17 Going on 18

I think guys have to be 21 to get in. At any rate he will go whenever and however he can. Maybe you know someone close to his age that is a little more familar with the club scence to "hang" with him. Don't go all "mother like" on him he will tune you out. You will just have to trust that you have done the best you can to prepare him.

Hi Sue,
I know what you're going through. My sister is 21 and drove to DC a few nights ago. My mom was a wreck! I'm not familiar with the club H2O is DC. Perhaps you could go too? Not to hang out with him, but to be in a different part of the club, or another activity or dinner in DC in the area, and you just meet up at a certain time to drive him home? Its a compromise to think about, and if you don't overstep the 'cool' factor, he'll probably be okay with it. Especially since he doesn't drive.
M.

HI Sue

I told me son who turned 18 while in 12th grade that the only thing really different for him as long as he depended upon me for just about everything WAS he could now get arrested and charged as an adult. No judge would appreciate or even care if mommy came into court crying for her "little boy" for he would be an adult in the eyes of a broken law. Did it help? I don't know for sure but he did manage to keep out of trouble...as far as I know. It's difficult, I understand having been there. One minute he is your little boy and the next "You can't tell me what to do... I am 18." I said many prayers...and still do!~K.

Hi Sue,
Well, I have been through this situation. I have 3 sons (22, 17 and going to be 18 in October, and 14). My oldest went to H2O in Ocean City when he was 15 - I was naive and actually thought that this was an O.K. idea. Well, he and his friends were HORRIFIED. You are right - it is a meat market and full of really sleazy girls and sketchy guys. My son and his friends stayed for about 5 minutes and left. I would bet that the one in D.C. is worse. I haven't had to deal with this issue with the 17 year old - he remembers his older brother's experience and has no desire to go there. All this being said, you are right in that you have to let go a bit and let them experience things for themselves. I let go maybe too much with my oldest, but he has a good head on his shoulders and has turned into a responsible young man....although he had his issues with partying, etc. in high school and the first year or so of college. So, I think you need to let him go to a point - I think that I would have a real problem with H2O in D.C. though. I would talk to the parents of his friends - I would bet that they aren't too thrilled about their kid going there either. Maybe compromise and let him go to some venue that isn't in the city?? Hang in there - you will get through it :o)

Before you get into an argument unnecessarily, call the club. Usually the clubs in DC don't let kids under 21 in. The number to H20 is ###-###-####. They may say no for you. I agree with the advice the others gave you. I want to give you a few cautions though...He is at least talking to you about it, which is good. If you express your concerns (cite the recent shooting AT h20) but keep the communication without giving the message that you would NEVER let him go, you will get a better response. At some point, he will hit the age where he can go. At that age the forbidden fruit is a powerful attraction, particularly when they are trying to establish their own identity.

I feel your pain. I would not want to be in your shoes and hope not to be. I cant imagine my kid going "clubbing". Even tho I did it...shhh. Um, well you can always use the line: as long as you live under my roof you'll abide by my rules. And forbid him to go. I understand he will find a way somehow. I mean how do you guide your child into picking different kinds of friends, friends that dont go clubbing or drink or have sex??? I would love to know.
Now what part of DC is H2O in? I grew up in Fairfax and we went clubbing every weekend, but mainly to just one place. And it was perfectly safe. I never once felt unsafe. I was also over 21 too, and very responsible.
I hope you can work something out to keep him safe.

Hi, I suggest you trust in your belief system, and the tools that you have provided for him. He is the oldest, what choices he makes does and will effect the rest of the family. Encourage good choices, and make sure he understands the consequense of poor choices. Meet his friends, let them know what you expect of their behavior, and encourage them to "keep each others back"...Learn the lingo.. Clubs are a great way to "hang out" with people thier age, dance and have fun. All clubs are the same...no matter what age. Trust him to get through this learning period. Make sure he understands about alcohol and the legalities..Let him know you will not do bail, and to make good choices, and most important...that you love him.

