3 Year Old and a Newborn

Jen,

I am in the same boat. My son is 2 and a half and my daughter is 4 weeks old. What helps is we found out my daughter has acid reflux, so that's part of the fussiness. She is now on baby pepcid, I also go a moby wrap. It helps settle her down, plus then I can chase the other one easier. :) I also got a busy toddler book. There's tons of cheep ideas of stuff to do with him. I found when he has something to do he get's in less trouble. Another thing that works for us is the shower. I know it sounds weird, but I put a few toys on the gound and hold her. It works for us. Good luck and hang in there. This too shall pass.

K.

When the baby is asleep you are going to need to make it special time for your 3 year old. When the baby is awake, maybe she would play house with you? Does she have her own doll she can change the diaper on when you change the baby? Maybe she can old her baby too when the new baby is sad? Help her feel like a "little mom"- the big sister, not the baby that was replaced. Hope this helps. Good luck.

Hi Jen. Have you talked to your pediatrician? He/she may be able to give you some suggestions or direct you to another type of doctor or professional. I would really work on getting your husband on board, it's way too much for you to have to take on by yourself. Even without the problems, a new born and 3 year old are a lot for one person.

My husband had 2 daughters from a previous marriage and when the second daughter was born, the first was 2 years old. (They are 17 and 19 now). The older one was very jealous of her new sister and pulled chunks of her own hair out. The older girl has had many physological issues growing up and at the age of 16 or 17 started drinking and then it turned to drugs. In hind sight, the hair pulling at the age of 2 was her way of getting attention and the first sign of what was to come. I don't want to scare you, their mother also added fuel to the fire by pinning the girls against each other and picking favorites but I see what your daughter is doing to hurt herself as drastic as my husbands daughter pulling her hair out. Your pediatician my be able to direct you to a counselor or someone who can give you suggestions on how to help your daughter find another way to express her feelings. It's great that you're asking for help. I wish you the best of luck.

I went through the same thing with my son (who was just under two) when my daughter was born. Go buy a good wrap (I like gypsymama, but a moby is a nice cheap option too), wrap her up during the day, and then you'll have your hands free. The baby will be less gassy and happier as she is upright and on you where it's nice and warm, and you can still play with your 3 year old because your hands are now freed up. Let me tell you it's been a LIFE SAVER!

My boys are the same age apart and the second was very gassy also, so I can relate to those issues, but not the self inficting negative pain attention. I nursed him, but he was always hungry, so he needed supplemental formula also. For a month, when he was 3 months old, he cried every afternoon from 3:30-7pm, sometimes for 15 min. and sometimes for 3 hours. He grew out of it at 4 months. The things that we did to help that were giving him the simithicone baby gas drops before each feeding, using Dr. Brown's bottles for formula, switching to Nutramigen colic formula when not nursing, soft pink earplugs for me from Walgreens (seriously), taking him outside, soft music, vibration, motion. I had a friend that had a 3 year old boy and she had a lot of playdates with my older son, so he felt like he was getting special big boy play time or get to go for an ice cream cone etc. He also got to help feed the bottle to his brother and he liked that. We did watch a lot of cartoons together...at least we were all 3 cuddling on the couch! Good Luck! Hang in there!

Sounds like you're getting a lot of the same advice. I had the same experience when my youngest was born. My older daughter was 5 & was used to being the center of attention. The BEST thing you can do is find one-on-one time with your 3 year old. I know it's hard when you have a newborn, but I'm telling you it will help so much if you can find this time. She desperately needs it.

My former husband (note former) was like yours. Not suggesting that you get a divorce, but resentment in this type of situation can be a marriage killer. He needs to step up to the plate.

It will definitely get better!!! Hang in there.

C.

