18 Year Old Daughter Out of Control

Updated on November 22, 2010
T.P. asks from Elizabeth, WV
16 answers

My daughter has completely changed into a person I do not know. She has always been a hand full, but since turning 18 she has completely went down hill. She lies on me, my husband, her sister, her grand parents,pretty much everyone who loves her. She has tried to split me and her sep father apart by telling him and everyone on my family that I am cheating on him. She is only happy when she is causing misery on everyone. If everyone is getting along, she can not handle it and starts spreading lies until everyone is arguing. She then sits back and smiles. She has a boyfriend that is 21 and he is just as much into drama as she is. Recently she ended up with mono and had such a bad case that her spleen was swollen, her throat was completely closed off and she spent 4 days in the hospital and I never left her side. When I brought her home, she wasnt allowed to climb stairs or move around and was told to stay in bed until they seen a change in her spleen. I took a total of 2 weeks off from work and exhausted all of my sick leave to take care of her. When I had to go back to work, my sister would stay with her during the day and most nights I didnt sleep but was there with her the whole time and then try to work the next morning. When she started feeling better, all hell broke lose. She was supposed to go to the mall with her little sister but once she got there she took off with someone. I called her and told her to get back to the mall and get her butt home. When she returned home, I told her that even though she was 18, she needed to let me know when she was going somewhere and since she was being irresponsible her boy friend could not come over that night. She threw such a fit, I was shocked by her reaction. She pushed me, kicked me and then started screaming that I was crazy and she was not staying here. My parents ended up coming to try to calm her down but she only got worse. She lied to my mother and told her she needed to see her booyfriend that night because she was going to tell him she didnt want to have sex anymore because she wanted to go to church with my parents and do the right thing. I know my daughter, I knew it was a lie but I needed them to see how she really is. Her boyfriend showed up, she jumped in his car and spent the night with him. He still lives with his parents, so his mother told her she could not live ther. The next day she was back home. Since she has been back, she has pretty much let me know that she got she what she wanted and rubs it in my face by telling me what she is going to do. I am at my wits end! My nerves are shot and I have tried everything with her but she doesnt care. Nothing affects her. What can I do? Any advise at all?

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So What Happened?

It is so hard to go in to detail because it is so much to type. As I stated, I have tried everything...counseling, busting her butt, grounded, you name it, I have been there done that. She has no conscience at all. She could really care less about any punishment she gets. Her real dad is still a part of her life, but she is opting not to be a part of his. He is a wonderful dad and has always been there for his girls. He just sucked as a husband. The night she pushed me and kicked me, I did not stand and take it. I slapped her up side of her head and shoved her down onto the sofa. I would have punched her and knocked her out but as I said, her spleen is still not back to normal so I was afraid of hitting her too hard for fear of her spleen rupturing. My husband is wonderful, he has been in my girls lives since they were 7 and 9. He looks at them as though they were his own. He doesnt know what to do either but thankfully he does see that she needs help. I dont know what to do that I havent already tried. I was always strict and stood behind my rules and followed through with punishment. Her sister(my 16 year old) is nothing like her and she wont even look at her after her fit . She said that she cant stand the way she treats everyone and wants nothing to do with her. So as you can see, I have tried everything. This is why I am at my wits end. I know that something has got to get through to her, I just dont know what.

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answers from Boca Raton on

She would be out of my house . . . she's an adult and needs to make her own way, especially if she is not going to be respectful of you.

Tough love may be in order.

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1 mom found this helpful


answers from Charleston on

Rule out drug use first-that's what I thought of. Hit her with an empty cup next time she comes home. If she has nothing to hide she will gladly takeit. I hope it isn't drugs, but the behavior does sound suspect. I'm a recovering addict with almost 5 years clean. If you have any questions, feel free to msg me. Hope this helps

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answers from Denver on

You have to cut her off! Kick her out and be firm! I know you love her with all your soul and that makes this the hardest thing you have ever done but it is absolutely necessary!!!! If you let this continue, your teaching her that it is ok and to keep it up. I have no idea what is going on with her but this is your home and your rules and it is her job to respect it, I don't care if she is 15 or 40, she is living in YOUR house not hers.

Staying out all night with a boy, physically and verbally attacking you is just WAY out of line and totally unacceptable, I don't care who you are! And what is she saying to her younger sister - that it is ok to be loose and nasty! Here are the steps I would take:

First sit her down with your husband present and your younger daughter (she needs to see how serious this is). Be sure to commit to being VERY calm. Explain to her that the behavior (be specific) is unacceptable for ANYONE especially for someone under your roof. Regardless of how she reacts to you, stay calm.

Then dole the consequence of her choosing to not be respectful - she will have 24 hours to get out of your house and find somewhere else to live. She should erupt by now - stay calm. Simple say again, "you will not live in this house and behave this way - period - your choice as to how you want to proceed."

Once you have explained the consequences of the continued behavior, wait and see what she does. If she continues, give her the official 24 hour notice that she has to leave. In 24 hours if she is not out, call a locksmith, pack a bag for her and put it on the front porch. If she will not leave the house, call the police.

I know it seems extremely harsh but your daughter needs to understand that you are not to be disrespected and your younger daughter needs to see that so she will not follow in these footsteps either. She is technically an adult now, treat her that way.

