21 Yr Old Daughter...getting Married; Living W/ Her Boyfriend

When a child moves out of the home you are no longer required to pay for the wedding at all. It's up to you. I wouldn't reward her bad attitude to you by paying it myself. You aren't being treated as a mother but being used. It's like a child saying "I want this so you give it to me". Attitude is everything with spoiled selfish kids.

Actions speak louder than words. I bet her father and her husband-to-be's family are all supporting her emotionally. Helping her pay for her wedding is part of being a parent. Traditionally, the bride's parents are supposed to pay tor ALL of it. You need to stop judging her decisions and just BE THERE for her.

Wrong? No. Sad? Yes.

This is all meant kindly;

A year ago... You had a relationship with your daughter. One close enough that she talked over major life decisions with you.

But then, you started using money to manipulate her.

This is where that tactic has gotten you.

This is an excerpt from my response to your last post surrounding your daughter and money.

_____________

She's a young adult, she's going to make mistakes from time to time (learning process), but if you've promised to pay for school... yanking that funding to control where she lives and what she does in her spare time... runs the risk of losing her entirely.

She's an adult. She can choose with whom and where she lives. You obviously have enough influence in her life that she's TALKING with you about decisions she's making (instead of just making them with no imput from you)... but just because you have input doesn't mean you have total say. As an adult, she's free to listen to your advice, and follow part, all, or none of it.

You want to not pay for her school, if she doesn't follow your advice, fine.

But be prepared to lose her.

The more strings you attach, the more likely the puppet will cut them.

________________

Regardless of what we thought would happen if you either threatened or did what you were considering ... You now see the results.

If they're not what you WANT (and it seems like they're not)... Then change the way you are doing things. Its only been a year of bad blood. This can be fixed. But only if you make some serious course corrections.

Sounds like she has a pretty complicated life with her parents divorced, her dad remarried, and a 4yr old in her mom's home. Is the 4 yr. old a half sister? She seems angry, lost, and/or immature. I would try and rebuild a connection with her. I am not saying you have to give her any $, but I would really up my efforts to try and repair things between the two of you. She needs you! She is so young to be getting married. Maybe she is trying to fill in some emotional void she has or run away from her problems. Reach out to her and try and see past the selfishness. This girl
needs her mom.

I have a lot of thoughts about this. She made her choices from the ones you offered her. So it's not all her fault she had to move out. You are still her mom no matter if you didn't want to allow her freedoms that an adult should have.

We don't know what she was wanting to do that you said no to, it could have been really serious infractions or it could have been something as simple as not wanting to have a curfew. That said, she decided to do what you said, either go by your rules or leave so she did. She feels you kicked her out and that you owe her. You abandoned her so you should be made to pay.

But again, since we don't know the full back story that is supposition.

I would say you have to decide what kind of relationship you want with her for the rest of your life. Do you really want to to have this conflict forever? Or do you want to get past it and be at least friends again? The choice is part yours and part hers.

At least she is including you in the wedding, she could just be getting married and not even invite you. It sounds like she is putting the ball in your court. She needs for you to tell her where you are willing to go from here but keep in mind, this could be the last conversation you ever get to have with her. She could say that's it and never contact you again. If that is the line you are willing to draw in the sand and challenge her to do it your way or else...well, you have a lot to think about.

When I moved in with my boyfriend at that age, we each had full time jobs and I would have starved to death rather than ask my family or his family for money..

We became engaged, saved up for a year to have a wedding..

His parents told us we "did not have their permission to get married".. We told them "we were not asking for their permission we were just informing them".. They told us they" would never give us money for a wedding", we told them, "we did not want or need their money for a wedding, because if we could not afford to pay for our own wedding, we certainly could not afford to get married or we were planning a wedding we could not afford to pay for ourselves."

Let your daughter know she has proved she can live without your assistance and so now that she is all grown up and wants to live by her own rules, she can certainly take care of herself financially.