Hi Sue,
Boy I have been in your shoes and I know exactly how you feel. It is so hard having your children to Grow Up. However, once they have reached what they think is that grown up age, we have to learn to let go and let God. If you have raised him with good morals and values, then the rest is up to God's will and of course constant prayers. This is really hard, being that we are human and most of all we are MOMS, but this is when we have to turn to our FAITH and BE STRONG. God always provides for what is needed. This includes what is best for your children when you come to a situation in which you don't know which way to turn. I have 2 boys (31 and 24) and 1 daughter (22). Them growing up and turning loose was the hardest part of my life. But over the years I have learned that God takes care of all those who believes in him and trust him completely. Were there downfalls, of course, because our children must learn from their mistakes and grow from them. Just let your son know how much you love him and trust him to make wise decisions and most of all that you are always there for him. You are his parent and it is best that the 2 of you talk and come up with concerns and that final decision. But before you talk, pray and ask for the guidance that is needed. I will pray for you and your son in making the right decisions.
C. B.

So your son is fixin to turn 18??? Congrats. but remember he is YOUR SON..thus YOUR responsibility Do you love your son enough to tell him NO????????????????? You hit the nail on the head about the clubs :):):)We have 11 children, all grown & gone but 2, sad to say, letting go don't get no easier.

James & Jaylene

Sue, I don't miss those days but understand you frustration. There are a couple different things to think about here. First of all reminding your son that just because he is turning 18, doesn't mean that he has all the legal rights away from his parents he may think he does. Because he is still in high school even though he is going to be 18, the courts/law will still look at him as a minor when it comes to parental control. If he doesn't like you and your husbands decisions and rules, you can always throw out the tuff love and tell him that at any point he is free to pack his bags and leave, but he must remember that he won't have a roof over his head provided by you, food in his mouth, insurance if anything should happen to him or transportation from you when he needs it. He of course will think that he will be fine as far as transportation goes because he has friends that drive. News for you buddy, they get tired of being a taxi service. My son never got his driver's license while in high school because he chose not to meet the grade requirements we had set out for getting it, which were only that he have all C's and above on his report cards so that we would get the "Good Student" discount on our insurance. If he had been one who struggled in school or with a certain subject, it may have been different. He is a brilliant person, just extremely lazy when it came to doing homework so he would cancel out all his 95-100% test and quiz grades with zeros on his homework. Anyway, he thought he was invincible and we stuck to it. There were plenty of times he wanted to go places that he thought we would just jump right up and take him and boy was he sadly mistaken when we would tell him we weren't but if he found a ride, we expected him home by 11 pm. Our County has curfew laws and that was always a wonderful thing. Have you talked with any of the other parents of these kids your son does hang out with to get their feelings on them going to H2O? If more than one child's parents are reserved about them going, it may be an easier road to go down also. Maybe collectively a group of parents can come up with options and/or ideas on how to handle letting them go to a club if needed. Give your son some opportunities now to show his responsibility with following your rules and regulations and see if he can pass. Over the summer when they aren't in school will probably give you multiple options to test him on. You and your husband both work, so there is no way for you to monitor him 24/7 unfortunately. Nor do you want to have too. It is very hard and scary to let them go and do a lot of things now days with the crime as it is but if you don't give them the chance, it may backfire on you and then they sneak and lie.

Hi sue
I feel the pain you are going through. I am in the same boat. My daughter is going to be 18 in july. We have gone through this already and she is a junior as well. We had a long talk about turning 18. The rules at my house go like this. When u turn 18 your under my roof and its my rules. You will still have a curfue and there will be no clubs as long as ur under my roof. I told her if you dont like the rules she can move out and support her self. She has a car and drives and has a weekend job. If she dont like these rules she can move out and do what ever she wants on her own and loose the car and us paying the insurance and car payments its in our name as well as pay her way in life and loose us paying for everything. She will be able to go out and do things she wants to do but when i find out she is in night clubs that are dangerous it will end or she will be told to get out. She will still have to be home be 1130 on school nites and midnight on weekeds. She has agreed to this plus she is getting a brand new car for graduation that we will pay for. She knows the losses that will come her way. Being 18 does make them legally an adult but not mentally. ask him how he would survive if he was told to get out. I know it sounds rough to do this but its not a buttercoated world and they need to realize that. Sometimes you might have to do it for a month or so after they turn 18 to make them wake up. I know i sound cruel but if there going to make it in the real world we got to make them wake up

