16Yr Old Stepson Refuses to Do School Work; Dad Is Lienient; Stepmom FRUSTRATED.

C.,
I feel your frustration. My two boys are 5 & 7. They are addicted to violent video games that their dad plays. Our youngest was becoming a monster. I finally had to put my foot down. I told my husband what we were going to do and set rules. He had NO choice. All of our children's games went away, including their Nintendo DS's. Our oldest has had a difficult time with this since he used to play his DS on the school bus, which all of his friends do. I set our boys to 2 hrs of TV/Video games per day combined. Once the time is up, everything goes off and they have to find something else to do. It was difficult with our youngest and for me since he screamed, called me an ass hole and stupid mommy for days. Then all of a sudden, things changed. They don't like the time limit, but they have both become more respectful boys.
I know this will be difficult with an older child, but If you can get his dad on the band wagon, things may work out. While he is in your house, he should have to abide by your rules and show respect as far as TV/Game exposure. As far as the homework, he should be responsible for that himself. You shouldn't have to police him. If he's not doing it then that is his problem. He will have to endure the consequences of his actions.
I know you want to help, but sometimes you can't. Being a stepmom, there is only so much you can do because of boundaries. I feel that the games are the root cause of his agressiveness and other problems. His father needs to wake up, be a man and deal with his son. He needs to stop treating his son like an innocent child who says sorry and a big hug makes everything better. Your husband has a problem and needs help.
Get your husband help to get him out of denyal so that he can help his son.
Limit the TV/Games for a while and see if that helps. It is your home too, and you deserve peace of mind and safety.
Good luck.

Quite honestly without serious intervention, discipline, probably medication (if he is ADHD), and most definitely w/o his Dad stepping in setting limits and boundaries there won't be a lot you can do. That is the reality of the situation.
His Dad clearly doesn't understand the responsibilities of being a parent or the seriousness of the situation and this is demonstrated by the lack of action towards his well-being or his future. That is demonstrated by his un-willingness to see what he is doing to his son, by allowing him to play violent video games, and by not getting help when a trained professional told him his son was heading down the trail to being a sociopath.
What's worse is that the school system will just flunk him or expel him - but do nothing to help him.
They both need counseling.
I find it
The only thing YOU can do is be there for him when the time comes.

I'm sorry if this comes across as harsh - but your husband is blessed with a two parent family and a healthy son and he's destroying it with his lack of participation, invervention, and by evading his responsibility as a father.

As frustrated as you are, you need to remember that the outcome of this child is not your responsibility. As much as it seems like it is, his father has obviously chosen to respond in the way he is. I wonder if maybe dad feels responsible for pain in his son's life because of the divorce, and therefore doesn't want to be the "bad guy," by putting his foot down. It seems like the moms in his life see the reality of the situation but hands are tied because of dad. I certainly don't envy your situation! I would talk with your husband in private and in a non-emotional, non-confrontational way, express yourself and how you see this going down, like jail. Good luck!

I have a 15 year old son with ADHD who also is incredibly disorganized and still questions authority. So I started this very simple plan. Each night before he goes to bed, he has to show me his planner and the corresponding homework. When he does, I give him one dollar. Over the course of the month this adds up to $20. I add $10 for the chores he does around the house (lawn mowing and taking out the garbage mostly). Anyway, this simple dollar a day has helped tremendously. I no longer have to nag. I just start asking around 8:30 at night to see his planner and homework. He then always asks for more time but in the end shows it to me to earn his $1.

Additionally, is your stepson taking ADHD medication? If so, is it lasting through the evening homework hours? If not, you might want to consider adding a 4 hour Ritalin in the afternoon to help him concentrate and be able to finish his homework. It may be that in the evening his medication has worn off making homework too challenging.

Remember that ADHD is caused by a lack of dopamine in the brain. It is a physical condition that he has no control over. He cannot fix it by will power alone. Make sure he has the medication to control his condition.

