16 Year Old Girl Finally Growing! Now Wants to Be Smaller Again!

I'm wondering if you need to stop trying to talk her out of her feelings. Right now it seems that any time she mentions something that she's feeling, you jump in and tell her why she's wrong. If she complains that she's not the smallest girl on cheer team, don't tell her why that's a good thing. Listen to her tell you why that's bothering her. She's changing, and change can be rough. It's making her feel awkward and uncomfortable. Don't tell her why she shouldn't feel that way. Listen. Just listen.

When she talks about feeling like she weighs too much, just say things like, "It must feel strange not to be the smallest girl on cheer team any more," and then listen. Give her a chance to tell you what she's feeling and what she's thinking.

I would back off on telling her to eat healthy and avoid certain foods. It's not that there's anything wrong with that, exactly, but right now, she doesn't need to hear it. She really just needs you to listen.

i too would be concerned about all this talk about her size and weight.

i know you think it's helpful to 'encourage' her to eat healthy and stay away from all the *bad* foods. but it's time to back off.

if you don't have fried foods, empty carbs and sugary drinks at home, she's not going to be exposed to much of it outside the home. and when she is, an occasional burger and fries and a coke isn't going to blimp her up.

rather than talking at her, model the behavior you want her to emulate. it's MUCH harder. you now know that she's reading your subtext correctly, that you're a little obsessed with her size and weight too (even if you're sure your only interest is her health.) so stop that.

keep healthy foods in the house, cook them, serve them, and have her help you do it. and if you need to 'encourage' her to do anything, let it be to have an occasional treat.

it sounds as if she's teetering on the edge of following her friends into an eating disorder. stop making certain kinds of foods the enemy.

khairete
S.

You need a new philosophy in your house - all things in moderation. Your daughter needs to learn that an occasional French fry or bag of movie popcorn or slice of bread (gasp! carbs!) or soda or pat of butter or piece of bacon is really okay.

She needs to look at - with your help - varying body types on successful people: Simon Biles and Aly Raisman are muscular, and of very different heights. Meryl Streep and Helen Mirren are wildly successful and have fought the movie industry push for a certain body type. Oprah Winfrey has battled weight her whole life but it didn't stop her. Peter Dinklage and Terra Jolé have distinct body types. Shaquille O'Neal needs specially made clothes. Michelle Obama has a different body type than I do. Amy Schumer has resisted media pressure big time, and is powerfully outspoken in defense of women of all sizes. When Marilyn Monroe was the hottest body type around, she was a size 12. Now a size 0 is somehow the goal. And so on.

You don't want your daughter to be obsessed with her weight - but it's too late, she already is. For her whole life, she heard she was too tiny. Now she's changing and it's not "her" anymore. You have to get on top of this. Society's pressures, the fashion industry's push, ads and TV shows and movies..."average" women can't get work in movies and TV half the time. But some great women are speaking up and challenging those stereotypes.

I would be proactive at this point, since there has been so much focus on her body so far, and since she already has friends with eating disorders. I'd get into some counseling for the family to challenge the status quo and revisit assumptions about food and make this a team effort. I think a neutral professional could help everyone use language that's a little better and which doesn't have other meanings than what you all intend, and would then be on board to watch for signs of something more negative like an eating disorder. Your daughter is going to need help to navigate puberty and the additional body changes she's going to face. Don't make it "her" problem though - it's a family issue and you need to tackle it as a team.

Please get her to a therapist! She needs help with her body image. And she needs to be watching our American gymnasts who are performing now! They are certainly not tiny! Their size shows strength and endurance! It’s also beautiful! You should find out what these girls are eating. And don’t talk about what she SHOULDN’T eat.

The Black Swan movie (R rated) is a wake-up call for athletes whose bodies and minds become all torqued up over weight and size, along with mothers who are far too invested in their children’s athletic careers. To be sure, I am not saying that you and your daughter are in that movie. But you might want that watch it to see how things can get twisted up. And if you were to look at websites that glorify bulimia and anorexia, you would understand how important it is to get your daughter counseling before she gets that far...

S.

Your daughter is already obsessed with her weight. The doors to that barn are already open. So now you need to get it under control and stop the insanity.

If you don't have fried foods, empty carbs and sugared drinks in the house, she won't be able to eat them, right? Everything in moderation. She is active enough to keep the weight off but needs to learn moderation in consumption. Ensure there are healthy things to eat in the house for EVERYONE.

Please talk with your pediatrician and have him/her help your daughter adjust to height and weight.

Ugh. This is a real problem. But I don't really understand what you say about "encouraging" her? I mean if you don't have those junky foods in your home why would you even need to mention it? Did you think she would get fat if she ate french fries at a friends house or had ice cream at the mall? Honestly if you actually eat healthy at home there IS NO REASON TO EVEN BRING IT UP. Your comments are 100% not needed or helpful.

Not to worry you but I think it sounds like she may already be on way to having an eating disorder - which doesn't have to be anorexia or bulimia. It can just be obsessive behavior, or anxiety about food or body image.. When it becomes full fledge (where they act it out) it's just an extreme version that can be diagnosable. So I think you're right to have some concern.

It's good you've recognized it now.

All talk about size and food should stop. It's unfortunate she spends her time with friends who obsess about food, diet and physiques. She is witnessing their destructive and self sabotaging habits. If you can gently encourage new friendships and activities that are more supportive and empowering, I would without being obvious.

