3 Year Old Keeps Talking About the Daddy She's Never Met

K.,

I have a neighbor girl that has a similar situation to you and she has been constantly trying to know more about her biological father. It was sometimes difficult to not have our hearts broken when she would crave info. regarding her dad. I'm not in your shoes, yet would a picture of her father be asking too much? I'm not sure. It sounds like you don't want any support or contact from your child's father, yet she will want to know more about him, especially as the years continue. I wish you the best. Keep the positive male role-models in her life and she needs one or more to show her a man's perspective.

S.

Hi K.!

My heart really went out to you when I read your post - you are doing such a brave thing and it is easy to see how much you love your daughter.

My situation is not the same as yours, but my daughter is biracial, so we don't look like most of the families around us (although, just like single parent families, our family is certainly not odd or strange nowadays).

I like the advice below about finding single parent families to hang out with. I have a friend who is raising her son all by herself (no dad in the picture) and she is part of some group. I'll try to find out the name of that group and let you know.

Other advice would be:

Find books that show families of different combinations - single mom raising children, grandparents raising children, aunt and uncle raising a niece/nephew and so on. I have been showing my daughter multiracial books since she was about 1 and talking about the different skin colors and races within a family and she just adores these.

Whenever you see a family like yours on TV, point it out to her with excitement. I have done this with my daughter - I'll say, "look! That family is just like ours! The mommy has light skin and the daddy has brown skin."

I don't know if she likes Sesame Street, but they are great for showing a wide variety of families, races, and people with disabilities. Many times, I've seen them showcase a single mom raising a child or children. The child usually narrates, something like, "I live with my mommy and brother. I love the weekends because that's when we go to the park" then they'll show the mom and two children having a picnic in the park.

One last thing - if you are feeling sad about the fact your daughter doesn't have a daddy and you sympathize too much with her, she may come to the conclusion that her life is really bad without a daddy.

It's a hard line to walk - on the one hand, you're human and what you went through must have been heartbreaking. You also don't want to dismiss your daughter's feelings.

Yet, you also want to make sure that you maintain an upbeat attitude about your life, the fact that you're a single parent (for now, at least!) and that there are literally millions of little girls and boys all over the world being raised without a daddy.

I was humbled by the courage you have shown to protect your little one and I wish you all the best.

Hi K.,

My sis-in-law was in a very similar situation as you are. Now her son, Jack, is now 11. Jack started asking "dad questions" around three years. At one point he would cry loudly, kicking and yelling for his "dad". But he the father is total out of the picture, like your situation. So my sis in law asked her boy if he would like to share her dad with her (his grandpa). Jack was so happy! He had some one to call dad. The relationship between grandpa (who lives a state away) and Jack is a little different in that grandpa takes a special effort to send cards on special occasions and visits every summer. I'm not sure what a psycologist would say about it, but it was a simple solution that seemed to work out nicely. Jack just wanted to have a dad connection, someone to refer to. He could say "My dad lives in California. I see him in the summer." Yes it was his Grand-dad. But who cares?

Dear K.:

My situation is exactly the same, minus the marriage. My daughter is not 8 and the questions become a little harder. Her reaction and wanting is very normal. She is seeing other fathers and wants this for herself(who wouldnt). At this age, it is not her father that she wants, it is just any father. At 3 my daughter started the same way and I would just hold her and tell her that her Daddy loves her very much but cannot live here. As she got older I stated the same and added that he wasnt able to make good choices. Now that she is getting older the choices part is becoming more detailed but with caution. Our therapist told me to always question her questions as she may not want to really know what she asked. Also never offer info if she doesnt ask. If you can remember that children will make everything their fault, it will help you help her, know it is not her fault. Please feel free to contact me if you need to. This is a tough road but well worth the sanity that comes from the Dad not being there with the instability. In the long run, she will be better off. Good luck to you, D.

My situation is similar and I know how hard it can be when you feel like your child is missing out on something. And although your daughter may be better off without her dad (mine is too) it is still heartbreaking when they figure out that their family is different. My daughter is 4 now and unfortunately the questions get harder.
Does she have other male figures in her life? When my daughter gets sad often I will have my brother spend some time with her, and I know I am lucky to have a brother that will do that.
She compares our family to the movie Lilo and Stitch (and she drew the comparison all on her own). there is a scene in the movie where Lilo says that her family is little but good, so that is what my daughter now says about us.
I don't really have any other advice for you, everything you are doing is the same that I am doing.
If you want to talk I am here and I understand! Best of luck to you and your daughter
K.

It sounds like you are doing a great job handling it! My son's father was not consistently around and he began asking questions around 3. My father was not around at all as well so I did for my son what my mom did for me. I started having my son spend one on one time with another male in the family, his uncle, my brother. I myself spent a lot of time with my grandpa and I remember that helped with the daddy situation for me. The same seemed to be true for my son.
It sounds like you have a big helpful family so maybe you are already doing this.
My biggest advice would be not to worry to much, you sound like a great mom. I know it's kind of a mom's place to worry. I do it too, but I always try to remind myself that if I just plant positive seeds and keep reaffirming them, my son will harvest what he needs.
You're giving her a great idea of what a "family" consists of, eventually you'll see it start to soak in.

Hi K.,

Boy can I feel your pain! I have three daughters, my oldest are 8 & 6 and a nearly 1 year old baby. The older girls' father has bipolar disorder and we just filed a no parenting time order with the court. He wanted to terminate his parental rights but that isn't something you can do in Oregon without someone to adopt them or unless DHS decides a parent is unfit. This has been dragging on for years and they have had little to no contact with him pretty much ever in their lives but when they did it was like Disneyland so in their minds he was GREAT. They have had lots of questions that have been hard to answer but I believe very much in telling age appropriate truth. Given that they were old enough to recall him having a breakdown, I had to explain mental illness but I did it at a 3 & 5 year old level (which is how old they were when it happened the first time). We have lots and lots of really tough conversations about him not being in their lives and it HURTS them, it really does. I make it a point to say that he loves them with all of his heart the best that he can. They need that. It has nothing to do with my feelings about it all, I just know that is what they need. I don't know how you feel about God, but a friend suggested, and I thought it was a good idea, to talk to them about their real Father, the One who loves them and will always love them with a perfect love. The reason my friend asked me to do that is that she grew up in a broken home and she said she would have done anything to know that there was someone there for her. My kids have taken that in and embraced it, especially when they are hurting. I have heard them talking to each other and one of them said, "yeah, but it doesn't matter cause our REAL dad is in heaven and he loves us and watches over us" and the other one said "yeah, that helps" or something of that nature. The situation breaks my heart but I know it is the right thing for them. Hopefully they will see it that way when they are older.

As far as the baby, she won't ever know her father as a child (I don't think). He chose to remove himself from our lives when I was five months pregnant and has never even asked if she was born. I dread the day she starts asking questions about him but one thing I can tell her is that she was conceived out of a great, deep love (at least on my part), and while she was a surprise, she is the best surprise I have ever had. I do think it will be easier for her because it is the 'norm' in our household.

I know that it is super important for girls to have a male role model that they can really look up to and learn the ways of 'man'. It isn't a reason to have an intimate relationship with a man, but finding a friend (that you know beyond a shadow of a doubt you can trust) that can fill that role for them is ideal. Obviously that is a really tall order but I have hope that someday I will know a man who wants to and is worthy of getting to spend time with my girls and me.

Ok, this turned into a book on me.....I know others offered but I will as well, if you need to talk feel free to contact me. Finding a support group with single dads as well as moms probably isn't a bad idea.