My 13 year old has to earn his right to video games. He just lost that right totally and I have had him gather EVERYTHING game related together and pack it up. Its going away. He gets to deal with the peer pressure from the situation from his step sisters and my youngest son. He lost them for everyone with his bad behavior. when he is gone at school, And yes it will probably be world war 3, take the games and donate or sell them. If he is stealing use the money to pay fines or what ever. If your husband wont support you then some drastic steps need to be taken. What those are are up to you. I can be tough on my kids sometimes but I am also told all f the time by teachers, dr's and friends that I have really good kids and people like them to be around. I am sure you know this from your own children. If you are expected to love your step son as your own then remind your husband discipline is part of loving a child. he is just spoiling him. Hopefully its not too late.

We too have a boy that is 16 and suffers from severe ADHD and depression...they are holding off diagnosing him as bi-polar but are treating him with Abilify. Theyearbetween his 12 + 14 years were very hard. Rages and out bursts, calling everyone names...especially if he was told no. We finally have taken him to a behavioral counselor and a psychiatrist that work together as a team. After several combination tries of different medications they started looking atthe depression more than anything.They put him on zoloft and Abilify and took the Adderall away. He has been great...but we will see how he is going to do without the Adderall. It did show us that he was depressed though.
Onething that we had tolearn was a different wayto discipline and talk to him. It is true that these children do not respond to reward chart or severe punishmentto correct the behavior. But they do have to have very structured atmosphere. we have to tell mac...homework WILL be done and then you can go fishing ...which he loves and wants to doit all the time. They are very forgetful and totally disorganized. Mac is a sophomore in high school andI still have to go through his backpack and organize his schoolwork.But mac works with me. He is on a 504 planat school which means he stays in the mainstreambut is given tests different and teachers accept late work at full credit. Mac is very smart and is a fantastic basketball player making the high school varsity team as a freshman and lettering his freshman year. I had to understand how a kidcould learn and concentrate on something calm like fishing but be so hyper atevery other thingin his life. It is the best thing for him though.Mac has to be in a very disciplined and structured atmosphere with knowing what is going to happen way ahead of time. we made a contract and we all signed it.If grades do not stay up...there is no fishing on school night. He has a regular time to get up and a regular bedtime...he has a cell phone that is off at night at nine and to bed by 9:30.
Ifhe does notget upinthemorning and catch the bus he does nothing after school at night ...like see his girlfriend.
Mac did go into a rage one time and I called the cops on him...the best thing we ever did. He was just starting to tell us what he was going to do.....we had to show him who was in control. The police officer came and escorted him to the hospitalwherewe had him evaluated and explained tohim that we do have a course of action to follow. He couldtake him to a place where they would monitor him for 72 hours....and he would be confined. since thatday forwardwe have not had a bit of trouble with him...just normal teenage stuff....
I think that Mac really needed the security of us taking the control...it makes him feel secure. I can tell you that you have to come to some agreement and work together or nothing will work. He is manipulating Dad to get his way and in the process is getting very harmed. He needs that authority figure to feel secure.
There is a very good book that is used for a manual for the doctor's that I highly recommend to you. The book is "The Explosive Child, by Ross W. Greene, Ph.D. and anotherone called "Teaching The ADHD Teen...A guide To Parent's and Teachers".....these are both such informative books. something has to be done in your situation or he is going to be totally out of control in another couple of years.
Please consider goingin to a family counselor to get some tools to HELP HIM. I am not going to tell you that it is easy to learn...is he on any medication...if heis..it is NOT WORKING and it is the wrong combination. It has taken us two years to find Mac's right combination and we may still have to add the Adderal back...but it is looking hopeful not......this is a lifelong commitment to teach them to deal with their disorder.It does not get any better when they get older and it does not go away. He has to be taught to live and understand himself.He will be so happy when he does.
Mac is so content now and patient and he alwayswas the kindest kid you willevermeet but there were times when he would just get tothe place where he had no control and at the time was wishing that he did but could notbringhimself down.You haveto feelsorry for them...they are miserable andwhen you caterto them they just become more angry and miserable. They are crying out for someone to take control and guide them.
I hope that some of this helps and if you want to talk please do....I am here for you. This is the hardest thing you will ever do...Hugs L.