My best friend had eating disorders and I got pulled into that world and thankfully got help. I was like your daughter - very small and hit puberty late. It can feel like you suddenly become 'chubby' when you finally get curves. Talking about diet and food choices - may not be helpful if she's already feeling anxious. She may already feel she's responsible for the changes taking place (instead of it just being puberty). When it happens later, sometimes you don't clue in that it's just your body changing. If she feels she can reverse the changes, like her friends are doing, she may diet.

I don't talk about food, physiques, etc. here. Our scale comes out if we need to know weight for forms, otherwise, it's not in sight. No one talks about carbs, calories, etc. It's just not a topic of conversation.

Sounds like a lot is going on in her world and her friends sound consumed with their disorders unfortunately (my friend was and they can't possibly be the best of pals at this time. They are going through a lot themselves.). Be supportive and encouraging. Just let her know she's great as is - 'enough' as themselves as the saying goes - and I'd get off the topic all together. :) If she shows signs of anxiety or needing to talk, sometimes therapists for teens are helpful.

My niece went to one at this age, just to talk and it was helpful. Her girlfriends were all gong through stuff and she felt pressured.

Good luck

At this point I would be concerned that she has an eating disorder or might be close to developing one.
At 16 she should be excited about growing, and driving, and college in a few years.
A lot of 16 yr olds want to start dating.

I'd keep in close contact with your pediatrician and I'd think about your daughter getting some counseling to help her deal with some of the stresses of growing up.
If cheer team is becoming less fun and a source of anxiety then perhaps this interest has run it's course and it's time to find a new interest.

If she's making comments about losing weight - she's already obsessed.
Losing weight to stay smaller than freshman - shes turning it into a competition.
It's great she has friends - it worries me some already have eating disorders and I know it's not contagious but peer pressure can be a double edged sword.
You don't want them sharing anorexic ideas - they can be really sneaky about it.

Well with so much data out there and sooooooo many fast ways to get it.. I am sure she is aware that sodas, fried foods and carbs are not good ( or at least in moderations) I am sure coach tells that to them as well.

Purchase her a book I guess. If you need to take her to a nutrition specialist. Whom ever she will believe, if it’s not you.

Plus she is a teenager, they are really not known for compliance with parents... maybe look into gymnasts ( I think they are the hardest on their body with almost no body fat that miss periods for months while training) and some have difficulties with health later on. I am sure there is a book. Moderation is the key.

Speak to her coach as well! I know in my kids life they play a huge role and kids seem to listen more to them vs parents!

Please do not use BMI. It stereotypes everyone into one size fits all and gives the wrong results. Doesn’t allow for genetic beauty ( big bones, tall, short etc). Even though your daughter will be on the lower end-she might use it older and with negative results. ( no disrespect to the person who suggested it but my husband is a dr and sees so many wrong things with it).

Good luck!

I just try to serve healthy foods at home, but I don't talk to my kids about dieting or not eating empty carbs because they are kids and they don't need to think that way yet. I just talk about eating well balanced meals. I serve dessert sometimes but not every day. Kids see things very black and white. I don't want them to even think about dieting or carbs or stress about weight gain or loss. Plus kids NEED plenty of fat...good fats are best...because fat helps build the brain and neurons. I guess my advice is keep talking to her about how obsessing about her size and what she eats is very unhealthy and it's good she is still growing. She might end up 5'6" and she needs to eat enough for her growing body and brain each day. If she starts becoming too obsessed you might want to start having her see a therapist who specializes in this and perhaps a nutritionist who you speak to beforehand so they know to focus on eating ENOUGH and why she needs to eat and how it affects her if she does not. Good luck!

I think all kids go through the "growing up" transition, it's just your kid is going through it later than all the others. I hated when I started developing. I was very embarrassed and just wanted to be a free and easy little kid again. After a few years...I accepted that I had a new body and that was a normal part of life.
As far as her eating goes, emphasize that healthy eating is good for everyone, no matter what their size. Compliment her on her appearance so she isn't always trying to get approval about her looks.
All teenagers are hypersensitive about their appearance!

Why don’t you show her BMI in a calculator? She is already below average. If she then says she needs to be in the 5%, you have a problem. If she says ok but to be the little one on the squad she has to lose weight, you have to help her accept that just may not be feasible. Listen to her complain but tons of people don’t grow enough or too much to be the type of athlete they want yet go on to lead happy lives. Remind her HS cheer is not exactly a career. It’s disappointing to her. That’s understandable but she will have many disappointments in life. So try to just talk through this with her while she deals. And I disagree with others that if you don't have bad food at home, she won’t get much. At 16, kids I know are at Starbucks or other food outlets a lot. I was at 16. But for now I’d stop talking about bad food. Just for now. And let her see you have dessert some etc.

I’d also tell her you always wished you were a little taller even if that’s not true. Likely she will still be below average so point out being a little taller helps with clothes and in a crowd etc. Keep reminding her cheer is a pretty short lived situation in life.

Hi S.,
I am sorry to hear that. It is good to hear about girls growing taller. Why does your teen want to be shorter. You can ask her. Getting tall is a good thing that most girls should be proud of. Getting period is also an important part of girls turning into women. My girl is thirteen and already started period at eleven. She was tall and heavy for her age.
张燕怡

It seems like a common theme for teen girls to be somewhat obsessed with looks, hair, weight, skin...etc.
I think it would be helpful to compliment her on her appearance. Kids that age really do respond to positive attention. Also have your husband (or her father) compliment her. You can't underestimate the power of a positive male role model.