I would talk to her about what she thinks is reasonable and try to compromise. Not too much of an answer, but there it is :)
My 17 year daughter turns 18 next week. Wanted some input on what her curfew should be for school nights and weekends. She currently works part-time and is responsible with her job and school work. She had talked earlier this year about moving out and getting an apartment with her boyfriend (same age, same high school). We told her that if that was her choice, we wanted her to understand that we keep the car (we pay for insurance) and she would be on her own for college. That talk ended quickly, but not quietly. So, we can only anticipate what she feels about any rules we will tell her about in the next few days. Her current curfew is 10:00 during the week. She does have a 7:30 class every day at school and on weekends, curfew is 11:30. She also has early release from school getting out at 1:45 one day and 11:30 the next day. So, she and her boyfriend have plenty of free time together. In fact, she spends almost all free time with him. She is a good student but is feeling her oats and ready to spread her wings and fly. Any suggestions on curfews and/or house rules we should give her going forward?
I would talk to her about what she thinks is reasonable and try to compromise. Not too much of an answer, but there it is :)
What my parents did for me was this...
It was my decision whether or not I was sleeping at home or at some one else's house for the night, but if I was coming home I had to be home at midnight so that they could lock the doors and go to bed at a reasonable time.
Maybe try something like that with her, but with the added rule that she has to spend X amount of nights at home so that she isn't sleeping over at her boyfriend's house all the time.
No moving out till she is graduated from High School..
I like that you let her know she cannot take the car if she did move out.
11:00 during week, 12:00 weekends for curfew as long as she keeps her grades up.
Also no moaning in the morning.. She will learn about sleep.. Let her know you cannot sleep if she is not in house safe.and all of the locks are on.. .
Our daughter used to stay up (not out) till 1:00am in High school.. She is now in College and does not go to bed till 2 and 3 am.. Of course she makes it work and is always on the Dean's List, so it works for her..
She needs to do her own laundry and have chores around the house just as if she were a house mate..
Also just like a house mate, she needs to keep in touch about her whereabouts, so that if something were to happen you would know she is not on her schedule and needs to be checked on.. Even our daughter does this up at college.. They worry about each other if one of the girls is not where she said she would be..
I think, that at 18 years old, I would go with an 10:30-11:00 weekday curfew, and a 12:00 weekend... Especially if she is responsible at work and school.
Personally, I wasn't given any curfew at all from the time I turned 15. That was when I started working, and I often worked late. Sometimes I wanted to hang out with friends a little after I got off... My dad knew I was responsible, and I rarely came home after 10-11 anyway, so he wasn't too strict about it. The rule was that as long as my grades were up, I was able to function during the day, and I wasn't out getting into trouble and partying, I could do what I wanted. I was the only one of my siblings with this rule, because none of them were able to responsibly handle the freedom... so they got flat-out curfews. It really depends on the person.
I am really more into teaching responsibility then a strict curfew. My daughter is going to be twenty next month. I gave her a curfew of 9:00 in the weekdays and 11:00 on the weekends. By the time she turned 18 she realized the importance of sleep and the effect on her grades. She always keeps her GPA up and found it to be a lot harder on too little of sleep. Now she is in college in another state and I am glad that she is responsible and can keep her grades up and maintain her scholarship.
I turned 18 before I finished high school but there was never any big arguments over rules. My mom was big on knowing where I was, who I was with and when I was expected back. I was almost never out past 10 pm on weeknights so no official curfew was needed. I had a later weekend curfew by my last year of high school, I believed it was 1 am (I think my sister had 12:30). The curfew was flexible for special events. I got an extra half hour each year as I progressed through high school. I also had a regular Saturday night babysitting job for years and sometimes got back after 1am, but it was never an issue since I was working. On the one or two occasions I was out late and had not told my parents first I came home and my mom was sleeping in my bed so she knew exactly when I came home. After I was in college I was expected to let my parents know my plans as a courtesy when I was at home.
I know I am a harda$$, but, your house, your rules. My son graduated from HS in '09. By the last semester, 'all' of his friends had no curfew, etc. Well, the rules we laid down were that he was home by 10:30 on school night, midnight on Friday and Saturday, and negotiable for special occassions. He was not happy about it and there were a lot of 'discussions', but my house, my rules. It is now a year and a half later, he is in college and doing well. He thanked me for the curfew a few days ago. Some of his friends got in real trouble and some of his friends failed classes and did not graduate on time. I know he was and she is 18, but they still need to follow your rules because your house is a home and other people live there. She needs to respect you guys and your home...Just my thoughts. I hope everything works out!