You may use my personal feeling that "if you want to get married, pay for it yourself. She needs to pay for what she can afford."

Hang in there.. She thinks she is a grown up, let her prove it.. If she does, start treating her like a grown up..

My mom was always there for me, emotionally, but I knew it was not her responsibility to financially take care of me, once I chose to move out..

I wouldn't be into it either. I would be more than happy to contribute to a wedding for a child that is not living with her boyfriend and is treating me with respect but from what you describe that isn't what is going on. I would tell her sorry but I'm not paying. That is like rewarding poor behavior. If she wants something let her work for it. It really isn't part of parenting to pay for weddings and I wouldn't bail her out so she can continue to make poor decisions. You are expected to guide her in making good decisions but being a parent doesn't mean you are supposed to shell out money.

I am assuming that the schooling part that others are referring is covered in a previous question. Let me assure you that if a child of mine were living with her boyfriend she wouldn't receive one penny for anything from me. It isn't about puppetry it's about parenting. You don't reward poor behavior. I have told my kids over and over again. I am responsible for teaching the right and wrong and I will but my butt to do that. I will support them in anything good that they do. Once they get out on their own they are responsible for their decisions. If they make poor ones I will be incredibly disappointed but it won't be on me and I won't fund it. This relative reality that everyone seems to subscribe to is a crock of poo and I don't stand for it in my family. My kids know it and they know why I don't stand for it. There is right and there is wrong and we don't fuzzy the edges. If one of my children ends up dumping me because they don't believe the way I do it will heart but that is their decision and it won't change my mind. They will learn even if it has to be the hard way and once they learn they are more than welcome to return.

My parents said the same thing to me when I was in college. If I was old enough to live with a boy or get married, I was old enough to pay my own way. I agree with your stance. However, if this relationship if fractured and if you want any hope of it getting better, I suggest you give her the money. I understand where you are coming from, but even though she is 21 and wants to be viewed as an adult, she is acting like a child. You are the grown up, you are the mom, despite what you feel, you have to be the one to continue to make an effort. I guessing in her eyes you don't support her. You may not agree with her decisions, I don't, but you have to support her. Show you that you will be there for her. Her perception is that you don't support her but her boyfriend's family had her father do, so obviously she will want to spend time with them and give to them and not you. She has and will continue to choose them over you if you don't show her that you are there for her. If the amount is an issue, talk to her say you can't give $1500 because you don't have it, but you will give as much as you can and you will help in anyway you can. It's time for you to suck it up and do stuff you don't want to do, that's part of being a mom and a grown up. You're daughter will learn that one day. My nieces and nephews only contacted their dad for money for the longest time, he kept giving despite his feelings, and as they got older and realized that my sister, their mom, poisoned them against their dad, they developed a relationship with their father again. However, had he cut them off because he didn't like that they were contacting him for money, he would of confirmed what their mom had been telling them and their relationship would of been destroyed permenently.

If she is asking for $1500 rather than saying "Pay for my entire wedding", then I think you should do that. You should also act HAPPY that she is getting married. Getting married means that she is taking responsibility for her life and hopefully will be working and taking care of a husband and moving on with the next phase of life.

Don't give her any advise about her wedding. Just "show up" and smile and be nice and then go home. Call no more than once a month after she gets married. If you want to invite her and her husband to dinner once a month, that's probably better. If she says something rude, ignore and change the subject by speaking to her husband. (Have prepared neutral questions like "Did you see the Patriots play last Sunday?") When you "ignore" her and focus on him during her outbursts, it is very obvious to them both that she is being rude and inappropriate. Hopefully she will "grow out" of this.

Once she is married, don't give her money. Just leftovers if she eats dinner with you all. When she gets pregnant, she will stop being jealous of the 4 year old. And she'll have a lot to worry about with being pregnant. She'll probably lean on the inlaws - fine. Just try to be pleasant and don't pry into her life.

My mom and I have always gotten along fine, D., BUT, I didn't understand how amazing she was until I had my first baby. Maybe she will figure this out too.

