19 Yr. Old Son with Pregnant Girl Friend I Cant Stand!!!! How Do Deal??

Yikes!!! First off you got to let him make his own mistakes. but be there to catch him if he falls. He needs you the most at this time. At least he is trying to make a life for himself, since you said he is working a job, and going to college. Just think, he could be living out on the street and not working. But you have to give him credit for that. He is going to have to learn on his own. The girl needs to grow up.. Maybe you could print off pictures about what a baby would look like if she keeps doing the things that she is doing. Maybe it will scare her and make her want to stop. Don't go telling him that he doesn't know what love his, that will only make him mad.. Been there done that.. My mother told me that when I was dating my husband.... I wish the best for you.

L.

First of all, they are both of legal age, according to most states. Unless your son has specifically ask for your help, I would stay out of it. Since they are not minors, they must have known what they were doing.

I am a 60 year old grandmother, raising my sons child, whom I have adopted. I have had her since birth and she is now 12. I make $8 an hour, work 25 hrs. a week, get food stamps, and she has a medical card. By the time I pay $500.00 a month rent, 100.00 car ins., $200.00 in utilities, and gas, there is not much left. My husband is deceased . I adopted after he died, so there is no chance of SS for her and my youngest son still lives at home. Even as poor as I am in money, I have been so blessed with this young child in my life. If they really love each other, and want this child, it will be their responsibility not yours. Just be there to listen when he talks to you. Be positive, for yourself and for them. Encourage them to seek the help they need as young parents and simply be there, even with distance between you, to listen adn support them.

Good luck

I really think you should report her for the drugs if you have proof. For the baby's sake. or at least talk to your son about the dangers it could cause and he could talk to her about it.

i know how hard it is cause about seven years ago, my step son also had a girl friend that i couldnt stand at that time. however now, they are married and have a one and a half year old daughter together and his seven year old daughter from a previous girl friend. however, before they ever married, i couldnt stand his girl friend sue. she wasnt a nice person and couldnt deal with shaun's daughter lyssa. the whole story goes real deep. i fought against them. but it done nothing but made them much closer. so what i am suggesting, and yes it is difficult to do, but back off and let it be, cause that way, your son will have more of an open mind to make what decsions he needs to make. but he needs the space to back up and see the whole picture for himself. cause you see it from the out side. however, he is involved inside of the picture therefore he cant see everything. but do suggest to him; to try to back up and look at the picture from the outside. then leave it at that. he talks to you just listen and dont say any harsh things to him about her. for no matter what she is the mother to his child. i totally agree about she shouldnt do what she is doing. for my step son's now wife also done that when she was pregnant with her daughter. ya, i griped alot to her about it. but it done no good. fortuniately jessie turned out great and beautiful. hopefully this helps some. C. in oklahoma

Dear L. H, here is my story, and I hope you might find something in it that will help you!

I have a simaliar problem, but I do love the girlfriend. Son is 18, she is 19, and I'm about to be a grandmother of twins! My son couldn't even breathe when he found out. He was having his doubts about how he was going to raise one, haha now there is two. She will not be able to work with two, (daycare cost)kinda blew his plan right out the window.

And I wasn't happy about it at all, at first either. The dreams of my son getting a good education and job, living an easier life than I did, just flew out the window. I was so disappointed in them. But then I got the best advice from my Dad. "Your not the one that has to feed them, they are! And they will learn this lesson, just like I did, just like you did! So let them!"

My Quote in life is this: "You can't live anyone's life for them. They have to live it for themselves!"

I found myself at first not living by this quote, wanting to take control, wanting to fix my SON'S problem. NO! He is a man now, So have at it kid! haha! I get to sit back and watch, not control.

Their Life, Their Relationship, Their Child(Children in my case)!

I will help them along the way, but that is it! I didn't make the children and I'm not going to raise the children. We all might end up living together,(due to money) but they will be right here raising these two little blessings God has given them, NOT ME! If they live in MY HOUSE, they live by MY RULES! They work, they clean, find a way to better their lives and they raise their children.

