16 Mo Old Hitting

She's testing your boundaries. What am i allowed to do? So far you've responded with a mixed bag. So she's going to wonder if the next time she hits you you'll ignore it, or what will happen. That uncertainty is tough on a child, and causes even more issues.

Think of discipline like this. A child is walking down a hallway full of doors. You tell the child that they are ALL locked, BUT the child will test EVERY door just to be sure you told the truth. And even though they would not admit it, they WANT all the doors to be locked. She is old enough to understand rules and boundaries. And she wants you to set the limits, and follow through with discipline. She will be happier.

My suggestion is to write up family rules and post where she can see them. If she doesn't read, print a picture of the negative behavior so she remembers (I did this when my daughter just turned 4 and it has been amazing, I should've done it sooner). When she starts to do a bad behavior, you take her firmly/nicely by the hand and lead her to the rules. Ask her what was it she did wrong, and point to the picture. Tell her that this is wrong behavior (firmly) and tell her what the punishment is (time out is a classic, 1 min/age or like we do it, until they nicely tell us they're ready to apologize, and then they do a specific apology, hugs and kisses). If she does it again, bring her back to the rules and tell her, you broke the rule, show me what it is, and then tell her, because you broke the rule, you will have this punishment ____________. And immediately enforce it.

Ignoring sends the wrong message, as does yelling. This is a way to firmly ingrain in your child what happens when you do wrong behavior, and also helps you keep your cool. That walk to the rules with your child is a great way to refocus yourself and not over/under react. Kids need to learn that there are consequences to their actions, or they will not survive in society, nor will they be happy.

Nip this in the bud, it won't just go away as she gets older, it will just change into a different bad behavior. Best wishes.

We went through something similar when my daughter was this age. I had read this somewhere and used this technique. When she would hit, I would calmly stop her, get down to her level, and explain, "It's OK to be mad at mommy, but it is NOT OK to hit me. It hurts when you hit me. If you are angry, it's OK to stomp your foot and say 'I'm angry, mommy!'" or something of that nature. My mom and MIL would look at me funny when I did it because they thought she was too young to effectively use logic. But one day, when she got angry (after I had been doing this for a while), she actually stomped her foot and said "I'm angry!" instead of hitting me :)

I have always wondered at what age do babies understand that when they touch you -- you feel it too. She may have not gotten the concept that you feel it when she hits you. I know a lot of parents are against hitting back but I believe a good firm tap on the hand and say NO is the best way to stop hitting. At 16 months she is still very "me" centered. She hasn't learned compassion or consideration she's to young.

Why is she hitting? If she is hitting because she is just trying it out (normal) then you do what you are doing - say 'hands are not for hitting', distract her and give her something else she can do. I wouldn't ignore her hurting you - I would tell her - ouch, that hurts - empathy is a learned skill and even though she is young she needs practice recognizing she can hurt.

If she is hitting because she is mad/sad you need to give her something she can do. Give her words ' oh, I see you are mad' and something physical she can do (a pillow to hit, or have her stomp her feet).

If she is hitting because she wants something you need to teach her better tools to get what she wants - oh, you want the toy I am holding, then model asking for it or pointing at it and saying please (depending upon her language skills).

And of course big people hitting little people teaches little people it is ok to hit. And verbalizing it teaches them that it is only ok for big powerful people to hit little powerless people but not for kids to hit their peers.

I would try something like putting her down if you are holding her and she is hitting you. Leave the room if you are not holding her and tell her she is hurting you and that you don't want to play with her if she is hitting you. If she is hitting everyone in the family you should all get up and leave her in the room. Maybe this will teach her that she needs to treat you nicely if she wants to be with you. Praise the soft touches and hugs like crazy. I just came up with this off the top of my head so I hope it works. I'm just thinking that if removing her and putting her in a timeout does not work, maybe removing the rest of you she is hurting will work. When you come back into the room ask her in a firm voice if she is ready to be nice. If she hits you again, leave again, and so on. Good Luck!

Take it from me. I have 3 non hitting kids in a world of "non spanked kids" who are always hitting them. I've had to teach my kids it's OK to hit "back". If you warn her once calmly, and then give her a firm swat for hitting the next time, she will stop. Everyone will pop up and say hitting teaches hitting is OK. So not true. Both my daughters learned in one try. My son took two or three tries. You've already seen that "never hitting her" has not taught her that hitting is not OK. A firm consequence for an action (which is not words a this age or being made to sit somewhere else like a fun playpen) is the fastest teacher.

My brother and I never hit other kids or our parents knowing what the consequence would be. I've never been in a fight, and I'm a peaceful person. I'm appalled at the parents today letting their kids "hit because it's normal". The bully epidemic in schools among privileged kids who never learned that assaulting others is totally not allowed is no surprise. Be firm. Be consistent. She'll get it. You're right, she does totally understand, there is just no effective deterrent in place for her. Good work realizing that this is not OK and she's old enough to understand.

A kid who was getting away with hitting my son every day in our gym daycare (his mom just gave him time outs) moved on to hit other kids when my son finally struck back. His mom was later asked to leave the gym because her son struck an infant in the head with a toy truck. Do not soft pedal this with patience and redirection and all that. Nip it. Someone could get hurt, including your daughter if kids retaliate (the natural consequence).