2 1/2 Year Old and 9 Month Old (Help)

I always recommend the book SIblings Without Rivalry. I know no one wants another book, but my girls are now 6 and 8 and I still refer back to it for pointers and mostly reminders to myself of what NOT to do. It is mostly in cartoon format so super easy to read and grasp. I constantly found myself saying - well geez that's obvious! But when the kids fought the exact opposite, or what my mother would have said, would STILL be what I would say..

Some of it is very hard to do esp now that they are older and come home with issues and I want SO to tell them how to fix it. I truly recommend this one.

Try praising her everytime when she is nice to her sister. You may need to show her how to play nice then praise, praise when she tries.

I like Heather's suggestion! Also any book by Eileen Faber (I think someone mentioned Siblings Without Rivalry).
I still maintain that hitting, striking, pinching a child to teach her NOT to do those behaviors is ineffective. Let's assume that it did "work" in that instance, the mother still did not address the underlying cause of this behavior and address the feelings of resentment. By biting back, or whatever it was in that situation to "teach" the child not to do that to me is nonsensical. It may have temporarily suppressed the undesirable behavior but I guarantee it increased feelings of resentment towards the younger sib. Just my opinion. Anyone can read my posts to see how against corporal punishment I am! lol Sorry....I get on my soapbox too often regarding that subject. I just don't see how spanking a child is a good way to teach them how to resolve personal conflicts without resorting to physical violence...to me, the irony just kills me....
Sorry, D., that wasn't geared towards you...I just hope you wouldn't take that advice, but everyone is free to do what they wish ( even reject my advice completely)!

We had the same problem with boys. Unfortunately, we had to simply keep a close eye on them and continue to separate them or give timeouts in order to remain consistent about not tolerating hurtful behavior. Now they are close friends and occasionally do things to one another but nothing to worry about - simple teasing, etc. As a matter of fact one time recently when someone saw the 5 yr old teasing the 3yr old at a picnic, the adult intervened to "stick up" for the 3yr old. Oddly enough, the 3 yr got very upset at the adult for interfering and yelled at the adult to "stay away from his big brother"! We were amazed at the bond that they have established over just a few years. Anyway - to answer your question - stay close and supervise, but you don't necessarily have to stop all unfair behavior. Some things they will have to work out among each other, and in the process a strong bond will grow.

I only have O. child but it sure sounds like the green-eyed monster to me!
I agree with the extra time & attention for your older girl, but you need to make it clear to your daughter what will and won't be tolerated. Keep it up with the time outs and make her apologize and hug her sis when time's up. You need to make sure the little O. is safe, so be consistent!

I am not claiming to be the authority on children and behavior but it sounds like a different reaction from you may help. You said that you put her in time out and try to explain that she is hurting her, which is a great idea, but not working in this situation. Your older daughter is getting your attention even though it is in a negative way. Not sure if you would consider trying to not even acknowledge your older daughter when she does something physical to your younger one but instead give lots of attention to the baby. In other words pick up the baby and tell her, "I'm so sorry that your sister hurt you, that wasn't a nice thing to do". Give the baby extra attention and cuddles making a fuss over the baby and not your older daughter. This may be a way of sending your older daughter a signal that hurting her sister is not a way to gain your attention, even negative attention. On the other side of the coin you need to catch your older daughter doing ANYTHING nice to or for the baby and when she does (even if it is saying something nice or bringing her a toy or helping you in some way related to the baby-bringing a diaper, helping mommy in some way) make a huge deal about it and praise her for being a great big sister and a great helper for mommy. It's totally normal for her to be jealous of your attention to the baby so try to use that attention as a way to deter her from negative behaviors. Hope that helps!

I have an 2 3/4 boy and a 9 month girl. She tries to get everything of his and often he will shove her down and away from his toys. I tell him no don't do that, she is little, and tell him to pick one toy to give her so he can play with the rest. He was used to being the only child and now that his sister has learned to get around and getting his toys, he just has to learn to share. So I would say that it is the same way with your girls your 2 1/2 yr old hasn't had to share much before and now her sister is getting around and getting her things. All the pushing away won't stop but once she understands she needs to share with her sister it will take care of most of it. One rule I have with my son, because he likes to play with some of her toys, Is that if he want's to play with her things then he has to give her one of his toys. At first he was like no way mom; but now he dosn't mind that much. I hope this helps a bit and good luck

My middle daughter had a similar reaction to my son. The best solution I found was to involve her more in the care of the baby. Make her feel special by being a little mommy in a sense. I also made sure to plan some activities with just me and her so she knew I still loved her just as much. Good luck!