Dear Cindy:
I am sorry for your troubles. It is hard enough to deal with ADHD without a parent in denial. If it were me I would TRY to sit down with Dad with out the accusation, (Regardless of the reality of them) and have a planning meeting to help this young man succeed. Okay, he is not getting his homework done, What can we do to help him. What will be the consequences if he does not comply or succeed? What kinds of rewards will there be for his success. You need a PLAN, but with both husband and wife putting it together. I would leave the label of ADHD out of it, as you will then become the one with the problem. Show only your concern for the boy's well being. You know that your stepson has a problem, but with Dad in denial you will go nowhere by putting labels on the boy. You might find a return and report process helpful with your Husband.

I really believe there needs to be some counseling, but good luck with that one. Maybe you could approach it that you need the help with understanding the boy. And you probably could use some insights to how this boy thought process works.

As far as the violent video games, those are not good for the normal child, let alone one with ADHD. Personally that is right down scary. I would find away to get rid of them. Those types of games have been known to be fatal to others. My husband just suggested doing what we did with the TV. And that is he cut off the TV plug and put a 30 amp plug back on it. And then he created a short extention cord to go between the 30 amp plug on the end of the TV cord and a regular plug to go into the outlet. (Word of caution, plug the extention cord into the TV and then to the wall). Then when I did not want the TV on the cord dissappeared. If you do not use a 30 amp plug then your stepson will just start cutting cords off other appliances to create his own extention cord for the TV. And then will continue doing what he has always done.

I was blessed with 6 ADD or ADHD children. I have been really blessed, but I have a supportive Husband. however he did not always believe in ADHD or ADD. I went to my children's doctor and got a picture of a normal brain and a ADD brain, there is a physical difference in brains. That is when I got my Husband on board with understanding that there was a real reason that our children struggled.

Our children were not allowed the hateful kinds of Video games. The amount of time they were allowed to play any video game was limited. We moved to a farm and thus our children had more chores than the city kids. I am a firm believer that children need responsibilities.

I wish you luck as I realize that these ideas may or may not work, depending on you ablitie to get your husband to with you as a team. Good Luck! Actually, Pray is a great way to get the best help there is.

N.

Dad needs to read the book "Bringing Up Boys" by Dr. James Dobson. Your stepson NEEDS (and sounds like he's "begging for") discipline/correction. You definitely need to do something soon. I'd start by removing the video games from his life. Dr. Dobson did a segment on the radio about video games and how dangerous they are for most kids (some more than others). I think it was on his "Focus On the Family" show. (See focusonthefamily.org) He had a couple on the show, talking about their experience with their kids. Their kids were addicted to video games, actually experiencing withdrawal when they were removed. The parents stuck it out though, and their kids are worlds better as a result. You're going to need to be incredibly strong about standing up to your hubby regarding this issue. It doesn't sound like it'll be easy.

Another thought...take a look at your stepson's diet. I found out almost a year ago that both my boys and I are gluten-intolerant. In addition to that, they're both allergic to several other foods, as am I. Since then, we have made LOTS of changes in our family's diet/cooking. The results have been amazing! (In my sons' general health and their behavior.) I've also done A LOT of research about food allergies, especially gluten intolerance. Many of the material I've found suggests that gluten intolerance can cause many health problems, including ADHD. Gluten can truly wreak havoc in some kids'/adults' bodies. Something to consider. A child's diet should never be overlooked.

You can't get them to listen to you, you can't make them even want to listen to you. What you can do is choose what you will allow in your house. You can say that there will be no video games in your house. You can sell the video game console more than one if necessary. Your hubby will not choose you over his son but this is America and he does not get to make you allow evil into your home to make his son happy.

If you think your stepson may hurt you in response to you defending your home, you may contact the police and inquire about your options. Understand that your husband will fight you when you actually start setting boundaries for your life. If you are ok with buckling under pressure, by all means stop these changes when weak people with a conflict of interest start to whine about it.
Let me know if there is anything else I can do to help,
-S.

