2 Year Won't Sleep

Hi T.!

Wow! You're up all night and now you have this challenge. Kudos to you in changing your outside job to give your children quality time!

This is what we did for all sorts of behavior modification. It may not be for you, but I thought I would put it out there for you if you were interested.

As soon as the kids understood, we drilled this into them. The 3 rules in our home are:

1) Treat other people the way you want to be treated.
2) Do what you are told to do, when you are told to do it, and do it without whining or complaining.
3) Every time you are asked to do something by Mom or Dad, you answer, "Yes Mommy/Daddy, I will." (This rule was especially important ages 2-5, and I was anal about it. I can give you the psychology and all the areas in later years that this avoids problems in if you want to ask sometime.)

The exercise I have below actually is what we used when the rules of the house were consistently being broken. I am a firm believer in negative reinforcement for the first 7 years, but sometimes it simply doesn't work, as you are experiencing! So, we started this game, but we used "noticing when they kept a rule of the house" instead of the targeted behavior. It works for anything.
This will require some extra time on your part for a couple days, and some forgetting about dental health for just a short time. Start it in the morning, long before nap time. Get a cup or small jar and put a piece of masking tape on it with "[your boy's] Rewards" written on it. Then, get a jar of something that's his favorite that's small. (I used M&Ms, but you can also use raisins, etc. When they're older, coins and new Lego pieces do the trick--at least for my youngest boy it did.) Sit him down with both jars and tell him that you're going to start a new game. These 2 jars are going to be sitting on the counter. Everytime he obeys, he gets to put an (M&M) in his jar. Then, every day after, he gets to eat her (M&Ms), and then the game starts again right away. "So, if I ask you to put the towel away, and you say, 'Yes, Mommy, I will,' and then you put the towel away, you get to put an M&M in your jar while I'm watching for obeying. [Note: do NOT use the example of the bed]. So, do you want to start to play right now? Ok, let's try it. Ummmm, could you go put that toy away?" When he does, hype it up and say, "You did it! I guess we have to put an M&M in your jar now." Then let him do that. Then right away, "OK, let's try something else. How about we unload the dishwasher? I'll give you something and tell you where to put it, and then if you obey me, you get to put another M&M in the jar." The aim here is to have him get 10-15 in his jar, so give him lots of little jobs that he can easily succeed at. (He'll probably start asking for what she can do next to earn an M&M.)

Then, throughout the day, be vigilant and really notice when he obeys your commands. Target every little thing for the first couple days. If she disobeys, say, "Oh [your boy]! Don't you want an M&M? Why don't you [do the thing you requested] and I'll put one in your jar?" Then, when it's nap time, nonchalantly say, "Okay, so if you stay in bed this afternoon, you get an M&M! And don't forget, if you stay in bed, after nap you get to eat your M&Ms." At this point, I would put a digital clock in his room and write on an index card in the block numbers the time he can get up. Put that card above the clock. "[your boy], when this number (the hour) looks like this, and this number (the middle number) looks like this, and this number (the last number) looks like this, then you can get up. But if the numbers don't look like this and you get out of bed, you cannot get your M&M." This should be presented in exactly the same tone and way as all the other things you've asked him to do. After nappy, give him the jar and say, "Wow! Look at all the M&Ms you earned. I wish I could eat all of those. You get to eat those now because you obeyed so well. When you're finished, we'll start the M&M game right away." For the next several days, there should be at least a little improvement in behavior.

Every behavior is only worth 1 M&M, even if in our minds staying in bed all night and putting a spoon away seems unequal.

I'd love to hear how this goes for you. After you have used this for a couple different behavior modifications, you can introduce getting AND LOSING the M&M. But for the first few times, make it completely positive reinforcement.

Wishing you God's best,

C.

Hi T.,
I remember that crib-to-bed transition being really hard. Have you tried putting a baby gate at his doorway? We did that because we did not want our son roaming around at night and his bedroom was right across from our stairs. He would cry, and usually eventually go to sleep. He HATED his toddler bed and would end up falling asleep on the floor. We ended up turning his whole room into a big crib--blankets and pillows on the floor because even when we would put him in his bed sleeping---he would get off of it and go back to the floor! UGH! It was awful. I should have left him in his crib longer--that was my mistake, but once the crib was gone we had to deal with it. It took a long time & we just left him sleep on the floor of his room--didn't have much choice!
As for the naps--also a nightmare at that time. Try getting him to take "quiet time" where he stays in his room for an hour or so--maybe watching a DVD or looking at books. This may be the end of naptime for him. Sigh. Could you try starting to get him ready for bed earlier at night so you can factor in the insanity time and still have him in bed earlier? Good luck!

Hi T.,
I don't know how much advice I have to give, but I wanted to tell you that my daughter turned 2 in April and we are going through the same thing! (except she is still in her crib) Bedtime and naps used to be a breeze, now she needs a drink, or another song, or wants me to pat her back for awhile. We are just trying to stick to our regular routine. When we shut her door she usually cries for a little, and as hard as it is, we just let her work it out on her own. (as long as the crying ends in a reasonable amount of time, and it usually does) I'm hoping that this phase will just pass on it's own. All I know is, I don't want to give in to her every request or it would be taking her hours to get settled. I don't want to get into that.... good luck to you!

My pediatrician said that this is normal for a 2 year old. They are at an age where they don't want to miss anything. My daughter does the same thing sometimes. Try doing your bedtime routine at naptime. He may make the connection that it is time to go to sleep.

Second child terrible twos. There are challenging. I would bet he is very inquisitive and doesn't want to be left out of anything. It is a phase but it is also a two year old's trying to assert his indepentants. The best advice I can give you is to keep to a schedule. Give a nice warm bath at night without toys in the tub (stimulation), classical music helps to calm them down also. Lay in bed or sit by the bed and read a few pages in a novel, no short stories, but only if they are still and they close their eyes. Eyes open..the story stops. Turn the lights way down and use a book light to read by. Make this the nightly ritual no matter what else is going on...structure and predicability is everything. Make sure the rules are know and the consequences for not following the bedtime rules are known ahead of time also. No yelling when they don't follow the rules, warn first then start with the consequences...quietly. They are trying to get your attention and are over tired...play by your rules and don't let them make the rules. Okay, I will stop rambling now. This worked with my non-medicated hyperactive son at that age, we have always been strict but fair. Rules and consequences were always understood. I now have 2 great grown kids (33 and 20)

I am really a big believer in the Ferber method, which has different tactics for bed time for two year olds than you may have heard of for babies. It teaches your child to stay in his bed by using a door closing routine. If he wants his door open, he stays in bed. If he gets out of bed, you close the door for a matter of seconds and it is dark. He cries for you to open the door, you open it and ask him if he wants it to stay open. He says, yes, you say get back in bed. It works like a charm. You are sending him the message that you mean business and bed time is serious business! As far as the nap goes, he may be just dropping it. Both of my boys dropped theirs around that time. I wouldn't knock yourself out. If he doesn't seem to want to take it, I would let him skip it. Or have "quiet time" in his room. Good news is that eventually he will pick up a little sleep at night time. Good luck!

Hi T.,
I would recommend the book, "The Sleepeasy Solution". It gives practical advice and helps you set up a sleep plan for kids up to age 5.