Their party time is over folks! Their choice in life, NOT MINE! I'm ready for MY PARTY, MY LIFE! The one I gave up to raise my Boys! Hopes this helps. Lovingly P.

Hey L.,
I know it must be hard as you have hindsight.... and not to be too harsh.... but you sound like a cloud of darkness where your son sounds like a little foolishly optimistic. And you may be very right... but you also may be wrong about his future... so my advice would be to be a cheerleader, someone in his life who loves him unconditionally and is there for him... now in no way do i mean that you should be offering up free childcare, etc..... unless you want to.
So to start with your dear son.... he is probably just as wonderful as you have described, but at the same time he got himself into this mess(it might be a blessing too). All in all..he tolerates his girlfriend for some reason and he tolerates her substance use too? which leads me to wonder if he engages in these behaviors too?
The basics are that it is what it is, these are 2 adults, not making good adult decisions, getting ready to bring another person into the world, and about to get whacked by reality. So to win and to help out the most important person now(the baby on the way), i would suggest offering your advice on baby care by phone.... and then you need to decide worst case scenario whether you would take the child or let them put the baby up for adoption... you need to take care of you and do what is best for you. and i only hope your son gets it all right and that this is the love of his life... but now the kicker... i am worried about the girl and the drugs ... so i would see contact the local hospital where she would be delivering her baby and ask for social services. then ask them about any programs for pregnant substance abusers... i am sure they have one. and she would likely go if it were offered to her in a positive and nonconfrontational way.
my prayers are really with you too, as i personally know how awful it is to watch and not be able to just fix it. may you find the strentgh to be as helpful as you want without becoming bitter.
And God Bless, -mb

Hey L.,
I am remarried to a man that has two sons...they are both in their late 20's...The youngest of the two got married almost a yr ago now... and has a daughter. He also never like to be around children...but loves his little girl, helps his wife with her on the weekends, changes the baby...everything.

Now about having stepchildren and myself being one....I don't like to call my stepmother... Mom, and I don't expect my stepchildren to call me Mom...Because first of all I didn't have them. My husband and his late wife did a good job bring them up, and my own Mom is still living, did what she could to bring me up the way she did. My dad remarried after we were all out on our own. But expects us to call his wife now...Mom.

About my life as it is close to your stepson's...I married at a young age...had a baby by the age of 19. I was divorced 4yrs later...remarried to a man that was a leach...divorced 1 and a half yrs later...lived with a man for 3yr and then married him after having twins....divorced 7yrs later...Now I'm married almost 4yrs to a Man that I sometimes wish I had meet and married the first time around.....We all make mistakes...we all learn from them...we all learn what Love really is..

I married the 1,2,and 3rd husbands because my family didn't want me too...There wasn't any love in the marriages.. I even wished I hadn't married the(1st)man, on the night that I did.

I have three children... my son is 17yrs old (by the first husband) and I have twin daughters from my third husband.

Even though now I can say that I wouldn't change it...because I don't know if I would still have my children if I did.

I wouldn't listen to my parents...your stepson will do what he will do...but if he is willing to take care of his baby...let him. He needs to know (if he doesn't) that his wife to be is taking drugs, and so is the baby...

With him making $8 an hr, there being 3 people in the home. It seems to me that She wouldn't loose her medical and the food stamps. If anything she would recieve more food stamps...She will loose the medical part a few months after having the baby...But I don't know the rules of PA either...

Just love him..and if he thinks he loves her...find away to put up with her. For your stepson...and for your stepgrandchild.

I'm at SAHM with a son and twin daughters...my stepsons live on their own..and have a stepgrandchild.
Hope this helps...

