16 Month Old Discipline Strategies

Our son started this behavior at about the same time. We said "no throwing" and tried redirecting many times to no avail. Finally, we decided that as soon as something was thrown (he's only allowed to throw balls in the house), we would say "no throwing" and we would remove that toy immediately (sometimes by asking him to show us how he can gently put it away). If he was persistent and began throwing one toy after another, we'd put him in time out (general rule is one minute per year of age). Time out usually would calm him down. Now when he throws, he will often put himself in time out. When he does that, I let him sit as long as he wants and then I thank him for getting himself under control. When my son hits, he goes directly into time out. Hitting is not tolerated and he knows that.

Another thing that has helped us is teaching him to take a deep breath when he's frustrated or wound up. I know it sounds ridiculous for this age group, but it really works for my son. I will hold him gently and ask him to take three deep breaths with me. This is a nice alternative to time outs if he doesn't seem to be calming otherwise. My son likes doing it and it seems to distract him from whatever was making him upset. I think it's a good coping mechanism for him to have in his pocket for the long run. Good luck!

Dear AK,

Redirecting a child is a good strategy at this age, but it is not enough. Also: calling it a discipline problem is too early.

At this point it seems like you need to take care of yourself. Do you have a place where your child cannot get into trouble? A small area where he can take down toys, through them, do whatever he wants? Up to now he was a small baby with limited mobility. As he grows, it is time to look at the environment and see if it supports his needs. And you are right: terrible two are coming, so this is in preparation to that.

In order to teach a child what is the right way to behave, we have to accept where he is developmentally. He will not learn faster if we put him in a place when we have to say "no" all the time. He needs some experiences with "no", but it better be in time when we are available to console him, to follow through, in short: to be in charge.

Your child is doing what he needs to do in this age: test the physical world, and soon you will have to teach him what are the limits people place on him. Take care of yourself, and take it one step at a time.

i agree with the others. our terrible twos started around 16 months. our daughter is a little over 2 now and has calmed down. it gets better. good luck!

Ak - I feel your pain! I was so shocked at how quickly they set into the "terrible 2's" but once I read Dr. Karp's "Happiest Toddler on the Block" I was relieved to learn that the 2's start around 18 months.
Your poor little guy is in pain and can't communicate his frustration or pain. Have you tried signing? Also when my son started throwing we gave him rules like he can throw balls and pillows but nothing else. Of course he kept throwing his cup, and I started to take it away. We focused on what he can do and not what was always a No, and I think that helps. At this stage they don't know how to redirect themselves to positive behavior. So if he started jumping on the couch we would tell him he is allowed to jump on the trampoline or the floor and the couch is for sitting. That really is working.

As for time outs he may be too young for you to walk away. my son is now 23 months and he is just now sitting in the same spot without us keeping him there. I started by sitting him down in the T.O. spot tell him calmly and firmly why (like on Super Nanny) and then hold him in place (gently but firmly so he knew he was supposed to stay). The biggest thing was we did not engage him for 30 seconds, we looked away. he got it really quick, and now T.O.'s are more of a reset than a shameful punishment. We always end with hugs and kisses.

Hang in there, I do see my son evolving out of the unruly behavior. Try the book from above, it really helped me understand more about where my little guy was coming from.
This phase too shall pass! I promise.

Best wishes.

I agree with everything that has been said and just went through the same thing. I wanted to let you know there is hope. Our molars came in and we are back to our more friendly fun to be around self. So stand your ground there is never an excuse for hitting, redirect and know that it will end.

One thing I wanted to point out was when you said he is getting his molars. Molars are very painful and kids his age do not know how to express it. I always try to put it in to perspective, if I have a headache and am feeling horrible I am less likely to be nice and more likely to be crabby. I don't feel like waiting, I don't want to share, and want to be left alone. Now I am an adult so I don't hit and throw things but you get the idea. Somethimes you have to start at the beginning to fix the problem. If his teeth are bothering him can you give him teething tablet, tylenol or whatever you feel for comfortable with. Then when he is not hurting so much they are usual a lot more able to be redirected. I have 3 kids and have run a daycare from my home for numerous years and have noticed this trend. We tend to punish them when a punishment may not be the necessary step. If we can see what is really bothering them then we can fix the problem. As they get older they are more able to communicate this becomes better. On the other hand you have to have balance, a firm NO is still need so that they no behavior is unacceptable. You don't want them to learn that when they don't feel well they can behave badly. Sorry this is so long but hope it gives you a different perspective.

Our daughter, 16 mon, just started the same thing about a week ago. We also use redirecting. She does not throw things, yet. But screams when she doesn't get what she wants, temper tantrums. She has also started to be aggressive, flailing her arms and pinching me when I try to stop her from doing something... say grabing the computer. I have had to get firm with her before redirecting. I say very clearly and attention getting "NO, we do not play in the dog water!" While taking her arm and directing her away from the bowl. Sometimes walking her into another room before I let her go, otherwise she will go right back. Be firm, which is something my husband has to learn. Redirect, sort of pushing them into something else. By taking my daughter into the other room by her arm she knows I am serious and along the way something else grabs her attention. So remove him, far away from whatever it was he was doing. Also, I just read that at this age they do not have the capacity to sit in time-out but if you want to begin the process you have to sit there with him. We just did out first time-out 1:30 sec in the corner, facing the wall sitting on my lap. I ignored, no talking, playing, acknowledging. She squirmed but was not allowed to get up. So do not walk away. If he is throwing toys, take a bucket of them away and let him know he can have them back when he is done.... Be clear. I think this is the point at which they begin testing their limits/abilities/actions, ect. If you choose you can also withhold your attention. Tell him "Mommy will hold you when you are done acting like/hitting/throwing..." Walk away. Say "Come find me when you are done" or "I will be right here when you are through." Your attention means more to him than any toy. He has to learn that there is a right way to get your attention and a wrong way, right now he is choosing the wrong way. If boredom is the issue. Christmas is around the corner, new toys. Get him outside if you can. Libraries have story hour, we go every week. Our daughter also goes to moms morning out at a local church on Wed. It wears her out and she gets a playgroup of kids her age. Getting him out of the house a few hours a day will help, and not to run errunds.