15 Yrs Old Son Seem to Hate to Be Home.

Updated on April 22, 2008
C.B. asks from Miami, FL
6 answers

I have a concern that I need some help with. I have a 15yrs old son and a little girl who is now 7 yrs old. My son is always so mean to her. He seem to enjoy being mean to her & seeing her cry. I get so aggravated when he does this and sometimes loose my temper. Through all of this she still adores him & plays with him every chance she gets even though it always leads to her crying. I am so tense when I see them playing. Now I can see that her personality is changing, now she is learning not to trust him. Another thing that bothers me is that he goes to a christian private school, we met a lady there that has 3 kids that goes to the same school, they are all in my sons' age group. 1 boy now 16 he just graduated from the school 2 girls one 14 she is in my sons' class & the other I think 12, all honor students. They are really nice kids and the lady now recently single very nice christian lady. We hold the same values and stuff, actually she is now a good friend. My problem is I let my son go to their house a lot, it started out little by little just because she is like that, all different kids are usually at her house because she is really sweet & parents trust her. Then now he spends weekends their alot, its second nature that he is there, first I let him go because he is around his age group and usually they do alot of constructive stuff like go to chest club games and do his homework with the girl in his class, she is pretty intelligent-she is a sweetheart. But now I feel like he never wants to be home, he prefers to be over there. If I tell him he can't go he is so upset. Recently I told him I was jealous because he never wants to spend time with me/his family, he says we never do anything, which is not true, but I told him he could suggest stuff & we will do it.I am the type of mother that is always at every event, he plays volley ball and when they have games I am always there to cheere him on. I always try to let him participate in whatever he is interested in, now he just joined the track team. My husband & I have been together since my son was 3yrs old, he loves him & gives him whatever he needs but he is a very quiet and laid back person. My son is also dating but its not really a major issue because the girl does not go to his school & they hardly ever see each other plus he is not a fast kid. We talk about issues like that. He trust me. The ladys' 14 yrs old girl was interested in him but he said he does not see her like that, it caused a little upset but they worked it out. They are good kids in that regard. I always threaten to stop letting him go over their because sometimes when he is over their he doesn't call me & he has a cell phone. I have to call & he does it over & over. When I quarrel he just say " luv you mom".. He doesn't like to go to church with me he prefers to go to church with them, he says my church is boring. Ok. should I be concern or am I just being petty?

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So What Happened?

I am extremely greatful for all the responses that I have gotten. I think that I am coming to grips with the fact that he is growing up and coming into his own, trying to figure out who he really is. He does know his dad and they do talk on the phone (his dad now lives in Canada). I always point out to him that I would never let anyone mistreat him & he has seen me physically fight to defend him before so he knows thats true, that I protect him at all cost so I told him that he should not be putting me in the position to protect my daughter from him. He knows I love him, we hug a lot & he opens up to me about most stuff, I do talk to him openly. A friend of mine once told him that he should be practising on his sister how to treat girls & that he should never let any guy come into his sisters' life & treat her better than he does. Anyways we are planning a get together/sleep-over at my house. I do not judge his friends because they are good kids, he is a good kid, he does his school work & stays out of trouble & I think I just have to realize that I am lucky it could all be worst.

More Answers


answers from Miami on

Mom, he's just growing up and coming into his own. If this is all of your worries, you really have none! If his grades are good, he's going to school, doing his work, coming home at night to go to bed, etc...then allow him to venture into new territory and explore. Don't fight with him, but you are STILL HIS MOTHER AND WHAT YOU DO NEED TO DO IS DEMAND RESPECT! But you then have to give it too! Your boy is growing up and he will begin to make choices that differ from yours. As long as he is not hurting him or anyone else, your job is advise at this point, not control. Ask him if he would be interested in having some gatherings or parties at his home once in a while.

My son is 26 and my daughter is 13 and yes they fight about things, but he is not mean to her or makes her cry. If he did he would pay the price for it. He knows that would never fly in my house. Maybe you should observe them together a few times without them knowing it and see what's really going on. Otherwise maybe him not being around her so often is better at this stage until he gets past whatever is causing him to do this. You also might video tape him with her one day and then play it back for him. BUT YOU HAVE TO MAKE SURE THAT HE FEELS AS LOVED AS YOU DEFENDING HIS SISTER. Let him know the very uncomfortable position he is putting his mother thru and try to always paint a picture "if you were in my shoes" and maybe he will see things a little differently. Also BE VERY CAREFUL OF PRE-JUDGING AND JUDGING HIS FRIENDS, HIS LIKES AND HIS DISLIKES! Remember he's your child growing, not a possession to do exactly as he's told anymore. Next year, he could leave you officially, if he's not happy! You do not walk on pins and needles with him however and always demand respect, but make sure he knows you expect him to be treated with the exact same amount of respect! Let go of all your rules and JUST TALK WITH YOUR SON FOR REAL! Where is his REAL FATHER? This is something you might want to consider, him getting to know his dad if that is possible. Trust me, my brother was adopted when he was just a baby, but my parents had to deal with all the issues of identity and the "why's" they ask themselves of them being put up for adoption or their daddy leaving them. Good Luck