Your house, Your rules. Adulthood is not an age. If you want the privilege, you also have the responsibility. If it is against your values to have her live with her boyfriend, you have every right to cut off the college money. If she wants to live on her own, than she pays for Everything. (Does she make enough for food, rent, clothes, insurance, etc.?) Maybe just looking at the $$ side of things would open her eyes. Make sure she knows the rules, and then follow through. She must remain respectful to you and your household. I personally think they are too young to move out if they are still in high school. I think curfews should stay the same. Nothing else has changed except that she is another day older, so why should the rules change? Sounds like you are making great decisions!
My house, my rules.
If I'm paying for your car insurance and your college tuition, you do what I say. I've been telling my almost 18 year old that since he was in middle school. He has seen friends act up and move out - their consequence: not be able to attend the college of their choice. I'm sure that was a toughy for the parents, but it set the tone for the rest of the group of kids who know that young man.
If you decide to move out - so be it. But, if you are moving, you are obviously an adult and you can make your own decisions -- BUT you can also pay your own bills.
18 - try to remember what you felt like when you were 18. This is such a magic age for most of us. I believe that she should still have a reasonable curfew on school nights - maybe 11:00. One the weekends, holidays and summer - ease up a bit - especially since you say she is responsible. As long as she is in high school - she should have more rules than once she is out of school. She needs to understand that even though she is technically an "adult" - adulthood does just not come overnight because of a birthday. Our children had rules - even in college and now our 24 year old son lives with us and there are still rules for their safety mostly and our peace of mind. When they go out - they tell us where they are going, with who and when they will be home. We have contact numbers and addresses for their friends. This is NOT so we can check up on them but so that we can get to them if they need help. My husband is in law enforcement and our kid have heard stories of bad situations where people just do not make it home and someone has to go looking for them. Be safe - be responsible - be happy - talk to your daughter about these. But again, remember how you felt at 18.
Wow, I thought I had it bad in high school, I'm about to call my mom and apologize...When I was 18 (ten years ago but it sure doesn't feel that long) I had to be home at 10:30 on the weeknights and 130 on the weekends. If she is a responsible young adult and she keeps up her school, work, and family commitments then I say give her a little freedom. Only then will she be prepared to live on her own even if that is at college for the first time. She won't feel so eager to run out and "do whatever she wants" if she has been able to a stretch her legs a bit at home first.
If she obeys you then you are lucky. It is so hard to be this age. A legal adult still treated like a child. If she can't regulate her own life by now then how is she going to do it in a few months at college. She will be free for the first time in her life and it won't be while she's living a home and in a protected environment. If she stays up all night and doesn't go to class the consequences can be life long because her grades will reflect that. She needs to be able to make good and bad decisions so she can learn for herself.
I think by the time a child reaches 18 they should be able to make their own decisions regardless of living at home or in another arrangement. They have had 18 years of training and need the freedom to use it.
Telling her you won't pay for college is just emotional blackmail to me. Yes, it is your money to do with as you please. She can't get financial aid for year or more after moving out, even if she's married or living with the boyfriend and has kids. If she really wants to go to college and can't find a way then she may never try again and never get a degree.
If she's generally responsible (which it sounds like she is) then I think you need to trust her. While I understand she's in school, she WILL be an 'adult' next week. Be fair, be respectful, be trusting - unless she gives you a reason not to be.
I disagree with your stand on her moving out with her boyfriend negating her college fund (or whatever you've set up). That sounds like blackmail to me. I'm sure when you started saving for college it wasn't under the condition that she lives her life the way YOU want her to.
The two of you (and your husband too) need to sit down and hash out the way things are going to go. She want to act like an adult, treat her like one unless and until she starts acting like a child. Yes, it's your house and she's your child, but it's not like she's sitting around all day rent-free - she's going to school and working. That's great!
I was the same way with my highschool boyfriend - I couldn't spend ENOUGH time with him! And we were the same age and went to the same school. My parents trusted me and I didn't let them down. In fact, I married the guy!
I always had house rules and I still do for my 23 year old. But a curfew for an 18 year I never had. They are growing into adults and should be treated as such. I believe if she knows she has a 7am she should be responsible enough to get herself up and out on time. She is 18 and should be able to spread her wings. You raised a wonderful daughter, now she should be able to show you.
I honestly don't think there should be a difference in curfew just because your daughter had a birthday. The rules are yours because you are the parents. She is still a high school student regardless of whether she's 17 or 18. If she doesn't like your rules you've already told her she's free to move out but you've got stipulations that go along with that as well, which was extremely good thinking on your part I might add. You're doing your job as a parent & your daughter doesn't have to like it, she just has to abide by it. When she's actually an adult and mother herself she'll understand, but probably not a moment before then. Good luck & know that you're doing the right thing!
Haven't read all the responses but my feeling is, you don't want her to move out with her boyfriend yet, so let her have a little more freedom so she doesn't feel like she has to move out. The weekend curfew is where I think you can give her some freedom. She's 18 and responsible. Sounds like a great kid. Reward that.
