.18 Year Old Daughter - Valdosta,GA

Contrary to what others have said, I agree she "used" you to pay for her last year of school when she had plans all along to leave. I would NOT pay the $5k for school; that's a reasonable amount that she can and should pay herself, given her demeanor towards you at this time.

I say send the money back to the loan company and if you are paying for her cell phone, shut it off. She can get one herself. She needs to understand what she's done and she will learn NOTHING if you pay for school and continuing paying for ANYTHING for her. Stop it all now. It's called tough love and it's the toughest thing you'll ever do!

I'd still pay the balance due for her college.
You took out the loan - you'll owe that until paid off no matter what.
She's 18, she's an adult and she's living with her Dad and experiencing some freedom.
Some kids do go a little crazy for awhile.
She's going to make her bed and she's going to have to sleep in it.
You do the best you can and it's nice if the child you raise to adulthood is somewhat grateful but it doesn't always work out that way.
For her first college year you give her a chance to make good.
See what she does with college - and if she quits or flunks out, THEN you do not pay for additional college.
Anything she does after that she'll have to do by paying for it herself and working jobs to earn the money for it.

I'm glad that Julie brought up your earlier post about your husband. I also read about your husband's daughter. Julie's right. Your husband is a real jerk and I don't blame your daughter for getting out of your house.

What is a real shame is that she is trading one jerk, your husband, for another, the thug boyfriend. It sounds like you were with your fiance for at least 5 years. She learned to put up with a jerk from you, mom. Your fiance wasn't a wonderful person and then overnight became a nightmare for your daughter.

When you're praying and crying, you need to also be apologizing for having put this man ahead of your child for the past 6 years. And while you're apologizing, resolve yourself to forge a new relationship with her when SHE is ready to let you in again. And it better not involve trying to push her into having anything to do with your husband if she doesn't want it to.

Yes, you pay the extra money for her to go to school in August. When you two finally do start talking to each other, you can ask her what her plans for her sophomore year are. It could be that she can cover the $6000 shortfall. Or maybe she can cover some of it. What you DON'T do is tell her that you won't pay this because she left. If you do, you may never see her again.

If your husband tries to tell you that you can't pay to help her, tell him to go screw himself. He only cares about his jerk daughter and he doesn't get a vote in this. You are paying the emotional price now for his behavior towards your daughter, so you need to take the responsibility and let your daughter go and live her life. She will either learn the hard way with thug boyfriend, or she'll do what YOU did, and end up with a jerk.

You might not like what I'm saying, but you need to hear it anyway.

You want her to go to college and not drop out and live with the guy you don't like, right? If so, pay for the college as you agreed. Text her every now and then (like 1-2 times a week) to keep in touch. Don't lecture her, just let her know you are thinking of her and love her. Give her time to grow up a bit and come back to you on her own terms. If you don't do anything drastic, you might be able to repair your relationship later.

As for your ex complaining, well, he made that bed with his parenting choices. He has to lie in it.

She "used you for her final year of high school"? I'm sorry, around here, we call that "parenthood".

A lot of people have crappy self involved parents. I think there's a chance your daughter might be able to rise above that.

I'm rooting for her.

:(

She is an "adult" who is going to college in less than two months. Stop crying, what she is doing is normal, and fine. She is breaking away and seeking her independence.

She didn't "use" you for her last year of school -- she was a minor, and you are legally and morally obligated to care for your child in her last year of high school.

She just needs to be out on her own for a while and she will start becoming more mature and seeking out your company again. But you have to give her the freedom. Stop crying and praying, it's not necessary. What your daughter is doing is common, especially with older teens who have been living under very structured, tightly monitored conditions.

Stop insulting her boyfriend. She will see his flaws more clearly when mom gets off her back. If you keep calling him a thug, she's just going to defend him.

I'm so sorry - I can only imagine the heart-ache you feel.

That being said, instead of feeling used for her final year of private high school, feel grateful that she did, in fact, finish high school. It was your decision to send her there and pay for it. She may not appreciate it now, but she might someday. And even if she doesn't ever appreciate it, at least you know that you did your best raising her.