Hey L.,

It is sooo hard to see your children making mistakes, when you want everything you didn't have for them! I know lots of people who have wound up in those situations and have left the girl as if she got pregnant all on her own. That in it self says something about the way you have raised him! Have faith! Pray that they will straighten up. It takes two to tango! I, however, think that they should be married. It will not change their status quo with medical and stuff. I made $10 an hour while hubby made $9 and we had private insurance AND qualified for medicade, which is probably what she has!!!! So be thankful that he is trying to make the best decisions possible. I too think that the best thing for you to do is support him, love him. I do not think you should give in to raising the baby, but I know that my mother has been a blessing even 3 and now 8 hrs away and I live 50 ft from my mil and she is never there for me. It is soo good to have supportive people in your life that are helping you see the sunny side of things. It is easy to focus on the neg, because it is everywhere, but it is hard to focus on the positive. I sing a song that says, "you can have a song in your heart when the sun is shinning bright, but you need song in your heart in the night!" This situation will bring out the ick in all of you but will give you an opportunity to overcome! My prayers are with you all!
The Andrews Gang!

Love them and try to help them, that's all you can do. Apparently, you've told them how you feel, and they know you don't like how things are going. If you don't decide to go ahead and let things go, you're going to push them and they might end up in more trouble because you won't be there to help them. If it turns out that you end up with custody and raising your grandchild and that is something you don't want to do, then the option will be yours to adopt it out. Right now, as young as they are, they might do just the opposite and be more spiteful about it just because you push hard to keep them apart and do what you want them to do. They might want to prove you wrong to show you how "stupid you are" (talking in a teenager's words. I'm not saying you're stupid,) and to show you that they CAN do it even though they possibly can't. I'm not saying that you're not right about them. Some people just do NOT need to be parents, but sometimes they end up being parents anyway. The best you can do is help show them how to be responsible parents (during pregnancy, too.) Try to do this in a non-controlling way, though. At least this way they have a chance at doing the responsible things and being good parents. Send her a letter saying that since this is what they are choosing to do, you will help them as much as you can to help make everything work out as long as they are more responsible about things and. Then, send her an e-mail with information and websites about what happens to babies when their moms drink, take drugs of any kind (even OTC), smoke period, and especially smoke pot. Maybe if she sees pictures of babies and read blogs and message boards of moms raising children that were exposed to those things, it will hit her harder than just telling her.
As far as the debt and income situation go, I would worry about that last if I were you. If she's on food stamps and WIC, that's a good thing. It will help them get their feet on the ground and make sure the baby is taking care of without really getting them further into debt. A lot of people have less than they have financially and most Americans are in debt up their backside, so make that the least of your worries at this moment (you'll worry, but just let it be the least for now.) They're young and stupid, and most young couples have to learn the hard way. My husband and I have been married for 7yrs (I got married at 21 and had a baby 8 1/2 months later) and hardly ever use credit cards and spend money on ourselves (except for Christmas), but we have 3 credit cards we're trying to pay off that haven't been touched (and have been cut up) in years because we maxed them out our 1st 2 years of marriage. Hopefully (with your limited help) having a child will make them grow up a lot faster. Most people, it does, but it doesn't with too many people, and I've seen that the majority of the people it doesn't make grow up are the ones that don't have a good support system from good responsible family members and friends.
All of this is just something you'll have to find peace about. I know, I'm just a young mom of young children, and you might not think I have a clue what I'm talking about, but trust me, I know what I'm talking about. I know about this from personal experience, and I've had lots of close friends go through this (on both sides, actually, the parents and grandparents), and my aunt has just been going through this with my 20yr old cousin. I've experienced a lot in my "short" life, and I do know what I'm talking about.

Good Luck with everything. Try to come to peace and be supportive. What's done is done. If they don't want to adopt the baby to someone, then they're going to have the baby no matter what you want. So, if you vent to you husband and to us, but stay supportive for them, they'll be better off than if you aren't supportive. Of course, your still going to worry and be upset about things, and that's what you're husband and friends are there for, and that's why we're here.

