dark and quiet. And boring.
For my son at that age, I made him a PART of the bedtime routine. ie: he turned off the lights/the house lights etc. We only left 1 light on. And he liked that... to be doing it.
Then I gave him the choice of 1 story or nothing.
I never rewarded him for things. But verbally praised him.
Then he went in his bed, he liked to chat a bit, keeping the room dark.
I sat in a chair in his room, and read a book with my book light.
And he'd fall asleep.
No battles.

I'm going out on a limb here in a different direction. First of all, if there was initially a correlation to no-nap days and bedtime meltdowns, then it could be an ongoing issue of being overtired by the time bedtime rolls around. Also - TV is a stimulant, especially to small children. Although you've made it a part of your bedtime routine, maybe it's time to rethink that and replace it with something else. A quiet family game or some relaxing music or some story time. (If you don't feel up to reading, check out some Bill Harley CDs from the library. He's an AMAZING storyteller, and children LOVE to hear his stories and songs.) Even if you believe she's trying to manipulate you, understand that she's 3. She's not a grown-up. She doesn't think the same way you do. When my daughter (now 5) is overtired and having a difficult time at bedtime (and occasionally she does have a mini bedtime meltdown), I talk with her about how she's feeling, and I give her hugs and cuddles because you can NEVER EVER spoil your child with your LOVE. You say you also have a 1 year old -- she really could also still be adjusting to having a sibling and feeling like she's losing your affection and attention. She needs to know that you love her no matter what. (It's much easier to fall asleep feeling accepted and loved than feeling worried and stressed out.) When the bad behavior begins, gently remind her that you love her but that you don't love her behavior, and calmly explain how it makes you feel frustrated and that you wish you had her cooperation. If she asks for another story, remind her that the routine includes [x] stories and no more. If she begins to get upset, let her know that you can hear that it upsets her and that you're sorry she feels frustrated that she's not getting what she wants, but it's time to move on with getting ready for bed now, and it'll be easier if she can be your helper by cooperating. And try not to expect tears and frustration at bedtime. Instead, try just hoping for the best! It might not be your thing, but a book that will give you a very different parenting perspective is the Parent's Tao Te Ching. Good luck with your bedtime routine. (Don't consider it a battle - consider it an opportunity to bond!)

I agree 100% with DOP.

You are the boss, she is the 3 year old. When it's time for bed, it's time for bed & that's that. What would happen if she threw a tantrum every day at 3:30 in the afternoon because you told her to pick up her toys? Would you just end up doing it for her? Of course not (well, I suppose in a lot of cases the answer to that would be "yes, because it's easier" but that is the absolute wrong way to handle it). This is no different.

It sounds like your daughter is just now hitting the stage where she actually understands that the things she does influence you & your husband. She using that to her advantage & essentially torturing you with it. The key here is that you are ALLOWING IT TO HAPPEN. Once you break your own habit of allowing, she'll break hers of instigating.

Our kids' bedtime always goes way smoother if there is no tv at all after dinner. No video games, no computer time, no screen anything. I started this when my youngest was born, because I was getting into a bad habit of sticking the boys in front of the tv while I got her to sleep. Then they would take forever to go down.

I agree, shorten the number of books and be consistent, don't let her get "one more". Some kids can be flexible and not fight you when you change little things in their routine, it doesn't sound like your daughter is one of those kids lol!

Don't address the sticker issue until the morning. When I did a sticker chart with my dd, I praised good behavior and ignored the bad. If she settled in reasonably and didn't get up except to use the bathroom, I made a big deal about it in the morning, but I didn't tell her whether or not she would get one the night before, that can just set them up for failure. They get all excited and then misbehave, just make sure she understands SHE is in control of whether she gets that sticker or not, don't give in to the "YOU didn't GIVE me a sticker!" routine.

Be calm, be firm, be consistent. It will pay off eventually.

I totally feel for you because I am going through something very similar! It is breaking my heart because most nights she cries herself to sleep calling for me...but I know that she is not sick and she is safe (doesn't make the mommy hurt go away). I have a very low wattage light in her room that I leave on (switch it off when she is asleep) that has helped and I also use an ipod with some Disney stories and sleepy music...I hate falling asleep in silence so I thought why not? But what has worked best is she can pick 3 books and 3 dolls (because she is 3) to play with in her bed. She usually plays for 1/2 hour and passes out. Although my girl is super stubborn and sometimes she doesn't fall asleep till 10:30! But she is in her room, safe, healthy and quiet! May not be the best advice but I am a single mom and I have to do what works for me.

My 3 yr old has started something similar. she has no problem getting in bed, but after we leave she will start to cry that she wants me to sit in her room with her. it has become a nightmare. i have found that before we start getting ready for bed and several times during, what i expect pf her after i put her in things go more smoothly. i also emphasize what will happen if she doesnt do it. i will take away one of her toys. i let her lnow that itll be her choice for that to happen. and i must follow through with what ive said. things have gone much better though not perfect. good luck!

I'm sure I'll be in the minority here but after I try everything to be the nice guy, I gave my child a warm bottom. They got warned beforehand. I refuse to "ignore" poor behavior. It lets them think that the poor behavior is ok. You NEVER ignore poor behavior. If I have to hear a screaming child, it's going to be because they were punished for poor behavior, not throwing a tantrum and getting away with it. This should not be a long drawn out situation and trying to talk them into behaving and bribing and begging. If they are not sick and you've done everything to please them and they still won't go to bed on their own then they need convincing and it fixes their problem rather quickly. There's no reason for the entire house to be in an uproar because a 3 year old wants to run the house and set the pace.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

I read your SWH and you said it - manipulation.

You know she is smart;

she knows if she does this that it will cause all this commotion and it will delay bedtime.

I also think your routine is a bit long (too many stories) but that's personal choice. Personally, one story and then lights out.

So, you need to do your bedtime routine, tell her goodnight and leave the room. If she asks for more, simply say no, or don't say anything at all. Just leave the room. And once you leave, don't come back. Put a baby gate or two across her door so she can't get out and leave her to fall asleep.

It will probably be a long night or two or three, but eventually she will stop the tantrums because they aren't getting her anywhere. If you give her one second of attention, though, you will have to start all over.

It's not going to be easy so be prepared. I would get a BIG bottle of wine or whatever you like to use to relax and dig in for a long night!

Hi,
I have heard that you shouldn't allow TV or computer use within an hour of bedtime. It is too stimulating - something about the "blue light".

One suggestion that I would make is to sit down with your daughter when all three of you are in a good frame of mind - perhaps morning or afternoon - to talk with her about bedtime. Ask her to tell you about why she's fighting you so much - not wanting to be alone, not wanting to be in the dark, over-tired, etc. She may not have the words for it, so help guide her through it. By telling her that you care about her feelings, you are putting her in the driver's seat in a good way... You can then talk to her, in the same loving and rational way, about how to improve bedtime. Have her offer suggestions of things that might help - but won't delay bedtime - and then talk about what will happen if she continues to resist. I know that I've often jumped to conclusions with my little ones, when I could have listened to what they were trying to tell me. Unfortunately, the heat of the "battle" is not the best time for any of us to listen ;) Good luck~