18 Year Old Daughter

I thought about this a lot last night and I wonder if you made a deal with her?
When my husband and I wanted to get married we were very young.

We met with his parents and explained we wanted to get married. Their answer was "we do not give you permission." We told them "we are not asking their permission are just informing you." They said,": well we are not helping you." We said "we are not asking for your help." They said "we are not helping pay for the wedding." We answered, "that is fine, because we feel if we cannot afford to pay for our own wedding, we certainly cannot afford to be married. "

If your daughter cannot afford to pay for her way to get up and back, to stay there without the financial help of this young man, his family, her parents AND Pay for HER OWN health needs, she cannot afford (emotionally and financially) to go up there. She is not a true grown up until she can support herself.

Maybe it is time to have her prove she is an adult by doing what the rest of us do. Work, save and pay our own way. She should be a little embarrassed, that they are willing to pay for her visit, because they know she does not have her own money. I know I would have been.

I prided myself on the fact, that I did not need help financially from anyone. This made me take responsibility for my choices. It also gave me power, because I knew I could leave or change my plans without feeling any obligation.
Just another thought.
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Would it make more sense for his mom to pay for him to visit at your home for a while? Maybe he could stay 2 weeks.. Since he does not have a job, maybe you could think of a project for them to work on for you..

Get to know him while keeping an eye on them.. Also he can see what is necessary to care for a diabetic..

Get him to meet all of your friends relatives.. etc.. make him feel the love of and smothering of a close family.. hee, hee..

If she agrees go together with your daughter,you will have to spend some money but you should do it.I think you will return together very soon.There is a very strange thing there.

I agree with Dora. If she insists on going, go with her. Get to know everyone and the situation. If it doesn't pan out, be as supportive as possible. It will only strengthen your relationship.

I like Laurie's ideas too. If you tell her no, she will go for sure. Tell her that she is an adult and it is her decision. Tell her that you aren't trying to tell her what to do but would like her to really consider what she is proposing to do. Tell her that it would make you feel much better if she could meet him and get to know him better before she moves...ask him he can come visit.

Explain that as an adult, she can not act so spontaneously and needs to look at things objectively. Ask her to consider the following (do not yell or get emotional...if you have to write it all down). What about all the things that goes with being an adult..if she moves, who will truly be supporting her? If things don't work out, what will she do, where will she live, and/or how will she get home? or would she stay there? Does she have a job lined up? Transportation? If she says he will...ask her how since he doesn't have a job. What about insurance for that transportation? How about health insurance and the cost of her diabetic medication/insulin?

What is she planning to do for insurance?

I don't know what you can really do. If she's hell bent on it and she's 18..it's so super scary though. Kids think that everyone they meet on the internet is who they say they are. Sadly, it's just not the case. Can you try to talk to her again? Maybe offer to pay for him to fly to meet you and your family? If not, I agree with the others..go with her. There is no way in HELL I'd let her go alone. In fact, I'd make it a family trip. Take your husband too. Hell, I might even take the neighbors ;) Safety in numbers! LOL! Seriously though, she doesn't go alone. Period.

His mother is willing to pay for her flight but not her son's? This is a serious red flag!!

My brother is a borderline sociopath. He married a wonderful woman whom he met on the internet. He is a pathological liar and the person she thought she was marrying is not the person she actually married. He went to meet her and put on a great show for three days (he's an incredibly skilled liar, and aside from his sociopathic tendencies has some really good qualities which make a great first impresion.)

I just went to visit her and he keeps her isolated, with no acces to money, no way to leave him. He has thwarted her efforts to get a degree and a good job. She doesn't feel like she can go home after 13 years of marriage and not have any way to support herself. She desperately regrets her decision, and hears the "I told you so's" every single day.

I hope you'll show this to your daughter. The man doesn't work. All else aside, in my opinion when a man doesn't work, he isn't a man.

I sincerely hope she changes her mind. Her plan is insane.

OH, I should mention that they spoke daily for two years, chatted every minute of the day, exchanged pictures, etc. He put on a really good show.

