3 Year Old Driving Me Crazy

Wow, I'm having flashbacks to my daughter 3 years ago! My biggest suggestion is to stop screaming and yelling at her. It's hard, I know. You're going to be her biggest role model. If it takes you screaming at her to get her to listen, then guess what she just learned? Yep...if I SCREAM, they might listen to ME!!! Get down to her level and speak calmly and quietly to her. My daughter used to fling herself on the floor and kick and yell and I wondered who was going to be in therapy first - me or her. I didn't baby her, but I would try to change the mood. I used to try to ignore it. It didn't have an impact because she was (and still is at age 6) very stubborn and figured it was always only a matter of time until she won. (Which was something else I'm sure I accidentally taught her while I was passing out other valuable How To Create A Monster Child lessons like - yell and scream in order to truly be heard.) Anyway, I'd get on the floor and lay down on my stomach near her flailing, obnoxious body, and just watch her. When she finally stopped - I'm sure just to see if I was going crazy - I would just calmly ask her if she was done. And if she was, did she need a little love? Sometimes she would come to me for a hug and break down and cry...the sweetest little cry that was like a little relief. It's a hard age. They can tell you so much, but they feel so much more than they can actually explain. So we took these little breaks of 2 or 3 minutes of extra love. Her behavior turned around almost instantly. It took me longer to stick to my new Good Mom rule of Don't Yell To Be Heard More Clearly. When we stopped yelling, she stopped yelling. It was like learning a new language for us all :) My husband also had the dreaded commute and he wasn't up for her antics after a long day. He agreed to 3 minutes of nothing but pure love & attention upon walking in the door. It worked like a charm. She couldn't wait for him to get home. No more screaming at him, just extra love and looking forward to his arrival. It takes a LOT...A LOT...of patience.

She is so testing you. You and your husband are going to figure out what issue you want to deal with first and go down the line. Either you deal with the night time thing, or the temper tantrums. But work on one thing at a time. Come up with a plan of what you will do to help her succeed and how you will react to each situation. I.E. for bed time come up with a routine that you will go through every night and how will you deal with her getting out of bed. I would stand by the door way and wait for my son to come out. Each time I would march him back into his room and explain he is to go to bed and stay in bed. I didn't do anything but this and kept to it and after a week he was in bed no problem. The first few nights I would stand there for 30 minutes with each night when they realize you won't give in the time will dwindle down to nothing. With her tantrums, I find that most kids do it for attention or they have learned that they will get what they want if they behave this way. I ignore my 2-year when she throws a tantrum. They deminish quickly without an audience. If she is bugging the 2 year old I would give him the attention instead of her. Again she wants attention she doesn't care if it's negative. Come up with a plan for each situation and impliment it. Once the behavior is gone move on to the next one. Of course, these behaviors will rear their ugly heads again just to test you but don't get flustered. Use the original plans and let them know who's boss. good Luck.

I agree with Christy, everything she said it's true and works for me too.
My son is 3.5 and is no different.But I'm also very strict and
mean business,I try not to scream, because if you scream than they scream ,too.Of course sometimes I'm losing it.
They are just so crazy at this age,like wild animals.
But I have older kids and they went through the same, and turned out wonderful.
If he is so crazy that he does not sit in time out, I'd strap
him in the carseat for him and me to calm down,he knows and calms down pretty fast.
And I always explain why the time out and they have to apoligize,very important!
My teenager kids still always apoligize to me.
Good luck.... Marion

A., I feel your pain. Have you ever watched super nanny on tv? She has some really good techniques you could try. The main premise is, you are the boss, they are children, and in situations like behavior and other things there is no choice. THey will behave, respect others, say please and thank you, etc..If you give her a choice when there really isnt one, she wins. It's not about abusing, screaming, spanking even. It's about who is in charge of how she acts, her safety, her health, etc. Last week there was a family who has problems with one child, a girl being nice. She would throw a fit to get her way. It took 3.5 hours of taking her back to the naughty chair to get her to stay for a five minute time out. It was worth watching. See if you can't get episodes on the computer. It really is helpful. She has taken some real little terrors and turned their family life around. I see too many parents today trying to avoid saying NO, then as their kids age, they are out of control and have no personal boundaries. They drink, use drugs, get into trouble and are basically disrespectful. I have one parent at the school who is always talking about how her child is grounded, but yet, he always has his cell phone, always calls my child, is always involved in sports, so what is he grounded from? Picking your battles is key. Also, keep in mind, a tired child is harder to deal with. Make sure they get naps and have a schedule you stick to most all the time. I dont mean minute by minute, but dont try to do things when it's nap time, why torture yourself? First, tell her that the rules don't allow her to hit others, period. And, if she hits anyone, she goes to the naughty place. Pick a place that is central, easy to see, and If you see her hitting her brother, IMMEDIATELY take her to the naughty mat, stool, a stairstep. Place her there, tell her why she is there, and make her stay. She should stay one minute per year of age. So, keep her there. DOnt stand there and hold her there, place her there and walk away. And every single time she leaves her place, take her back without saying a thing. It may take a few times, but she will eventually get it. Keep taking her back until she has sat, laid, there for the three minutes. WHen she is done, tell her why she is there, that it isnt tolerated, and to tell brother she is sorry. Keep up with this every single time, and get dad, gma, gpa, sitter to do the same and she will eventually be like, "if i do it, they are gonna make me sit and i miss out on so much, so i had better not..". She will get it. As for bedtime, same deal. It's time to go to bed, place her there with her lovey, tuck her in, etc..Keep putting her in there without saying a thing until she stays. It make take a few days, but it will work. If not, call supernanny! Good luck! Let us know how it's going!