Here is the best I can give you. There are no immediate solutions. I can read through the lines of the pain and frustration you are going through. I have experience some of the same with my 18 year old adopted son. Unfortunately you can not expect to have the same outcome or experiences as the boys you raised. I would suggest researching Fetal Alcohol Effect if there is any chance at all that either natural parents used drugs on alcohol before or during the pregnancy.

I would also suggest seeking out other parents who have raised ADHD children or Fetal Alcohol children. Even if he is not Fetal Alcohol their understanding and advice will be helpful.

There is a brain change and maturity when a person reaches the mid 20's. This could effect your family for the next 8 - 10 years. Look for ways to keep the communication open with your husband and ways to strengthen your marriage.

a liitle about my self: I am happily married for 25 years. I have 6 children 2 of them adopted. Some of my greatest life lessons have been learned through the raising of children.

Some schools offer Jrotc..Military academy for kids.. I highly recommend it.
Sorry you have such a defiant parent. It makes it harder when men act like this.
Now not to sound mean or anything but if you are worried about how he sits all day and play video games all day long. You as the parent has the option of removing that out of your home. But i warn you to give him activities such as soccer, baseball, taekwondo or such. You control his life and what he must do to become a good citizen. Not the other way around. It takes alot of LOVE but alot of tough love too. You may never know, you may just enjoy doing activities as watching him play these games OR taking him to the movies!

Good Luck

I have a step-son who is now 18,I use to worry about him as well. First, there have to be ground rules that you and his father have set down on how to handle your step-son(& don't do this with him around, if kids think there is a problem 1) it can make them insecure.2) At his age,& if he is defiant, he will take advantage of it)Second, while I do believe that too many video games are violent(& kids are allowed too much time on them), my step-son found them to be challenging(and faster paced than a traditional learning enviroment), we had trouble with his grades and lack of effort and interest in class. Does he live with you? Dad may not want to see his faults because he doesn't want that to ruin the time he has with him worring about the parent thing(a friend of mine had a simular situation, when her son used to live with her. She finally had enough & let the boy live with his father, his father found out fast that alot of the boys behavior wasn't do to living at his mother's house and the enviroment with in.) Is he still getting the profesional help he was getting before? Has he ever been abused? Does he have a crimminal record, and if he does, that hasn't made dad see the light? Do you feel you are in danger? These are questions that need to be addressed. Congrats, on you raising boys that are good people, some don't start that way but do come around. And others....As long as you do what you are supposed to( being a parent) then you will have a clear heart. There are alot of people who don't want to be "the parent" and want to be "the friend". It's nice, if we can be both, but not part of the job or a requirement. A ray of hope, my step-son is a good kid( he hasn't been in trouble), and a loving person. If your husband won't do his job, you should still do yours sooner or later this young person will have to take responsibility for his own actions. My husband works in law enforcement so we've made it clear, to our children(we have 1 child together), that every decision they make has an effect on their lives. But again we are united on our front. My heart goes out to you..Have you tried talking to the boy's mother? I'm not saying you have to be best friends( lord knows we are not), but we both love her son and want what is best for him. If the father isn't facing it maybe she will. Look at all of your options...what kind of relationship do your sons have with him? Maybe there might be another way to get a more proactive male figure in his life, with a more positive influence. Best of luck.

D. E.

Wow! Video games are a GREAT way to discipline a youngster. They misbehave, you take it away. However, since you are a stepmom, you can't really do anything. You have to let dad and his mom deal with his issues, because you aren't really his parent. This is a very difficult position for stepparents.

I would tell Dad, "You know what? I cannot have a relationship (at least an honest one) with someone who lies, cheats and steals. Unless you take an active interest in helping your son improve his behaviour, I wash my hands of it". There is no reason why you should be loving towards someone who doesn't respect you or anyone else. All you can do is back off and pray - A LOT!

This stand is very hard to take, because I'm sure that you care about this child. However, as stepmom - unfortunately, you are powerless. Any interference could cause even more resentment. Best thing, when the child acts up - walk away.

My ex attempted to discipline the children of the wife he married after me. They all ended up hating him, and he is now divorced (3rd time).

