18 Y/o Cousin Getting Married....

Well I have good news, over the years my family adjusted the level of insanity before calling me to the point where unless someone died, they didn't call. :p

Hey if you have everyone's email I would draft one. My mom was crazy pre- email. I usually went with yah yah, I know, you know she is nuts, yah yah, I am quite excited. Then they would usually talk about how my mom used to be normal, yah yah, so I have heard, can't believe it, oh that is funny (even though I heard it for the same person 20 times).

Like I said eventually it stopped.

I never heard of anyone not going to a wedding because of age. Isn't she too young to be with the guy for 4 years then? I don't understand how that would affect someone going to a wedding or not. It's the girl's decision to get married not like she's asking for permission. Many people get married young and are still married. Many do and aren't. Many live together and it ends. I would not comment on it and go to the wedding.

How do other family member call?
Panic'd, freaked out (like your Mom)?
Stay calm, answer with short (one word if you can) answers.
"So and so is getting married!?!?!" You: "Yep".
'"Isn't she too young?!?!?" You: "Nope".
"What is she doing with her life?!?!?". You: "Don't know. Seems like she has a plan.".
"I'm not going to the wedding!!!". You: "Ok. We'll miss you. Maybe. A little."
They are trying to fan a flame - just don't act like dry tinder - reject sparks.
If you let the drama slide off you. they'll eventually decide you're no 'fun' and will quit calling to bait a reaction out of you.

It is your cousins choice to get married... have they forgotten it is her life? Your mom needs to remember she is not going out and "getting married" just to P people off. It is no ones choice but your cousins and to sit there and judge is horrible! why do people have to make things be about them, when they are in no way involved? Really, how is your cousin getting married interfearing with your mothers life? Tell your mom to quit being so negative and keep her mouth shut, It's not about her. If she chooses not to go to the wedding boo hoo. If I was your cousin and found out my Aunt was talking trash.... well let's not go there because what I would say would not be nice ;)

As for you I would simply tell your mom every time she calls and rants "Mom I love you, but my time is more valuble than to piss and moan about something that does not pertain to us. Either we change the subject or I'm going to have to go" or just the simple "Im too busy right now"
As far as supporting your cousin, OF COURSE!! It's not your life and to sit back and be negative is like your jelous of their lives. There is nothing more hurtful than family talking about you behind your back.

Why should your cousin have to defend herself, when it is a choice she is making about herself. You can't choose what age you fall in love, and when you find it you hold onto it. There are some people out there who have never truly fell madly in love, and settle instead. I am a lucky one to have the chance to experience full blown unconditional love, and this is from a man that use to be a boy at 18 and I was just a silly little sophmore at 15. Over 13 years together, 2 boys and still get butterflies in my stomach :)

*** oh and if it was me I wouldnt send out an email, that's how your going to get involved. When they call do something as stated above or just the "I don't have time for this"

Good Luck, your family sounds just as dysfunctional as mine! :)

Tell your mom that she's entitled to her opinion, but you don't agree and you're going to the wedding to support your cousin - who is going to get married whether or not they are there. Just be a broken record. "The opinions of my mother are her business. Please discuss them with her. I am attending the wedding."

I wasyoung when I got married. We were 19 when we got engaged and 20 when we married. I remember mother in law telling us, we did not have her approval or permission. We told her we were not asking, we were telling her we were getting married and we hoped she would be there.

Then she told us, she would not help pay for the wedding or anything else, we told her we were not asking ANYONE for any money. If we could not afford our own wedding, we could not afford to get married.

We have been married over 30 years. I no longer speak to MIL.

Wow...your mom needs to chill out and stop trying to start drama! 18 may seem young, but some women are more mature than others at that age. And, like you said, she will likely have a long engagement anyway! I think 18 is a lil young, myself, and I know, when I was engaged at 20, people told me I was too young to know what I want, it wouldn't work, blah blah blag. We already owned a home and we both had decent jobs...and now almost 20 yrs later, are still together (we have been together since we were 17 btw.)

So, when relatives, call, just stay neutral, don't bad mouth your mom, just say your think it's great news and wish them the best and leave it at that. I wouldn't get any more involved than that...no email or letter. And yes, whether you think what she is doing is right or that she's too young, it's not your choice to make and I'm sure she'd appreciate support.

I hope everything calms down and that your family can celebrate w/ her and that she really is doing the right thing!

Wow. Your family sounds like they would get along great with mine. I really thought that we were the only ones who had this sort of drama. :)

Not participating in your mom's campaign to boycott the wedding seems like a good idea to me. If people ask you about your mom's behavior you can just tell them you don't agree with her, are happy for your cousin and wish her and her fiance all the best.

Are our moms the same too?!?! Geez!

I'd be honest with her like you have been. Tell her you support it and that if she doesn't she needs to keep her opinions to herself.