Sounds like your oldest will so anything for attention right now, and (sorry), but it also sounds that Dad needs to step up to the plate. Both of you probably will have to find a way to have 1:1 time with your oldest, 15 min / day does wonders.
My daughters are about the same age difference - 3.5 years and 5 months. When we first came home with the baby, our older one was so happy. She has been and still is a great big sister. However, she did not appreciate if I spent time with the baby. So very often, for example, when I was feeding her, all of a sudden our oldest could not do anything for herself anymore. I am often also alone with both, so we had some issues.
For the most part I think it helped that I took the time to have 1:1 time with her the second baby started going to sleep. My husband and her are also doing things together as well, and they are not necessarily treats, often they just go shopping and that does not mean that she gets something, they simply go out together.
I tried to keep the night time routine the same as much a possible and I am constantly giving her options to choose from where appropriate, so she can have some control over her life, even though so much else changed.
I am also working on being consistent when she is misbehaving. She gets a warning and then the time out and I am letting her know what she is putting at risk by continuing the behavior.
For myself, I am trying to get as much sleep as I can, so I have more patience with her.
Our baby is coming on up on her 5th month birthday and it has started to get easier for the last 4 weeks or so.
Hope this helps!
Good luck and much patience!
D.

Let the baby cry sometimes and spend a little time alone with your 3 year old. I did the same thing- thinking I couldn't let the baby cry. My mom always said it's good for their lungs. If you are not ok doing that then maybe you can have a family member come and spend time with the baby while you have time alone with 3 year old. Your three year old is wondering if your love for her is being replaced by the baby. She needs attention now too, because she is used to having it all to herself.

Take care it will take awhile to adjust, but everything will settle down.
K.

Hi Jen,
My heart really does go out to you. My son was 2 yrs 3 mo. when our 2nd was born: while I nursed, he did everything he could to try and provoke me (no matter how much attention he got at other times). I'm proud to say, despite how frustrating it got, I kept my cool (whew - not easy!!)

I did 2 things to ease things a little: I let my 2 yo watch TV, but *only* during nursing times (no TV the rest of the day-so it stayed "special"). My son also found out I could nurse AND stand up and walk him to his room as punishment - boy, that surprised him the first time I did that!!! - lol! He'd get calmly and quietly walked to his room and left there for the remainder of our time nursing: that really had a nice effect, because the 2 yo became calmer and more respectful during the times I had to nurse. No more provocation of Mama :)

Your husband... I honestly don't know what to say. Sounds frustrating :(

Good luck, and lots of happy wishes for you sweet little family.
T

You're not alone! I have a 3 year old and a 6 week old, and I have been experiencing the same thing (although no visits to the ER yet). My once well behaved daughter has turned into little goober! I DO think it's slowly getting better though. I think the hardest time is when I'm feeding my little one. I try to find a way to interact with my older daughter while feeding my younger one. I ask her to dance for me (she likes to dance) or sing, or tell me about something. The only thing that has really worked for me so far is to try to involve her some how with everything. For example, when the baby is crying, I ask her to sing to her (even when I know it won't help). That sort of thing. I'm sorry that's not the best advice. If nothing else, from what I've experienced so far, and from what I've been told, it DOES get better. Good luck to you, and let me know if you find something that works!

J.,
Your husband needs a swift kick in the rear. These are his children too, demand his help. I'm apalled at his behavior.

Hi J.,

I think you've gotten tons of great ideas to include your 3 y.o. in being with the baby and you. She still needs all that attention, and believe me - I know how exhausting it is to care for 2 + kids! You can do it if you start your day off with a little bit of planning for how to have those "mommy and me" moments during a busy/crazy day with the newborn.

What is actually very disturbing is that your hubby does not help out - in this day and age, that is just plain Wrong of him to think he should be able to do whatever he wants because he is off work. You are not a single parent, so why are you living like one??? Being a mom and dad is a 24 hour, 7 day a week job, and although his day-job may be tiresome, he CANNOT disappear and leave you and the kids alone. The future of your marriage will not be bright if he doesn't include himself as being a father. That is really sad and I hope you find a way to 'wake' him up to this fact. There's nothing bad about him wanting to relax for an hour after he gets home, but then after that 'unwind' hour, he needs to be there with you and his kids...

Oh honey I feel for you! I have 4 kids and I've so been where you are and IT DOES GET BETTER!!! Three years old, in my opinion, is the hardest age. Do you have any help you can get from family (besides your hubby...I know how that goes) or maybe a young neighbor? I find the hardest times are in the evening too, when you are tired and the kids are tired...maybe just from 3-6 you can find someone to come hold the baby while you take your 3year old to the park or at least make dinner in peace? I would also suggest taking your baby to your pediatrician and see if they think she may have reflux. My youngest was an awful newborn and when we got him on prevacid (which I strongly hated doing) he was a different baby. It was worth it. Also, I swear by this sling I got called the Moby Wrap (google it) it was about $40 and worth every penny. I would put my son in it (sometimes all day) and he loved it. I then had my hands available to play with my 2 year old. God Bless you J....it will get better I promise!