It sounds like dad needs the counseling. He isn't doing his son any favors. He will be a total mess of an adult if he doesn't get his guidance established, and a strong one too. I know you feel for this boy, it sounds like you know what can happen in the future. Some men just don't get it. They don't want to admit that anything is wrong with their child. My husband would respond to my worries with, "why are you always picking on him or trying to find something wrong with him"? I am only trying to be on top of the situations before something bad does happen. Women are the nurturers and worriers. The men sometimes don't understand that you have to form your children and teach them. It isn't instinctual for a child to just turn out the way he does as an adult. That's why we are called parents. I know you have a problem since you are the step mom, but try not to give up on him even if there is no help from his dad. If he see's you as a person who really cares about him, he will respect and maybe even start to listen to you. He is kind of old to start changing his behavior, so I think you need to get through to his dad what needs to happen. The school counselor will help with this. If he won't listen to you, maybe someone else can make him understand how important this is.

With out Dad on board It will be very difficult for you to effect any change. Is there a possibility you could get the police involved anoynomously (as it sounds as he is involved in illegal activity). This may give dad the reality check he needs. Better now then after he turn 18 and has to deal with permanent concequences.
My 16 yo had alot more motivation after I told him he is welcome to sit around the house and do my dishes for the rest of his life but he WILL put in 6 -8 hours of work just like everyone else. Wether it be at school, paying rent, or earning his keep. He, however, is not in any trouble just a bit lazy in the way I was at 16. His dad is completely onboard too and he has been with us long enough to accept my criticism. If you have no real relationship with him he will not accept your dicipline.
You could also try fosterparent resources in your area and see if they could offer advise and training. You will probably need an ongoing contact there as new issues crop up.

You are in a tough situation, especially as a stepmom. If you have never had much authority over your stepson, it will be next to impossible to establish any now, especially with your husband running interference for his son.

A hard-to-accept truth is that some people need to learn from negative consequences. They just won't "get it" any other way. This might be the case with your stepson, and possibly for his father, too. And even if that's true, as Theresa S. so wisely observed below, YOU can still work on yourself, even without cooperation from your family.

And you can learn new ways of listening to your stepson and your husband, and expressing your own needs. This is what I've learned about getting my needs met, using four steps of a system called Non-Violent Communication:

1. Acknowledge what feelings you hear from your stepson (or your husband). Learning to listen and allow the other person to be who they are is incredibly important. You might be surprised at how much this one practice can do to relax the tensions in your home. Let him know you hear what he feels and what he thinks he wants, without directly arguing with it.

2. Tell what you feel, what is most alive in you. This step is the trickiest, because it's so easy to jump out of our feelings (I'm afraid for you; I'm so confused about how to be a good mom to you) into blame or concepts (you MAKE me feel so bad; I'm afraid you are destroying your future, I don't get any respect in this family, etc.).

3. Express your needs clearly (just be sure they are needs, not blame or demands). This might be that he try to explain more clearly what he needs and why, so that you can understand him better, or that he make an effort to hear you with the same consideration he'd like from you. Whether this need is ever satisfied or not, you have a legitimate need to have a happy family life, just as he does.

4. Make a clear and achievable request. It's hard to guess what this might be in your family, but some examples might be: reviewing for a few minutes at dinner how he has made his life better that day; saying thank you when you do something that benefits him, like making a meal or doing his laundry; accepting a daily or weekly chore that he will do without reminding or complaint; telling you a new joke every day; cutting his weeknight video games down to X hours.

If you'd like more tips, here's a handy NVC process chart:
http://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/aboutnvc/4partproc...

And by all means, get counseling if this is at all possible for you. Go alone if you have to.

My best to you.

dad is lenient? sounds like a looooser who remarried just to have his laundry done for him. perhaps the STEPson is Bitter about the fact that his so called Dad is not being one.