Regarding the $5000 to cover the unfunded college expenses, I know what I should do if I were in your shoes, and then what I *would* probably do. Knowing me I'd go ahead and pay it, letting her know that it is a gift to her for this particular school year. And then I'd tell her in a nice way, that since she's decided to be an adult, you're going to honor her decision and let her cover the rest of her college expenses. Full-fledged adults are not entitled to be supported by other adults, barring some extreme circumstance, even if the supporting adult is your parent!

It's really tough to parent a young adult child sometimes. I would keep the big picture in mine and try to be loving, stable, door-always-open type. Yet I would also do my best not to enable negative behavior.

Good luck and hope things get better for you.

PS: Consider a good therapist to talk to about all this - someone who is neutral.

Ugh - my husband has a daughter like that, thug boyfriend and disappearing act, and all that. I feel your pain.

I don't know if you gave her too many material things and too much structure/discipline, or if her father gave her way too little, or if this all came as a complete surprise with not clues at all. If you are completely shocked and it's not because you and your husband weren't paying attention, then your daughter is a very accomplished liar. I'm sorry, but no high school senior gets away with so much unless you weren't checking up on her on the big stuff.

But then again, some kids just flip a switch when they turn 18, and get this idea that they are invincible and totally independent. They forget that they really aren't, because the parents are paying the cell phone bill and the car & insurance, medical coverage, spending money, and the things you list like the prom dress.

If the boyfriend isn't going to the same college, I do think your best bet is to get her off to college. That leaves the next 2 months in play. So I would cut off her cell phone for now, and maybe pull the plates/insurance on her car. If she disappeared and lied, she's not responsible enough to have electronics and machinery. But that's if YOU pay all of this and her father doesn't, and if he will cooperate with you. I think you give in on the curfew, but insist on some communication from her and some honesty.

Once you get her attention, you sit down and tell her that, if she's totally independent and living on her own, then she can pay her own way through college and get herself a loan. Federal loans are not hard to get, and you absolutely REFUSE to put this in your name vs. hers. She can pay it back with a low interest rate after she graduates.

But you have to be concerned with her behavior because, if she doesn't get her butt to class and if she blows off the homework, she will lose her scholarship. If you want to offer some sort of help after the fact - if she gets decent grades (not all As but enough to stay on the team), then it can be a reward IF she complies.

You have to finish crying, and although you can keep praying, there's an expression that we have to "pray with our feet" - that is, we don't pray passively only, but we pray for guidance and strength to take action. God isn't going to take care of this for you or for her. God's going to give you some answers, perhaps from your friends here on Mamapedia, and help you open your eyes and ears to choose a good option.

You MUST realize that you have to have a backbone, and that you still have a ton of control here. You can't nag her into coming home by 11 or any of that, but you can certainly step back and stop providing for someone who thinks she's such a grown-up. Your ex has to step up, but maybe he won't. It sounds like he's giving up after a short time.

So you can start by packing up her things and delivering them to her father's house - don't ask permission, just do it. Put them in a safe place like his garage or the back porch, and inform him and her that they are coming. Make it about "convenience" for her, not "I'm kicking you out." Transfer the phone into her name, give her the name of the car insurance agent if applicable, and make it a "gift" for her graduation and her adulthood.

Make it clear that adults don't whine, so you aren't going to listen to any tantrums or sense of entitlement. And tell her boss that you aren't taking calls for her, he needs to contact her directly. Tell your ex you aren't listening to his complaints if you don't have an agreed-upon parenting plan between the 2 of you.

Get counseling, with or without her dad, asap. Please put aside the argument that you and your husband have given her X Y and Z - no teen wants to hear that. This is not about her gratitude to you or what she owes you - and don't tell her who to date. You DO have the right to insist on truth, whereabouts, and some sharing of expenses if she's such a big grown up. But you aren't taking on $5000 in debt (and did you account for books and spending money and activity fees and "extras"???) for someone who isn't trustworthy.