K.
SAHM of 4 (6,5,3, & 1)

This is just something he has to figure out for himself....and he will at some point. It may take awhile but he will see her for the person that she is. Unfortunately, an innocent child is going to be brought into this mess and that is where you come in to the picture. Your job is to keep quiet and be supportive, as hard as I know that is. You may be the only hope this child has and that may involve you taking the initiative and calling Child Protective Services if that child is not being cared for properly. Sometimes having a baby really makes people grow up and even the most irresponsible people turn around and make the necessary changes when a baby is involved. Sadly though, a baby will create a lot more stress on the couple and if they are immature now it may be more than they can handle. Have a talk with your son and let him know your concerns but then leave it at that. Do not bad mouth this girl or you will just drive him away and he will resent you. Once the relationship falls apart he will need you for your support and maybe even to help raise this baby but if you push him away now the resentment may be too deep and he won't come to you. I can tell you really love your son and want what is best for him and as a parent sometimes the hardest thing we can do is to take that step back and let our children grow their own wings and make their own mistakes.
I do think something needs to be done about this girl who is doing drugs while she is pregnant but maybe you can do something anonymously. Contact her doctor/clinic where she is receiving prenatal care and tip them off to this problem. They could request a drug test and then based on the results they should be required to do something about it. I do not know if CPS can get involved before a child is born but you could call them and they could at least point you in the right direction. If the baby tests positive for drugs when the mother delivers the baby the state could take the baby away from the mother. Maybe the police can help. Try doing a Google search on the laws in your state to see if any of them apply. I wish I knew more about the rights of an unborn child and I am hoping someone out here on this forum has more information for you.
Good luck to you and your family!

WOW... sadly enough, he may be too young to be a good parent but he is definitely old enough to be a father. He will owe support on the baby for a looong time whether they marry or not. IF he thinks and says he loves her then he will tough out whatever comes up and you will just have to see if he needs you as a source of added strength and comfort. If she abuses drugs during the pregnancy, she will most surely do them following the birth. You should have your son keep a close watch on the baby's care because they will both be held responsible in the eyes of the law for neglect and child endangerment. I actually believe the laws protect unborn children also .. you might want to check on this and let them know you will report it.

put her in drug rehab or that baby will have a lot of problems growing up

Hi L.,

I'm a widowed mom to 3 sons...my youngest is livng with his girlfriend at 20. He has a part time job and she has a part time job. They have yet to face reality. I disliked her because of drugs at first, but have let go, let God, and let both of them make their own decisions. Eventually, they'll learn and hopefully they will not bring a baby into this any time soon. I pray for them daily. Your son will learn eventually in his own time. Sometimes we want to make choices for them, but we can't. We just have to be tough and let them make mistakes.

K. C.
Freedom United
www.Health4URFamily.com

I am not trying to sound judgmental or anything, but you are on here talking about how uneducated this girl is, and can't go a sentence without misspelling a word. Also, you cannot tell if your son knows what love is, you are not him and never will be. I think the best thing you can do is to show him you love him and support him in any way possible...do not be the dreaded MIL (even though they aren't married) who tries to break apart the relationship even though your son is doing the right thing by her and taking care of the child. Good luck, and I hope things get better for EVERYONE involved.

I think it is honorable that your son is taking responsibility for his actions. so many young men just walk away. patience comes with age and I am sure he will develop plenty in the years to come. if you want a relationship with your grandchild you should just play nice.

You probably will end up raising your grandchild. Do everything in your power to get legal guardianship, so they can't keep popping into the picture and messing the kid up. I would be seeking legal advice now.

Don't have much advice how to deal with the GF, but you might research fetal alcohol syndrome for your son. OTC cough meds may have alcohol in them, and if she is drinking it frequently, she may have a kid that comes out with some serious problems. He needs to advise her OB that this is a problem.

Whether they know what love is or are old enough to be parents is kind of a moot point.
What I'm about to say is not going to make me very popular, but quite frankly, if she is going to insist on continuing to smoke pot while she's pregnant, they and the baby would be better served by an abortion than by continuing the pregnancy. Caring for a child with major birth defects isn't easy, even for mature, sober parents.
Since they have decided to have and keep the baby, the only say you have in this situation is how you are going to deal with your grandchild.
Are you going to accept it and love it unconditionally? Or are you going to resent it because you don't like its mother?