My sister married at 19 because she felt she wanted more freedom and wanted to be with her boyfriend. It didn't last and she realizes now that she just wanted to get out. So I agree with you in deterring her from moving in with the boyfriend, but if you want her to stay home, I'd say relax the weekend curfew. My mom was very strict but at 18, I could stay out 'til about 2 -- once she knew where I was. (Though NOT alone with a boyfriend -- it was understood that we were to be out with other friends at that hour!!)
You have a lot of great answers here, didn't read them all, but still wanted to add my thoughts. Granted I was 18 and a senior almost 15 years ago, but my curfew on weeknights was 9:00 or earlier depending on what was going on, but on the weekends, I was allowed to stay out until 1:00 (only during my senior year). My best friend didn't have a curfew, so when I think back, nothing good happened after 1:00 A.M. (not to mention the longer I was out, the longer I was drinking underage, and the longer I slept the next day and so on, and so on!! We've all been there done that right?) And that my ladies, is still my thought today. The longer you're out, the more trouble you can get into and that applies to adults!!!
Be nice, Moms!
We've learned the hard way that no matter what you say, no matter what you teach/preach, no matter what rules you set.....there's NO freakin' way to enforce compliance without having to endure mouthing, yelling, arguing, & sometimes having to force them out the door for non-compliance.
What we've also learned is to be flexible, to really chose our battles, & to allow as much personal freedom as possible.....AS LONG AS THE CHILD is productive, responsible, & respectful. It has been a long, hard road for all of us to reach this place of Peace! I am a control freak & a planner. My husband is "old school".....not even opening that can of worms!
With our older son, we went thru Hell. He's 23 & did not function within in our family nor society.....from age 15 -until almost age 21. Long story, defiance all the way, has already seen waaaay too much of the bad side of life......regardless of our wishes, desires, etc. We are very proud that he has returned to "our" way of Life!
With our younger son (age 14), we have learned that all-important flexibility. We have chosen to allow him to govern himself ....under our watchful eye. He does not have a set bedtime....just a general guideline: he has to be in bed before me. Some nights, it's 10pm....other nights, it's 11pm. He has the luxury of not having to be up until almost 8am....so these hours work for him. He is active & fully-engaged in school. He maintains A/B grades for the most part. He is in religion school, Scouts, was on the school track team, & in several school clubs. Most days, he's at school until 5pm! He has regular chores, some of which are quite a load!
His mouth is starting to run....his attitude is beginning to change. BUT we have found that as long as we don't pressure him into conforming, as long as he continues to govern himself......we ususally just have to have a "family conference" to get things pulled back into line. We consider ourselves very fortunate that his psyche & personality is sooo different from his older brother's!!
Our younger son is definitely more goal-oriented, striving for goals very much in our "way of Life". After Scout camp this summer, his big announcement was "oh, yeah, by the way....next summer I plan on being a Counselor-In-Training. So you need to plan on me being gone for the entire month of June." Excuse me, Son....who's in charge here? !!!
BUT, to get back to you!! She's going to be 18....for school nights, what about simply asking her to be home "at a decent time, so you can go to bed"? Tell her no later than 10pm to show respect for the rest of the family. As for the weekends, what about letting her set the guidelines, ask her what would make her comfortable, & ask what would be an equitable punishment for breaking the curfew !
Oh, & NO, I don't think it's fair to hold college funds over her head. As long as she's productive & responsible....she's going to be old enough to vote, let her have some freedom & responsibility!
My curfew when I didn't have school the next day was 12. If I had school, it was 10. I would say, whatever you make, just stick to it. Say, "We understand you are a legal adult. However, these are the rules for our house. You don't have to like them, but you have to abide by them if you wish to continue to live here." Make it known that you still won't pay for college if she moves out, and you still keep your car. I know someone said that was wrong and she may never go to college then, but I know me and about 20 other kids from high school had no idea what we wanted to do in college. So we all quit anyways. Then, after just a few short years of life experience, we're all in college now. We're more disciplined and we know what we want to do with our lives, at least much more than we did 7 years ago. (We're all 25.) Also, there's something to be said about choosing to live under your parents' roof and abiding by their rules or saying, "No I'm adult, I don't have to live under your roof" and not being willing to actually take responsibility to pay for things as adults have to. My parents don't pay for my school or my car, but that's part of life. It's not wrong to get her used to that. I think it would be great if you could say, "Look, if you want to try it on your own, go ahead. But no car and we're not paying for college. If you're so certain you're ready to be an adult, then try it." But if it doesn't work out, be willing to accept her back with the same rules, and let her know that. My parents didn't want alcohol in their house, and they let me know I was free to break their rules, but it meant I was going to live elsewhere. If I chose to be an adult and live with them, I obeyed their rules. No big deal. If you mean it, it's not blackmail at all. It's just the rules for your house. She can still do what she wants-the choice is still hers.