She's 18 and separating herself from her family. It's what kids do. Yes, you should still pay the $5000 for college. She will learn the grass isn't greener but you have to work on your relationship. She's going away to college in a very short amount of time. She is making her own choices and she can because she's an adult. Her dad has to deal with her on his own. He allowed it and you stepping in will only push your daughter further away. Support her and let her know you're there for her and work to develop a new relationship

You have no obligation to her unless you live in New Jersey where for some odd reason divorced parents are obligated to pay for college. (don't ask, I don't know)

She is 18 and has chosen to turn her back on you. Let her know that you still love her and are puzzled and hurt by her actions. Then let her deal with them. No money for anything. Period, end sentence.

Keep talking to her, by letters and texts even if you get no response at all. Make it clear she is welcome back but that you need an explanation and some respect.

Good luck. She is an adult now, let her feel like one.

If she believes that she is old enough to take care of herself and not have the courtesy or respect to be honest with the adults in her life, than she is also old enough to figure out how to pay her own tuition. If you haven't already paid the excess portion of her tuition, don't. Tell her that if she wants the money it comes with rules. Then set those rules and be consistent in enforcing them. If you pay her tuition and she doesn't stay in school, you are still obligated to pay that loan back, and even if you're only a cosigner, you will still be responsible if she refuses to pay it herself.

My daughter is about to start her second year of college, and I can tell you that there are a lot of options out there for her to find her own money to pay for school. She needs to be looking at grants, other scholarships, and students loans. If she only needs $5000 she should have no problem finding that on her own. Tell her to contact the financial aid office at the school she will be attending and they will help her through the process.

You and your husband need to get on the same page. I read your previous post from November 2014 - about your husband being upset that HE didn't have the money to pay for YOUR daughter...

Do you think the reason she left your house is because you and your husband are bickering over HER?

Maybe you gave her too much and now she feels entitled to things and that things will just fall in her lap??? Did she EARN anything you gave her? Yes, she used you. You ALLOWED her to use you.

She's 18 - that makes her a legal adult. While she is living under your roof? She should respect your rules, however, why should she? She got everything handed to her and didn't have to earn anything.

Would I pay the $5K? Nope. I would return the money and tell her to figure it out on her own. She's now a legal adult and she has to grow up. Maybe she can sell her prom gown?

Your ex is complaining because why? Tell him he needs to be a father. Simple as that. While she lives under either one of your roofs? She needs to follow the rules. Unfortunately, this will be a hard concept for her since she's never had accountability for herself.

I expect you'll be a grandmother in the next 12 to 18 months because she didn't believe it could happen to her and will whine to you to help her out because she doesn't know what to do....and you will acquiesce and she will learn again that if she screams, cries or whines enough - you will step up and do it for her.

Tell your daughter NO. She's a legal adult and will have to figure out how to get that $5K she needs for HER education.

First of all, I would not have paid for a $1000 senior trip or a $600 dress. But that's me.
At 18, she can legally stay out as long as she wants, date (and have sex with) the consenting adult of her choosing, and needs your permission for nothing.
As she is now legally an adult, that also means that you are not legally responsible for paying for her school, her phone, her car, or any of her other expenses.
My kid paid for her college tuition the same way I did - grants, scholarships, loans, and a job.

I'd let her get the loan to pay her extra cost if she can, or see if she can do college work study or something. Let her go, she's letting go of you.

IF IF IF IF she is actually going to go to school and not just pretend to go and skip classes so she can live on her own then I might think about letting her go and paying for it.

If she's going to sneak him down there and end up flunking out then I don't know, I'd make a way for her to pay her own $5000 by working on campus or getting her own loan.

It must be very difficult to know how to parent an 18 year old - someone who's legally an adult but still making some imature choices. You want to protect her from poor choices like the boyfriend. You want her to work and save some money, because you know she's going to need it. It's tough!

Try to understand her point of view. Some of your rules probably made her feel like you think she's a child. Most 18 year olds don't have a curfew anymore. I'm willing to bet she has friends without curfews. She probably resents the fact that you told her not to date her boyfriend and thinks you don't trust her judgement. (What's the easiest way to get your teen to date a particular person? Tell them not to!)

She probably doesn't appreciate what you've done for her. That's fairly common. Teens tend to think they know everything and parents aren't too bright. Mark Twain once said, "When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years."