Hi C.! Well you kind of answered your own question! Step-issues are very difficult under the best of circumstances, and it takes a united front, you don't have that. Your real issue is with your husband, and it may take something unpleasant for him to see. Your job is to stay out of harms way! Are your boys still at home? You have an obligation to yourself and your family to maintain a safe home. If it was me, and mind you I have real strong convictions, I would tell my husband that the boy will be sat down and told what is expected of him in your home, you have the right to certain expectations, and if your husband is in denial that bad, he is the one who needs therapy! This may be a knock down drag out, but if you are sure of his problem, than it is your place to get him help, through his father. You can make an appointment for the whole family and insist that he at least give it a try, for his son's future. If you can't get through to him, go to therapy anyway, you can get strength, and perspective, and keep your head healthy. I will be praying for you and your family, God Speed! R.

Unfortunately, this young man is NOT your son so it is really not your place to try to turn the situation around, HOWEVER,you do have the right to insist on a safe and healthy situation in your own home so if that child endangers you or flouts your rules by coming in at all hours or bringing around tough kids, you need to tell your DH that the situation is not acceptable for you to live in. If this child steals your stuff, destroys your property, etc. that IS your business.

Reality and "life lessons" will hit this boy hard if and when he has to get a job and support himself at age 18. Sadly, this situation has been brewing for years as his Dad has enabled the situation to continue. You have a right to bluntly ask your DH if this dysfunctional boy is going to have to leave at age 18 or are you stuck with this child and his behavior longer? You may also seriously question if you want to continue to live with this man and his son if the situation has no end in sight.

H.

First of all I feel for you I have a 16yr old step daughter in some what of the same situation she lives with her mom and step day who have been unable to encourage her and guide her so she has not passed a grade since 6th grade and has no work ethic what so ever. How ever I do have a good relationship with her what you need to do is offer encouragement sit down and talk to him ask what he wants to do when he grows up. And help him down that path I don't know where you are located but you may want to look into GED programs or youth reengagement programs at your local community college my step daughter has been accepted into a youth reengagement program at Everett community college and will be starting in a few weeks this program will allow her to get her diploma as well as her 2 year AA . I know its stressful but offer support that is what your step son needs it seems that he is not getting it any where else.

It is very hard as a step parent to get involved.. Dad is primary parent in your household and should be the one to take care of all parenting aspects until his son welcomes you as a parent.
BEST advise is for both you and your husband to go to an age appropriate (for teens) parenting class.
You will have more insight on the step parenting, nothing like parenting your own children.
good luck, D. A

That is a tough situation.
My first suggestion is to rent or bye the 2 DVD's, "What the Bleep Do We Know" and "the Secret" and get the family to view them, if possabel more than once.
If dad is not willing to be a man and deal with HIS SON, you have little options.
As I see it here they are:

Do nothing and stay out of the way.

When the young man acts out, if he is doing any of the mentioned things (lieing, stealing, destroying property, homework missing, truiency........) Call the approperate athorities (cops, school, friends, ect. and have them deal with him. Stealing and destroying property are a crime, have him arrested.

If your husband does not back you up and stand bye you, than why are you still there.
What would your husband do if this 16 year old attacked you or started throwing thing at you, what would he do??

As for the violent vidio games, it sounds like they have become a drug that the 16 year old is addicted to the high that it gives him. If he is that addicted it is not much of a strech to think that at some near point in time the child will loose the differance between the game and reality and that could be reall bab for any one that is near bye.

It sounds like a good Familly Councler is in order here. The young man probably needs theropy and it would not hurt Dad to do the same, and possably even you. This young man possably is heading for big trouble.

To me it sounds like a safety isue .. That needs to be acted on.
Good luck

Hello C.,I think you guys need counseling.. if your husband won't listen to you and your step son might be dealing with some kind of emotional problem and I think it might be lack of communication both ways. I hope and pray that you will get some kind of help and I hope counseling will work for you guys.. God bless! M.

Check out loveandlogic.com They have been a life saver.

Good luck

I know what you mean. I have a 15 year old son (I'm the stepfather) and the problems seem identical to yours, on up to his mother exhibiting the same kind of mannerisms you describe with your spouse.

I do my fair share of wrong and I give in because I feel so bad, but it is frustrating and it always feels like clapping with one hand.

I hope you have found something that works, and if you have, please post it if you have time. I am reading through the posts here, but haven't read all of them. I will do the same.