Keeping in mind my kids are still younger, I would think 10:00 is late enough on school nights. She should be in bed by then to get the sleep she needs. I would go with midnight on weekends.
I would also think that now would be a good time to set some other rules also, car usage, chores, who pays for what. My 15 yo thinks that when she turns 18 she gets to make all the rules since she'll be an adult. Every time she says that, I just keep laughing.
Well, the worse thing you could do right now is start closing in on her and making her feel like she has to run to her boyfriend for comfort. Because she just wants to get closer to him right now, they think they are growing up and they need to be together, which is why they want to move in together. If she does decide to go that route, I wouldn't take her car away either, because that's like a punishment in her eyes. Tell her if she keeps a 3.0 gpa in school and pays for her insurance, or half of her insurance.(whatever you decide)....then she gets to keep the car. and then you are giving her options that involve her responsibility and not decisions that involve her boyfriend. If she does decide to stay home, I wouldn't worry myself with how much time she's spending with her boyfriend. If they spend enough time together, maybe they'll get sick of each other! lol. But you should just talk to her about what she thinks is a fair curfew, and try to compromise on it. If she thinks 2 am is a fair curfew, and you think 11 is, try 12:30 or 1, and she can stay out late for special occasions, like a concert, etc. But with her new freedom, comes responsibility. So also make her participate in keeping house, doing her own laundry, or grocery shopping sometimes; give her a taste of what being an adult really is. This was my point of view as an 18 year old, who thought I was in love. ha! I could tell that my mom didn't know how to be there for me, she wanted to, but she couldn't figure out the right thing to say. We're very close now, but what I mentioned above is some of the things she could have done to make me feel closer to her back then and possibly make better decisions. Hope this helps!
Ask her what she thinks is reasonable, you may be surprised ;)
I agree with you on everything, but I think you could extend her weekend curfew by one hour. I've talked to many moms about this very issue (and posted on this site), and many moms of good kids give them a 12:30 curfew on weekends.
Remember, this is their transition phase, and if you hold the reins too tight now, they will usually go nuts once they are on their own, which isn't really what we want. So a happy medium is in order.
Also, your daughter has earned this independence because she is showing herself to be responsible, as you say.
OVER 18 CONTRACT TO LIVE AT HOME
While you are under our roof, we will guide you to make the right decisions by surrounding you with fair guidelines in order to keep you safe.
Curfew is 12 midnight (not 12:01am) on weekends. 11pm on weeknights. Do not come to renegotiate terms or we will move the time earlier.
You will need to give us 3 days advance notice when you need to request use of our cars for any reason. You need to fill the tank back to where it was when you took the car (at the minimum).
1. Full time school (with acceptable grades) or find your own place
2. School/work nights- home 30 minutes after quitting time. (post your schedule on whiteboard weekly)
3. We must know where you are going and when you will return. We will do the same for you.
4. We must know if you are going to not be home for dinner. For more than 1 guest at meal time I need 8 hrs notice
5. Unmarried couples do not share a bedroom at ANY time. No going into your bedroom and shutting the door with a girl…(only exception) she lives with her parents and her father calls Dad to let him know that it is okay. Ken will then email the father and get confirmation in black and white.
6. You keep your own room fairly neat, do your laundry, and help with the public areas of the house
18+ person Date
THESE THINGS WILL NOT BE TOLERATED WHILE LIVING AT HOME WITH US: (we will evict you immediately upon discovering anything below)
Any illegal drug of any kind
Any alcohol of any kind
Parties or gatherings here
Sexual acts in this house or in our cars while they are still our cars
Smoking of anything that can be smoked in this house or on this property
Incense (burning it or any other form)
Fine Print: Any usage of any computers in our home shall not be considered private and that you (18+ legal name) authorize me (parent) to access any information stored on or passing through your computer, whether you are given notification or not, i.e., Gmail account, Facebook, blogs, college website accounts etc.
18+ person Date
Unfortunatly she and many other are under the false impression a birth year makes you an adult. If she wants to be an adult then she will get treated as such. Adults pay their own way and have adult responsibility . If she wants to be a young adult on your dime than shell get treated as one. I got married and left home right after I turned 19 and expected nothing from my parents. I was realistic and you do need to be nice but honest about how your role as a parent changes as she goes into adulthood.