It will get better! My second of five had colic all the time. There are some great products which you can find at Walgreen's and other stores. As things have changed over the years, I can't say for sure which would be the best. Though I am sure you will hear of some tried and true remedies from some of the younger Mom's who have been through this more recently then I. As for the three year old...patience and consistency. She needs to know you love her, but still have consequences for poor choices. Good luck!

Are you sure she is intentionally trying to hurt herself?? If so, you need to call your pediatrician to help you with some information. When I came home with my twins my 21 month old hardly spoke to me for the first couple of days, she just clung to my husband, who had eventually had to go back to work. Then she found every type of mischief that she could get into, especially while I was sitting and nursing the babies. She'd climb, get into things (once she dumped the whole container of baby powder on the floor). I think she is just trying to get your attention. You will have to put baby down and spend a little time with your three year old. Maybe put the baby in a swing or bouncer, that always helped soothe my babies when they didn't feel right. Best wishes.

Ouch. I have been there too. I have also had the nightmare 80 hour a week job that spills over into family time. It gets better as the baby becomes more routine and the 3 yr old realizes you aren't taking it back no matter how badly she acts.

With your baby being so little you may not be up for it yet, but a baby carrier and walks will help the 3 yr old. Not sure how close the nearest playground is, but if you can make a daily trip there with both munchkins, your 3 yr old will have play time and be less busy in the house.

As far as the hubby goes, let him know that you will gladly help him get time to work, however he needs to plan on some family time too. Even if it is only 45 minutes, your life would be so much easier.

Your older girl seems to be just needing to be shown that she is also important. I have a 2.5 year old and a 9 month old. What helped me was to occupy my older girl first. Washable crayons in the highchair, her favorite Dora or Sesame Street dvd, snack time, etc. By taking the time to give her something special to do, she was not upset when I began nursing nearby. Also talk to her while you are nursing. Not correction or scolding, but conversation about alphabet or colors or shapes. We have one of those drawing boards that I would draw a letter with my free hand and she would guess what I was drawing. Although I agree with the other moms about your husband - his day does not end when work does- this might be some solutions that would make him more willing to participate too. God bless.

hey. i think you need to make your husband help! He might have a stressful 8 hour job 5 times a week but you h=work 24/7, no breaks, no sick days, no vacation!! He needs to understand that. He also need to be involved in his daughters lives, play games and also help enforce rule otherwise your girls will have no respect for him later on. trust me i've been there! I think you should sit down with your husband and explain these things to him! You have to be very careful with a situation like you have with your girls. try to give as much love and attention as you can to your 3 year old. maybe try reading or singing songs with her. i'm sure the baby would love singing! thats the only thing that would calm my son down at times. just give it a try. I hope things get better for you!!
Good luck!
S.

I am using babies magic tea to soothe my windy baby.He was very fussy at times but since I am using this tea all my worries have vanished.

I too have been there! My second would not let me put her down and would not sleep! My husband also was little help after a 12 hour day. The advise I used and have passed on to all my friends is to find a friend or neighbor that has a young girl, about 10 to 12, that will come over and be mother's helper. I know once they know you want/need them they are calling all the time to find out if they can come over. I would usually pay them about $2 an hour and ask if they want to come for a couple hours at a time. They love to do arts and crafts with the 3 year old and LOVE to hold the baby. It is worth the money for the extra pair of hands!

Hi there J.

I had the same problem with my son when he was a baby. He would cry all the time and wouldn't sleep as well.

I had breastfeeding specialists giving me drama telling me to sleep more, drink more water etc. After seeing our family GP, I found that supplementing with formula gave him the extra food that he needed and he would sleep more.

The only advice that I can give you in relation to your three year old is how about if you set up a play cupboard/play areas for her to entertain herself whilst still in your company?

I had a plastics cupboard with pots and pans and some cooking implements in it as well as some special toys in the loungeroom.