Give her some time. She might need to test her wings a bit. She may be making some poor choices and need to suffer the consequences. That's how we learn.

There is no right or wrong answer to paying for college. If you can help her and want to, great. If you want to wait and see, that's ok, too.

Giver her some time. Maybe in a day or too send her a text saying you miss her but understand that he needs her space. Or you could invite her to lunch. Maybe you could meet her somewhere, not at home, and give her a chance to talk about it. It's important that you reach out but don't push. That's a tall order, but you have to try.

Give her some space, but do let her know that you are still there for her. She needs some room to try things her way and make some mistakes. But it you tread carefully, you will probably find that a young woman still needs her mom.

Wait...so is she living with your ex or not? The fact that he called you 2 days after she supposedly moved in with him looking for her makes it sound like she didn't go there, yet you finish by saying that he is complaining about her being there?

In any case...don't do a thing for her until she learns to apologize and communicate. She'll get a wake up call when she tries to head off to school and they don't have her place ready because the bill hasn't been paid and she can decide to treat you with respect or find a way to pay that $5K per year herself.

When your ex calls to complain tell him that he's the father of an 18 yr old and he needs to put on his big boy pants and figure it out. Then hang up. Lather, rinse, repeat as often as he calls.

As far as your daughter's behavior? I think if she wants to be an adult then its time for you to cut those apron strings and let her fly. Are you paying for a cell phone? Tell her to transfer the number and billing to her name. Give her a week to do it and if she doesn't then shut it down. Sorry but adults don't have people paying their cell phone bills. Is she driving a car in your name? Are you paying insurance? I'd tell her to get that car back asap because you are cancelling the insurance. If she wants to buy the car from you and insure it herself then great. Grown ups don't have people give them cars and pay the insurance.

As far as school goes I would pay the $5k if I was able and see what happens. If she isn't making the grades and is using her school time to party then I wouldn't be paying for a second year. I've always found that a dose of reality either helps put them on the correct path or doesn't matter to them. Whatever choices she makes are hers to make. You've got to stop whining, crying, and praying over this situation and start treating her the way you would treat an adult. Hopefully she'll figure out that being an adult SUCKS!!!!

In the state of New Jersey when your child becomes 18 they are considered an adult. I treat my children like adults when they become 18. This means I don't tell them who they should or shouldn't hang out with because I understand that life is a far better teacher than I am. I let them know I expect them to let me know if they are coming home late but I'm not particularly concerned with where they are because I trust what I have poured into them when they where chilren and early teens to kick in or not which is fine because life is a better teacher than I am.

If my children give me their @ss to kiss, I still love them but I don't pay for things for them. If my kid chooses to move out, I'm not emotional about it because adults have the right to move where they please but they also don't get me to finance their college experience because that degree isn't in my name but in theirs. So that loan should have been hers to get for herself especially since she has a scholarship.

Learn your lessons momma and let your baby bird fly from the nest. Trust you poured some good things into her. Be available to listen and to guide her but don't be too quick to let her back into your home. If she does ask to return, please have a set of rules laid out for conduct in your home and lay out the expectations.

Absolutely pray but stop crying over your adult daughter making adult decisions because life is such a better teacher besides didn't you expect her to become independent from you as she was growing up? Many other parents have braved this part of parenting and you can too. This will pass and she will grow and so will you.

As she goes through this process you must insist she respect you and your rules. If she is living with her dad, that's great at least you know she is with her father even if he doesn't parent like you do. Again life is a great teacher.

So sorry you are going through this. Good for you to keep the phone and vehicle, you are teaching her to respect your parameters. Unfortunately, nothing you can do except let her know you love her unconditionally and will be there for her when/if she decides to move back and respect your house rules.
It's frustrating and devastating to watch kids move in with an ex that doesn't have their best interest at heart. The kids enjoy the freedom, lack of responsibility and accountability, none of it is good but hopefully they mature and come to realize this.
The crapper is we have to watch and wait. Hopefully she'll stay on track enough to continue with her scholarship and mature a little while at school. Until then, know that you did everything as well as you could, you built the foundation now she needs to build the house.