Sounds like she needs you guys to appear to be the bad cops so she can be "cool" with her boyfriend, but have you to blame for keeping her reined in. If she really wanted to work, live on her own with her boyfriend, she would have been out of the house. Good for you for making it clear you won't subsidize "grown" folks living together. The curfew sounds reasonable and you shouldn't hesitate to ground her, take the car keys, etc., if she blows it. You don't say much about this boyfriend, whether he's the same age or a substantially older guy. You might want to drop hints in casual conversation about the questionable benefits of a relationship with someone who seems to isolate/alienate you from your family, enjoys the beneifts of your having a car (does he ever drive?) and who seems to have an abundance of time on his hands, perhaps because he is neither working nor going to school. He may not be a bad guy, but is he ambitious enough to keep up with where she sees her life and career headed? If she's thinking about college, that may broaden her horizons and slow the pace with this boy. Don't try to keep her from seeing him, just help her see the relationship for what it really is. She should always have her eyes open, even as she feels her oats. There's a balance between greater independence and going wild. Her aim is to gradually earn the former and avoid the latter.
Just because she is turning 18 doesn't mean anything should change. Don't even bring it up. She knows her curfew, she knows the rules. She's still in highschool so those rules and times should remain in place.
If she chooses to make a bad choice and move out, let her. Don't give her any support, but be there to talk to her at all times. I pray she chooses to stay at home and live under the rules.
In my opinion, just because she is turning 18, there doesn't need to be much change in her curfew times especially since she is still in high school. She needs to be home at a reasonable time on school nights and weekends I might compromise and change to midnight, but that's it.
She is still a high school student and when she graduates, she can get her own place, pay her own bills and live with her boyfriend if she chooses. That's what adults do.
When she turns 18, she can move out even if she hasn't graduated yet and she can be responsible for herself. You don't have to pay her rent or provide her with a car. If she wants to live with her boyfriend, those are things they will have to work towards for themselves.
I am of the opinion that turning 18 doesn't magically change house rules. My friends went through that with their son. He thought he could come and go as he pleased and not have to contribute anything such as mowing the lawn, taking out the trash or emptying the dishwasher like he always had.
He felt he didn't have to do any of that because he was now an adult. Well, his parents explained to him that THEY are adults and they have to contribute and pay all the bills on top of it and they didn't have to do it for someone who thought what time he came home was none of their business. Or...I need some money here or there.....
They just said it wasn't going to work that way. It was a real issue for a while, but they got it straightened out and did so by not giving in. They did compromise on some things, but he realized he wasn't ready to be out on his own and now he does things to help out without even being asked and it's working out fine.
Maybe try to get an idea of how your daughter thinks things are going to change so you can have a compromise proposal ready.
Personally, while she is in high school and living at your house, I would encourage her to work and save her money for a place and a car AFTER she graduates. I'm not saying she isn't responsible, I just don't see why two kids who are still in high school need to have their own apartment. Finishing school should be the priority and then they can make whatever plans they want and can make happen on their own.
The other thing, in my opinion, is that once kids turn 18 they think they are adults, but I've seen so many of them make very UN-adult-like decisions. Or make plans they haven't thought out as far as actually being able to handle them.
Have a heart to heart with your daughter, let her know that you think her curfews should remain pretty much the same from the standpoint of her grades and graduating being the first priority. Encourage her to discuss her plans for after high school so you can help her find ways to budget and save to make those things happen. You love her, you just want her to be thinking things through.
How do the parents of her boyfriend feel about all of this? Does he have curfews? Do they encourage them moving in together?
My son wants to be married and have children, but only after he has his career together which will take some time after he's out of high school. I'm hoping he sticks with that plan.
Your daughter may not like it, but you do not have to provide her with a car or pay insurance or anything else in order for her to live with her boyfriend. Hopefully he has the means to provide those things through his own job or combined with her income. If not, they need to re-think their plan or put it on hold until they can make it happen.
Just speak with her very matter of factly, not necessarily opposed to her plans, but hoping she can tell you how she is going to manage making her plans come to fruition. If she starts out with, "Well, you and dad can do this or that...." it shows she's thinking more about what someone else needs to do to make it happen as opposed to what she needs to do. A sure sign she's not ready and hasn't thought any further beyond that.
I hope you get some great responses. Best wishes.
I don't believe the house rules should change much just because she turns 18; however, I do suggest that you sit down and have a conversation with her asap about this. Otherwise, she will test them and come back with "I'm 18" and I believe it is so much better to set the rules now and not have surprises later.
I think her curfew during the week is reasonable. I would stretch her weekend to 12 or 1 am. Maybe go into the conversation asking her what time she thinks she should be home...maybe say "If we were to let you set your curfew, what time would it be?" and then find a happy medium.
She is still a child who happens to turning the magical age that makes her an adult for all the mistakes she could make. She wasn't thinking of all the things she would be responsible for if she were to move out (transportation, car and health insurance, food, rent, utilities)...good thing that discussion ended.
Your other house rules don't need to change but could be tweeked a bit but hold her to whatever you agree on. Maybe discuss with your hubby to see what things are most important and which you can give her some wiggle room on. That way, you can concede on a few points and she will feel like she had some say.