If you support your cousin, keep it up. If everyone else is against her she will NEED someone on her side.

"freak out wagon" lol.
Personally, that is too young (I was married and had a son at 19) and in hindsight, that was too young. Our disapproval comes from our hindsight and I'm sure that is where your mom is coming from. Remain neutral, no reason to really take sides, and hope for a looooooooonnnnng engagement.

I think what your mom is doing is really mean, and your cousin will never forget this. If the wedding does happen and your mom doesnt show up, and tries to get people on her band wagon, Im afraid she will lose a neice.

Been there, done that. Dont mess with someones wedding!!

I would stay far away from this!

Your mom sounds like a drama queen who might need more to do.

IF they call you, say "Yes...I don't understand her logic here. I'm happy for Susan!" How would you be "in the middle" of it? You have your opinion, she has hers. You can go to the wedding (if & when it happens) and she can stay home. You're ALL adults.

By sending a mass email you are just playing into her love of stirring up drama.

Do what you feel is right, which sounds like supporting your cousin.

There's an absolutely LOVELY country song about getting married too young (17) that's being sung after 58 years of marriage, how everyone called them crazy and too young to know what love's about... on asked how...

Be a best friend
tell the truth
overuse i love you
go to work
do your best
don't outsmart your common sense
don't let your prayin knees get lazy
and love like crazy

HA! Found the link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0f5g18EbG4

There's also the stat that shows highschool sweethearts who marry (rare) tend to also have one of the lowest divorce rates / longest marriages.

Out of curiosity was your mom on the freak out wagon when you were pregnant? (aka just how your mom deals with stress) Or, conversely, was she supporting you and everyone ELSE was freaking out (aka payback?)

Just redirect all calls to your mother. I could have some opinions on the actual situation your cousin is in, but I'll hold my tongue on that for now. The engagement and eventual wedding is not your mother's business, nor is it her right to create drama surrounding it. She's going to end up turning a wonderful time of excitement for your cousin into a stressful nightmare where she needs to do damage control. And your mother, in the end, might be shocked when she doesn't even get a wedding invitation.

I'm guessing that when your relatives call, they're expecting you to put your mother in her place? I have to say that in your position, I would support your cousin by telling your mother that she needs to back off and if she can't say something nice publicly aka beyond being between you and her, then she shouldn't say anything at all. Don't do it in an e-mail but do it face to face if you live close by.

I'd simply send an email to the bride-to-be's mother saying congratulations on XX's engagement, and that you're really happy for her. And make sure you cc your mother and other primary relatives on the email (i.e., the ones who would call you or spread the word that you're okay with it). Hopefully, that will stop the majority of the comments/calls. Ignore the rest.

You can only control your actions not your Mom's. I am sure your family already knows how your Mom is so probably your best bet is to stay out of it unless someone says something then you could just say I am not my Mom and her opinions are just that her opinions.
Just for the record I got married when I was 18 we started going out/seeing each other when I was 14 (if you call going to the drive-in and to cedar point going out) so we dated for 4 years. I was very ready to get married.

Hi, R.:

Sounds like your mom needs alot of attention these days. If someone calls you about what your mom said: Tell them to call her. If not, gossip will run rampant.

You don't have to spend any time worrying about what someone else thinks or says about the 18 year old cousin. I think young love needs encouragement and when the adjustment starts, then be ready to let them solve their on conflicts.
Good luck.
D.

What do you do? Nothing. I would ignore your mom and any family members calls. Its your FAMILY, so I *assume* they all know what a wacko your mom is and probably would be surprised if she DIDN'T freak out, and in turn they should know your cousin has been with him for 4 years and is responsible and leave it at that. Just my opinion. I can't deal with drama and tend to ignore it. And if it truly gets that bad where she is stirring up drama, then ya, send out a mass email and say "mom is freaking out again about cousin but just to let you all know, I'm happy for her, she is young, yes, but responsible and has been with him for 4 years and I think they will have a happy future together. I don't want to hear from anyone unless its something good to say. See you at the wedding." =)

Well, maybe she is too young, but at that age, just because they are engaged doesn't mean they are getting married immediately. I remember being that age and if you would have asked me, I was going to marry my then boyfriend, too. But after HS graduation, everyone kind of goes their separate ways and things change. Anyway, You can't control what your mom does, but you might want to just talk to your cousin and let her know you support her in whatever she wants to do and make sure she knows that you don't condone what your mom is doing. And as for the rest of the family, don't get involved.

My mom is nuts too!!!!!!!!!!!! But usually the only one she goes off on is me about others and it's frustrating! If anyone else calls you just appolagise to them and let them know how happy you are for them the couple!

Good luck and God Bless!

Do what you think is right. Don't send out an email b/c you never know how things are "read". No one needs to defend their actions here (except maybe your mom) and remember that your family knows you mom is nuts!

