1St Pregnancy and My Baby's Father Has Left Me, I'm Only 7 Weeks

Updated on July 24, 2010
R.J. asks from Memphis, TN
23 answers

I'm 22 and this is my first child. I work full time and I'm a full time student. he is 26 unemployed and isn't interested in being with someone who is. I would love for my child's fatrher to be there but after several days of ignoring me and not answering the phone he called this afternoon and said that he is back with his ex girlfriend and that he doesn' t want to be with me. How to come to grips so early in the pregnancy that I will be doing it alone. I don't want to be so depressed that I harm the baby. But I wanted the father to be there.

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S.P.

answers from Philadelphia on

Hi Raenesia

I am concerned for you because of your statement " I don't want to be so depressed that I harm the baby." If you feel suicidal, please get help from a professional NOW. Depression is a disease and can be treated even when you are pregnant, you can get help from a counselor. If your statement meant that your feelings of being down and sad could hurt the baby, rest assured that baby won't be harmed by your mood. You are allowed to scared and sad and feel overwhelmed right now. Reach out to friends and family. Talk to your OB. If your child's father doesn't want to be part of his/her life, surround him with uncles, grandfathers and other positive male role models. You can do anything you put your mind to, even if you have days where you feel overwhelmed. Be strong Momma, and congratulations on your baby.

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K.H.

answers from Washington DC on

I think your off without him , if he can up and leave you for his ex when you are pregnant then do you really want a man like that in your child's life? He has no job so is of no use to you. Many women are single parents and they have made a success of their lives and you can do it to. Pick yourself up and dust yourself down and take this as a life lesson and DO NOT let him walk in and out of your life as he sees fit...it's not fair on you or your child.

I wish you all the best

3 moms found this helpful
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L.N.

answers from New York on

you do NOT need him. i promise you. it will so good in the long run. your own child. you're a full time student, try to get family members and friends to help you in the beginning, but it is so doable.
you do not want a man like that in your life, even if he turns around and has a change of heart.
please reach out to any of us if you get negative thoughts.
god bless you and the baby
L.

3 moms found this helpful
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S.H.

answers from Honolulu on

****ADDING THIS: ****
Raenesia... PLEASE make sure you go to all your Pre-natal exams. I hope you have an OB/GYN?
This website, is a great website where you can learn all about babies, their development and other concerns: www.babycenter.com
ALSO, this book is great and I recommend you get it:
"What To Expect When Expecting" which you can get at any bookstore or online like at Amazon.
Take care!

Try to find some joy... in your becoming a Mommy and your baby's life.
It is true joy... to be a Mommy and with your baby.
Gain any help and support from your family or close friends... tell them your situation and be honest in saying if they can just be there for you... as your substitute "family" with you through this time...

I know you wanted the Dad to be there. But maybe this is good that he left... meaning that you NOW know his true "character" and he is a coward and a dead-beat. Irresponsible is a nice way to put it.
Use that to your benefit... it will do a child no good, to have a Dad like that. And it will do YOU no good to have a man like that in your life... he will only have caused more problems.

You also want to make SURE... you LEGALLY designate the custody of this child. To protect you and your child, in the future. Get legal help... and plan ahead. On the Birth Certificate as well... you would put YOUR name as the parent, and YOUR LAST NAME etc. I would NOT put "his" name on the birth certificate...otherwise this will give him control over YOUR baby... and cause a lot of problems later & he could even demand to have the child and/or take the child anywhere. I know its hard... but you MUST think of these things. Now.

I know its depressing, but try not to focus on him... focus on your baby... on being as healthy as you can.... and going to all your pre-natal visits. Accept any offers of help from your close friends or family... if they are positive influences. That is what you need now.

Focus on being a "family" with your child, even if you are a single Mom. "DREAM" of fun things, traditions, hopes, that you want to share with your child. Write a journal of your pregnancy and all the profound things that this brings you... and the things that you want to teach your child.

HOPE. Keep your hopes and dreams... YOURS... not you "and" him. Yours.