Good luck to you! I can speak from experience with three of my family members that these types of situations fly out of control if you try to go easy. In fact I have a 40 year old sister in law that still abuses her mother and step dad and lives under their roof. It is disgusting. Don't let that be you, you could have two daughters doing this.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

give her the options - she can stay at home on your rules or leave. And follow through, if you let her break rules and stay then she will continue to walk over you the rest of her life.

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answers from Dallas on

Beat her.... Well, might be to late for that, she is at that age she thinks she knows everything, and sometimes some people have to hit rock bottom before they can change, but Please dont allow that gir; to put her hands on her again. I know that is your baby, and it will hurt you, but you might have to shut her down, and whoop her like a little child when she tries to get physical, or call the police or something. Right now she thinks she is grown, try to kick her out and see what hapens. does she have a Job or is she still in high school? I promise me, maybe not you... I would beat that girl like she stole something. and let her knwo that if she tried to EVER even think about putting her hands on me again, She would regret it for the rest of her life..... Maybe thats a little harsh, but hey this girl is out of control..... Sorry i am kind of venting on your post. but my sister is kind of acting the same way toward my mother, she is 17, and thats teh same advice I just gave my mom...

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Toledo on

Mine was a boy, but the method is the same. We went to family therapy, and throwing her out isn't the answer, yet. She has to decide if she's an adult or not, because the privileges come at a price. As an adult, she'd be responsible for her grades until she's out of school, her own vehicle if she has one, gas, insurance, clothes, make-up, entertainment, and a token rent. In exchange for those things, she gets to go where she wants, when she wants, with whoever she wants, and will let you know, as a courtesy, if she won't be home for dinner or the night. Oh, and one more thing---any problem with the police for any reason is completely on her, because she's an adult. Negotiate with her to give her all the freedom she wants. When you let go some, you'll relax more, the stress level for everyone will go down, the yelling will calm down, and everyone will feel better. If you really can't get things under control, please go briefly to family therapy. Good luck.

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answers from Glens Falls on

Go to counseling together. Tell her that you want to have a good relationship with her, tell her that she's still in school, the two of you are living in the same house and you want to have solid communications with her now and as she enters the next stage of her life. Focus on the counseling being for the two of you - not that it's all her fault or that there the problems are all hers. This will likely be hard to do because it sounds like she has put you through the wringer...but if you want her to get some help and if you want to learn effective methods to communicate with her when she is like this, it will increase your chances of getting her to go. Good luck to you.


answers from Jacksonville on

Pack her a suitcase? Sorry. I don't know.



answers from Lexington on

have her move out - she is so independent let her try really being independent. School is legally her choice anyway



answers from New York on

Tough love! It is the hardest thing you will ever do in your life, but it
does work. Good luck.


answers from Modesto on

I think you need to tell her she needs to make a choice. Either be respectful, follow the house rules or move out.
Change the locks, put her stuff in the driveway. Call the cops if she tries to break back in. Tough love isnt easy but neither is what you are going through right now. If she wants a warm bed and a roof over her head she needs to stop the drama.
Is she on drugs? Did they give her some type of prescription that is till affecting her maybe after her bout with Mono?
I'm just sayin' no child of mine would be able to get away with acting like that and remain in my home.



answers from Detroit on

Is she still in high school or no? How about she either moves out and learns to support herself, or she can join the military.



answers from Seattle on

She is so awful to you. What happend to her that she is acting like this? Maybe she needs to go to counseling, or some kind of therapy. There has to be something deep down that is bothering her that she is taking her emotions and actions against you and your family. It is bad for all of you that she is acting like this and it seems like she needs professional help of some sort.

Either way though, you need to sit her down and set some ground rules and be completely blunt. Just tell her my house, my rules if you dont like it tough, you are 18 technically but you arent acting like it. Your acting like a child. Need to grow up and act like a lady. If she doesnt like set rules then she doesnt have to stay. As hard as it is to imagine your child leaving its even harder to stand her treating you all like she owns you. Need to put your foot down and not budge. Cause if you give her an inch she will take a foot. She knows she can manipulate you, so you need to end it. It will be better for her and for all of you if you be firm with her and let her know actions have consequences. You run the house, she does not.
Just stand your ground. Best wishes for you.



answers from Minneapolis on

I've raised two and fostered another. Went through some of this when stepson was only 14. One full year of counseling and we had a different boy living with us. Don't kick her out. We provided foster care for a 17 year-old boy whose parents were ready to kick him out. Six months in a new home and a little space from parents and he eventually graduated and served in the Marines. Get counseling as a family and for her alone. Please try it.

I don't mean you shouldn't have and enforce rules, and if she gets in trouble with the law, then she pays that price, too. I know it's hard, but don't give up. Kicking her out just makes her someone else's problem at her age.


answers from Los Angeles on

I'm sorry but I would kick her butt out. What a manipulative brat. She doesn't take you seriously, and its going to ruin your marriage! I can't believe how ungrateful she is after all it sounds like you've done for her! I feel bad for you, but man what does your husband say???? TOUGH LOVE, she NEEDS IT. Another thing is my younger sister had the SAME exact attitude when she was in high school and she was doing drugs.... Methamphetamine to be exact. That drug for some reason just makes a persons judgement, and morals just completely disappear, and they don't care about ANYBODY but themselves. They are not the person they were at all. I hope this isn't the case but its the only explanation I could think of that would make things change so rapidly.



answers from Chicago on

counseling. if you don't, things will get worse. i know she's 18 and an adult. hopefully it works.

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