I agree your house, your rules. The person who pays the bills gets the last say on the rules. Sounds like your daughter is doing well. My 17 year old daughter's curfew on weekends is 12. Weekdays hasn't been a problem. She plays soccer, so she has practice or she coaches younger girls and they have practice. So weekday practice hasn't been an issue. My daughter will be 18 for senior year, so I am expecting the "I'm 18" line. Basically it will be the same. I am paying so you follow my rules. My oldest is 19 and lived at home for his freshman year in college. Him I let up on because if he was living at college I wouldn't know what he was doing. I expected him to let me know if he was going to be home for dinner and if he would be home at night (so I don't worry). Interesting - at first he was never home for dinner and usually slept at a friends house on the weekends. Latter he started eating more dinners at home and slept more at home. I think it's the normal part of breaking away from Mom & Dad. If they are being mostly responsible (they are young adults, they mess up sometimes. So no perfection is expected), that responsibility needs to be respected.
I don't have older children, but I'm young and have obviously been on your daughter's end of the spectrum. I was kicked out of my mom's at 17 while I was still in high school because my stepfather didn't want me there (I was working and doing chores as well as school, so I wasn't freeloading) so I moved in with my dad and was kicked out a month after I graduated (still was working, doing chores, preparing for beauty school etc.) but I think as long as she's in school and living under your roof, you should definitely have some ground rules. But since she is 18 and you said she has a job and is responsible (not freeloading) you should let her have some freedom. Why would she be on her own for college if she wants to move out? I don't think that's very fair. She wants to get out on her own, and I don't think she should give up on her education to do that. Obviously, taking the car away is acceptable if it is in your name and you have been making the payments. I think everyone here knows it's not uncommon to feel like spreading your wings at 18 (it is the age of first freedoms after all) so I think giving in a little on her curfew could be acceptable as long as she's not getting into trouble. Obviously, you don't have to take my advice because I'm young, don't have kids your age and sound foolish answering this, but take it from someone young - the more freedom you have means learning responsibility early.
I'd keep the rules exactly the way you have them now why change the hours? You placed those hours so she would get a good nights sleep, her schedule hasnt changed.
Midnite should be the curfew if you are going to change anything... nothing good happens after midnite and why should you be worrying and then woken up when she decides to slither in at 2am?
You will set yourself up for lots of resentment if you allow her to make her own rules while living under YOUR roof.
My mom said to me and i am 16 that I don't have a curfew but i had to call and check in let her know where i am and what i was doing and how late that i'll be out. and when she should expect me home
I was 18 during almost my entire senior year. my weekend curfew was 1am. like your daughter i was a good student, had a part time job, etc. during the week i worked most nights...so i was home around 11pm (same time even if i was w/my friends) my school started at 7:20am~ i do remember getting home from school around 2:30pm and taking a nap before work started :) and sleeping until 2pm on the weekends! oh to be teenager again :)
the way I did my son is if there was school the next day 10 pm curfew 11 if working. now as to no school the next day 130am or they stayed the night where they were. or no travel again till 3am basically off the road between 130am and 3 am.they had to give me an idea of where they were going to be and who they were with and an estimated time of arrival. my reasoning for this if you say you will be home at 330 am I am not going to worry about you till 430. the rule still stands even out of high school.
btw just my opinion dont try as long as your living in my house you will follow my rules my dad tried that when I was 18 and out of school I had my own apartment the next day. :)
Not sure if you need to worry about anything other than her boyfriend. If anything I would want to get her interested in other things that might deter her from spending so much time with him. I think if she's under your house then she has your rules. It's your car and if she wants to live on her own she can buy a car and pay for her own insurance. Things could also change in a direction she may not want when she turns 18 like more responsibility for her own payments such as paying rent or insurance cell phone etc. so Ithink shes pretty lucky to have what she has.
To clarify, it sounds like you will pay for college if she does not live with her boyfriend, but you will not pay for it if she does? Sort of enforcing morality with college tuition-understandable-which is what my parents did. I understand that philosophy, and in my case, I moved in with the boyfriend and lost the opportunity for free college, and went to work. Why? Because I thought moving in with a dude was spreading my wings and flying when we all know it's just limiting yourself and sucking up your valuable life force which should be focusing on yourself and your goals at that age, not a relationship which most likely won't last-and even if it does-all that much more reason not to hurry...AHhh, youth is lost on the young.
You need to not fret. Your house, your rules. Don't feel afraid of her reaction. She's 18 and should be living on here own except for needing help with college. The boyfriend is not part of the equation you need to worry about. He is not a priority. She's either an adult who supports herself, or she is a dependent who lives in your house while you pay for school and car insurance. The more oppressed she feels by depending on you and having house rules (or living with him), the more incentive to thrive on her own. You're right not to support her while living with the dude. And you're right to offer that choice. She's got to get up onto her own feet no matter where she lives.