It does not seem so happy now... but sometimes the most special things we get in life, are because something negative, left us. For the good.

Try to find any support that you can... my friend while I was in college, had that happen to her. She was working and going to school... but in her heart of hearts, she KNEW that the boyfriend that left her, was the most BEST thing that happened to her. And she really rallied her own spirit, in the months of her pregnancy and becoming a Mom. She... astounded everyone because she is a good Mom, despite her circumstances. Her child, has the same spirit she has. The "Dad"... is still schlepping around with various girlfriends being a "childish" man. She has no regrets...only the joy of a Mom and seeing her child grow up. WE, as her college classmates... all "helped" her... she came to school everyday, pregnant and belly growing... tired sometimes, but REAL PROUD of her pregnancy. "We" become like her friend-family. And, her parents, let her move back in with them. Like you, she was trying to make something of herself.... working and going to college... and hard as it was, she did. WITHOUT her long gone Boyfriend. She is glad, to be rid of him.

Anyway, start dreaming... and keeping YOUR own personal dreams alive... and your hopes, now with your child. All will be alright. All will be alright.

DO NOT LET THIS GUY MANIPULATE YOU anymore... nor accept him back into your life. Believe me, it will be for the best. I believe, someone is watching over you... and this happened for a reason. DO NOT... let him play you or manipulate you. He will not be good for the baby... nor your pregnancy. Do not let him back in your life.

All the best,
Susan

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S.A.

answers from Tampa on

He'll be there because you will go to court and fight for child support. So sorry to hear about your plight. You will pull through it.

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J.K.

answers from Raleigh on

Honestly sweetie you may have some difficult times ahead but you can do it on your own if need be. You can not control what he does but you can give him the opportunity to be in his childs life and you do not have to be with him to do that. Men can get scared at first when they find out your pregnant and so that is a common reaction from some men. From what you said about him it doesn't sound like he is very responsible anyways. I worked fulltime up untill the day I had my babies with both children and mine are only 22 months apart. You sound like a strong women and if you choose to keep this baby (not saying you shouldn't} you will find out just how strong you are. Also if you feel depressed you need to seek help so that you do not harm the baby. Post Pardum depression is very common. I had it with both mine and the docter was able to help me. I will pray for you.

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N.S.

answers from Philadelphia on

I am so sorry. Of course you are upset and fearful. It may be hard to see it now, but I believe you can get the help you need. It's all about a support system. You have time to put one in place. I suggest finding a counselor to talk to, there may be one available at your school. A counselor will help guide you towards healthy choices, and those choices will help with depression and with being the best mother you can be.

You need to be valued and your baby's father doesn't sound like the guy to do it. But, you know what, your baby will value you and love you so much, and if you can keep some adults near who value you too, then both of you will be nurtured.

Look for support now. It sounds like you are a very busy person, sometimes that leads to isolation. Don't let that happen! Reach out for guidance and assistance now. Of course you wanted the dad to be there, but don't let his lameness make you so sad that you don't get the help that you need.

Sending hugs to you and prayers for you.

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L.C.

answers from Orlando on

You need to really do some soul searchiing during this pregnancy. You need to come to grips with the idea that you WILL be doing this alone, like it or not, until you meet another man some day who loves you enough to love your baby, too. This man has made it abundantly clear that he is neither capable nor interested in being a father to this child. Some people will tell you that you should make sure he carries the financial responsibility for this child, but you have to decide if you want to open that can of worms. If he is unemployed, he has no income to help you! (Some people will say that is no excuse-- he got you pregnant so he should step up and get a job-- but he didn't even step up to answer your phone calls, so the reality here on Earth is that he will NOT take any responsibility for this baby!!!)So if you put his name on the birth certificate, he can decide when ever he wants to at any time at all that he would like to walk into your child's life and demand to have visitation. Did you hear that? Visitation. Which means a judge can decide that as the father he has rights to TAKE your child for the day (or longer) without you, even if he is with another woman and has been out of your life. And a judge might say that he has to pay you, but saying he has to and actually getting the money from him are 2 completely different things!! You have to come to terms with the fact that he is no longer your boyfriend, and convince yourself that leaving you is the best thing he has ever done for you. You and your baby deserve someone better than an unemployed man, and someone who is capable of leaving a woman when she is 7 weeks pregnant.