Little about me

Mom of 1 going on 18 navy wife 37 and sister to a mom of 4 who all dropped out of school and has 1 to 2 kids each and cant make it on their own seen it all and will not let my daughter go down that road. Good luck

Hi Sue,

I would say that, not having been to H20, but knowing what it's about that you shouldn't worry too much. I know it's a meat market, and it's not really my scene (yes, I'm a 42-y.o. clubber myself), but that club is not deep in the ghetto, if you know what I mean, and I don't remember hearing about any shootings there. Not that that couldn't have happened, but I know people that go there that love the place, and they are mature people.

I know it's hard to imagine your baby out there on his own, but if you just try to talk with your son and keep the lines of communication open, things will go a lot better for the both of you then if you try to keep him from doing everything his friends are doing (esp. at age 18). Aside from the CP complication, as long as you know who he's hanging out with and trust his choice of friends, you should be able to trust that they will look out for each other.

Let your son know that it's alright to call you if there's any problem--even if it's 3 AM. It's better to know your child needs help and to be there for him than to have him seeking help from strangers, bec. he's worried about upsetting you. Believe me, I've put my parents through a lot of stuff, and we are still very tight, bec. they know who I am as a person and know that I can handle myself in all kinds of situations.

Of course, I did totally rebel at age 16 and left my control freak mom to go live with my dad (yes, I walked three miles barefoot at 11 PM--of course, it was summer), but I was stubborn, and my mother tried to restrict my every move. Things are better between us now, but if our relationship was different, I would have responded to her better. Hopefully, things are different at your house.

I do recommend the movie "College Road Trip" that's out now, with Martin Lawrence and Raven Simone. It's pretty funny. Maybe you could see it with your son and have a talk afterward.

Good luck with your situation. Hope it all works out.

Hi Sue!
My son is 19 almost 20. I went through the same thing. If you raised him right he'll figure it out. My one big thing was/still is if the person is a new driver, he can't ride with them. He has friends that are 25, 26 & more experienced drivers, so I let him ride with them. If worse comes to worse, you could drop your son off & pick him up (I know, a little embarassing for him but piece of mind for you). Just park down the street & wait. But at the end of the day, he's going to be a little older, hopefully a little wiser (but still your baby). My son actually went to a party & drank for the first time, had a hangover & said that's it, yuck (one for mom!!). If you trust your son & the kids he hangs with, you have to give him a chance.

Good luck!!

Hi Sue,

This is just my opinion, but I think you should let your son do SOME of the things he believes he's ready for, although you disagree. (You determine with him what "SOME" entails).

You say he's not driving but don't explain why. (You needn't, of course). But if you don't let him drive while he's this age and you can guide him as he learns, he's going to get his license at 18 and you'll have less influence on him. He also won't be obligated to the learning-curve restrictions (I think) such as no driving with other teenagers after dark, etc. These rules are there to allow a child to get experience while they're younger and under the control of an adult.

This is the same idea with everything else he wants to experience. I'm not suggesting you let him go clubbing, hence the "SOME" I mentioned. But consider loosening those apron strings and let him "live" while you still have some say, otherwise he might go wild when he gets his first taste of freedom.

No, I don't feel you've given the impression that the boy can do absolutely nothing but homework while he lives with you, but he's 17 and it sounds like he might feel that way. : ) Don't they all? ; )

Please send an update!!

D.

Hello!

Well...as I was always told....he is your son, and student living in your home with your rules. Tell him no if this is how you feel!
In all honesty, the clubs are meat markets...you can have a good time there...but yes meat markets to boot!
Bottom line, you are his parent regardless of his age...he is still living at home, going to school and needs to respect the rules of the house.
Hope this helps!

