3-Year Old Is Afraid to Go Potty

Updated on March 29, 2008
K.A. asks from Fairborn, OH
12 answers

My sweet little three year old granddaughter is afraid to even sit on the potty chair. She can hold her bladder for hours, and that is part of the problem. My daughter used the "Toilet Training In Less Than A Day" method with her, which went well at first. She did go a little, but then held her bladder for quite awhile. When at last she did start to go it came out in such a rush that it scared her and she stood up. Since then she won't even sit on the potty. She can be dry all night and hold it for several hours after she wakes up. After a couple of weeks of trying, they put her back in diapers. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thank you so much.

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So What Happened?

Thanks for all the responses. I appreciate the different ideas and points of view. My daughter and her husband have decided to just back off and relax about the whole thing for awhile. Several people emphasized that kids are just different and will do this at their own pace. That's a good approach I think. I also think the idea of squeezing water into the toilet with a plastic bottle is very clever. Personally I think that would probably work well, and I hope they try it. Thanks again everybody!--K

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T.G.

answers from Cincinnati on

I never used a potty chair w/ my son. I bought a small toilet seat that fits on the regular toilet and he had no problem going on there. Maybe going on the big potty would be easier. Good Luck!

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A.H.

answers from Cincinnati on

Hi K.,

My daughter was also very afraid of the potty at age 3, and she also held her bladder like your granddaughter. The cold turkey method of taking diapers away did not work for her. We battled with her to the point where she would only go once or twice a day, and only in a diaper.

To undo the problem we did approached it from two angles. First, we set up a system where she had to empty her bladder at least six times a day - we made it part of her daily schedule, and we allowed her to go in a diaper at first.

Then we started to offer incentives to make the potty less frightening and encourage her to relax. For us, the incentives were M&Ms. So for one week, she got an M&M every time she went in her diaper in the bathroom. Then next week, she got the treat if she stood right in front of the potty when she went. The third week, she had to sit on the potty fully clothed and go. The fourth week, she had to pull down her pants and sit on the potty, but she could still wear her diaper...etc. These "baby steps," which eventually even included cutting a hole in her diaper, finally enabled her to see that no harm would come to her if she went in the potty, and she eventually became potty trained.

Every child is different, and I know your granddaughter will get there eventually. Please reassure your daughter that she is not the only mother to go through this, and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

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M.C.

answers from Cleveland on

I did not like that book. Kids need time to train on the potty. I put my then 2 and a half year old in pull ups and let her take the lead. She's almost 4 and totally trained. Each kid is different, and if you're really concerned, talk to the pediatrician, and get her advice. I tried a potty chair with her favorite Dora character on it and she loves it.

Maybe try putting her in panties and once she's wet or dirty a few times, she may figure out she doesn't like that sensation. above all, don't push her too hard, all kids go potty eventually.

M. mom of two

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W.N.

answers from Dayton on

My advice, as a grandma myself is this: Get rid of the potty seat. My children were also afraid to use them, and I found that when I got rid of them, and placed them on the regular commode seat BACKWARDS they were not afraid any more. It took a few times of me being there with them, but soon enough they were telling me to "GO OUT!" I found this method helpful with my grandchildren and great nieces and nephews also, along with several friends who encountered this problem. After awhile, when she is comfortable enough with the regular seat, turn her around in the proper position, and stay there again until she is comfortable with the process. You would be amazed at how quickly they will adapt, and make the whole experience much easier.
Also, I am not a medical person, but I do know through experience, that if she continues to constantly hold for too long, it could lead to health issues. Holding the urine can lead to bladder and urinary tract infections, and holding the stool can lead to constipation problems. Take my word, I had doctors tell me that is what happened with my first-born child.
I hope my advice is helpful.

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A.M.

answers from Youngstown on

put music on or distracr her as she is going pee..it may make it easier if she isnt worrying about what is going on when she is peeing..have her go to the bathroom reguler times at a set time relax her as u would want to be

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M.P.

answers from Indianapolis on

A 3 yr old needs to use the potty. Put underwear on her, make her sit on the potty whether she goes or not, and if she makes a mess make her help in the cleanup. Let her know she cannot go back to diapers, that she must learn to use the potty. Maybe Mom can have her sit on the potty each time she goes to the toilet, so they are there together.