I do think that you should give her $1500 (if she asks for more later, tell her that you are sorry, but you've given her what she originally asked for and that's all you have budgeted for the wedding). If you don't, you may find that you close the door on your relationship for a very long time, and you may not even be invited to the wedding or to see your first-born grandbaby. Parents of the bride are expected to contribute financially to their daughters' weddings, and $1500 is actually a pretty small amount. You need to do it.

Dawn

gosh reading all your previous questions, i just feel like there is so much chaos and drama and ill feelings going on with your family. that's so sad. no wonder your relationship with your grown daughter is so messy.

i think it really just boils down to, either you give her the money, act happy for her, attempt to rebuild bridges, or you stick to your guns because you feel you are "right", and the relationship deteriorates even more. which is more important? your daughter, or the money?

if it was me i would do anything to salvage the relationship with my child. you're the parent. she's the child. it's not on her to "fix" this. yes, she might be going through a selfish phase. but she didn't start all this drama. she certainly didn't end up with this personality by accident. she was put into this life. so again, i feel it's on the parent to fix things, at all costs. just my .02.

I moved out at 18, worked, went to school which I paid for and I also payed for my own wedding. THAT is what an adult young woman does. She does not ask her mother for money. She does not demand that her wedding is subsidized. She does not show up and leave when she feels like it without consideration of others.

Sadly, it is too late to parent her into being a decent person. Now you have to treat her like a peer and set boundaries like you would for any other poorly behaved adult. She may be your child, but you can not be a doormat just because you love her.

D., I too am going through something similar with my oldest. She is clearly in selfish mode regardles of the season and you know what, sometimes you have to let them be. You cannot control her, as she did something about that, by moving out. Of course she is going to come to you when she needs money, that's what most rebellious children do. You are entitled to feel this way and entitled to do as you wish about it as well. Perhaps some tough love on your behalf is in order. Give her what you can or explain to her, like the big girl that is playing house that she is, why you can't or won't. Sometimes it takes some communication and perhaps she'll realize she's all wrapped up in herself.

If you're not working right now, then giving her money is out of the question. She's been taught that love equals money, but she's still young enough to figure out that that's not true. She sounds very damaged so I do hope that maybe she gets herself into therapy.

When she comes to visit and requests money, don't give it to her. No cash, no checks, no credit cards. You don't have it. No job means no money. If you're on unemployment then that has to pay for your bills and groceries for the children that still live with you. She can join you for supper or Sunday dinner and watch TV or play games on family night, but no more money.

Adult children move out. At 18 it isn't always a wise decision but it is/was her decision to make. Never give someone a choice that you are prepared to let them make (if you really weren't ok w/ her moving out, maybe it shouldn't have been posed as an option). You did tell her if she didn't want to go by your rules she needed to move out...she did. I am not saying you were wrong for that (don't know what rules she wouldn't follow) but you did play a part in it.

Regardless of how you perceive her visits, she is still visiting you. She is craving the relationship she wants with you. She's jealous of the relationship you have with the 4 yr old daughter...my guess is that when she was that age, you were stricter with her that you are her sister. They have more neat things so your 4yr old may have more or better things than her. She may feel that since you have a younger daughter, you don't need her anymore. Even if these things aren't true, it doesn't mean it isn't how she feels.

My guess is that your relationship with her (being your first and 17 years prior to your youngest) was always different than that of your younger daugther. Not saying it's right or wrong, it's just fact. She you had your olderst she was your first, you were younger and for 3 years she was it. Then you had your son so now she has to share you. By the time the little one came you had two older kids (14 & 17) so they didn't need you as much as they would have if they were younger. You could focus more on the little one, you were more experienced and she is your "baby"...it's different and your oldest sees it.