Hi Sue, nothing works better than a mother's intuition and it sounds like you should listen to your gut instinct. If you feel your son isn't mature enough for this situation or the friends that he is going with are on the reckless side even verbally, then tell him you'd feel better if he waited for another time to see how his friends liked the place and to describe the atmospher.
Secondly, my feelings are that as long as the "child" lives under my roof, my rules go. My 24, 21 and 17 year olds all fully understand that. (the 23 and 19 yr olds couldn't comply) But kids need to remember that parents are trying to keep them safe the best they feel they can.
Finally, I think you're absolutely correct about DC. The place isn't deemed "crime capital" for nothing. My hubby works right outside of it and that's bad enough but to there's no reason teens need to go there (IMO)clubbing when clearly S. MD or N. VA have their own night spots to patron to. And remind him of the curfues for his age too.
Kids seem to think they have this unlimited freedom just because they turn 18 and that's not true. Their "freedom" comes in the form of responsibility, and living independently and doing all the daily stuff of mom and dad. Until they reach that point, their still a kid who just happens to be 18. Good luck.

H2O really isnt that bad...DC itself isnt that bad...people advertise the negative and not the positive things...bad things happen everywhere, but people go to H20 every weekend and leave out safe and sound....I have even been before....youd much rather him go with your permission than without :)

Hi Sue,

If anything encourage him to other things than going to the club. If he is that interested in going to the club then him do the research because they do have a website. However, I understand your concern about him possibly being shot or encountering some other sort of chaos. Since you have these reservations then let him know how feel and perhaps he may change his mind.

Unfortunately, 18 is the age that everyone feels as if they are grown and ready to take on the world. In my opinion, some 18 year olds are still not responsible enough to deal with the things that they have to deal with anyway. But you can make him more responsible by continuing to discuss his decisions with him and asking him why he wants to do certain things.

Hi Sue,

My advice would be to let him go, but be sure you are ok with whomever is driving and reiterate about drinking and driving and being careful. Set a time for return and hope for the best. It is great if he shares his whereabouts with you so you still have some control. Let him know that if H20 has any bad publicity you would have concerns for future outings to their establishment. Let him know going out dancing should be fun, but now a days you must be careful, even when you are having fun.

A little about me;

I have a daughter 34 and went through her growing pains. I also have a son 8 years old (change of life baby). I found the more I said I didn't like something, that is what she would do or go for. But if I said it was OK, she decided the opposite. It is mostly using psychology and common sense.

My daughter is about to turn 19, so I have much empathy for you in this situation...been there, done that!! I know this probably does not sound like your dream night out with your hubby, but maybe offer to drive his "crew" for their first outing to a club in DC and go for a nice dinner in DC?? Or make it a condition of him being allowed to go? If the first night out goes well, let him try going by Metro. Just make sure he is VERY familiar with what time the trains stop running...it's different at each station. My darling daughter learned this the hard way and we got a phone call at midnight and had to drive from Olney into DC to pick her and her friends up! Whoever said that raising teenagers is like trying to nail jello to a tree had it right!

I also have a 17 year old son and have decided that he will not be going to any clubs anywhere with my consent. You said it right. They are meat markets. They were when we went and are even more now. We are very candid with our son in sharing our failures and the things we wished we hadn't done including wasting time and money at the clubs, drinking, premarital sex, etc. Yes, those things are fun for the moment but in the long run, they don't fulfill and often bring lots of heartache and confusion. Our task is in helping them to discover their purpose, teaching them the value of their time and surrounding them with worthwhile people and activities. We got our son into karate and a youth group at church and just continue to keep the dialogue open. My husband has also started to include our son in his daily devotions so they can talk man to man on a dialy basis. That's what we're doing and it's working. I've also emphasized that 18 just makes him a "legal" adult but he's not grown until he can can drop the "gr". Until, he's on his "own", he can not do whatever he wants in our house--not on our watch or on our dime. I think dad has to really step up with a soon to be "adult" male. I'll keep you my prayers.