Thank you

Updated

I know what you mean. I have a 15 year old son (I'm the stepfather) and the problems seem identical to yours, on up to his mother exhibiting the same kind of mannerisms you describe with your spouse.

I do my fair share of wrong and I give in because I feel so bad, but it is frustrating and it always feels like clapping with one hand.

I hope you have found something that works, and if you have, please post it if you have time. I am reading through the posts here, but haven't read all of them. I will do the same.

On another note, I sincerely hope you do not take the negative comments regarding your post with anything but a grain of salt. Those posting a response that is neither constructive to your request for advice nor helpful seem to have issues themselves and this only reveals more about the person than they apparently realize. Bashing doesn't solve anything, and while it is frustrating when a spouse isn't helping. It's a shame that people will take the time to make a comment, yet provide nothing constructive.

Thank you

I agree with getting rid of the violent games, absolutely. The older stepkids in our house (13 and 11) have to earn their game time. They are not allowed to do games until they have completed their chore list and done each job correctly (not sloppily). Their weekly chores can be done in two hours on average. They lose 1/2 hour time for mouthing off or not doing chores correctly. As game time tops out at 1 hour a day, they can quickly end up in the hole for game time. It is to their benefit to keep attitudes good and chores done well and quickly.

Game time tops out at 1 hour a day, 1/2 hour a day in the summer. This is to get them out of the house and moving in the summer, nice weather - otherwise they'd be couch potatoes and the one already has a weight problem at 13. For Christmas or birthday they sometimes get an extra hour or two of games certificate to use when they like.

It does make it feel rather like a bargaining chip to hold this game time over their heads. Unfortunately, when teens become teens...they use any means they can to get their way. So we did the same in order to get their attention and enforce rules. After all, we are the parents and its our house.

FINALLY, it is very important that your husband support you. My husband has made it clear on two separate occasions to his children (my stepkids) that this is the order things come in our house: 1st is God, 2nd is his wife, 3rd is his children. This keeps our marriage strong. If the marriage and home environment is not strong, the children cannot grow properly. Therefore, he must tend things in this order. This involved one occasion of discipline in the past telling his son that "you will NOT speak to my wife in this manner" which actually shocked me quite a bit, and his son as well. The shock value stuck. It has also involved a separate occasion where his son was lying to his mother about being beaten at our house and she thus reported us to CPS. Obviously, this was very upsetting to us all. My stepson was spoken to by my husband to the effect of if he does this again, he will NOT be allowed to come to our house again, as he is threatening the stability of our family and younger children's lives. Again, my husband put his marriage and current family first. This was very very difficult and painful for him to do, and I did not ask him to...he just did it for the sake of setting things right. Once his son realized he couldn't tell lies without being caught, and he was going to lose all the time at our house (they do love it here, we do a ton of fun things such as camping, family outings, etc.) - he stopped the behavior. He still has teenage surly moments and inappropriate outbursts, but he loses the game time or is grounded altogether from friend time, and we stick to it. It is difficult to do, but it can be done! And when you stick to the punishment, that is when the child learns that you are serious, you are the parent, and you are in control.

However, if your husband cannot be convinced to stand up for you, I don't know the answer to your problems. He really needs to put you first.

Best of luck to you. I look forward to hearing an update!

Yikes! It's challenging enough when parents are on the same page. If you haven't already, I would arrange ongoing counceling sessions with the school counselor, you, dad & son, and maybe another counselor outside of school as well. Maybe & hopefully Dad (& son) just needs to hear what needs to be done from an outside source.

I have 2 boys (22 & 19) - they graduated by the skin of their teeth. My daughter is 16 & a Junior and much more focused on her future than her brothers were. I was and still am a single mom but their father was probably more over-reactive with any issues the kids have had. The boys are now both working and considering college. Sometimes I think boys tend to be more into the "now" with no thought about their future until they start living it. If possible spend as much "lovey" time as you can with the boy and give him adventures and other constructive things to do to keep him occupied, so that video games will only fit into a smaller time slot.

Best of luck!

D. C.