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L.L.

answers from Nashville on

Sweetie, you are a lot better off finding out early that he is going to be unreliable than you would be if he bailed later. Think about your baby, be happy, be excited and don't let him being an unreliable jerk get you down.

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D.F.

answers from Boston on

Raenesia,

No doubt this will be hard. Your 22 and alone. But many of us have done it and have done it without a mate. Your a strong women. If I were you I would make a plan to see a school counselor or someone who can help you get things in order now. You have 6 months and 1 week to plan. Take advantage of these early months maybe to double up on classes if you can. If you live at home, see what help you will get with getting your baby items and maybe some babysitting when you have your baby. Save your money!!! you will need it!! I would make sure once he is proven to be the father. Get child support coming in. Take him to court now if you can for help financially with dr. visits. Not sure how it all works but knowledge is power! Try not to be depressed over him, you have a new life coming in the world and this baby is a gift to you. If you exercise dont stop. If you dont.....start walking if you can to keep yourself healthy and this will make you happy. But please seek out family and friends that love you and will help support you. Do not expend to much energy on a man that would walk out while you are pregnant. Your worth so much more than horrible treatment like that. Please make a life plan now for yourself. Your very young, but strong. Good luck!

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R.U.

answers from Nashville on

good morning, do not be depressed. for one thing if you are a christian you are never alone. i do believe that it will be hard but it sounds like you are a very strong young woman. working full time and carrying a full load at school is big. if you can do that when the baby comes you can cut back a little on school but, do quite! i think after all the new emotions settle in and you start making plans for the future you will see this is all very doable. i am not in any way saying it is going to be a piece of cake. but when the lord thinks you are ready he will place the RIGHT man in you life to be your childs DADDY. the baby will be better off with a man that loves his mom and him or her. then someone so enmature and selfish. sounds like he is still trying to live out his teen years. you on the other hand sound like you are marching on with your life as a young adult. good luck with everything. and god bless. ALL THING ARE POSSIBLE THROUGH CHRIS WHO STRENGHTENS ME! mom of 7 you are blessed beyond compare to have a baby on the way. smile and enjoy the experiance. nine months goes sooo quick. when you see that face you will feel a love like no other lying there in your arms. yours and gods creation. so amazing. i will pray for you , for strength, joy and a safe pregnacy. hold you head high. you have so much to look forward to. R.

Updated

me again, mom of 7, i don't know if you have a home church or not but i noticed you are in memphis. i use to live in southaven, ms. loved it. anyway. there is a church down getwell in ms called lifepointe. the paster is kevin marr. look up their web sight. you don't have to get real doddied up to go there. i think you would find a lot of support there and love there. they are all such good people. i really need to get down that way to visit. it's been a while. any way you can also listen to his sermoms on the web sight. kevin is really good. you would love jill ,his wife. i still consider her a dear friend. and it isn't one of those huge churches like in town. hometown feel. it is between olive branch and hernando. hope you look it up. or give them a call if only for moral support. awesome people. peace and blessings, R.

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L.M.

answers from New York on

Ask yourself "Why did I want to have a child with this man?" And don't answer because I love him. Focus on the important issues
Is he good with children? Have you seen him spend time with a small child like a niece or a nephew?
Will he be able to financially support a child? Is his unemployment due to the current economy or does he have a history of unemployment?
Is he educated? After I complete my education will be compatible intellectually? Is he there for me both physically and emotionally (the answer to the is ABSOLUTLY NO)
The answer to that question should help you decide if you want him to be part of your child's life.

Seek the help and support of your family and close friends, and a therapist or counselor. Talk with your OB/GYN about your situation and feelings, he/she can help you!