We have an 18 yr old senior and are feeling some of this. Yes, he's 18, but that doesn't mean he gets a blank slate. We still own his car, we still pay for his roof, food, etc. Try discussing with him his reasons for going, your expectations for him as an 18 yr old under your roof, his safety plan, etc. We are more lienent with many things now, but we still expect to be called when he's arrived at a far destination, told when he's out somewhere when we'd otherwise expect him home, etc. My husband explained it as being a technical adult vs a full-fledged adult. We have always said that rules are based on maturity and responsibility not just age. His sister didn't get to come home by herself after school at the same age he did because she wasn't as mature as he was. That sort of thing. We also reminded him that he'll be on his own in college soon enough, but while under our roof, we expect these things. I did the same when I was in college and visiting home. I didn't have a curfew per se, but my mom wanted everyone in the house by 2AM so I obliged or I stayed elsewhere. It's a matter of respect for your parents, not bullying them because you're 18 now and think you can do what you want.

Sue, I am sure you did your job as a parent! You have raised him right. He knows right from wrong. He is going to explore and experiment (as we did when we were 18+) but we do eventually come back around to the teaching of our family.

There is drama everywhere. However your son knows when to "bounce." I am sure he's not like some of these knuckle heads out here with no home training.

I am a thirty-something mum. My girlfriends and I occassionally still go out to shake our rump. And H20 is one of those places. It's heavy on security. And if the bouncers think somethings about to "pop-off" they will kick the aggrivator out of the club. They don't mess around with the security at those southwest waterfront clubs.

I know he's still your baby. And you want to love and protect him always. However, at some point, we have to let go and let God. I struggle with the same thing every day wtih mine. So I can relate.

Mama you need to break the lease....he will be 18 soon and it will hurt worse if he starts to rebel at 18 and leaves because legally he can, because you aren't giving the freedom he should have now. Doesn't matter what grade of school he is in...in his mind he is almost an adult. If there are issues why you don't trust him or his friends that is one thing...but to not let him go just because you want to keep him close is not good for either of you.

The answer you never know! I have a 19yold girl, a 17yold girl and a 13yold son. When my 19 year old daughter went to college this fall, my biggest worry was did I prepare her for life, did I do my job? All I mean ALL teens say that I can't wait till I'm 18 thing! I also kid with mine and say ok when you are 18 you can get a lottery ticket , vote, and smoke! Well you don't smoke or gamble so you are limited! They just say MOM! But seriously, by this age you have given them and modeled your families morals and values, so we have to TRUST, that they will make the best choices they can, and believe me thats the hardest! They will make mistakes thats how they learn. I always tell my teen if they are at a party, bar, etc.. and they feel like they can't drive home, or they don't feel comfortable that their friends can drive to call me! We will discuss it the next morning, no yelling or embrassing the night! Then the next morning remind them of how proud you are they called and then talk about the choices they made and how the situation could have gone if they had not called. I TRY to be realsitic when I talk with my teens, I don't always like what they tell me and I tell them,but they are talking!!
We are all in this together!!!! "Raising Teens is like trying to nail jello to a tree" HA! HA!

Hi Sue,
I have two daughters who will be 15 and 17 this summer. They are awesome. Straight A's and hang out with non-drinkers. I don't know how I got so lucky. They have earned a lot of freedom. They know the answer to most requests to go places will be yes. But going to DC is another story. That wouldn't get a yes from me unless I had a whole lot of info, and I still doubt it would get a yes if they were still in high school at 18.
Since he will just be a junior next year, who is he planning to go with? His classmates aren't old enough. Do the kids he's going with drink? Trust yourself on this, you know who the drinkers are and aren't. He's told you at some point.
If he is in high school he should hang out with high school kids. When he is out of high school he can do older stuff.
The bottom line is that you know your son and what he is mature enough for. I'm guessing there are reasons he is only a junior and doesn't have his license at 17 1/2.
But, if he convinces you it is safe and appropriate, then build in some controls for the situation and put your trust in him. They really don't want to lose your trust, especially if they know trust equals more freedom.
Good Luck,
Patty