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L.C.

answers from Dayton on

Was it the sound of the urine hitting the potty? Was it back splash? As weird as this sounds I would get an old dish soap bottle like dawn, or joy. I would clean it out and fill it with water that I put yellow food coloring in. I would tell her the bottle is like the part of her body that hold her pee and that just like when we squeeze the bottle our body sueezes and the pee comes out. Sometimes it comes out gently (squeeze the bottle gently) and sometimes it comes out fast (sqeeze the bottle hard) and when it does it can be splashy and make a big sound. I know . . . it's super corny. But kids that age really do better when they have something they can see and understand. They really are so smart. If you are feeling brave and you don't think it would encourage her to play in the toilet let her squeeze the bottle as hard as she can into the toilet and hear the sound and see that everything really is alright.

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D.B.

answers from Toledo on

After getting 4 boys through the potty training i learned alot.Kids potty train at different ages, my first one at 2, 2nd and 3rd by 2 1/2 and the last one was 3 1/2,Through this process especially with the last one i learned you cant force them,I did everything with the last one from putting him in underwear so when he wetted it it would bother him to rewarding him with treats everytime he went and nothing worked,i even went to the ped doctor thinking something was wrong with him because the other boys were trained by 2 1/2. They told me he just wasnt ready and i thought gee am i not going to be able to send him to preschool because he is wearing diapers so i laid off of him for a month and then all of the sudden he started asking and telling us he had to go and we had him trained in 1 week,so dont give up it just takes time

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A.M.

answers from Lima on

Hi - my two boys did the same thing - they all of a sudden stopped sitting on the potty. I read it was probably due to something they were scared of - falling in or hard stools. Anyway, whatever the reason, I read to let them "practice" just sitting on the potty. I told my son he did not have to go potty, just practice sitting. He sat and took the opportunity to sing to me and tell me stories. He went potty on mistake while practicing and now goes without hesitation. I did have to have a piece of his favorite candy in my hand the first couple of times to convince him to sit, but it worked! Good luck!

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L.H.

answers from Cleveland on

Hi K.,
My daugther just turned 4 a couple days ago. I finally got her on the potty, maybe 3 or 4 months ago. She used to sit there for a couple mins, and when I knew she was close to going, she would jump off and say she was all done. She still has a fear of going poop on the potty. My advice to you and your daughter, is to STOP buying diapers/pull-ups. This helped me ALOT!! Once my daughter reliazed she was not getting anymore she eventually started going on the potty. Also, I started a sticker chart, which you can print out on the internet. I told her everytime she went and filled up the chart. I would take her to the store to pick out a small toy. This really encouraged her to go on the potty.

I know its fustrating, it was for me.. but, I always looked as it as another milestone.. just like getting them off the bottle, binky, or sleeping through the night. it takes ALOT of time, patience and practice!

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L.B.

answers from Columbus on

My 3.5 year old daughter is recently potty trained for pee, but not for poop. I've tried many incentives for her poop--for her, it is a control issue--I think she is so accustomed to standing up when she poops she doesn't know the right muscles to use to push it out sitting down. She has really tried, especially when I offered an MM as a reward, but as she got closer to it coming out, she'd ask for the diaper. She just couldn't bring herself to do it. Her 22 month old brother recently started pooping on the potty (but no pee yet) and when he did, she tried again with the same result. This is one that she will have to figure that out some day.

The moral of my story is that they all develop at different rates and we have to allow them to do what they need to do. Especially when they are 3 and up, it is harder to "force" them to sit there.

Interesting idea with the squeeze bottle--I'd try that if I were you. It sounds like there is fear involved in your story.

Good luck!

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S.K.

answers from South Bend on

I've never potty trained a girl before as I have 4 sons. When my boys were training I went to the library and stocked up on all the kids potty books. I went to the dollar store and stocked up on little toys that I used as prizes for when they went potty successfully on their potty chair. Mini M&M's worked as well... you could even use those as a reward for sitting on the chair for a specific amount of time ~ whether she actually pottys or not. Poop was a more difficult issue... we went to Toys R Us to pick out a toy that they would get to buy when they pooped on the potty. Bribery always worked for me! LOL! =)

Good luck!

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