15 Year Old Daughter Is Lonesome

Hi C.,

I bet she is a very concrete thinker. She's very loyal and feels compelled to be a perfect friend even though her friend is not giving as much to the relationship. I know this because it sounds like me when I was her age. I had other friendly acquantances but only one "best" friend at a time.

On a positive note. This personality trait goes FAR in a marriage. You said you have a close nit family. You have taught her loyalty and closeness with someone she trusts. Your relationship with your parents encourages this also. It's true that it is painful now but this will take her sooo far in life and she will be respected as an adult. She is probably right that there is no one that is worthy of her friendship because she knows what a real friend is supposed to be. (Your fault again, lol) Not many people do. My sequential "best" friends in my childhood have numerous acquaintances now and not many of them have true friends or a successful home.

I really wouldn't worry about her. BUT you are correct in encouraging her to be friendly with others. Opening up to someone is truly something that is reserved for someone you can trust. That takes time and it also takes proof.

Show her my letter if you like. I felt like you were talking about me for a split second....

God bless!

M.

Hi. I am sorry to hear about your daughter's situation. But this is normal at that age. It is liberating that she stood up for herself and made the decision to end the friendship. That shows great growth and maturity. I think now, you have to give her time to evaluate how she let things get this way. That may be why she is so upset. I know I would be. I am 26, married and have 3 step children, so I am familiar with friendship. Our kids are teenagers.

Encourage her to stay open with you about how she is feeling, but you can't push her into another friendship. This is a great time for someone to stand out and give to her in this time. Pray that it is not some guy, but someone she can trust and confide in. It might be you right now. If you are oka y with that, then cherish that time with her. As a teenager, things are realy up in the air. Today may be a good day and tomorrow may be horrible. Like I said, ask her questions that encourage her in this time. Build her up on the great things that she has accomplished in this time.

I hope that helps.

Hi,

I was and still am like your daughter, I just got back on good terms with my best friend of 12 yrs but I will never fully get over what she did. anyway my advice is to keep encourageing her but you may find that she had a hard time talking to people she doesn't know, which is my problem. Don't be pushy though. and give her some time, when you loose your only friend it takes time before you can trust anyone else again as much as you trusted your friend, its like that boyfriend that cheated on you, you guard yourself closely for a while before you fully trust someone else. Its great that you are a close knit family let her vent all she wants to you cause till she finds another kindred spirit she will need someone else to fill that void.
But the good news is it will come and won't last forever.

I read the responses, which were very caring and helpful, I thought. I also wondered about her judging others to not be "worthy" of her friendship. High standards? I have a 9 yr. old like this: few friends, very selective. I don't think it's necessarily a harmful trait, but beware of expectations that can turn to disappointment. If she expects the friend to behave and treat her the way she thinks she would treat them and then they don't, it may be very confusing and hurtful.

I once had a friend tell me that when she was in a season of no friends that she found she could have a friend in an author (books!!), songwirters (music), and people different ages....children even. When you are open to finding a friend outside of the typical parameters (same age, gender, social class, etc.) all of sudden you see you're actually surrounded by friends. After all, she has a slew of family members she is close to. What more does she need....for now, anyway. Give her some time to think and process this situation all the way through. May take through the summer. She'll come around.

As an adult, I'm sure you've seen that no one person can be that best friend in all areas. Even your mom can be better than your husband on some issues, right? I have several close friends (I'm not crazy about the term "best"), but no single. It's too much pressure on that relationship to provide all you need when you have just one closest friend. Spread it out and it's much healthier.

My sister and I are 11 months apart (Pisces) and we're both like this. We only have one or two friends that we associate with consistently. As a matter of fact, I broke off a 10+ year friendship with one of my friends because of her insistence on my being at her house for visits all the time (it became a "I was at your house last!" type of friendship which I'm truly not all about).

I'm 45 today and I'm reflecting on a lot of things. Birthdays do this to you. Predominately, I'm thinking of my friendships that I currently have. There are only 2 people outside my immediate family that I call "friend" and with one, we really only associate at work. I get no calls from anyone, no invites to go anywhere, no "just stopped in for a min or coffee" type of visits - nothing.

Am I sad? Not really. I like that fact that I'm particular enough that I protect those around me from my choice of friends. I give people a chance but I don't set my expectations high, in that, I don't build up hope that this person will call just to chat or this other person will take time out to come see me (yes, I've taken time for people only to have no/very little return on it). I don't have low expectations of people, either.

I simply try not to pre-judge their intentions. This is, IMHO, what your daughter is gearing herself up for. She doesn't want to invest a lot of time and energy in someone only to have them give very little in return. It's easier that way for her to judge who is worth her time or not. She's not judging the person, per se, ... she's judging the investment of her energies.

She's seen something in her "best friend" that she doesn't agree with. Talk with her about it. Try to understand what it is and how the relationship can possibly be fixed. Let her come up with her own plan - you just give the advice. :) If she's involved with church or activities outside the home, all the better because of the social atmosphere. The more people she meets, the better she'll feel like she's a round peg for the round hole. But she NEEDS to talk about it. Take the hard road and get the communication flowing - even if it takes the 3 of you sitting down in a room where you are a non-judgmental referee. Let them hash it out.

Just like a PP said, its not uncommon for people to only feel the need to have 1 or 2 trust worthy friends. I too am like your daughter. I only keep 1 or 2 close friends but I also break it off not too long after it begins b/c I don't feel the person is putting as much into the friendship as I am. With me I always seem to attract the friends that take money from me,get driven around by me,watch their kids and then they offer nothing back,just keep taking.One friend I had was pregnant and had 1 child and I would drive her around to where she needed to go and my car broke down while dropping her off at home once, her solution to my problem was to stay there till someone could come the next day b/c "She didn't have gas for hers".So I offered money,then she just old me that she didnt feel like driving.I told her what I thought of her and never talked to her again.I have only had 1 best friend that was always as equally as honest and a good friend as I was but we lost contact at a young age...I miss her so.So your daughters problem is a part of life and it's not a bad thing that she expects alot out of a friend.Get your daughter in a class like dancing or something she loves where she can meet friends that have the same interest and are going in a positive direction.As far as her feelings, she will get over it and it is a part of growing up and making tough decisions and see seemed to have done the right thing by choosing to do what is best for her even though it was tough.