2 1/2 Year Old Out of Control! - Santa Clara,CA

One thing you can try, when she is in a bad mood, is tell her that if she has a bad attitude to go into her room for some alone time. Not really a time out, but more of a "go in there and do that" kinda of thing.
When my son gets whiny or angry I tell him to go do that. He goes in his room, yells, screams etc and after a min or two comes out and says "riley all better mom"

Works for me.
Other than that have you thought of who she might have picked that up from? My son never hit people until I started taking him to an old friend of mines house. Her little one hit so my son thought it was ok to do so.
Needless to say, he hit his daddy once, and Woah after he saw the effect of that from daddy he's never done it again.

Also sometimes little kids seem to "act out" when they want attention, but also when they are tired, or hungry.

She may understand mentally.. but not be able to do it fully, nor have the impulse control to be totally in control of it. As most Toddlers are at that age.

No mater what method you use, it has to be consistent... and despite protests.

How does the Nanny handle her????

Does she nap? Tired toddlers can get like that too... or when they are hungry. And they don't have the full ability to succinctly say that, to you.

teach her how to communicate. Teach her the name for feelings, good or bad. ie: I am happy, I am frustrated, I am grumpy, I am tired, I am hungry etc.

Also at this age, they are changing a TON... and they developmentally do begin to have 'fears' of things and get 'scared.' Their imaginations and cognition are changing....

She also needs to start to learn coping-skills... which they don't know how yet. So a parent has to teach and explain that. It takes time for them to learn and 'master' it..... in addition to 'rules' and saying "No..." to her... teach her ALTERNATIVES for what she is doing.... or teach her how to ASK for help.... for whatever it is that is frustrating her.

It takes time.. but start now... at her age... and gradually with consistency and 'practice' and role-playing... a child will get better at it.
They need to learn 'skills' for their behavior and how to handle it.
Just like adults.
But like adults, there needs to be clear boundaries... and for what is unacceptable.

all the best,
Susan

I've seen this a lot with my own grandchildren - not hitting me, they wouldn't dare - but hitting their mother. They don't hit me, even in play, because I taught them immediately that they don't hit grandma, even in play. You see, when you allow a child to hit you when they're extremely young in play, they don't see the difference in hitting when as they get older in anger. And when I say teach them young, I mean when they're nine months old and they go to slap you for the first time, you catch their hand, look them dead in the eye with a VERY stern look on your face and tone to your voice and you tell them in no uncertain terms that they are NEVER allowed to hit me. Now that your daughter is 2-1/2, you need to implement this right away. The next time she hits you, don't just put her down and say no hitting, get down to her level, look her directly in the eyes and with a very stern look on your face and very stern tone in your voice, tell her that she is NEVER allowed to hit you and then send her to her room for a significant amount of time., No stupid time-out chair for two minutes - won't work. I mean, to her room, door closed for thirty minutes at least! You need to make a huge impression on her for her to understand how serious you are. This to me is a serious behavior and requires a very serious consequence. If you don't get through to her now, wait until she's 12 and decides to hit you!

well,
you have a toddler!
My son went through that and let me tell you that it wont last forever. It is easy looking back at it now giving someone advice and I know that it is hard to go through it now...but, hang in there. At one point I put a baby gate across his door to his room and he started climbing it. It was because he wouldnt stay in time out and then I tried to use 2 gates. he started trying to climb those too. So, I wouldnt recommend penning her up or anything. I think the best thing would be to change what she is doing at the moment. Let her knwo that you are going to pick flowers outside and tell her that when she is done with her tantrum that she can join you outside or in whatever activity you are doing and then let her see you go and do it. She will stop her stuff and follow you. I read this book and it said to just turn your back on the child and not give a reaction to their behavior. even going to do dishes or something would be a non reactive behavior. It is not ignoring "her" , it is just showing that you dont want to be around that kind of nonsense....I hope that gives you something to try!

One of ours used to be kind of like that and he turned out sweet when he got a bit older. =)
One idea I have is that you could try to find ways to give your little one a feeling of "choice" or "control" (over something appropriate).
I was just reading about a study done with babies where they could turn on music by touching something, and they liked it, but it was found that if the music was played without them controlling it, they got mad---they liked the music, and they heard the same amount of it, but they lost the ability to choose when the music played, so they weren't happy anymore.

I was thinking that the attention-wanting could have something to do with control. Babies can't control much, and you are pretty much all they have, so if your attention is diverted, it could be frustrating. The strongest and most natural consequence could be to withdraw your attention when the baby does something wrong to get attention--good behavior gets attention, bad behavior doesn't.

Also maybe find a special toy to substitute for your attention, to keep the child busy when you are otherwise occupied.

Wow! Your daughter sounds like a carbon copy of my 2.5 year old son. He is also clingy and "scared" and has to be carried all the time. I don't know if it has to do with the hitting, but he started hitting about 2 months ago too. As for an answer, I may have found one literaly 2 days ago. I was so fed up with the hitting, which was only intensifying, that I started doing "real" time outs. Up until now, time outs had been more like a cooling off period in his room, since I did not feel he was ready for real, stand in the corner time outs. But out of frustration, I tried it, and it has worked.
When he hits, he even knows now, and goes to his corner, where he has his timer, and he stands for 2 minutes. I have been extremely consistent, even a pat that was intended to be a hit counts.
It has really worked. He now stops before he hits me to think about what he is doing, or he hits a surface instead. It is baby steps, but he is definitely thinking about finding other ways to vent his anger.
I don't know if that would help, since you are already doing time outs. But try changing up the routine and be extremely clear about a no hitting policy. I guess there is nothing revolutionary in this idea, but good old consistency has work.
Good luck!

J., as the mother of 5 and the grandmother of several I wanted to give my 2 cents worth of advice. Your child at the stage of 2-3 is going through so many internal changes going from babyhood to toddlerhood and preparing for little childhood that its a emotional roller coaster ride( and a view of preteen years). Please know that you have to reinforce that you are the parent and not the friend( a friend would have hit, bite back) and you are in charge and not the child. So firmness and not just "talking to the child no sweetie that's not good" won't work. We have a little one that I like to call our tornado and she is all over the page with this kind of thing. When her mother says ENOUGH then she stops and takes a breath to rethink her actions, for me I start counting and only get to 3( have 3 generations of kids that have tried to teach me to go to 4) and when I get to 3 they know punishment is going to happen as a natural consequence of THEIR actions. Once she gets that she is grateful that you really do love her inspite of her actions she may be able to rethink her plan. I might also try whispering in her ear. Just hold her tightly and say I love you, this is not acceptable, you do not have permission to treat me or others this way what ever you wish to say . By whispering you know she has to stop, calm down, and then listen hard to hear you. It has worked well with ADHD children for years around here. She is just really getting it that she is not th only thing in your world and hates the competion.
Good Luck Mom,