There is nothing you can really do except hope that she doesn't get pregnant. When she decides to come home ( and she will decide to come home) welcome her with open arms and chalk it up as a life lession. If you try to keep her from going and succeed she will resent you. Just let her go and find out for herself. 18 is grown legally, but mentally she isn't there maturity wise to know this is a really really bad decision. When I was 19 I moved to Atlanta to live with an a-hole, my dad fought it tooth and nail. I went anyway. Came home 4 months later. It was a bad situation. If I didn't go and we broke up I would forever resent my parents, but I found out for myself. She has to go her own path in order to learn. So the next time she is faced with a cross roads decision she will know from life experience which one is the right one.

In the long run she will be ok. Just be there for her while she's trying to find herself. At that age all I wanted to do was break away from my parents. It's the freedom of being a new adult and making your own decisions. Granted they are crappy ones. She has to get it out of her system before she can fully grow up. I've been there. It'll pass.

Edit: I just looked at another post. Going with her is a great idea!! And you know, it does sound fishy. Perhaps this isn't just a simple case of wanting to be with a boyfriend. Those people could have a negative agenda. There are people in this country being sold into sex slavery. Yes, go with her!

It's a MAJOR RED FLAG that 'someone' will pay for her to go there, but not the reverse. Sounds way too much like a scam/trap to me. Sorry to be alarmist, but that is my honest thought. I totally agree with Shaun C - GO WITH HER. Do not let her go there alone! Definitely communicate with these people prior to any trip out there, and definitely make it a family trip, regardless of the cost. Offer to fly him out here to meet and get to know your family. Whatever you have to do to keep your daughter from going there alone. DO IT. Notify the police this is going on. This is serious business. You just can't be too careful. There are horror stories about this kind of stuff happening all the time these days.

This sounds like we could be reading about her in the news in a couple of months. CREEPY! Seriously. Why on earth would his mother pay to fly her out there? Who would do that? Who would think it a good thing for a young lady to fly out away from her family to live with a man she has never met before? What mother would think that is reasonable? I seriously doubt that this is his "mother" who is paying for this. It sounds very wrong and dangerous. Have you googled his name? Do you have his address? Can you call his local police station and ask about him? I would do all of this and more. Why doesn't your daughter have better sense than this? Where is her dad? What are his thoughts?

NO NO NO.
Laurie A. has good ideas... hee, hee.

Put it this way.. the human brain is not even fully developed until 26 years old... an 18 year old, does not have complete maturity or "wisdom" to assess themselves or situations, nor potential danger....

She also has a real serious health problem, diabetes. (I know, my Dad was Diabetic).
How is her self-care of herself? Is she responsible????
Do 'they' know she is Diabetic and HOW to care for her and in emergency situations???

Sure, its her decision. She will rebel the more you tell her no.
18 year olds do that.

She has never met him nor his Mom. What if, he is predator? Or the "Mom" is a weirdo?
How can she just move into a home.. not even knowing him or where he lives or their situation?

Real creepy....
If he were a "man" and his Mom were upstanding... they would, on their own volition... ASK your daughter, to speak to you... and to get to know you, on the phone or not.

OR, have the so called boyfriend, visit HER first... in HER town. And meet you too.... that is only proper.

How long has she 'known' him anyway, online????

What if that is not even his real name and information he's been sharing online with her?
What website did they meet on?
Many people, fabricate other personas, onlline....

I don't know....

all the best,
Susan

Immediately I think all the worst. To me it sounds like a sex slave ring since he won't come here but they'll pay for her to go there. Do whatever it takes to find out the truth. Offer to pay for him to fly to you. If he is legit, he should accept. Find all kinds of video about this sort of thing and make her sit down and watch it. Ask a police officer come and talk to her. As far as going down there with her, remember that anything is possible and women have been abducted even in pairs. Just because you go with her doesn't mean you both will be safe. And get down on your knees and beg, plead, and CRY if that's what it will take to make her stay!!! You could also think about showing her all these answers you've gotten from other women. Aside from all that, even if he is not a threat, a half-way decent guy would come to her.