If you support the marriage, then do so with your presence. Attend the shower (I would offer to co-host it), attend the wedding and help her in any way you can.

Your mom will likely hop onto another bandwagon soon enough... at least she's over your wedding details and has moved onto someone else's! :)

Sorry - but it IS too young. So I would stay out of it.

why is it your mom's business? She's your cousin, not your sister. If your Aunt and Uncle are fine with it, that's all that matters. Even if they aren't she's 18. She's an adult and can legally make her own choices.

Encourage your cousin to get some college level learning - a 2yr Associates or a full 4y degree before getting married, but in the end, its her life and her decision.

If she does marry earlier than your mom feels is appropriate, is your mom going to boycott her from every family event from now on?

I wouldn't say a negative thing about it to anyone if I were you. Say that you are happy for her and leave it at that. If you say anything negative or even remotely agree with your mother, you could end up in a beef with your cousin. Just let mama dwell in her drama:)

Ignore your mother and ignore the relatives. I think that is the best method for dealing with drama.

To make you feel better recently my husband's 18 year old cousin (must be in the air) became engaged and then married very quickly. Everyone despises her now husband and was up in arms over the engagement so the wedding was a disaster from the word go. Admittedly the groom/husband is a half grown boy posturing as a man so there isn't much to like or admire. However, they are adults and as a family it is our job to be supportive and loving. There is a time for commentary and then there comes the time for support. My MIL apparently disagrees with me so she went to the courthouse wedding and acted like an -ss. With another cousin between my MIL and the groom's parents, my MIL proceeds to start mouthing off. Keep in mind the judge, the baliffs, the soon to be married couple and most sides of both family can hear my MIL. In a very loud stage whispers she tells the cousin next to her the bride would so much more beautiful if it wasn't for the groom. What proceeds is Jerry Springer fodder at full Spanish volume. My MIL and the groom's mother enchange words which include things like so and so is ugly and it's all your fault because you birthed him and maybe we should take this to the parking lot to sort it out like real women. My husband said it would have been funny if it was a movie. In real life it was shameful, embarrassing and painful. Now you can imagine his cousin and her husband are no longer talking to anyone on my husband's side of the family. On so many levels what a disgrace because someone can't be nice, polite and normal. My MIL still swears she was in the right by the way and the groom's mother started it all. Crazy woman.

so many things worth freaking out over, i just can't see it here. i go with 'support your cousin and ignore everyone else.' this should be a happy time for her, and it will be nice for her to have someone in her corner. maybe both of you can focus on defusing teh crazieeees by a) not feeding into it (ie not allowing it to be come confrontational) and b) by being cheerfully relaxed and happy about it all.
khairete
S.

I would defend your cousin, especially if you know her fiancee and he seems like a great guy. Marriage is hard enough without having people on either side of the family against it! I have a cousin or two who's parents don't like the men they chose to marry, and one of those men used that as an excuse to cheat. His attitude was, since everyone thinks I'm not good enough for her no matter what I do, why bother trying? It's no excuse for cheating, but it just doesn't help matters. I hope they make it. Sounds like she needs all the help she can get. So take her side, even if it offends your mom. Hopefully your mom will eventually listen to you and come to accept it.

Honestly, I would just ignore your mom on this. Tell her, "Sorry, I'm busy with my own life, and I don't think I can help constructively here." The more you respond, the more drama there'll be.

I also just had to share -- your post immediately made me think of my own cousin, who got married at, I forget, 19 or 20 I think. Seven years later she's now divorced and is happier and more confident than she ever was. My own parents got married at 21 and 23, respectively. They were divorced within a decade, and it's a good thing too. I know that's an absurdly limited sample, and I can think of counterexamples (my former college roommate is incredibly happily married to a guy she met at 19 and married at 22 or so, my grandparents got married in college and had the happiest marriage I can imagine), but, honestly, 18 IS really young.

I say support her! And everyone else needs to stop freaking out. Wouldnt it be nice if everyone kept their negative opinions to themself? I got married at 16, yes 16! For me it was the best thing. My parents were not against it at all! I know it sounds crazy, right? Well I can happily say that we will be going on 14 years this August and with three beautiful children. I finished high school and went to college. I am happy for your cousin and wish her nothing but the best. Which is better? She runs off with the guy and the family never hears from her or they support her? With all do respect to your mother and family, your mother will always be your mother, just listen and let her vent out whatever it is she has to say, for the other relatives, they just need to support her decision. I wouldnt even waste your time in sending out an email, their thoughts are already engraved in their heads so there isnt much you can say or do. It's a sad situation to be in and im sure that this stress is taking a toll on your cousin as well, she should be happy and excited, shes an adult! Well, I hope my response was helpful! Have a wonderful day!