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R.R.

answers from Memphis on

I so apologize for the immaturity of your boyfriend! Unfortunately that doesn't help the situation at hand. But for the sake of your unborn child and for your mental well being you most find the strength to rise to the occasion and move forward with your head held high.You can not and should not have to beg him to be apart of your life if he chooses not to be. He will soon realize that the grass isn't always greener on the other side and prayerfully do the responsible thing! Try to praying about the situation, things will work out in the end. Take care of you first!!! .

T.G.

answers from Fayetteville on

Raenesia,

Congrats on baby. I am sorry to hear about boyfriend but be strong for your unborn. You do all you can to leave a legacy for you child. Sound yourself with friends and family that are positive to help get you by. If you cannot find anyone I am hear to help you with great advice. Email me anytime or call.

God bless! Stay encourage.

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N.H.

answers from Minneapolis on

Raenesia,

I wasn't getting the impression from your post that you were going to harm the baby, just that you were concerned stress during pregnancy could harm the baby, right?

Anyway, take some time now and grieve what you've lost in terms of emotional support. Then, chin up, keep doing what you're doing. Stay in school. I can't even tell you how important that step is for your long term financial security. If your college has childcare, sign up for it now and begin to figure out how you will manage your classes around the daycare schedule. If you are getting student loans and they are helping you only with paying for your credits and books, see what you can find out about getting a stipend for living expenses as well. Even though student loans are debt you do have to pay back, they are the least damaging debt you can incur and this might help you not have to be a full-time worker, full-time student and full-time mom. Whatever you have to balance schedule wise to raise your baby, don't let school be the thing you drop. You have less chance of making a decent living wage long-term if you don't finish school.
If you don't have health insurance - apply now for state healthcare. In the interim, see a doctor anyway, those plans will usually cover medical bills incurred in the weeks before your insurance came through. When you apply ask to speak with someone from child support services, the sooner you get the paperwork started, the sooner after the baby is born they can demand paternity testing and at least order child support payment (whether he pays or not is anyone's guess).
Finally, Congratulations! Take your prenatal vitamins, try to get some walking in and relax as much as possible. Find some DVD's on prenatal yoga if you can. You will be fine and so will your baby.

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C.S.

answers from Memphis on

I was in the same situation. I was a full time student and worked a partime job. Right now your baby's father don't know what he wants. He will try to get back in your life, and its up to you to decide if that's what you want. You are a smart women with potentials, just don't let being pregnant get in the way of your career/job. It will be hard but, I KNOW YOU WLL BE A GOOD MOM and make sound decisions regarding your child. If you have relatives that lives in Memphis and are willing to help you, let them help. You are still young and still have some growing up to do.

I really hope that everything works out for you and your baby. Don't let this inmature father of your baby stress you out!!!

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R.M.

answers from Nashville on

I'm so sorry sweetie, but it sounds to me like you were already going to be doing it alone. If he wasn't working and wasn't willing to get a job or go to school and better himself for his future, you were not going to be getting great support from him anyway. Better to come to grips with it now, get the sadness out of your way now. This early stage is the least interesting part of a pregnancy. Hopefully one you are to the stage where you can feel your baby and look forward to finding out the gender, you will be over this guy who has treated you so bad, and will be able to be excited and enjoy your pregnancy. The worse thing that could have happened would be for him to stick around and let you think he is a nice guy for a while, and then bail. And your stress and emotions aren't going to hurt your baby, so work through them however you need to. A real man who was capable of being what you need would never be so cowardly as to not answer your calls. I really do think it's best that this happened now.

You do need to get yourself a support network. You are right that you are going to need someone. Chances are- your old friends aren't going to be very helpful in the day to day stuff, so I would look to family. Or maybe a support group for young single moms. If you have any friends who have been through this, reach out to them. I wish you the very best of luck. You sound like you are more than capable of doing this. Because you work and go to school full time, it shows you are responsible and you have goals and you want to have a good life. School may likely take a little longer now, but you can absolutely do this! You don't need someone like your ex in your life or your child's. Good luck to you, god bless, and congratulations. Being a mommy is the best thing I ever did in my life.