answers from Miami on

Okay, this sounds like my life! Exempt, I am that mom that has kids over alot. I have 3 kids of my own. 12g, 11b, and 5b. Let me give you the other side. I have other people's children at my home all the time, pick them up at school, either drop them off or keep them until they get picked up. needless to say, my home is somewhat like a zoo... but i do it because i know what goes on in my house but I don't know what goes on in yours. I am a stay at home mom, so my "Job" is the kids. Everything i do if geared to the house and the kids. So I am more available" then most moms.
To get your son to stay home with you, he needs to have something to do. Suggest you do a project together, join a club or do charity work together through your church, school or on your own. start a hobby together. Maybe repaint his room, re-arrange his furniture, update or paint his existing furniture, fix his closet, get a desk for his room, remove a desk, etc... anything that involves his input and his effort for HIS things. If he is working on something in HIS house or on HIS things, that can break the "time and routine" of going over somebody elses house. Sometimes it not that they are doing something special, its just the routine and we get comfortable with that.
I do get tired of having so many kids over, food alone is an issue and requires constant trips to the market and I am always feeding someone that does not belong to me. That too, is something that needs to be taught to our kids. Just because a child is welcomed in my house doesn't mean he needs to be there everyday and all the time! Teach him not to be imposing, even if the mom says he is not, I'm sure she would like an occasional break.
I good book to get that might give you ideas, is from John Rosemond. He wrote several books including Parent Power. Great Book! You can get it used from Amazon.com
Another thing you can do is host a get together at your house. Do something he and his friends would enjoy and have them over.
As far as his hitting his sister, If he feels it's okay to hit his own sister, then it's okay to his girlfriend, and okay to hit his wife, his children, etc. Boys don't hit girls. whether its a sister a neighbor etc. If that is constantly taught, he will learn to keep his cool.
Hitting Girls is one of those things men just don't do!
Good luck!



answers from Miami on

While it sounds to me like you are jealous, I am sure you are concerned for his welfare. You have a right to know where he is and what he is doing. Put it this way, the more you let him do what he wants, the more he expects. Teenagers are tough! We cannot watch them all the time, or know what they are up to all the time, but you need to set rules and limitations or you may be sorry one day. Stand your ground now before its too late.



answers from Miami on

Hello C. ,

I'm a 33 year old mom of two boys 7 year old and a 2 year old . They say that boys are easier than girls . But at any stage there are both quite difficult to handle. Probably he see you as a sister figure rather than a mom , since you had him when you were very young . You need to put your foot down and talk to him . You need to tell him that above all you are his mother . Yes it is important to be your child friend as well , but he needs to know that mom & dad are the one that will always be there for them . Good or bad , Parents are the only one that will love you unconditional . Communication & Respect is crucial , if the issues perssist why don't you try some kind of conseling with a child phychologist ,Explain your concerns . He is just probably going thru a phrase trying to fing himself .The adolosent phrase years is a time for discovery for them . They sure can push your bottoms , My older boy seems he is 30 rather than 7 . He is quite mature but he like to argue with me , I tell him you don't scream @ me becasue I'm not screaming @ you , You most always respect your mom and don't talk back . I hope every goes well for you , keep me posted .

~ A.



answers from Miami on

Hi! C. I suggest that you have a get together and invite the young lady and her family over to see how your son interacts with them. You can even ask her since you are friends now if you could come over sometime and just chat and spend time over when your son is visiting. Suggest some cards or dominoes to play as a group just so you can see what's going on with your son. Then this should put your mind at ease.



answers from Miami on

First of all you need to let him know if he keeps disrespecting his little sister then he will not be allowed
to go to his friends house for the weekend. Who is the boss
you or him. Also let him know that if he doesnt start calling you while he is there then you will take his phone from him. You need to do it if you say you are going to. If he goes to this house and comes home and distrups the family then he needs some remorse, Also you can tell him that he can have a sleep over at your house and take them to Boomers or the movies or bowling. Kids like these kind of things. It sounds like he wants your attention and the only way he gets it is by yelling at his little sister. It is negative attention but it is something.As far as church goes I was made to go to church all the time because my dad was a minister. I believe at his age you make the decision on what church he should go to not him. When he is 18 he can decide then.

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