Can you take her for some girl time...just you and her....lunch or dinner and maybe manis and/or pedis and just talk with her (not AT her). Explain that you love her and even though she's a young adult, she is still your child. Ask her how she's feeling. Ask her what she needs from you (as in does she want your opinion/advise or does she just want you to be there for her)? Tell her you want her to make good decisions and sometimes as a parent it is hard to watch what you think may be not so good ones and in that light you may have not taken the best approach but keep in mind she is your oldest so you haven't went through it before. Tell her you are sorry if you've said or done things that hurt her or come across wrong. Let her know that when she comes for a visit, you want to spend time with her and her to spend time with you and her siblings. Give her what she craves from you (acceptance and love).

As for the money for the wedding, would you provide it if she was doing what you wanted (had stayed at home and followed your rules)? If so, I think you should be willing to provide it now. Now, if it was always known that "if you do this, I will provide $1500 towards your wedding" and she didn't do whatever "this" was supposed to be, then it's ok not too. Example...my cousins lost their dad when they were young. Another aunt and uncle took them under their wing and told both that if they stayed in school they would buy them a car. The oldest of those two dropped out = no car. The younger one stayed in school = car. The younger one later dropped out, the aunt and uncle took the car back. They still did things with and for them (that as aunt and uncle rather than parents it was above and beyound) but the car was an incentive to stay in school.

If you can afford the money, and she needs it, I would give it.

I am 25 years old i have been married since i was 21, my husand an i just ran and got married at a court house, was going to go to have a wedding but due to family illness we didnt. We are planing to get married at our 5 year ann. and it will be all out of our pocket, even our first one was going to be paid by us. Im not asking my mother to pay for anything due to i know she cant afford it. sounds to me like you need to find a counsler. He maybe some what possive and this is why she behaves the way she does.

The best mantra I've ever heard is from my own in-laws -- "show up, shut up, and smile." It's offensive that they tell me all the time that that is their mantra, 'cause now I want to know what they're shutting up about! But, I do know that there is no better way to stay in your adult child's life, and that is how I keep the peace with them. That is also how I keep the peace with my own parents, whom I love very much -- my sister holds grudges and always comes back from visits with them filled with the most petty complaints and I know she's rude to them while she's there. Again, show up, shut up, and smile. What does it hurt. She's maturing and growing -- you have a choice -- you could hold that grudge, feel smug, and let her grow farther away, or you could consider that $1500 an investment in her future and show that you're mature enough to allow her to grow in the ways she needs to and you will always be a safe place for her to land. She will come back to you if the door is open -- if you show up, shut up, and smile -- but if the door is closed, she will move on. I know what I'd do.

I am ditto to Rachel B's response. I got married at 21 in the courthouse and we are renewing our vows at our 10 year anniversary, in 2014. We will pay for it all on our own (minus my parents insisting to buy my dress).

I think your daughter sounds crazy and needs some help.

I wouldn't contribute a red cent to the ceremony and I'd let her know I was not supportive of the marriage. I think.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Like you, I've been down that road with late teens/early twenties kids who just don't get it. Mine have come around a great deal and matured once they hit their mid- late-twenties. Keep hoping!

If you look at the relationship you have with her now, $1500 is a lot to shell out. I guess I'd look at what kind of relationship do I WANT for the future -- not the one I have for now. In the hope of keeping at least some relationship doors open, I'd pay it if I could. It's not about what she deserves now. It's about keeping the supportive doors open for the future.

Good luck --

My Grandmother went through something like this, and she has basically booted to the curb all who are not appreciative of her time and efforts(she's 90, and expects a call at least letting her know they got it, rather than the banks cashing it as her only indicator).
Those who don't let her know it is appreciated(my one Uncle came to expect it, and NEVER thanks anyone for any help ever given, and rather thinks he has done it all on his own. He's now trying to gain control of my Grandmother's estate--while she is still alive and in sound mind. He's also NOT the power of attorney or executor. Yeah, he's not being spoken to at the moment).

One of my friends left her home at 18, because she couldn't deal with the rules. She got married later to the man she was living with. Mother didn't contribute a dime. Mother shouldn't have to. In this day and age, why is a bride's dowry so important?