C

My three year old does this periodically. I usually ignore her when she screams and tell her I'll talk to her when she calms down. I felt bad yelling at her and I was doing it a lot, so I stopped. Now I talk to her quietly and if she doesn't respond, she gets immediate reenforcement. Like if I say, turn off the TV and come eat and she just stays, I turns the TV off and take her to her chair. Time outs are good. The key is to stay calm yourself so you're discipling consistently out of logic rather then emotion. And be consistent, nothing yields an insecure child like inconsistent discipline. Good luck....

I feel like I am reading about my son:) I am currently re-reading and implementing 123 Magic. What seems to work for him is taking something away. So if he is doing something he gets a count of three and then something like the toy he is playing with gets taken.

I have 3 yr. old twins (boy/girl) and I think that the behavior is somewhat normal for this age. We use a lot of time outs and I take things away from them that they love when they don't listen or misbehave. Some days are better than others, but I find if I am consistent with what I am doing, they know what is coming when they act up. My daughter is a bit of a whiner and when she starts I just tell her that she can't have what she wants until she can ask me in a polite way. My son is more aggressive with pushing, etc. and whenever he does this he gets a time out and the toy that he was playing with gets taken away. The one thing that really seems to help them is having a routine. They recently dropped the nap but we still have quiet time every afternoon (sometimes they fall asleep and other times they are just lying down watching tv). If they are good throughout the day I will try to reward them with something they like, such as a trip to the library or to the mall. Hang in there, things can only get better!

I work with 2-3 year olds (and have my own 2 y/o), and first let me reassure you that there is probably nothing "psychologically" wrong with her. At this age they know so much more than they're able to communicate (even if they're super verbal). I think it's often either over or understimulation. One thing I use (both at work & home) is a mad-choice board. It has pictures of lots of different things she can do when she's mad INSTEAD of melting down, such as taking a break (getting some alone time), getting a drink, squeezing, etc. I keep it on the fridge so as soon as she starts getting worked up, I can tell her, "Go make a good mad choice". This way I'm acknowledging she's mad, and that's okay, but there are good and bad ways to express it. Suprisingly just getting the choice board and looking at the different choices often distracts her and calms her down. The one that usually nips it in the bud is taking a break (not a time-out, a break). She goes up to her room by herself where I have some quiet toys for her (puzzles, stuffed animals, books). She will stay there for anywhere b/w 5 minutes and 2 hours!! I go in and check on her throughout and ask if she'd like to come back and play and she'll either be ready or not. And she definitely knows! When the choice board doesn't work and she tantrums or hits, etc. then we do the time-outs, removal of preferred something. I'd say it works 80% of the time, though. Good luck!!

I feel your pain, and I think this is very normal behavior for this age. I thought 3 was a really bad age for my oldest boy. He is now 5 and is much better, so there is a light at the end of the tunnel if you take care of this now. He used to do the same thing as your daughter, and I was going crazy. I felt like a terrible mom for yelling so much at him, but he wouldn't listen otherwise. Anyway, I just started doing time outs a lot. Any time he didn't listen to me he got put into time out. After a few days, he realized that I meant business as he was on the time out chair most of the day. I felt like he had all the control and I had none, so I turned the tables on him. Make sure the time out chair is in a place where she will be by herself and will be bored. In addition, I started to spend more time playing with him and praising him. If he did something good, I made sure I noticed and praised him a ton. I think once I started yelling less and praising more it helped. That is my biggest suggestion and I found it works for us. You may want to start taking away privelages for not listening. Maybe take away a toy she likes for the day. If she starts crying and tantruming, tell her when you put her in time out that big girls use their words and that you will not talk to her until she is calmed down and able to use her words. Basically ignore her tantrums and crying as much as possible. You may also need to tell her what words she should use when she is mad. Tell her, "I know you are mad about xxx. You need to not cry and tantrum and use your words to tell me you are mad". This acknowledges her feelings and teachers her how to react to her feelings as well. Whatever discipline works for her is what I would do. Don't be afraid to be hard core with it, as she may need that to realize you are serious. Also, be consistent. If you aren't consistent, then it will fail. Finally, praise, praise praise the good things she does.