Watch the movie "Taken" with Liam Neeson. Make sure she watches it with you.

I would definately take the whole family down there to meet the boyfriend and mom...maybe even a surprise visit (if you can do it). You can all draw your own conclusions, and discuss them. A two week try-out is a great idea!

Additionally, if she is grown up enough to make the decision to live with a boy...she should be grown up enough to get her own insurance, and also she should be paying her own way to go. What lessons are you teaching the both of them by mom and dad paying for trips and or insurance, etc.? I would completely cut off financial support of any kind. Emotionally, I would be completely supportive and positive, but financially she should be taking care of herself - whether or not she "can" be on your insurance.

She can save up the money to make the move. She can also find a job, and a way to support herself. Whether or not he is leaching off of his mom or dad...she doesn't need to follow his bad example. Let her know you are all for it if she has a plan, and the necessary financing in place to make it on her own. If she is an "adult" she shouldn't be even thinking of living off his mom and dad...that's not an adult way of thinking.

Basically, I would tell her that If you want to play house and be the grown-up, you can make choices by yourself - and take care of yourself. Additionally, if she is not in school, she will not be able to stay on your insurance indefinately.

I wish you luck!

Oh momma! This is horribly scary. Huge hugs to you. The pressure she is getting sends up a thousand alarm bells...will pay for her to go there but not for him to come visit her...lots of vague promises, etc.

Here is the approach I would take. Do not try to talk her out of it. Instead take on the role of confidant and friend. Ask questions and let her provide the answers.

Where will they be living? What expenses will she have? Rent, utilities, food, transportation, medication, clothing, etc. How will she pay those expenses? Does she plan to get a job? Doing what? What back up plan does she have if she can't get a job? Does she plan to continue her education? What will she do when she can't stay on your insurance (if not in school most insurance has an age cutoff for being on a family plan)?

What if she gets there and he is not who he says he is? What will be her back up plan? What if she finds herself in an abusive situation, how will she handle it in terms of getting out safely?

What is her hopes for this relationship? Why does she want to go now? What would be the problem with waiting? How will she prevent pregnancy until they are in a stable financial situation? What will she do if she does get pregnant? How will they support a baby? Does anything worry her about this situation? Can she think of other solutions that would ease them into their in person relationship more gradually? Would some back up support be helpful?

Do NOT answer any of the questions for her or give her any opinions unless she asks you a direct question. I remember that at this age I started making some pretty weird choices out of ignorance and an inflated sense of being an adult. My mom didn't argue my questionable choices, she just posed enough questions to me for me to start thinking through the whole thing and making the realization on my own that it probably wasn't going to turn out as I imagined it.

I think making the trip down together with her is a fantastic idea. You can stay in a hotel nearby and they can have some regular dates first. If she is adamant about not going with you maybe she can think of 2-3 girlfriends who would go with and be there for support and opinions on the situation. Does she have any close friends that could talk with her now about this decision?

And most of all good luck, I hope things work out okay.

Whoa, that is scary. The only thing I can think of is that you drive her down there to meet him first. Maybe once she meets him she will think twice -- maybe he is not who he says he is!

But leaving all that scary stuff aside, I think living together can be really hard when you are young. The first week that my soon-to-be-husband and I lived together was just awful! And we were twenty-six, not eighteen!

Of course, if you tell her horror stories about people living together, she will just tune you out.

Drive her there, maybe with your husband along, too. It sounds like a dangerous situation.