A dowry is the money, goods, or estate that a woman brings to a marriage. It contrasts with bride price, which is paid by the groom or his family to the bride's parents, and with dower, which is property given to the bride herself by the groom at the time of marriage. The same culture may simultaneously practice both dowry and bride price. Dowry is an ancient custom, and its existence may well predate records of it. Dowries continue to be expected in some parts of the world, mainly South Asia. America is not usually one of those countries.
The daughters of wealthy 19th century industrialists, who were able to inherit large amounts of money and property, were given "dowries" by their fathers to marry European aristocrats who held a title but had little wealth. The mutual exchange of title and wealth raised the status of both bride and groom.

That said, if you cannot afford it, you cannot afford it, and daughter isn't treating you respectful anyway. I know for sure my Mother wouldn't give me a cent if I acted that way, and she might crash my wedding to beat my @#$ for bring so utterly disrespectful(being half Asian, that sort is sort of expected).
Let her know you aren't happy with the way she is treating you, and if she doesn't respect you, you aren't going to contribute. If she still doesn't treat you better, then follow through.

That said, if you are being apathetic("just not into it") and not giving for no reason, it's very wrong.

Agree or disagree, as always it's...

Just my 2cp.

Is it wrong for her to ask you to contribute $1500 or wrong for you to be "just not that into it"?

Your daughter is selfish and if she knows you are not working, she should not expect you to contribute any money. You can help her by giving your time to help in the planning. Stop giving her $ when she randomly asks or it because that is what your relationship has been reduced to. She'll get mad and won't talk to you, but that's better than being a doormat...even to your child.

Don't do it. And stop giving her money. You are enabling her to be that way. If she wants to get married and have a nice wedding she can get a part time job like my son did, and save for it. Unless you are filthy rich which doesn't sound like it, if she is old enough to get married she is old enough to go stand in line at a courthouse, and throw a dinner for her family and save up money for a home. Perhaps I sound cold, and my son's wedding was beautiful, once again because he and his wife saved for it. Yes it is about the money. I just watched several people foreclose on their homes. One family did so because they couldn't say no and had to have not one, but two consecutive years of huge weddings. They went way into debt for one day.
I was married twice, the first a huge wedding for a marriage that didn't last, and the second eighteen years and it was in a courthouse with no one present. We have a home. If you have an extra fifteen hundred dollars, save it for her and give it to her later as a down payment for a home. I mean, is it me or do a lot of people think fifteen hundred dollars is not a big deal? Because I was self supporting for quite a while it seems like a lot.
And where did she get the money to give all these people christmas gifts?
Think about this, just say no, she'll find the money somewhere if that is what her values are.

Getting married (the first time) is a rite of passage.
She might be an adult but she still has some growing up to do.
She might manage it someday or she might never.
How was the $1500 arrived at?
Did you have any input or were informed of the ransom demand?
Can you afford it?
You could just pay it and consider it your last obligation to her and from then on she is an independent adult - then no more money and only small gifts/cards.
She might have no more use for you when the bank of Mom dries up.
What you do with regard to gifts to grandchildren you can decide later.
Or you could decide she's grown up as of her moving out and tell her 'No' to paying anything for her wedding.
Your 18 yr old is about grown and you have a 4 yr old left to raise.
Consider what precedent you set and how your relationship with your children will be if you do the same for all of them or some of them.

Your daughter has reached the peak of the "I know everything, you know nothing" phase of her life. She is an adult and can make her own choices. I think as her parent you will love her no matter what, but that doesn't mean you have to like her bratty, selfish decisions. It's tradition for the bride's parents to pay or chip-in for the wedding, but not mandatory. I would really try to be able to help with the $1500, and try to remember the daughter you had the first 18 years. She is an adult, and it's time for you to be passive in your parenting - like a dinner invitation on Sundays, for example. You have two other kids that need your attention more.