Maybe this might help you somewhat.

All the best

J.

First, it WILL get better - you just have to get thru this time as best you can. My kids are also 3 years apart and my daughter would constantly (and still does) act out to get attention. It helped to let her know that when brother napped, it would be "Mommy and Hannah" time; that was our special time together when she could pick what we would do - coloring, playdough, running around the yard blowing bubbles, reading etc. On weekends, my husband and I would take turns with each child - one Saturday he would take her to the zoo while I did something else with her brother. The next weekend, we'd go to craft time at Lakeshore Learning Center while Daddy and brother went shopping at the hardware store.

Oh dear I can tell why you are worried! I am so sorry to hear about this, I know how stressful it must be. First of all spend special time with your 3 yr old and aknowledge her feelings about the situation. What she sees, how it upsets her, etc, then remind her of how excited she was to have a sister, or to be a sister, etc. Next time go over the same things and add what you need from her. Trust her to cooperate and she'll sense that in the way you talk to her. Then anytime it comes up bring it up again. But first acknowldge the baby in the 3 yr olds presence. ex""Your big sister really needs some mommy time and is trying to get my attention. Its not okay to (say what she is doing) to get mommies attention." Then aknowledge how the 3yr old is feeling. Acknowledge acknowledge acknowledge! Thats all kids want. It shows them respect..to themselves and to you, teaches them to cooperate, and helps them accept "no" better. Any questions email I do this all the time!

H.
Newborn Care Specialist and Professional Nanny

Sounds like your husband needs to step up so both kids get the attention they need. For instance, try to take your older daughter out for ice cream or to the park while your husband stays home with the baby, or have him put one child to bed while you put the other to bed. He's copping out & not taking responsibility for his children & it's really unfair to everyone. Have you had a heart to heart with him? He needs to know how you feel. You also need to make sure you you have time out of the house, without kids, with a friend or alone, to maintain your sanity. Good luck to you!

J. -
So sorry to hear things are so stressful at your house. Bringing a newborn into a house with a 3 year old is always hard. For some reason, the older siblings seem to do better if they are 2 or 4. Three is particularly hard. I had twins with a 3 year old at home,and it was quite a challenge. All you can do is love, love, love her and give her all the attention you can muster in those few moments the little one isn't demanding your attention. Your husband's attitude is a point of serious concern, and you need to have a serious talk with him. I'm sure his job is stressful, but so is yours, probably more so, and yours goes round the clock. His "checking out" at the computer when he comes home is unacceptable, and you need to tell him so.
It will get better. Hang in there.

I only have one 9 mos old, so I don't know if I'm much help, but one thing my mother in law told me she did (she had three kids), was when it was time to deal with the newborn, she told the 3 y/o that it was his book time... not time to nurse the baby (even though that was what she was doing), but so he would feel like it was his time and that worked for her.

I feel your pain about your husband though. I wish mine would help more too. He does sometimes, but needs to more.

This does not necessarily help with your 3yo, but have you tried taking diary out of your diet? That helped tremendously when breastfeeding my son. It took about 3 days to make a big difference for me. It can take up to two weeks to get the milk protein out of your system, though. I just got rid of the major milk stuff: obvious milk cheese, etc. I have heard that some women have to go a lot farther and not eat anything with casien (sp?) at all.
I was off of milk for almost a year. ymmv.

Tell hubby that taking walks is good for stress, strap the kids into the stroller & hand it over!

Your husband needs to be a Father. If your husband does not get in the picture, your children will have issues in their life. You are working also - being a Stay At Home Mom and that job is the most important job and parenting does not stop at 6pm, it is a responsibility. You should not feel guilty about asking your hubby for help. If your hubby is resistant, get some books to read at night together to educate him on how important it is to be involved in his children's lives. In addition, it is important for your relationship to work together as a couple to raise your children. No matter what the age of your children (mine are 6 & 8), they will always need attention to grow up to be self confident people. So that does not get any easier as they grow older, they just need attention in different ways. Children get different things from Fathers and different things from Mothers and they need both parents to be balanced. Try to look into your husband's life as a child....were his parents there for him? He may have trouble knowing what to do or he is scared. I hope he is the type of person who will listen to you and eventually do whatever he can to be a good father.
K.