For me, I struggled living with the guy for 6 years with NO financial help from home, juggled 3 jobs at once most of the time, got an entry level position at a company, and eventually climbed the corporate ladder, ditched the guy, put myself back in school on my own dime and did just fine.
Dont' worry where she takes things. Just hold up your own end of the deal and don't let her manipulate you. If you are firm, she'll be able to make something of HERSELF. Which is as it should be.
11:30 seems like an early weekend curfew to me....especially for an almost 18 year old high school senior. It is really time to let her start making some of these decisions on her own...if she goes away to college in the fall then she is going to be making ALL of those decisions very soon!! I would sit down with her and discuss it. Come to a mutually agreeable decision.
I would also tell her that she is still a part of the family, even if she IS becoming an adult...and that some things just still stand....things that basically involve being considerate of each other...for instance...if she isn't going to be home for dinner, she needs to let you know BEFORE you start cooking the meal. She needs to still do the things around the house that have always been expected...keeping her thing picked up...helping do her laundry...etc etc. I would look at this last part of her senior year as a time to start letting her go...letting her spread her wings and test the world out. You are still there as her safety net...and you can still give her valuable advice but it sounds to me like you have raised a fine young lady...relax and enjoy her!!!
Suggestions? Yes-you may want to be heavily sedated for the next 7 years. I like what you have told her-you are well within your rights to set curfews and expect accountability while she lives in your home-and if you're paying for it-while she doesn't live in your home-though that does get difficult. I wish you all the luck in the world because, frankly, at this point, despite your exhaustive investments in your child-luck is all you have.
Well, my son just turned 21 and has continued to live at home while he attends college full-time and works part-time. I STILL expect him to have enough consideration for us that he lets us know where he is going and generally when he will be home, no matter the time. You never stop worrying a little: if he says he will be home at 2AM and isn't home at 3AM, I am definitely going to worry. But that rarely happens. I have loosened the reigns over the years, but in h.s. I still had definite rules. He was generally expected home by midnight on weekends, although there were exceptions. He didn't go out too much during the week (too much homework). I think 11:30 is a bit early - maybe 12:00 or 12:30 seems reasonsable. I would agree that the rules are based on her keeping her grades up. Although I'm not one to follow the crowd, I would wonder what kind of curfews her friends have? I wouldn't necessarily encourage more time with the boyfriend at night - what's that saying? Nothing good happens after midnight! Anyway, I think the key is to allow them more freedom based on their degree of responsibility. If she goes away to college next year, she will have all the freedom she wants. But when she comes home, she still should be expected to be considerate and live by reasonable rules.
When I was 16 I was working full time and getting good grades in school. My mom and I butted heads on the curfew issue, and in the end it was decided that I had done nothing to prove I could not be trusted, and I no longer had a curfew. If she is a responsible young woman, and is almost 18, I would see no real reason for a set curfew.
I would have a curfew for school days but on the weekend a call an ask policy. On the weekend, If I wanted to stay out past 11pm, I hade to call my parents and let them know where I was and where I was going. I also had to tell them what time I would be home and call if I was going to be one minute late. That way they did not have to worry. Funny thing is, I would call my parents or sister as an adult also. I had my own appt in the same city and was in my 20's but would call and let them know if I has a date or was going to be gone for the weekend. That way if I did not call and let them know I was gona be late or that I was already home, Someone would know where to start looking. If I was ever in an accident or missing, my family would know.
I'm not sure why students think just because they turn 18 all the rules will disappear. I would simply reiterate that as long as she lives under your roof and is in high school, the rules apply and will be enforced. If the rules are THAT awful, she's welcome to move out and pay for herself. I would encourage her to make a "rules change request" and listen to her position. IF her request is reasonable, grant it. If not, say no. I would take her "rules change requests" on a case by case basis (such as a later weekend curfew).
The flip side is that if she regresses to being a 3 year old and starts throwing temper tantrums about the fact that she still has to live by the rules (or that you said no to something), you can throw her out and let her pay her own way. It might be an interesting wake up call for her to realize that her being 18 has benefits that go both ways.
I teach high school and I've seen PLENTY of the "I'm 18" drama walk through my classroom. In some cases, the students declare their independence, move out and realize it's no fun living on their own and having to pay their own way (or being totally dependent on their boy/girlfriend's parents). "Being an adult sucks, Mrs. F!" is something I hear often. In some cases, the student has been a pill for so long that they get home from school on their 18th birthday to find all their belongings neatly packed on the driveway and that their house key no longer works. These students generally undergo a radical personality makeover as they realize that NO ONE has to put up with a bratty adult.
In one extreme case, I had a student turn 18 and her boyfriend asked her dad for her hand in marriage (I thought that was sweet). The parents joyfully said yes and kicked her out the following week claiming she was now her fiance's responsibility. Both of them dropped out of school with 6 weeks to graduation, watched all their dreams fall apart and are now the parents of a bouncing baby boy.