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J.R.

answers from New York on

Hello honey, I feel you!!! i just found out i was one month pregnant and 2 weeks ago I learned that my BF of a year has always lived with his other daughters mother and his 12 year old daughter. I am 28 and heartbroken and hurt and need to make so serious decisions. Its hard to see clear past all this, but I am trying. Know you are not alone. When I told him I was pregnant, he told me he had to go back to his family and he hoped I understood and he would try to do what he could for the baby. (whatever that means?!) I love him but I have to let him go. My time with him is over and I will meet someone worthy later. But for now I need to think positive and for myself. I cant worry about him anymore bec. he doesnt and isnt worried about me. Ofcourse he isnt....he knows I am financial stable, I am a good person and come from a good supportive family. What does he need to worry about, but i need to decide and soon, any advice would be helpful!!!!!!!!!
~Jess

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S.B.

answers from Chattanooga on

Get counseling now, it is vital for you and your baby. There are usually counselling services (sometimes free) at your college. But you need to leave this guy in the dust! Definitely get involved with church and family, that's important. Start thinking about what your baby needs. It isn't easy, but it's easier now rather than later.

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S.G.

answers from Albuquerque on

I am sorry you have to go through this alone. At times pregnancy can be hard to go through with a loving and devoted partner.

But I strongly believe that you do not want this man in your life if he does not want to be part of the wonderful journey you are on. Yes he is the biological father of this baby but is he the best person to raise and love this baby. It appears he is not. You are about to be a very busy women and you won't have time to be depressed over a man like that. Once that baby starts moving you'll be all joy, nerves, excitment and fear...

Let this man go. Do it better on your own and know that without him the door is open for a wonderful man to join you and your babies family.

You are in my prayers. Have a WONDERFUL, EXCITING, FUN pregnancy!!!

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D.P.

answers from Raleigh on

Raenesia, I am so sorry that you are going through this. You definately do not need added stress. Your baby is so special and I know you will come to be so happy about him or her. It is very important that you get some support. Look to your family if you can. Also, there are many groups out there ... one place is Birthchoice and the Gabriel Project. Both of these resources can help you with getting your medical needs, social and emotional needs, and also items for you and the baby ... like maternity clothes, baby clothes a car seat, crib, etc. I am part of the Gabriel Project in my area ... check for something in your area. If you do not want to go with these groups ... I am sure that there are others availabe. They want to help you and your baby. Take advantage and get the best you can for you and your baby.

I wish you the best of luck and happiness. D..

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M.T.

answers from Raleigh on

I was 19, going to college full time and working 2 part-time jobs when I found out I was pregnant. My boyfriend told me that if I chose to have the baby then I was doing it alone. He wanted me to have an abortion. I finished the quarter of school. I quit my jobs and moved back to my home town with my grandmother. I enrolled in the community college and transferred my credits. I got another part-time job and signed up for the medicaid card. We dont always want to do things that we need to do but in the end it payed off. I got a great job at the local hospital after I graduated with an associates degree. Was it all fun and games....no. It was hard work. My daughter is now 15. Her dad still is not around. I have married and together we have 2 kids and he had a daughter that is 2 days older than my daughter. So that is 4 kids total. His, mine and ours. I thought I couldnt do it but by the grace of God I did. There were several days that I said I couldnt do it but God told me yes you can. I had help from family and friends and became self sufficient very quick. I hate relying on other people. It will work with you and you are entitled to feeling a little sad but dont over due it or you will be stuck in a bad attitude. Just ask for Gods help. He will be there for you.

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T.B.

answers from Memphis on

Praying for strength is your first most important thing you need to do. Keep your schedule you have now. Keep working, going to class and studying and learn how to take care of a new baby and you. Don't let your mind wander to that subject. Remember that you'd rather have peace in your home with your child than to have to deal with a new baby and a man that doesn't work. Miraculous things happen in strange ways. In my experience, this is a blessing for you.

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