Yes, it is her decision, you can't legally stop her. The best that you can do is suggest other alternatives for now (such as having him visit or visiting him for a short time, suggesting she ask about background checks and the like, offer to go with her for a visit to see if she is comfortable with them) and hope she comes to her senses about this. Be sure she's aware of the logistical issues, such as how she will support herself and pay for her medical expenses. Most likely, this arrangement will not last long, going to live with strangers in a place where she knows nobody else. Good luck

Legally, there really isn't anything you can do, except worry of course. You really need to keep your relationship with her positive. She will need to know she can count on you to help her out of a bad situation without a whole lot of "I told you so's." You can tell her you don't agree with her decision but that you will support her decision. Can you go with her when she moves? If she were going off to college you would probably go with to help her move into her dorm. In this case you could spend a few days to help her get adjusted and at the same time get a better read on the situation she is getting into. Also, I recommend buying her a trac phone (Walmart, Kmart, etc.). You pay for the minutes up front and they don't expire for a year. Tell her to keep it in a safe place. If things do turn ugly she will have a way to reach you without them knowing.
I'm sorry for what you are going through. I hope all turns out well!

I added some extra info after I sent this to you
Please reread.

Do everything in your power to stop her.
Take her to the police dept. and have them educate her on the dangers of dating online and then going to meet them.

Go on YouTube and look up Dateline NBC about sexual predators online.
They have ALOT of video's to see.
Look for one called How to catch a preditor - Ft. Myers Florida Part 1.

Have her watch Nancy Grace at night - I believe it is on CNN.

She should know better than this.

What about school? Did she already graduate?

Your daughter should under NO circumstances go running off to live
with some dude she met online! She needs to understand there are nuts out there, and for all she knows this guy is some druggie or pimp or screwed up in some other way.
Under absolutely no circumstances do you do anything to enable her to go there - no insurance, no money, nothing.
If she's so determined to do this, don't let her go alone! And, before anyone goes anywhere, call the police, or use the internet or whatever you have to do to explore whether Prince Charming and his nutso mother have a criminal background.
This is absolutely NOT safe!
I understand because of her age, you're in a spot, but you need to do some investigation, check court records - I'd even hire a private investigator if necessary. This could be the biggest mistake of your life. I'd hate for you to live with a world of regret if something horrible happens.
The internet is no place to be looking for a boyfriend.

You can check his states registered sex offenders registry. Different states use a diferent title for the website to check for any activity in the circuit court system but that is a good idea too. You can check for lawsuits, criminal convictions, evictions, traffic violations etc. However remember that most sex offenders and serial killers would pass a background check, until they are caught.
I would plan a family vacation to his hometown and plan a meeting in a public place. A picnic in a park would be a safe bet. Do not tell him where you are staying, if your daughter tells him, change hotels. This sounds like a set-up to me. It could be for a sex slave, drug mule, or any number of things. If the guy is so great why can't he get a date or have a relationship with a woman from his hometown?
I wouldn't bother calling the police they can't tell you anything. If he begins to call your home incessently you can ask the police to tell him to stop calling but if your daughter is determined to meet him-- she will find a way.

I knew someone who ran away to be with his online girlfriend. She told him where to meet her and everything she "died" on his flight up there... uh-huh! I think it was all a bunch of bs and I am 19! He almosted failed school and was stuck uo there for a month bc he kept moving around and his parents couldnt get ahold of him. They were so scared!!!!!! Tell them that you want him to fly down and meet ya'll first! Be prepared bc he could be a predator. Many girls dont realize how tricky these people are and then they are gone! Good luck and try to get him to come down (maybe with his mom) and tell her if they get along with you and you them then you will be more supportive.

I can understand your dilema, this is a awful time for both of you. She is wanting her independence and you want her to be safe. Is there anyway that you both can visit the boyfriend and her mother? So that you will have more peace of mind and your daughter can see what she is stepping in to? Your daughter is starting to have a mind of her own and while it is hard for us as parents to cut the apron strings it is something that has to be done. We can not always accept what our children decide but we can always be there for them if they need help. Good Luck and I hope things work out for both of you!

Please call your local police or sheriff's office and see if a qualified officer would pay an unannounced visit to your home while your daughter is there, to talk to her about the dangers of this situation. I just watched a show on TV where this kind of thing is happening (YES, in the USA) and the girls are forced to be slave prostitutes. Don't be afraid to do something even if it upsets your daughter - you could be saving her life.