Diana,

I totally agree with Heathers reply. From a psychologial perspective (I'm studying counseling) it is called negative reenforcement, because you are taking away attention (or toys, privledges etc) from your older daughter. and giving attentention(time, activities etc) is called positive reenforcement. I would suggest that you find what your older daughter likes and use that to reward her and what she doesn't like to dicipline her. You need to try something different, because what you have been doing hasn't worked, but you will need to be consistant.

D.,
I have no experience with the issue you are having but I do have a suggestion. It sounds to me like jealousy. Take time for your older daughter just you and her time away from the younger sibling. Make it a Mommy and Daughter day maybe one night a week. Even if it is for an hour at the library or to get an ice cream cone at Friendlys. But she needs the attention. During your alone time maybe let her know how much you love her too and that you love them both the same and that she should be nice to her sister. Make her feel important by helong out in a 'big sister' way.
Hope this helped
Christina

I have two girls. We had the same problem. I actually went outside the family for help. The most important thing to learn is that she needs her own special time. So when the baby naps do special projects with her or special games. Just mommy and me time. Also you have to praise her for doing nice things with the baby. Such as a sicker chart worked well in my house. My daughter loves stickers. Since she is getting your attention when she is doing something wrong she is going to keep doing what is wrong just to get that attention. Move time out to a room out of sight so that when she does something wrong you will not be giving her so much attention. Like her bed room. Make sure you ask her why she did that. It helps you and her become aware. And always have her apologize to the both of you. So that she knows that she is not only hurting the baby but she is hurting you. As soon as I started having special time with my daughter and treating her like she was my big helper she changed she was not perfect but she changed. Keep her more helpful with the baby like asking her to get a diaper or something so that she feels like she is helping you. Reward with your praise so she knows she is getting attention for doing what is right. This should help. God bless you.

Everyone's responses here look helpful. All I have to say is these things often just go away over time. My older son is 19 months older than my twins and he was great with them until they start getting around and playing with his toys. Then he started with the aggression. I tried really hard to pay special attention to him when they were napping and I did give him time-outs (and I would try really hard to keep my cool because a reaction from mommy seemed to encourage him) or took away the offending toy when he hurt them. I don't know if it helped at all but I did slowly see a decrease in the behavior. Lately I've been pretending to give the twins time-outs when they do something to him (they're 18 months old so I don't think time-outs work just yet on them). I really think that has been helping, him seeing that if they do something like hit then there are also consequences for them. I don't know what else to tell you except this too shall pass!

I had my older daugters 14 months apart. My oldest used to try and step on the baby or throw things at her. It was absolutely jealousy. In a short amount of time it all melted away and they became partners in crime :-) The only thing i am confused about is it has already been 9 months and your oldest is still upset. I would just keep telling her that this is not nice and she needs to give her sister a hug. Hopefully the stage is about over. I just do not remember it going on 9 months.... i would be wrong.

sounds like jealousy. when the baby sleeps do you spend quality time with the older one? have her help with her sister? bringing a diaper, holding bottle even letting her give her a spoonful of food with your help.

Talking and explaining and time outs don't work for this age. You need effective consistent discipline when hitting or biting occurs.
www.backtobasicsdiscipline.com

In addition to all the other suggestions, what they seem to do at my daycare is to point out to the child doing the hurting that hey, you made the baby cry, you hurt him. And a hug and an apology is needed. I tell my boys, look, he's crying, you made him sad, can you tell him you are sorry? They don't automatically come with empathy, you sorta have to show them what that is, to point out what their actions are doing, even if it seems obvious. I would add that in to whatever else you decide. My eldest is three and a half, the baby is 21 months, and now, when they hit or hurt each other, the other always insists on getting a hug or a kiss as an apology.

Also -- if they are fighting over a toy, try putting the toy in time out, rather then the child. That is oh so much more effective. I tell them, if you can't figure out how to make the other one stop crying, toy goes into time out. Mine are approaching the age where I should be letting them battle it out a litte, yours are still younger, but you could try the first half. Also, putting your timer on the stove and giving them each five minutes with the toy also works.

My two boys are 18 months apart and I thought it was only with boys:). Our youngest also has many medical needs, so we have tried to spend extra time to help our older one to offset that. My older one gets special projects to do only with me or daddy. Often on Saturday mornings when the little one sleeps, the older one gets to go out and do an errand with us as well. He is allowed certain "big boy" privledges and is also asked to help with his brother like fetching a diaper or getting a toy when the older one doesn't want the baby to play with his toys.

This have definitely gotten easier (although not perfect)in the past few months because the baby is moving and playing with him and my older son loves that (as long as he doesn't touch "his" toys:)

Our older has special days out with mommy as well and that has made a big difference. We usually spend little or no money, but he loves the time.

Best of luck!