I didn't have a curfew, yes I did drink under age but these days very few don't. If she is as responsible as you say then I don't see the hurt in giving her more time on the weekends. Keeping her from freedom will cause her to rebel. She is still trying to figure out what she wants at that age. I wouldn't be worried about what she is doing 100% of the time because if you raised her to be a responsible person then she will most likely continue that. If you tell her she has a different curfew for her boyfriend and her friends then she will most likely lie to you about where and who she is going with and you don't want that I am sure. Boyfriend/girlfriend is all puppy love at that age. Nothing to worry about. But if she wants to do something bad enough she will do it with or without your consent. Be confident in the child you raised. She won't disappoint you because that is the worst feeling the in world. A bit of independence will make her feel like you trust her but holding on to her with a death grip will not cause anything good.
I am a responsible adult because my parents gave me that freedom to "choose" right from wrong. It is how we all learn and grow as humans.
Toddlers fall 300 times before they walk. If you hold their hands it makes walking harder down the road... Catch my draft?
Went on a little tangent. Hope I helped a little. All will be fine though don't sweat the small stuff. Lifes to short. Be well!
Let her know that you appreciate how well she is doing in school and work first when you start this conversation. 10 o'clock during the weeknights is completely reasonable since she has school early in the morning. On weekends she should be allowed to stay out a little later and establish a call when you get there and set a reasonable time to come home depending on what she is doing. The check in phone call was a big thing in my house and it seems to work if they are responsible enough and have built up your trust you can then become more leanient
i don't know whether i look at it differently because we homeschooled, because i was lucky to have easy kids, or just feel differently. but in our house we never leveraged our 'rules' with finances. our kids contribute to the care and upkeep of our home because we all live here and that's how it works best for everyone. our kids pay for their cell phones because we feel that's part of becoming responsible adults. they pay insurance on their vehicles and have from the beginning. we feel that's just a good thing to do, regardless of whether or not they're following the 'rules.' they've never had a curfew, other than what's the law. if they stay out too late and are tired the next day, they have to deal. but then, when they were in high school they didn't have to get up early either so that's easier to arrange as homeschoolers. my older son moved out briefly when he was 19 and inbetween high school and college. we were sad but did everything we could to help. we knew it was his decision and an important one. he went back to college and moved back in a year later, also with our blessing.
we are only paying for community college for our kids, the rest is on them, so the money thing is slightly different with us too. but what we have agreed to pay for we pay, and we would regardless of where they live. if your daughter were to get an apartment and be responsible and hold a job and go to school, why would you deny her that? (assuming she's out of high school by then. i do think they should stay home until they graduate. but i'd also be open to discussion on it.)
is the car yours or hers? if she took over paying for the insurance, would you let her have it?
i don't know why 'feeling her oats' and being 'ready to spread her wings and fly' is a bad thing. if she can balance it all, you've done your job well. why would you NOT want her to go to college if you've budgeted for it and told her you would do that?
as long as she is at home and helping around the house, being courteous, and pulling her weight, why treat her like a small child?
For curfew, I would gauge how well you would be able to handle knowing your daughter is out late - if you set her curfew to 12, you could rest, knowing she is safe and sound...and she would probably benefit from your help, keeping her in line with her responsibilities....however, if you can tolerate it, let her make her own decisions when it comes to getting in, but let it stay within certain parameters - such as, 'as long as you keep a B or above average, then you can make your own curfew.' If she dips below her expected responsibility, then her curfew goes back to 11 or 12, etc....same goes for other rules - 'if you maintain the car, drive safely, etc, we will continue paying for your insurance,' and 'as long as you are respectful of our house, then you can have friends over, hang with your boyfriend, etc.' She will always try to test her limits with you, but if you give her respect enough to make some of her own choices/decisions, hopefully she will honor you with her choices and the two of you will have a nice friendship as adults. I also agree about the calling in - I always told my parents who I was with and where I was going and would call them when I got there safely and called if I was going to be late - or just give them a time when I thought I was going to get in....and now that texting is big, I think it would be much easier to have her text you at night to check in....I was always accountable to her, without her even having to ask....if your daughter isn't as likely to do that on her own - set up some rules about when she needs to check in with you. That will help put your mind at ease that she is safe and everything is going ok. :) Good luck with this new transition!!
I haven't read all of the other posts, and I don't particularly have a suggestion for a curfew, but I can tell you that when I went off to college, my parents instituted a policy where I could do as I please while at school, but when I was home on breaks, I was under their roof, and therefore I had to obey the rules. These rules included telling them where I was going, when I'd be home and calling if I was going to be late. Those kinds of things are just being respectful to those who care about you.